Michael A. Gonzales
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Hey, this is Brad Bain coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! Let's go!
Very exciting. What's your number, Tony? I'm guessing 412.
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
This is exactly what the fuck I wanted to happen. All duct taped together.
Yeah. I'm getting word from the officials. It's a mixture of bowling and bawling.
It's orange. Amnesia Jenkins. Amnesia Jenkins.
No, I don't have shit that would top that. No, that's brilliant.
You figured it out. That's a girth joke. It's not a length joke. That's true.
We're getting to the bottom of this case, folks. Check your temperature. I got the shitty one.
This is so fucking awesome. You're getting to the bottom of the box. It is getting kind of desperate. It's getting wacky down there.
I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. Hey, Heidi. Hi. The ginger palate cleanser of this show. I like that he said, you know, all comedians.
Yeah, you know us comedians, always getting drunk, drinking and driving.
They sent me here. The black bean. That was so good.
Incredible. That was great. That was great.
Charlie fucking Mack. That is so fucking good.
I have everything but a dog prop. I have everything but a dog prop. Don't even joke about that. That's not funny. Wait, I think I hear him in there.
Remember, we're getting to the bottom of this thing. I love it. I love the bottom. For some reason, I like the bottom more than... Oh, well, busted.
Oh, no, I hear him again. No, it's okay. Stop. Your daddy's here. Your daddy's here. What kind of dog is it?
I don't see that. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't see a goddamn dog nowhere.
H-O-T-T-O-G-O. Hot to go. Sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food. My Spotify rap says my top song for 2024 was crop dusting the funeral home during visitations. The guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO in New York City was caught today at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Apparently he was meeting with a Hamburglar to get some tips on poisoning people.
I'm planning a bar mitzvah and at the last minute the rabbi comes, cancels on me because we're not Jewish and I don't have a son. So yeah, I'm back on the Hamas train. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.
It was so exciting because, Tony, I wasn't able to play any Call of Duty this weekend. I was in Buffalo this weekend. So I am about to play some more fucking Call of Duty. Whoa, look at this. I currently, and Tony, but here's the problem. I currently only have 20 gold, or no, excuse me, 20 diamond camouflages for my guns.
I need 33, so I need to get 13 more diamond camouflages this week, Tony, before I go to Indianapolis, man! Whoa, this is very exciting.
No, it hurts like a motherfucker, don't it? But I'm just so excited about Call of Duty tonight. I'm not even kidding. I'm about to play for 10 hours. I'm about to pop a little Adderall, drink some espressos. Really? I don't know. I mean, it is kind of late. It will it will be kind of late, but I might tomorrow. I probably will when I wake up tomorrow.
Yeah. RFK. So what is going to happen if there's another pandemic or something? Are you going to are you going to force people to get the vaccinations? I mean, what are you going to do there?
And that's so weird you say that because when I was in Buffalo this weekend, I ate a whole bunch of the egg rolls with pizza inside, and I had really bad shits today. I'm going to have to get on my all-brand buds. I'm going to have to do something, Tony. It's really bad. I've doo-dooed twice today, and it's always bad to doo-doo.
And then when you get up off the toilet and you get in the shower to clean off, you've got to doo-doo again. Normally, I can get all the doo-doo out of me. But to today, they were still inside of me when I got in the shower.
Oh, my gosh. No, it was wonderful. It was the strangest thing. So I'm talking to this table of people. They're sitting very close to the front. And it's this guy and this girl. And I start kind of aggressively, what's that? It's owl. It's fermented owl urine. Oh.
Weirdly enough, that looks very similar to the antifreeze I was feeding to Redband's fucking mom to keep her ass sick last year when I was living over at her house. Wow. Yup, I was giving her fucking dumb ass antifreeze at night, dude. Whoa. And she get real sleepy then, Redband.
Yeah, it was the strangest thing. And I was telling the guy he needs to divorce the woman. I mean, it was the craziest behavior. I was just kind of aggressively talking towards them. And then I look back after like 30 seconds and the woman has her hands in her face. And I'm like, bitch, are you crying? Yeah.
And she was fucking crying and then I kind of went after her stupid fucking ass because it just seems like such weird behavior. And then they ended up leaving and they were trying to steal the drinks as well. They tried to leave without paying for their food. So they were weird. I don't know. It was very strange.
Yeah, it was fucking out of control, Tony. He really did. And then they fucking leave. It was fun, though. It really was.
I know. Or somebody's crying or there's a big disaster with somebody in the crowd. I know.
Getting a little better at Tetris. I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy and like the airports and stuff. I'm getting a little bit better. I started looking it up on YouTube. I'm looking up different techniques. I'm seeing how to play. I'm figuring out how to play. Wow.
Did you color your beard, Red Band? You got a little color in that, don't you? Did you do some Just For Men gel? It looks a lot darker than normal.
