Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony and Stan!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. We have the great Dave Scherer playing guitar for us here tonight. John Dee's on the keys, and that's Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody.
They have the new Kill Tony band on YouTube, and their hit single, Pandemonium, is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. How you guys feeling tonight? Good? Feels good in here. Feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now.
You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We are braving the freezing weather, and what a warm, hot show I have for you, ladies and gentlemen. Two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Bert Kreischer and Rick Ingram.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Rick Ingram.
Bert Kreischer. Let's fucking go. Hi, buddy. Free Bert is out now on Netflix. It is one of the top shows on planet Earth. Welcome back, Bert Kreischer.
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Chapter 2: What events are planned for the Kill Tony show?
All right, Hans Kim.
Let me go. Bert, you grab that mic quick.
Oh, I didn't mean to. I just, you know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation, so it was nice that you brought levity to it. I'm kidding. I've been laughing all weekend.
Hans, fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happens?
Yeah, that's a type of gun competition. It's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about.
But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021. Turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow, or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble, and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token Asian. This wasn't the Asian? No.
That's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian.
Uh-huh. Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian that you were talking about?
No, it worked. I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two. I mean, only one can replace the other. He was the Yao to my Ming, so... It worked amazingly.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of Rick Ingram in the Kill Tony history?
Here we go.
I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight. Does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage? I could really use that shit. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry, that's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants.
The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torta the Explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as Tortilla. All right, guys, that's been my time with Big Vinny.
Big Vinny. It's even in his name, folks. His entire identity is his weight. Meanwhile, he's the third fattest guy up here right now. I lost... Sorry, Bert. He needs to do those jokes in L.A. We know Red Band's number one, Bert number two, and Medium Vinny here doing nothing but Ozempic and fat jokes.
So, yeah, slightly less Big Vinny is what I've been going by on the streets.
I'm kidding, Bert. You're not that fat. You seem like you got a little depressed there for a second. No, no, no. I'm on Charo.
I lost 40 fucking pounds. I shit blood in the morning. Are you really on GLP-1?
No drugs for me.
Just running and eating right. Okay, I'm a cheater. I get it. Fuck you.
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Chapter 4: How did Hans Kim's camping trip influence his comedy?
There's many opinions you can get. Shut the fuck up. Okay, shut up. They can make it longer, but only really when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So really the thickness is what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal or else it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger. Normal dick, normal length, normal girth.
Maybe a little small, but normal. In the statistical average. Give me fucking numbers, bro. You went to a doctor. Okay, okay. Well, the average girth is five inches circumference. That's where I was. So it's right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times, not twice. You're supposed to go twice. First of all, circumference? Can I feel one more time?
You got the measuring tape out? I got eight and a half inches circumference now. Like Shane Diesel, right next to him. Wow. I'm eight. He's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference. That's late. That's late. It's like this, Tony. For you to know, for your reference. I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to, it's not, you don't have to. So eight inches around right now?
Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft. Depending on humidity and stuff, it's very strange. It's bigger when it's soft? Yeah, a little bigger when it's like almost all the way hard, it's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird. Rick. You know, but whatever. My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix. And the size is as big as your wrist. That's eight?
That's eight inches. Do we have a measuring tape? Just for a wrist. That's not as exciting as fucking homo right here. It's like, yeah, let's go. Here's what I'm wondering. With something that big, are you even able to get it into a dude's butt? That was my next question. All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do Bert's wrist. Let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot.
Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no, you're not. What is a can? You're not insane. It's... Are you serious? Oh, Bert's got it. There we go. Uh-oh. Wow.
I'm all teeth, but I got it in. There's no party this guy isn't the king of, goddammit.
I'll do whatever you want. Mr. Burt.
Anytime people go, how did Burt get his career? We're just going to send that picture.
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Chapter 5: What are the comedic experiences shared about Greyhound buses?
Life.
They owe you money. Greyhound owes you money. Greyhound owes you money. They just have to use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it. They know. They know.
They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound one time. One time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound, which is the scariest place on Earth.
I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the Greyhound station would be too much. And it's right outside of the strip club, so the board is terrifying. And I walked up to a lady, I said, when is the bus to Charlotte? Right?
I looked at her, and she was looking at me, and she went, the bus to Charlotte leaves in 32 minutes!
What did you say? I was like, don't yell at me.
I'd rather be on Frontier. Nigga, I hate Frontier.
You know Atlanta Greyhound Station is dangerous when Dedrick is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John Dees does right now. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out, John, at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is, everybody. You know why he got it right? Doesn't work. The joke doesn't work.
Because we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looting. Oh, yeah. Because we got to make our Kill Tony money somewhere. Like, I don't steal, but I loot. You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Group synergy is different. Yeah.
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Chapter 6: How does Angel Diaz describe his unique approach to comedy?
Is the Greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City? Yes, it is. I've been to that Greyhound.
Wow. You know exactly where the Greyhound stations are.
Yeah, yeah. I was just there.
Wow. At the Greyhound?
At the fucking Greyhound.
You know you got money.
You don't have to be there. My father-in-law doesn't. Fucked up.
He called you, come get me now.
And Magic City has the best wings in town.
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Chapter 7: What insights does Angel provide about his living situation?
Why are you watching ice skating? How do you enjoy that? No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is going to be, okay, I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. You have it, man. Yep.
A rising star, ladies and gentlemen. Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign as a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, man. Thank you so much. That guy rode the Greyhound here. The actual big dog, everybody. He rode the actual dog with his cowboy hat. One more time for the great Dedrick Flynn. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again.
Completely cleansed the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's nasty, nasty attitude.
Chapter 8: How does the episode conclude with audience interactions?
Tony. Last time I was on, you talked about your penis in a comedic way. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Zach Townsend, everybody. Here we go.
How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know? I kind of see them as the same thing.
You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no.
No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yuck.
Get my fingerprints off it, you know? I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because all the worst people I know hold theirs sideways, you know? It's either, like, give me your fucking money or, like, baby hanging off the hip at Walmart, you know?
Some white woman in Cookie Monster pajama bottoms even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been to Houston before. You know what I'm talking about.
The baby's gonna put the tears going this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because whenever I see one out in the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now?
You know? And, uh... I, uh... I don't know about you guys, but whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of, like, a female teacher banging their younger male students.
We got to pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age.
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