Mike Wozniak

He's more of the show pony end of things. You don't want to trust him in a fight, do you? He's prattling about in his handstands, showing off to local peasants.

Is he a polyglot? Is he a man of many tongues? That's a very, very good guess.

Nowhere near.

I'm particularly excited about the topic.

So he's used to measure the emotional temperature of the squat. Maybe that's it. Is that right? Like a sort of morale barometer. Yeah. It's quite useful for leaders. Yeah, how is morale today? Well, Lip is currently wearing his lip like a hat. The knights will just say that they're fine. But are you really fine? Let's have a look at what Lip's doing.

I think it's the sort of thing you carry through your life if you've grown up in Britain. Oh, yeah, I know about that. But do I know about it? I don't know. That's partly why I'm so excited to be here. I think it's a huge subject. There's quite a lot you can know without knowing the details. Yeah, and is it just because I'm familiar with it? Is it just because of some sort of Osborne book as a kid?

This is the one that starts with Brutus and ends with the Saxons coming and giving everyone a wallop.

I've got no idea. Is that best?

So it's really... He's the Grisham of his day.

I mean, that's quite a... The Romania... How do you manage the supply line thing? There's a bit of a gap.

Or because I played a King Arthur battle as a ten-year-old? It's so familiar, but I doubt there's any details. LAUGHTER We're very excited about getting into it.

Is she Morgan's mum?

White magic, healing magic.

Good magic. Because she's the one behind the Green Knight, isn't she?

Yeah. Is that where he first appears?

Merthyn. I don't know what would be the problem with the word Mervyn.

Have a clue, please.

Oh, so it looks like murder, it looks like sort of devilry business.

This is the same reason the Toyota can't sell the MR2 in France. That's right, yeah. Famously. I didn't know that, that's great. Yes. The MR2.

That's lush, that stuff. Owen Glyndwr, all that kind of like, he will come again type stuff.

Oh, I don't know why they're called romances. No.

That comes first.

Well, I'm a follower of Indiana Jones, so it's going to be a basic cup, perhaps wooden, that Jesus drank from at the Last Supper. And I think the legend was that if it could be restored to Britain, that that would heal the nation. I think that is also involved in this kind of... Joseph of Arimathea.

Did he come to Britain? If so, did he bring Jesus as his apprentice? Did he buy a cup from a gift shop in Glastonbury while he was here? Did he take it back? And then is it like nicking a Hoegaarden glass from a pub? Was it not actually his glass and he was supposed to return it to the barber? He didn't. He didn't know any better. He's not from this, in other words. Do you know what I mean?

Is that... Chrétien says...

I always imagined it was like a baker's dozen.

I was thinking King Arthur and then a dozen knights.

Oh, blimey. Here we go. So, Lancelot, of course. Gawain, we mentioned. Galahad. Percival. Kaye.

Bors. Yeah?

Ooh. I don't know if that's it.

Yeah.

Lovely stuff. Great, isn't it?

Sword in the stone.

That was a guess, but I was trying to think what's missing from the classics. You're doing great, Emma.

I don't know. I haven't read it. I have heard of it. It's a Rapscallion figure, isn't it? Yeah. It's a prison book.

I have to confess, I think it's one of those things that I've intended to read for a long time. I've never, do you know what I mean? It's on the list behind all the Grishams. I may have even owned it at some point, you know, and it's been put on the bookshelf in front of the Grishams. Yeah. But then you reach for aggression.

Yeah, Le Morte d'Arthur, you're right, it's a real... Sure, but it's less easy to put in... It's not such a sort of front-of-the-bookshop type title.

I don't know. I feel I've heard that name before. What's he famous for? Yes, he's the master printer.

We did an episode on him earlier.

That's probably why.

He's as old as time, right? The guy's seeking office. Got to get in office again. Yeah. Just in case the law catches up with him. It's the Donald Trump strategy, isn't it? It's effective.

What's the thing that he didn't, where there's no source? What's the story?

Sir Gareth?

