Matt Sargent

Oh, holy fuck. What's up, bitches? I'm talking to all the 14 women here in this fucking sausage fest. This is cool. Anybody here from Austin? Three of the most boring fucking people you've ever met in your goddamn life. This city makes me want to kill myself.

I would have already drowned myself in Lady Bird Lake if it weren't for the fact that anybody that finds my dead body is just gonna assume that it's a gay one. Hey, it looks like it's one of them floating queers. He's floating face down, look at him. Oh, thank God. This is going better than I thought it would. Hell yeah. This place is fucking bright. Jesus. So many ugly people.

This is a very Austin crowd. You know what I mean? It's a very diverse crowd. Never seen so many different kinds of white people in my life. All right. Well, I guess that's all my time. My name is Matt Sargent.

Good hair on top of my head, and then I got a lot on my ass, so I think that's a personal issue. Okay, prove it. Absolutely not.

This is a nice belt buckle. I'm not unbuttoning this for nobody except Mr. Tony Hinchcliffe here, all right? Matt, what are you into exactly?

No, I just thought it was kind of an easy jazz. I see a lot of glasses in here connected to a lot of weird-looking dudes' faces.

Probably not, but I was going to say, you freak me out because you talk like Bradley Cooper in the movie where he takes that drug. What's it called?

I can jerk off on cocaine very well. You do a lot of cocaine? Not a lot. Almost every other time it ends up like gooning. It ends up what? You know what that is, there's no way you don't. Every other time it ends up what?

Are you gonna let me explain gooning? It's jerking off on math or cocaine.

Uh, that's such a loaded question, but, um... By easy fucking setup, you are correct. Yeah, I appreciate the layup.

I don't know. Like, I dropped out of college, and then I went to tech school, and then now I'm here. You know what I mean? How do you make money? It's really a me thing. How do you make money? I sell boots. Where? I... I don't think I should say where I sell boots at.

They're on South Congress. It's a bar. It's not a bar. It's a boot store. It's like a high-end. You sell boots. Boots. Okay. I'm sorry. I got kind of lingo.

They haven't fired me yet, and it's been, you know, eight months, so I think I'm doing all right.

Absolutely. Sometimes it's famous people.

Well, you rode this horse into this boot store. I figured you knew when you came in.

There's no goddamn way you're a size 14, Tony. My friend. There's no way. I've seen people the size of Shaquille O'Neal with size 12 double E. There's no way you're a 14.

No, it's all availability of like rare leathers, you know?

So, do you have any boots available? Of course I do, and Luis J. Gomez is a hater, and that's why he smokes... What cigar is that?