I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that 23andMe. Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas. 23andMe. They're all at UT. I'm not really into politics. My friend asked me what my political views are. And I'm just, I don't know. He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama? And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white.
I went to Mexico City and I learned about mole. This lady was teaching it. She goes, there's green mole, there's red mole, there's brown mole. I'm like, I got a question. She's like, yeah. Is guac a mole? Thank you.
It's a little interesting. It's actually French, but my dad's Italian. Amazing. I was bought by Italians. I was adopted. You were bought by a what? Italians. I was, like, adopted, yeah.
I think originally it was Lambiasi, so ironically you were correct.
I was going through a lawsuit, so I couldn't really have the interview proper, and I didn't even get to say hi to Brian, but... He used to be a famous YouTuber, him and his girl, and then she fucked him and took everything. Well, no, she didn't fuck me. She fucked other... Oh.
Yeah, so she kind of locked me out of my YouTube channel, and now she's just slandering me online, and there's a lot of drama...
But it's like, you know, I think it's like a cautionary tale. Don't do business with your fiance, right?
She said that I'm verbally abusive, which could be true.
I'm actually pretty Italian. I was raised very Italian. My dad's like a capisce, a mangia. But that's all he knows. So it's just like, all right, dad. It's like mozzarella. I'm like, I'm not going to say mozzarella sticks in an Applebee's. You know what I mean? Good.
Well, I mean, I guess she outed me as, like, a homosexual, so that's been kind of cool. I can relate to you on that, you know? Right, sure.
No, she wouldn't give me my phone back. And I said, well, if I keep asking, that's not working. So why don't I try a different approach? Oh, that's actually kind of smart. Yeah.
I'm gay. Please help me. And then she sent me what I needed. I was just like, dude, it worked. Holy shit. And then she said, it makes so much sense now. Ha, ha, ha.
No, I didn't have to prove anything. She bought it. She bought it. Amazing. And so did the internet. They're like, we knew.
Yeah, that's what caused all the problems. I got, like, she broke up with me. I'm like, she's like, move on already. So I went on the dating app, and I ended up meeting someone, and she ended up tracking it, and then, like, caused all this chaos. Oh, boy. And, like, I didn't think she was a jealous person. We were together 10 years, but she had me on a tight leash for 10 years.
Like, we were to work together, live together. Right. Kind of slept together sometimes. Right. But when I finally moved on, she went, like, literally... She literally stormed... Like, I cheated on her. She stormed into my apartment, ransacked all the camera gear.
I was in my underwear, and I'm just like, you wouldn't walk... When you walk into something in the bathroom, you're like, oh, sorry, you're in the bathroom. You don't just walk in like, oh, I need to grab some stuff. You know what I mean? So I just... He's trying.
Everything's moved on? No, she's constant right now.
No, you're good. She wants to get on the show and tell her story. Oh, boy.
I wrote her a minute. What? I wrote her a minute. When was that? When we were dating, we did a comedy class together, and she had to do the graduation night. And that's a minute you guys had to do? No, she had five. Wow.
You wrote all five of the minutes? No, I've got to give her some credit. I think she might have got like a couple of jokes in there. All right.
No, not at all. She actually was terrified to do it.
No, my friend Carmen Vallone does a comedy class in Orlando.
Anyway, but he has a comedy class, and we just took the class. It doesn't matter.
Redband's looking at me like he agrees. I don't know.
I mean, 10 years together, spent every day together.
I'm sorry, you get excited too. I'm not trying to rile up a dice here with my Asian accent. All right, well.
Hi-ro, I'm Ying. Hi-ro, I'm Ying, and you're a fuckface.
You're stupid now. JP, shut up. You did very well.
Hey, y'all, people take politics too serious, nigga. Real shit. I know it's been a thing tonight, but really, people take politics way too serious. I don't even know how to spell politics, so I don't really care about it too much. It don't really bother me at all. It's funny, because I believe in, like, three degrees of separation. And I talk to Joe Rogan all the time, and that blows my mind, dog.
He just talked to Donald Trump for three hours. And I have to talk to crackheads on the street. You understand what I'm saying? Those crackheads have no idea they're two phone calls away from Donald Trump, nigga. They have no idea. They be like, let me get a dollar. I got something better for you, nigga. Just wait on it. I raced one a couple days ago. That was cool. That was fun as shit.
He was slow as hell. And I beat him. I thought I beat him. I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20 if you beat me, right? He was like, oh, I got you. I can beat you. I promise I can beat you. And then we raced, and then I won. He was like, hey, we just split the pot. Fuck it. Just split it in half. Give me half the money, please. That's my time.
Come on, nigga, we outside, man.
A lady called me a bigot the other day. Really? Yeah, and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that mean, bitch. Be smarter, dumbass. Stupid bitch. Use better words, stupid.
