Michael Smoak

I think Homozy's got two fears in life.

One is chronic pain and the other is dementia because the first one is just suffering for the rest of time and the second one makes him a burden that can't fix himself.

That really stuck with me.

And I don't know why it's one of those random lines that somebody just says about someone else and it stuck with me.

And then as I started to go through it, I realized, oh, this is what I feel.

This is how I feel.

I feel like this is taking away my own capacity to fix myself.

And what if this spiral just continues to go down, continues to go down.

And I guess one other kind of interesting lesson is how hard it is to not try hard.

You need to try hard at not trying hard.

To be gentle with yourself requires effort.

But if you apply too much effort, that's no longer being gentle with yourself.

And then if you get it wrong, you start to whip yourself into submission for not being sufficiently gentle with yourself, which is not being gentle about your un-gentleness.

And a lot of this, I think, is to do with the shame, the suppression of things.

But it's also to do with your patterns.

What am I used to?

What's the pace that I'm used to working at?

There will be lots of people for whom this isn't going to hit them until they're 60.

And there will also be people for whom it'll hit them when they're 15.

And you think, fuck.