Nicholas Hartley
Appearances
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Hey, my grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Because he's just sitting there like, the ref is on their team.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like, you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like, I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, ingles? And they're like, no. That's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow, a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant. It is going up there like, can I get you some chili killis? Would that be all right?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Four months. Four months. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was playing professional rugby.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened. I'll tell you that.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there, and he'll be like, that's on the board. That's bullshit. That's bullshit and a half. And then he'll be like, the black person will answer. He'll be like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding, and he goes, this is bullshit.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I mean, I always say that kind of watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, but I love my grandpa. So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting. I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, he refuses to watch basketball. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. He wants me to be an engineer, but I got a little sad. Oh, no. You're doing just fine. Thank you, Tony.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N-word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there. And I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what did you think of that guy, grandpa? Did you like that guy? because they were having fun. And he goes, that guy, he's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him, you know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yep. Wow. That is incredible. I pulled my hamstring on that one.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I mean, I play a lot of Sudokus and... I play chess, and I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot. Okay.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that. Yeah. Big fan of her being a gal. Yep. Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And, uh, Brosephiosh. What is she getting her master's in? Uh, she wants to be a dietician. Ooh, is she a bigger girl? No, but she does do CrossFit. And, uh, she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Why she wants to work with big girls? She says she wants to help people. There's so many other ways you could do that. She just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. Fuck. No, she's a nice lady.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Man, what scares me? I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places. That's just a real fear. I am also afraid of heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, I'm afraid of heights. When's the last time you were somewhere high? We went to Colorado one time.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge, you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Not the best answer, I know. Have you ever been arrested? Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we'd put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
So here's the thing with Grandma. Okay. Grandma pretends to not be racist.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
We'll be watching Family Feud, and Grandpa's going off, and she's like, now Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me, because I'm one of her older grandchildren, and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And I'm like, Grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I was like, I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass, Grandpa. Wow. Big fan of bluegrass. He's... Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, no, we never... We never done it with the hoods on. You will.