Michael Kosta

Let's start with an update on America's escalating conflict with Venezuela.

While it may seem to have come out of nowhere, it dates all the way back to the Mesozoic era, when oil formed under the Earth's surface, which Venezuela then greedily parked on top of.

And now this conflict's heating up.

We turn to that major escalation off the coast of Venezuela.

The Department of Homeland Security shared the footage, said to the song, Mama Said Knock You Out.

Oh, my God, does everything have to be content these days?

Can't we just take other countries' oil for the love of the game?

I will say, I am so glad that we didn't have social media during World War II.

Imagine if you saw a video of your grandpa storming the beaches of Normandy while Wet Ass by Cardi B plays.

When Donald Trump delivered the news that America captained Phillips to this oil tanker, you can see the moment when he thought for a second about not being Donald Trump, but then he decided to be Donald Trump.

As you probably know, we've just seized a tanker on the coast of Venezuela.

Large tanker, very large.

Largest one ever seized, actually.

Largest tanker ever seized, actually.

How big was the oil tanker you seized, Abraham Lincoln?

Tall, little-ass bitch.

Trump really will find a way to brag about anything.

I seized the largest oil tanker.

I had the best MRI.

I had the perfect phone call.