It's probably for the mass market, right?

He's got big muscles, but he will hold the door open for a lady, right?

It's very King Herod.

It's covered, right? Don't do that, please.

The platonic idea of a man.

Go forth, do a quest, grab a treasure.

to get a bit of brisk tourist ways.

All that kind of stuff.

The Poles have got the sleeping knights of Givant. Oh, really?

I'm aware of this, yeah. It's one of those, like the knights or the king who will rise again type thing. That's it, they're sleeping. They're in a cave.

The nuance window!

Yeah. But with a new... Yeah, whatever's needed at the time. Right. Yeah.

I thoroughly enjoy it. I love that. It's been an absolute feast. You knew way more than you let on.

I wasn't sure. Yeah. I'd loved it as a kid, I think, in particular. Mm-hmm. And there's so many brilliant movies and things that remind you of Excalibur in particular. I'm going to have to go back and watch that. Excalibur's a great one.

Yeah, there's been a lot of details, names that I probably haven't grasped, but let's see.

1,600.

Oh, when he was blue, when he was feeling low, his lip could go down to his navel or he could also put it over his head, like a backwards hood.

So it didn't sound like the word for dads to the French audience.

She was originally a healer and a sort of magic positive creature and then became villainous.

There's, for example, Richard Braveheart claiming to have the Excalibur itself and giving it to the... Richard the Lionheart. The Lionheart, sorry.

It was.

Pluck a sword out of the stone. Play my right league. Yeah. Kingdom. Can't wait. I think I would try to be your sort of benevolent dictator. Right, OK. I think it's worth giving that a go. Sure. Even for a couple of years. And how big is your roundtable going to be? Oh, I think, oh, golly, this is like wedding invites because there'd be so many people that would be offended if I didn't...

You've got to think about colleagues. You've got to be old friends from school you're not being in touch with. I'm going to say 240 because then people can never kind of like bring a friend, that kind of stuff. Okay, plus ones. Yeah, plus ones. I'll say 240. You're both invited, obviously. Thank you. Thank you.

So the poet likes this guy?

He's good, but he's not like him.

What's a guy got to do? LAUGHTER

The Trojan dude. Yeah.

All I know about him is that he left Troy, had a few adventures, and then came here and, in a classic sort of conqueror style, killed some indigenous giants or something. And then said, this is mine, by the way.

Those poor sweet giants.

I think the giants even lived near me. I think they're from Totnes. Yes. I live in Exeter and I think they're Totnes-based. So if they were Totnes, they're probably quite nice. They're probably quite... Into sort of building their own guitars. Provincial giants.

Exactly.

Cultured giants. Yeah. Cultured in general.

So he's a classic columnist, sort of broken Britain. Yeah, he is.

Is he a Roman? He's a Roman, we think.

But he's there after the Romans have left? He's hanging about?

Son of a Roman, grandson of a Roman. The utility bills are coming to their address and they're settled. They've got friends and family and hobbies and... And they've managed to let people know that their name is the Golden Immortal. Yeah. You don't want to move on from a place where people are calling you that, do you? No, you don't.

That's a series of Taskmaster. Here's a bunch of guys around a round table who might be up for a challenge. The Mabinogion I'm vaguely familiar with, it's incredibly weird.

People sort of seem to change form quite regularly.

I assume at some point someone's got to kill a boar, right? Normally they sing someone's got to kill a magical boar. Yes.

That's brilliant. I think that's just kicked into my memory. It's just dragged up from the back. Who is King Arthur? It's coming back to me.

You do know this story.

Maybe, yeah, yeah. So there's this sort of Miyagi-style kind of training, secret training going on. And then, yeah, he wants to trim his beard and get his dream curls going for wedding day. He wants all the bells and no frizz. That's it.

Is it a tentagel thing, is it? Or is that imposed later?

Yeah. Oh, you can't go anywhere rural in England and parts of Wales without someone claiming this is, yeah.

The gift shop needs... It's all about merch.

Amazing.

Can you describe how he does that?