Matt Gorley

Okay. Well, it probably took us down and unproductive.

Oh, birch beer is pretty common.

It's out there.

No, is that an East Coast thing?

Yeah, when I was growing up, every now and then, my grandfather would pull up in his Model T and say, let's go get a birch beer. And then on the way back, we'd vote for Warren Harding for president. See, out here, we just have beer. We just have beer, you nerd. Okay, well, okay. Well, I guess I'm the fool in this equation. Well... Um, I, uh, this is a, you have mostly a thriving business.

I think, um, be wary of the birch syrup and put a warning on the label. Do not drink. Okay. Put a warning on, on the birch syrup label that, uh, it's not, you know, no one should drink it.

No one's going to drink it.

No, we've tried that with other products. Yeah. Really? We have a Conan fire extinguisher, and in fires, people won't use it. We have a Conan intubator, and people that are dying won't use it.

I'm going to say the Adirondack chair is the best outdoor wooden chair one can have. It gives you the most back support. Hot take. Yeah, that's my hot take.

Okay, that's nice. You win this round.

Yeah. All my money is taken from the kids' camps. The ship is sinking. Quickly, grab the life preservers. They're Conan's own life preservers. I'd rather die. I choose to drown. Well, Mike, you're a good guy. You've got a nice business. I envy you living up there in Lake Placid. Those are cold winters, but what a beautiful country. What a beautiful place to be from.

And congratulations on the upcoming possible Olympics where people remain perfectly motionless and yet are given the highest rewards. prize possible in athletics. I think that's it. It was a pleasure, Mike. We're going to go make some griddle cakes and pour two of these three syrups onto it. And then afterwards, not use the Conan defibrillator. Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you very much, Mike.

Take care. Bye. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Well, we should have an Adirondack chair the next time we're outside, and I'm going to demand one. And then I want to keep it at the end of the night, and I don't want to pay for it.

I just think that's a fantastic chair, the Adirondack chair. Check it out. It is, it is, it is. Tell us, what do you do? What is your profession? How do you make your way in this cruel world?

So basically, let me cut to the chase.

Hello, Mike. It's good to talk to you. Tell us, Mike, where are you talking to us from right now? Where are you in the world?

Okay. That's strange to me. I mean, maple is the go-to, and it's suddenly like you're saying, oh, no, there's another kind of Kleenex other than Kleenex. There's Zorzabar tissues. Yeah. So describe what does it taste like? How is it different beech from maple? Or is that just an impossible thing to describe?

Oh, I see. Each one, I understand. We don't each get a plate. Each plate, yes. It's a different type. So move the plates to the middle. And so you have your birch, you have your maple. What's that one right over there? This is... Pure maple.

That's maple walnut.

That one's for Gorley. I think what we're going to do is I just want to have a few more questions before we start tasting, which is I know when I was a kid, I was tasting what I thought was syrup. but it wasn't. It was the stuff that you get at the supermarket. Basically, in the 60s and 70s, we were lied to. What was I eating?

So Mrs. Butterworth is a liar, is what you're saying.

Yeah, I always assumed she was a very small person whose body was filled with syrup. Yeah.

Okay, let's not do that.

Okay, that's just slanderous. That's like saying there's no Santa Claus. You're such a conspiracy theorist. So anyway, that's just basically sugar and what?

And a bunch of preserves.

This country was founded on something important, and now we've lost our way. But you're going to bring it back because you're talking about real syrups. Well, Conan, I know you're a huge history buff. You bet I am. Civil war. Not just civil war. Don't pigeonhole me. I know all histories. Oh, no. God, I think he got mad at me when I said not just civil war. We lost his connection.

We'll get it back. Don't worry. It's a matter of time.

Let's start with the pure. I know. Let's start with the pure maple syrup. Should we go ahead and do it? No, no. We're going to wait until he comes back, but we can at least distribute. Okay.

This sounds kind of perfect. I have been up to Lake Placid. And of course, Lake Placid, am I correct? Is that the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid?

This guy... Up in the northern reaches of New York, who gets syrup out of a tree, his computer went down. Big shock. His computer is made of balsa wood. It probably runs on sap. You know, there's there's like a falcon. What's that?

All right. Well, listen, this gentleman is not with us at the moment. Can he hear us? I don't think so. He's not on yet. Well, I just think this gentleman who we're talking to, Mike, who makes the maple syrup, his connection has gone down. Yeah. Because I don't think they have Wi-Fi yet in Lake Placid, New York. And that's going to cost them the Olympics if they can't get it together.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no way to luge. You can't luge. It's a no luge situation. Yeah.

um why am i laughing so hard you're laughing because the fumes from the syrup he'll be back anytime now and you know what i don't know who sets these things up but i'm sure i cheated so is it eduardo who tests the signal it's a team effort team effort i see well that's a nice way to throw people under the bus i didn't say who is on the team i said i'm part of the team okay don't worry about it and listen you won't be blamed aaron blair sorry i'm

For okaying a connection that isn't there. Can't we send these people equipment?

Oh, you cheaters.

And listen, Mike, I want you to know that I take responsibility for that system going down. And when I say I take responsibility, I mean my bad team.

Yes. Okay. I wasn't around for that one.

Yeah, it's Blay and Eduardo. We call them Bled-Wardo. Wow. Bled-Wardo's a beast that screws everything up. Okay, so we're about to taste the, which is the first one we're tasting? Pure maple syrup. Pure maple syrup. And tell us, when was this harvested? What's the best time to get that maple syrup?

That's delicious.

That is heaven.

That is so good. The texture.

I just got the word about that. It's not happening. I'm the first one they talk to.

