Megyn Kelly

It was very hard to know where to start, but we will begin with the 67-year-old Madonna.

OK, who ditched her signature blonde curls and lingerie in favor of a more gothic, witchy, shipwrecked look.

Look at her.

At least she has clothes on.

The ship on her head had a scarf so long it needed its own payroll.

Seven people carried it.

Seven to carry the train from the ship on her head.

She was also carrying a horn instrument for some reason.

I don't know why.

Again, it's not for you to understand.

It's just to confuse you and ideally for you to feel dumb because you don't get it because you're not Madonna or Anna Wintour.

We're going to get right to probably the worst, the absolute worst.

I mean, honestly, just when you think Lena Dunham cannot get any homelier, she shows up at the Met Gala after a seven-year absence from the public eye, a seven-year delightful absence.

And

She's shaved off her eyebrows and seems to have gained even more weight.

Not only that, but her enormous shins and calves are covered in some sort of weird mark.

She's got obviously some sort of a skin condition.

They don't appear to be bruises.

It's like, I don't know, weird little warts or moles or like.

I have no idea what's going on.