I've been fighting for you all week, nigga, you have no idea. Been fighting hard as shit. Been fighting hard as fuck, nigga. Now, my fucking brother leave him alone, pussy.
Yeah, it's been up and down. My brother love that shit, though. My brother enjoyed it. Nice. Brother enjoyed it. He a mailman, so that's cool. I love it. Yeah, yeah.
Swear to God. The funny thing is, I'm doing this, my life is going great, and my brother's a real madman, and he's still my dad's favorite. Wow.
Oldest. Okay. He's the second oldest. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. How many brothers do you have? I got one brother. Well, I'm talking about, I got one blood, brother. That you know of, yeah. I got... That's an ass track. I got a lot of brothers I fuck with, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas I know from the streets and shit. But, like, I got one blood, brother. Okay. Gang shit.
Yeah, yeah, I love him. Indeed.
It's good. So how many brothers do you have? Got one brother.
Yeah, and then I got a couple homeboys that we did some shit together, so they're my brothers also. They're not your brother. They are. No, no, no. They're brothers, but they're not my brother. They're brothers, but they're not my brother. What the fuck? That mean? You confused me right now. You confused me. We're confusing each other. I love it. That great shit.
Oh, no, that's my sister. The oldest sibling is my sister. Oh, okay. I got three sisters and one brother.
Where were you at? I was in Sacramento. Okay, Sacramento's fun.
She was cool. Punchline? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great club. It was a guy in the crowd. It was like a swole dude, a real swole guy. And I asked him, I said, what do you do? He was like, I'm an entrepreneur. And I was like, okay, yeah, but what is your entrepreneur in? And then he was like, I'm a security. He just made it more vague than anything, right?
And then come to find out, he like a security guard, and he came to the meet and greet, gave me a Gucci jacket, that was pretty cool. It was too big, so I gave it to my sister, because she big as hell, right? I am your sister. Yes. No, she your size, nigga.
That bitch is beautiful. I gave it to my... She should be a mailman. So I gave it to her, and then we went. Then he took it to the Gucci store the next day and bought me, like, some slides. He bought Jolly a jacket. It was crazy.
Yeah, he closed it down for us. I don't know what. He might be the president. I don't know what it is. Damn.
He said he closed down for us. I was like, that's cool.
That's exactly what you were involved in, but it was slower. They was giving us champagne and shit. Yes. You robbed it. Yeah, we robbed it. Fuck it. We robbed it. I stole that shit. Amazing. So you have Gucci slides now. I been had Gucci slides. I've had a bunch of Gucci slides. Nigga, I got... I mean, you helped me get a lot of money, nigga. You know what I'm saying? Life is all right.
Life ain't bad right now. You know what I'm saying? This is good.
I got a bracelet and shit. I have a bracelet.
Hell yeah. You got a bracelet? You're spending your money.
Jesus Christ. You say words like that. Dangerous words right now, brother.
They're not going to let me come back to the cookout after this shit, man. They're going to ban me from this shit.
What about like other, what about like other airplanes?
I mean, you can get on other airplanes, though.
Hey, hey, hey. You don't have to do that. There's other airlines.
There's different airlines. You can get on other airlines. Stick with the train. Yeah. That's like when Texas banned porn. They just banned Pornhub. That was it. All the other ones are still open.
You're on a different airline. You're fine. They're going to sue me, though.
I've been going to the gym recently. It's like a new thing for me, like the last two weeks. I've had ADHD, so it's like hard to stick to a routine. And I've only been going for two weeks, and I'm realizing I'm already encountering like an ego problem. Like I'm finding myself shirtless in the mirror listening to Beethoven after a workout.
And I can hear an ego demon gassing me up from the back, and he's saying things like, look at what you have become.
See, I've just been trying to get healthier and shit.
How are you, buddy? I'm doing good, man. I'm freaking out. What's up, brother? Hey, what's up, bro? It's good to see you, dude.
You know what I mean? I also have a lot of nerves. Your boy, I don't know what the fuck happened, Tony, but I was a little thick, and I just finally feel good enough to come out of the house.
Sick as hell. I don't know, bro. You were sick. Yeah, I've been letting people hit my vape, Tony. Don't do that around here. Everybody's fucking eating booty hole. Spreading disease and shit.
I have hyperhidrosis. How dare you, dude? Okay, Michael.
Probably COVID. I don't know. Probably some new shit. Definitely. That's not what I asked you at all.
I've been sick for like two or three days. I've just been in the crib for three days.
No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm good. You don't look fine. I always look kind of sick. Like ever since COVID, you can't be a sweaty Asian guy in public. It's just... You just always look like... That is true. I've always been sweaty. Like, I've always been a sweaty guy, but... So you feel great today? I feel so good today.
I've just been in the house. I'm happy to be out of the house. You ever been locked up in the crib sick, and now you're like, I want to be social.