Well, again, that feeds into your alcoholism. It sure does. I can't take too much of it straight. Wow, Sona. I know. I don't know how you do it. You have a little bit, yeah. I just have a little taste. You have to chase with water. I can't.

That is fantastic.

Yeah. Once you've had, hey, once I've had this, you can't go back, you know? I can't go back.

All right. What's the next one you want us to try? There's maple walnut and then there's birch.

Yeah, I'll tell you later. It's a whole thing. I'm on the board.

Okay, here we go.

I can taste the difference.

I love that you have the walnut, the walnutty. It's got that just little nutty something.

I passed around.

Were you chatting up a bear in the woods? An elk come by? It's like, I like Gourley.

I can't. I can't take that much pure. That's a lot of syrup, yeah. I can't do it. You don't need to drink it all. I like to get little tastes. No problem. You're the person that goes to the wine tasting and just drains the whole bottle.

Yeah, the sports where you lay still and gravity does it all.

And they say, you know, you spit in this barrel and then you drink out of the barrel. Oh, this smells very different. So, Conan, it's very different. And this one is definitely for you, Conan. This is for Conan since it's made from very tall white birch trees. And the syrup has a reddish hue. It is sweet and fruity, but slightly acidic with very unique flavors. That is me.

This is a good description of me. Oh, man, I'm so happy. Is birch syrup going to catch on, do you think?

Oh no.

Just stay really still and you might get a gold medal. Don't move. Remember we just had a bobsledder on this? Oh, yeah. That guy was full of shit. I stayed really still and I won. Good for you, Bob's letter. Look, this got off to a bad start and I apologize, Mike. But I do think Lake Placid is a beautiful place and also home of the Adirondack chair.

It was in glasses that were presented to us at a tasting. So how did I fuck that up? That's tangy.

and have it be the third thing you tasted for someone to accidentally drink it.

We compliment you. The taste of Gorley was fantastic. The taste of Sona was amazing. And then when you two were quiet and we had a little bit of Conan, it was repellent. It was sour.

I wouldn't say that acidic is the only issue. How's it selling, the birch syrup? How's it going?

Let's call it the Jordan. It is... Let me do you a little favor here, pal. I don't know much about business and such. I would put 99.9% of your business into the two maples, the walnut maple and the regular maple. I would try... Would you have a facility where you make the birch?

Is there any Conan ornaments? Did you ever make an ornament?

I agree. And also pets often eat it and you find it later. Ew.

Sona, recently you met someone out in the wild, and I think that's about to lead us into an interesting journey.

And the evidence is there because the country seems pretty unified.

Sure.

I'm going to take us through some of these. For instance, here's one. This is a short introduction, but there's a ton of tags on this, like nipple licking, not looking for constructive criticism, smut, porn with feelings, blowjobs. Okay. Here it is.

Receiving an autograph and a hug from her giant ginger idol following a live taping of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend would have been more than enough for Lily. But after he waves goodbye to the crowd, she realized Conan left a lot more than his signature behind. What does that mean?

Yeah, but what does that mean? I think you jizzed on the autograph paper.

What are you talking about? She's supposed to code his DNA.

I am meeting these people at their level. Let me remind you of some of these tags.

Teasing, dirty talk, blowjobs, face fuck.

There's just tons and tons of these.

Recently engaged, Conan enjoys a low-key celebration with fiancée Natasha at a Red Sox game where they get frisky in one of the VIP suites.

After an aggravating day alongside Detective Terry Seattle, when asked to question another of captivating Keith's former assistants, Conan finds the enchanting Eden has more than a few tricks up her sleeve.

Right. Do you think there's movie material here?

After getting a taste of the submissive lifestyle while filming Conan Without Borders in Berlin, Conan seeks out dominatrix Miss Andrea to fulfill his fantasies.

We've talked about that.

Oh, I see. These are lead-ins to the full. You have to kind of click through to get to the whole story.

Here's a good one. Conan attends his 40th high school reunion where he finds out Lolly, a fellow former student turned Brookline history teacher, secretly pined after him in their youth. It's called Not Too Late.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Lolly nodded, eyeliner making her gaze appear smoky yet skittish. Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Conan's tongue wet his lips. My hotel. Wet lips. I'm done. Wet lips.

No, no, no.

I can't do it. Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

Conan Rose. It's... Wait, say it again. Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

Like, I think you're working your mouth. You're working your way... Oh, I should read the line before here. Okay, here we go. Unsure... I'm always unsure in these situations.

Unsure precisely when Conan sprang her breasts free, mouth stalling at her clavicle, Conan rose, eyes an ocean churning with uncertainty and craving.

Excuse me, ma'am. How rough do you like it? No blinking. Exhalations audible. Lolly studied him in silence. Features set. I want to eat. Oh, I can't.

Oh, my God. Stop it.

Yeah, you keep saying it. Matt literally cannot stop. Matt, you're getting turned on. Don't shut up. He's getting turned on. I'm going to stab you. I didn't know you had a fork to dig.

It's actually more of a sport.

I'm just saying this gets highly explicit. It's a fork and a spoon.

You've got it. I'm not starting me. I'm not going to read this.

I'm not going to read it out loud. I want to know what's going on. Just put it down. Man, hey. Step away from the phone. You are in command of your faculties.

It's a real page turner. Oh, God. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

I will say for anyone listening who thinks that Conan is joking, I remember teaching you how to right click back at late night. You were like, oh, that button does something else.

That's true.

You also make me you also used to make me say permission to come aboard before I could go into your office. Even though your desk was literally like a foot and a half from the door and I could put something on it. I had to say permission to come aboard. And you would say, hey, permission denied.

This is, yeah, what we call in the podcast. industry, a double wrap.

I think I'm afraid to admit it to you. I'm afraid of what you will tear into.