Matt Rodriguez-Payne

Mostly what people sitting watching cricket say to each other is, I'll have another pint of Pimms, please.

But it's not right.

It's not convincing.

And as far as the jumper is concerned, I've never met a cricket sweater

that wasn't completely indestructible.

They get the most almighty battering and stretch around the... I mean, that's pretty standard, actually, is that the umpire, given a sweater, will either hang it over his shoulders or tie it around his waist by the sleeves.

So yes, you cannot leave stuff lying around on a cricket field.

If you do and the ball hits it in play, then there are consequences.

If you fielders very often wear, close-in fielders very often wear helmets these days, just because it makes sense.

If the ball's hit at you very, very hard, you don't want it hitting your bare head.

If you put that helmet down on the field, the batsman hits the ball and the ball hits the helmet, that is immediately five runs.

right okay the idea is you can't use anything else other than your feet and hands or your body to feel the ball do the poor old umpires then go around with like wearing 15 jumpers well no because generally it's only one at a time so it'll be for whoever's bowling but very often they'll get the hat and some sunglasses and a sweater they'll be standing there with two hats on their heads

And if they've given you a sweater, then you've got two choices.

You either sort of drape it over your shoulders or you tie it around your waist by the sleeves.

But it wouldn't stretch the sleeves unless he, I don't even know what you, they're thick wool, these cricket sweaters.

And they just don't stretch like that.

Good luck stretching them.

I know.

Particularly after an espresso martini, Googling beauty boxes late at night after a drink or two.

Have you checked your bank account this morning?