Nah, they're big and brown, dude. Are they? Yeah, I got some brown areolas. I got some fat boy nipples, dude.
No, more of like, probably like a half dollar.
Yeah, not super big, but not super small either.
I have to fucking, dude, I shave them. I have to shave them. They're so sporadic. I have like Asian fibers that come off of them. They like, they'll thread through my shirt sometimes.
What the fuck is this demon seeing? Yeah, the whole joke is that I'm still kind of fucking fat as fuck.
i was for a little bit uh but then uh dude i fucking i was sober for like two years i started drinking again dude oh is that what happened last week when you came up to me and said you're ready that you're gonna do so good i fucking relapse hey you know now it's all making sense i got to witness a real life relapse uh i didn't i didn't i wouldn't really call it a relapse more of a return uh
It's the same thing. Dude, if you can't drink, dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude? If you can't drink and keep it together, what's wrong with you? What are you, gay? I don't know. Can you keep it together? I think I've been doing pretty good.
Your boy was like four or five crowns deep, like, yeah, charity.
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Was he homeless or did he have a family and kids?
What are you doing? Found this in my belly button.
I'd love to have you do a short set on The Secret Show.
You know, William has a podcast called The William Montgomery Show with our friend Casey Rockett. Check it out, guys. Yes, yes.
Well, now I'm mad at Tony from getting this guy into stand-up. Yeah.
Biden's got terminal prostate cancer. Apparently he caught it at one of P. Diddy's free coughs. They might be giants. They might be annoying. Okay, that's a band. Okay, let's keep moving. Want to know if someone went to either public or private school? Ask them if their high school graduation was loud. Barack Obama's daughter, Malia, has been accused of plagiarism.
Apparently, she developed a commercial for Nike that was shockingly similar to another black person's work. The commercial began, I have a dream. That doesn't sound familiar to me. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you.
That's what I'm going for, sir. It's fantastic. It's great to see you. Well, thank you so much. It's wonderful to see you as well, Jimmy.
Right. I was not doing well at my storage unit job. I was working at a storage unit place before this, and I used to get into it with my manager, Christina Gonzalez. And I swear to God, I think she didn't like me because I had red hair. She was a Hispanic girl, and I love Hispanic people, but she was Hispanic, and I think she had something against red-headed people. Well, fuck that bitch.
Yeah, she was horrible. She was a fat, nasty, fucking, I don't know, just nasty, horrible person.
No, I was not. I was living in a place with six other people in, where was it, Echo Park in L.A. When we moved, Jimmy, when I moved, the spot on my mattress, it was all black. It looked like somebody had died on my mattress because at the time I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine and I would just pass out on my mattress at night without any covers or anything.
Yeah. Which is good. That's what I'm going for. It almost destroyed my life, but I miss it. I miss it. I miss being able to do it.
Think about doing cocaine? Yeah. I was somewhere this week at Tony, and I got somebody a beer... And I got mad at them because I was like, okay, get the fucking beer out of my hands. I poured the beer for somebody and I was like, okay, get it out of my hands because I really wanted to drink this week at Tony. I've been feeling kind of crazy recently.
So I really wanted to drink, but I didn't drink because I think I'm at four years of not drinking like this week. So that's good.
It was crazy. I was against a bunch of fucking Yankees. It was a nightmare. Fucking Gettysburg was a real crazy place. It was Gettysburg.
Had to go to L.A. for a memorial for somebody. So it was very sad. So I was real kind of down this week. And then I was able to go to the fair. I went to the L.A. County Fair. So that was fun. I went around the fair for 10 hours on Thursday. Wow. What did you do at L.A. ? What did you do at the fair? I ate two-foot-long corn dogs. I ate... What else did I eat?
I ate a bunch of ice cream, ate some sauce serve, ate... Tell us what else you ate, William. Fuck, I ate corn on the cob, corn in a bowl. Are you going to get a little louder on the fucking horns, you pieces of shit? I mean, it's like Jimmy's in the fucking building tonight. Come on. Y'all know I was eating some motherfucking corn.
And then some bananas, Tony. I need to get some fruit in there. You mixed in some fruit.
Uh, yeah, I mean, I had a fucking, uh... What are the big... What's the big bone with the, uh... Turkey leg. You had a turkey leg?
Wow. I had a donut cheeseburger! Yeah, that was pretty good. Jimmy, that's a donut cut in half and cheeseburger in the middle. Yes, I don't know what you're working on, type three diabetes? Well, it's not good. I had my blood tested last week, and my A1C is not good. I'm pre-diabetic right now. What's your blood type? Gravy. What's my blood type? What? Gravy. Gravy, yeah.
Thank you. I know. Thank you. But yeah, I'm pre-diabetic.
Peanut butter and jelly. Sandwich! Wow.
Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Past Gas Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories, like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.
We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Past Gas wherever you get your podcasts.