Martin Phillips
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
What if their place was, like, my roommate's home, and, like, it would actually really be better if we went to your place.
Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay, cool. It was Ash Wednesday recently. I couldn't make it to church, so I just put my grandma's remains on my forehead. She's cremated. It's the only ash I had. Anyway, I'm a lover, not a fighter, so when someone tries to fight me, I try to have sex with them, you know? Like, let's use that fist another way. Let's meet at the middle, you know, because the fisties.
Anyway, no, I don't think I can fight many people. I think I got old people and children. So if you're under eight or over 80, stay the fuck out of my way.
I take my outfit, okay? I stick with my fashion. Nice old black. Wow, dude. Fuck yeah. Favorite color or something. You colorblind or are you?
The tough part is going to be the buses back up. Right, yeah. It's going to be... I didn't think about that part.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take off the pants. I do that sometimes. I do that in reverse for a crying shirt. I take off the pants.
Fuck all you guys. Fuck everybody.
Yeah, dude. You know what? I've been doing so well lately. I don't think I have to substitute anymore. Yeah.
Yeah, so I can retire. Yeah. The crazy thing, one of the last days I substituted, I did something I'd never done before at work. I shit my pants at the job. While you were teaching? Luckily, it was at the end of the day, because I don't think I could have hid that from the kids. I think they would have known I shit my pants.
Yeah, I'm just, well, you know, I just had the feeling of shitting, but then I have a classroom of students, so I was like, oh, I can wait till the end of the period, and I could not actually, yeah. But luckily it happened after they all left. Were you wearing jeans? Oh, I was wearing khakis.
Oh, let me tell you. It was a vast amount of feces. Wow. Not to quote my own joke, but I was like, what am I going to do with all this shit? Wow.
It looked like I peed out my butt.
Honestly, to be honest, maybe not surprising, I do happen to poop myself more often than you would imagine. I mean, you always walk like you just shit your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to go to a doctor, and I have, like, IBS. So let's go back. Okay, okay. What is it, the last period of the day?
Last period, and you, like... Bell rings, kids out, and I'm like, okay, let's go. And I start to hear the door, and I'm like... So how did you get out of there with all that shit in your pants? Was it running down your leg at all? I don't think... I walked slowly into that, and I was... I waited a few minutes for all the school buses to leave.
Are you having a fever? So I just sat down and waited. And I sat down. It was squishy. I was like, oh. But then I knew it was a fast amount. Oh, man.
You just bounce, dude. I guess. I don't know how it works. The funny one is I sat in the teacher's chair and waited. I got up, I left a wet mark on the teacher's chair.
So he probably thought it was a prank by a student. He probably didn't think it was by the guy who substituted for him that day. Right. But I had a nice whole life. I tried to... I don't think I... I did not... Follow through on the dial. So who knows what happened to it, but anyway.
I walked with my knees bent like this. Which isn't much different than normal. It kind of, you know, no. I think it helped a shit. So then luckily I have a seat protector on my car so I can sit on the seat. Wow. But then I threw that out after I got home. And then I just went straight to the shower and threw everything away. Yep. Washed up and... Nobody knows at that school.
Right, now they know. They don't go to the middle school I was at.
Thank you. Oh man, how cool. I go, hey, I was on the road, and a lady DM'd me, and she said, hey, I'll show you around town and my pussy. I was like, damn, this city offers great tours. Like, what a package deal, you know? Not too many to see, you know? You might be stretching this out. I'm an advocate for smoking during pregnancy because those moms deserve to look cool too, you know?
And when you see a messed up kid, you're like, hey, his parents are chill, you know? Let us drink. When I was a kid, the tooth fairy was coming, so I put my grandfather's dentures underneath my pillow with a note that said, here's a full set. Pay a bitch. I included the gums.
You know, and this is actually, I have something special on tonight. Oh, yeah? Because, you know, I do all these killers who kill Tony shows in big theaters. So, I have more room to mess around. So, right now, I'm wearing $30 tap shoes. Those are tap shoes?
It's that easy. It's that easy to do. Unbelievable. So book me Grand Ole Opry.
Yeah, I just jumped in, you know, and went along with it. This whole outfit's also very hot. It's very uncomfortable, actually. About to turn out...
What's up? What's going on? I have big hands. People say there are piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but my hand jobs are ridiculous. I only play a forte, you know? You should see the double crescendo, you know? Okay. And I had to buy a card, and at the card store, it was in the sympathy section, right next to that. Well, it said, sympathy-Jewish. I was like, oh, that's weird.
So now, in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry, you're Jewish. It's a lot, you know? So, it's... I grew up with cats, and I like that cats use the litter box. It's cool. It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you got to find it first. Good luck, asshole.
Thanks. Do you have cats? No, I do not have stray cats hanging out on my patio. But I do not own them if they hang out there.
I don't know. In order that they can't hang out there, I bought them a bed. So now... They got the cool, they got the hook up. I'm the plug for the cat. I need that water. I need that drink to get out the fucking bed.
I know. I know. It's actually, it's like they hang out there. I never see them. They run away. It's like I actually own a cat in a way. You got a special cage for them just in case they want to relax a bit? You put a bed out there. What else have you done? You put a little fucking, you put a little can of tuna out there. No, I don't want them to become dependent on me, so I just need water.
You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon? They gotta find a way into a fucking apartment, so good luck, Mr. Cat, getting inside.
Oh. What do you think? I can fit a lot. I can grip.
Wait, I don't think I... I don't know what I...
Okay, I think I got it. I swear to God. I swear to God. All right, here we go. It's go, and it's go, and it's go, and it's go.
What else is going on? It's good. I've been traveling around a lot and doing shows and whatnot. Pretty busy. Always going somewhere. Yep.
It's working out. Yeah. Guys who sound like this are doing well. That's true. That is true. That is the voice of a winner.
Oh, shit. Oh, man. Oh, shit, there I am. I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape, so I was interested. I was going to look it up, but after I wrote the first for a kid, I was like, I'm out. No, I'm not. This is a trap. This is set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gay daughter, and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know? We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Jr.'s.
But now that he's going to be head of the health department, we're all going to start sounding like this. So welcome to hell. That was good.
You're rocking it behind you? I bought this. today, because I heard with the turtleneck you need a chain, so this is $3 from Walmart in the girl's section.
It was good. Good news. I hooked up with... What are you going to do right there? Right there is already trying to mock me. I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman. So... I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show. That's right.
But yeah, I'm willing to have sex with as many women for as good of a show.
I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place. Okay.
I saw her at the show, and we hung out after, and yada, yada, yada. That's right.
It's hard to say. Nobody drove. Nobody drove. Absolutely.
That was the craziest lately. I love it. It was pretty cool. I love it. So there's actually good news, bad news to it. Uh-oh. Bad news, because I take an antidepressant for anxiety. You know, it's hard to be hard, you know? Oh, shit. But that and getting out there is the good news. When I was able to do it, guess what? Too big. Whoa, really?