Meredith

Hey, John. Yeah, thanks for taking my call.

Well, I have been married for 19 plus years. I've always been kind of the sole provider and really just don't feel supported in life, you know, much of any, in any capacity. And I just wonder at this point with this unhealthy kind of marriage dynamic, is this still salvageable?

Why now? Why now? It's been this way for a long time. I think as my kids get closer to being done with school, out of the house, that I'm not going to lose custody of them. And even if I did, it's at a time where it would be okay. I just don't know that as an empty nester, I want to continue being like a...

mom to him as well there you go does he know this oh yeah oh yeah yeah we've had so many conversations over the years and at one point I kind of laid it down that I really needed more from him and um He got really, you know, he got really emotional and things kind of changed a little bit.

And then in the middle of that, my brother was going through a really ugly divorce and I saw what it kind of did to his kids. And I was like, I don't think I can do that to my kids right now because they have a good dad. He's just not a good partner for me.

What?

So he doesn't really take initiative to help with anything. So like if something needs to get done around the house, you know, he doesn't notice that it needs to be done. Like I finally got, you know, a bunch of clutter removed from my house, out of the house.

and he still didn't notice, hey, the dishwasher still needs to be run or unloaded or to pick stuff up off the floor or the kids need to go to the dentist or the kids need to go to the doctor.

What does he do? I don't know. Well, one thing he does is he kind of took on a volunteer role in our community. And so he spends a lot of time like doing that, but it's not like it's a paid position. And one time I actually got a call from my daughter's school. Hey, can you come pick your daughter up? She's ill. And he wasn't answering his phone because he was in a meeting for this.

Like, dude, it's volunteer. Leave, you know, go pick up your child. She's literally around the corner from you, from where you are.

I have. He really wanted me to make a list. And I was like, you don't work for me. Like, why am I making you, like, a literal, like, he wanted details and all of, you know, just a breakdown. I was like.

He can if he takes an interest in it. The issue sometimes is that he tells me that I'm worrying about things that are not worth worrying about. I don't have an opinion as to what is important and isn't.

I think, you know, so this one's kind of gross, but like there is a, like the toilet sometimes needs to be cleaned in between when someone is coming in to clean the house. You know, we pay someone to come in and clean the house.

They come once a week. So sometimes things need to happen in the in-between.

And I don't think, you know, like, If I point that out, and I do it sometimes, like just once when I'm needing to run out the door and I say, hey, can you show some attention to the toilet? And he's like, eh, I'll get to it. I have this other thing I have to do first. I'm like, ugh. So it's frustrating because it's like I can do all the things, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it.

And I would just like for, you know, sometimes for it to be like, hey, yeah, no, it's all taken care of. No problem. Or you just go do it and don't make a big deal out of it.

Not really. I literally, he acts like that's the case, but I am a very like super basic person as far as I am so routine. You can tell the clock by what I'm doing. So there is nothing that I'm doing that's new. I've, you know, really picked, I've really like made it to where everything is pretty streamlined.

It's not, you know, like if there's dishes in the dishwasher and it looks pretty full, just run it. That's it. You know, and it doesn't have to be, You know, I'm willing to do it if I'm around. And once they've been done, then they need to be put away. But what he'll do is he'll just, like, leave it for three days.

I'm like, dude, you can't leave the clean dishes in the dishwasher because they didn't dry well enough. You know, like, you have to just take them out, you know, and dry them. But, you know, this is over 20 years. Like, it's the same things. There's not anything new. He just develops an interest in something that isn't, like,

really that pressing and he decides that he's going to focus on that instead of doing like the things that need to be done every day.

And it sounds like that is definitely true.

Yeah. No, I can see that. I can see that.

He's never – he's left me hanging.

Yeah, he's just, because I can't trust him. I can't trust him to pick me up. You know, I mean, it's just been demonstrated several times that he's just not willing to step up and do that.

I absolutely did. And a lot of it is he suffers from anxiety. I do too.

I beg him to get help from it. He won't do it. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And... And that becomes almost like a boundary issue because he literally wants me to call and make the appointment for him.

Yeah, and I just don't feel like that's my role. So he asked me, well, do you think this or this? Do you think this or this? And I'm like, I would pick something and go.

No, I'm well beyond that, you know, as far as that.

I've let that go. Oh, yeah.

What? Like, and no, no, no.

No. I mean, part of the thing is for the past several years since I decided, well, I'm doing this, but I'm not happy about it. And so I spent several years on what I'll call like the dopamine rush. Like, oh, I'm going to eat this food. I'm going to buy stuff. I'm going to, you know, all of these things.

And so when, especially men, which, because I'm not really attracted to women, but especially men who showed me care, When that's not what I get at home, I do feel that attraction. I crush on people that I have no interest in. I would never do that, but I think there's still a part of me that mourns for that partnership. That's what I thought I was getting.

Yeah, that was a conversation we had probably like 11, 12 years ago.

So he decided he really... He went and talked to people. He's a big crowdsourcer. Went and talked to all these people, called into all these other friends. Oh, I need to do this testing for certification. And he couldn't pass the testing. And then it just kind of like fell away. He hooked up with an old high school friend about a year or so ago. And the guy's like, oh, well, we can get you...

you know, you should come talk to my boss. And he went in and they're like, well, you're really, you know, kind of past an entry-level position, but don't really hold the, you know, hold a certification for this other thing. So, and, you know, his whole thing is, oh, well, like all of my friends who have all these great jobs, they're not anything special. I'm special.

I have, you know, this many degrees. And all they did was be born to a family that gave them stuff. gave him a company. I'm just like, so he's delusional.

Well, he's probably been out longer than that because when I married him, he was actually living with his parents. And I didn't realize that that meant that he wasn't actually earning enough to be on his own.

I just don't know that as an empty nester, I want to continue being like a mom to him as well.

100%.

You left papers in there. He said, well, it was new technology. What the hell am I supposed to do about it?

Brittany, you need to leave. I've had enough of you. You need to leave. I remember when she...

You need to jump out of this vehicle right now.

Clearly, we see who has issues here, and it's not me. I did not take a sleeping pill or vomit. Now it's clear case closed.

And Meredith is like, I love lies. I love dishonesty. Taxation for representation. We're here. We're queer.

Meh.

What? I didn't.

She's like, do it. Look through my phone. No, it's okay. No, look through it. It's so embarrassing to me.

Yes.

Shut up, Mary.

And saying it out loud is going to change my life forever.