Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rippin' coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill or Die. Get up or Tony. It's good.
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Damn it, that felt good! How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Hola! And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. I got to say, he's bigger than ever. He looks fucking huge today.
That is Shane Greenberg on the guitar, everybody. Am I saying that right, Shane? Sean? All right. S-H-A-A-N on my fucking sheet. I had a 50-50 shot at it. Either could be Sean or Shane. This is what happens. That's the cameraman Yoni over there giving me fucking S-H-A-A-N. Take a good fucking guess. Flip a coin. Never seen Sean spelled that way. But you gotta take a chance everywhere.
What's Shane Greenberg? One more time. He's a Jew, I do believe. Greenberg. And this is Jay Stiles joining us on the keys, everybody. John Dees and Matt Muehling are out touring arenas with some big musician or some shit. I don't know what they're doing, but I like these guys. I like Jay Stiles and Sean Greenberg. And believe it or not, this is D Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody.
Very exciting stuff. I am excited about this episode. It's going to be a doozy. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? You know, every single week, I know I always hype up every single week because I book it so that it's entertaining for me.
Well, this is one of those weeks where, without a doubt, it's entertaining for me and for the people. Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a one-guest night. And that one guest happens to be the reigning... defending, undisputed, guest of the year of 2024. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Harlan Williams. Make some fucking noise for Harlan Williams, people. Boom.
Harland Williams of the Harland Highway. So many great things. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite comedic actors. Thanks, buddy. Dumb and dumber. Thank you. Thank you, brother. There's something about Mary. Employee of the month. Thank you. Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way? I get a little excited.
I feel like I should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is... How we feeling tonight? Good, buddy. I brought a little thingamajig if I could... What happened? Well, nothing happened to me, gang. Comedy gang. But, you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer. And every now and then we get comics.
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Chapter 2: What happens during the introduction of Harlan Williams?
He goes, let me show you how it's done. And then he picked this Mexican woman up and he put her up against the wall of the trailer house. Well, they wound up falling through the wall into her tia's room. And she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops. So we drove back home in my mom's Jeep. I wrecked it halfway there. And then cops got him later.
All right, this is enough. Jesus fucking Christ. This is the longest sex story ever. I mean, if you're going to make shit up, at least pepper it up with some punchlines laser. This is criminal. I'm just talking about my life. All right. Yeah. Okay.
Well, all right. What are you on tonight? I'm not on anything. I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple margaritas, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Adderall. All right.
There it is.
I'm not going to lie to you.
There's been a lot of Adderall today. It's Monday, you know. Who hates Mondays? Got to celebrate. Dude, I would love it. I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah. Yeah. You'd eat it, you'd eat it. I love it, dude. Uncle Lazer, we're going to get you out of here. We're going to get to the bucket. Way to get it started. Uncle Lazer.
Uncle Lazer might be... He might need two of these. Oh, my God. There she is, ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Wow. Thank you. Unbelievable. Wow, there's a desperate horny man in the middle of the room yelling things at Heidi. Okay, to the bucket we go. This is where we meet people. Chaos happens. And we find out more about them. Make some noise.
60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool. Goes by the name of Zeth Burton, everyone. Zeth Burton.
All right, how are we doing, everybody? Yeah? You know, I'm pretty tall. I come up here, I'm 6'5", you know, 200 pounds. You see any ladies out there. But anyway, so I hit about 6'5", 200 pounds. I was 12 years old. And, you know, no one really tells you, like, that's... You deal with a lot of stuff.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of the silver crotch award?
Let's talk it out here for a second. You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story. Yeah. Strangely enough, we have heard of two 12... 100% of the comedians tonight have talked about their sex life at the age of 12. Yeah. And in particular, getting molested, which is like... Yeah. Where did the molestation happen, my guy?
I mean, you know, like, dogs and stuff, you know?
A dog molested you?
Yeah, man. I stole a shoe from a dog. It mounted me, man, and it just, like, just totally, like, kept it tight so it penetrated me, man.
Well, you're right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.
I mean, hey, like, I saw, like, there was another girl, like, who she was, like, I was gonna save her shoe, you know? Like, we were 12 years old. I was like, oh, this is it. And she, I couldn't, you know, there's no riz to get, like, if she watches me.
Jesus, Seth, shut the fuck up. Holy shit. All right, let's talk about it. Put the crutch down for a second. Oh, my God. Yeah, this guy, whole fucking wheelchair. Forget about the crutch. Oh, Lord. Okay, so, Seth... How long have you been doing stand-up? Let's see, close to two years now. Two years. Where at? Mostly now in Los Angeles, but I started here in Dallas.
You started here in Dallas, and now you live in Los Angeles.
Yeah. What brought you here? Well, it's my mom's birthday this week, so I came for that. And I was like, you know what, let's drive three hours to, you know, let's do this, right?
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Chapter 4: How does the audience react to the guest's performance?
What are you into? You can't possibly want to be a tour guide for your entire life. So what are your main goals here?
Well, my main goal is to be a comedian, believe it or not. But, you know, I used to be really fat, like I said, so I also want to own my own gym someday. And outside of that, I ain't got no ambitions.
You have a chance at owning your own gym someday. I would pull all efforts into that. How fat were you, my guy?
I was like 300 pounds.
300? Yeah. 300. Wow. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest? Did you have a gut? Talk to me.
Describe it.
Not for me. For that guy there. Yeah.
Probably like the whole belt right here. Like, it had those stretch marks over my stomach. Like, I still got... I still got, like, the stretchy skin right here.
I got my whole arms are all stretchy. Can we see it? I love stretchy skin. Yeah, let's see that fucking... Oh, shit, I do see... Oh! Oh, my God. Fucking absolutely. Can we see the belly meat? I love stretchy belly meat. Come on, let's do it. It's not as stretchy, man. It's not as... That's not bad. It's not, yeah.
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Chapter 5: What happens when you go to a friend's party?
I'm going to go to my truck, and I said, I'm going to go party with these friends you just made.
You went to go party with his friends?
I thought he was going to follow with, but, you know, I was wrong. It's cool.
Wow. Yeah.
Chapter 6: How does guilt play a role in personal experiences?
Unbelievable. Do you live with a bit of guilt from that, you think?
No, I did.
You did. Yeah. But you're over it now. How long ago did this happen?
It'll be a year on the second of July.
Wow. You got over it real quick. Okay. Very cool. I like it. Do you have a boyfriend now?
Nope.
You're completely single.
I'm just trying to do comedy. I moved out here just for this.
You moved here from Georgia just for this. How long ago did you move here?
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Chapter 7: What challenges does a vet tech face after moving?
I just moved two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago. Awesome. Yeah. I think you're missing the biggest question. Go right ahead. I love it. If you don't mind. No, I want to hear it. It happens. I think everyone's wondering. Let's do it. Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom? It looks like it's covered in cum.
100%. I like to have fun, you know, whatever.
You like to have fun?
Okay.
I love it. I was just asking. Back to you, guy. Thank you. What do you do for work, Liv?
I'm a vet tech.
You're a vet tech.
I'm a licensed vet tech.
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Chapter 8: How does a comedic approach relate to personal loss?
Ooh, dead mom money. $22,000.
Not even close. My mom did not expect to die. Probably like just under $10,000.
Oh, okay. So you have a little time. How much is your rent?
A good bit.
A ballpark.
Like $1,800. $1,800.
Do you live by yourself?
I do.
Okay. So you have about six or seven months left. To get a job.
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