Marco Rubio

I'm actually from Miami, near Little Havana, or as I like to call it, just normal-sized Havana. Graduating high school with a 2.1 GPA, I had the body of a Chippendales dancer and the brain of a Chippendales dancer. Fortunately, I got into a really good college that no one has ever heard of on a football scholarship. Some people say I'm kind of a jock.

Well, they don't say it, but they're thinking it. After that college went bankrupt, I kinda bounced around for a while. Two more schools, some epic partying, a bullshit arrest for underage drinking. I still dreamed of joining the NFL, but settled for marrying an NFL cheerleader. Being a cheerleader's husband prepared me for a lifetime of holding down jobs I'm not qualified for.

Well, they don't say it, but they're thinking it. After that college went bankrupt, I kinda bounced around for a while. Two more schools, some epic partying, a bullshit arrest for underage drinking. I still dreamed of joining the NFL, but settled for marrying an NFL cheerleader. Being a cheerleader's husband prepared me for a lifetime of holding down jobs I'm not qualified for.

After that came law school and local politics. When the Cuban-American community heard how my parents had fled Castro, they embraced me wholeheartedly. I will always be the son of exiles. And when they heard I was lying about that, it was too late.

After that came law school and local politics. When the Cuban-American community heard how my parents had fled Castro, they embraced me wholeheartedly. I will always be the son of exiles. And when they heard I was lying about that, it was too late.

I wish I would have known the date. I would have gotten it right. I would have said they came before Castro.

I wish I would have known the date. I would have gotten it right. I would have said they came before Castro.

Uh, if you want a representative who can remember dates from history, you're going to have to find someone with a better than C average. I got a C? That's on you. Soon, I became the first Cuban-American speaker of the Florida House of Representatives. Or, as my future boss would say, the first Mexican. He's, like, so funny. Next came yet another step up the social ladder.

Uh, if you want a representative who can remember dates from history, you're going to have to find someone with a better than C average. I got a C? That's on you. Soon, I became the first Cuban-American speaker of the Florida House of Representatives. Or, as my future boss would say, the first Mexican. He's, like, so funny. Next came yet another step up the social ladder.

People are comparing him to a young Barack Obama, as a matter of fact. So annoying. Who is? I was in with the in crowd. Everybody loves me. Soon, the other kids tapped me to give the response to old man Obama's State of the Union address. Wow. Everything started off great, but then things started to get dry.

People are comparing him to a young Barack Obama, as a matter of fact. So annoying. Who is? I was in with the in crowd. Everybody loves me. Soon, the other kids tapped me to give the response to old man Obama's State of the Union address. Wow. Everything started off great, but then things started to get dry.

America continues to be indispensable to the global liberty. And drier. In the short time that I've been here in Washington... And drier. Then tragedy struck.

America continues to be indispensable to the global liberty. And drier. In the short time that I've been here in Washington... And drier. Then tragedy struck.

I tried to move slowly so that no one would notice, but somehow everyone noticed.

I tried to move slowly so that no one would notice, but somehow everyone noticed.

With one sip, I went from sigma to beta. Riz depleted. I had to do something to get my mojo back, no matter how desperate.

With one sip, I went from sigma to beta. Riz depleted. I had to do something to get my mojo back, no matter how desperate.

I announce my candidacy for president of the United States.

I announce my candidacy for president of the United States.

Right away, the bitches got bitchy. Like when I showed up for the campaign in the cutest new boots and they called them man heels and high-heeled booties. You see how picky I am about my shoes? And they only go on my feet. It's called style and glaring insecurity. Ever heard of it? And then the meanest girl of them all came out of nowhere.