Ocean Vuong

But here I am, the second generation or the 1.5 or whatever, telling my elders, please put your head down. Please just go to work. Don't get a speeding ticket until further notice. But the suspicion has always been there, you know, of government, of power. And I think this is true with a lot of Vietnamese refugees and refugees in general. In a lot of ways, it hurt us.

Because the suspicion also applied to doctors. My grandmother never wanted to see a doctor until it was too late and it was stage four. My mother was afraid of doctors, missed her mammogram appointment by six months. And I said, why did you, she said, oh, I just, I get nervous going in there, even when I go with her. So that applies, that kind of trust in authority.

Because the suspicion also applied to doctors. My grandmother never wanted to see a doctor until it was too late and it was stage four. My mother was afraid of doctors, missed her mammogram appointment by six months. And I said, why did you, she said, oh, I just, I get nervous going in there, even when I go with her. So that applies, that kind of trust in authority.

It's a fraught thing and it's hard to choose how you respond to your trauma.

It's a fraught thing and it's hard to choose how you respond to your trauma.

Yes, yes. I think I was in a world where anger, rage, and violence was a way to control the environment. And it was a way to control an environment for people who had no control of their lives. A lot of them were hurt and wounded. Another memory I had was, I think about this often, it's just seeing a kid get jumped for the first time. I was maybe 12, 13. And it was a kid called D-Nice.

Yes, yes. I think I was in a world where anger, rage, and violence was a way to control the environment. And it was a way to control an environment for people who had no control of their lives. A lot of them were hurt and wounded. Another memory I had was, I think about this often, it's just seeing a kid get jumped for the first time. I was maybe 12, 13. And it was a kid called D-Nice.

And I remember a group of 15, 20 kids. It was just so many of all ages. And they went up behind him. pulled his shirt over his head, and then they just went in. Just a flurry of fists. But I think because so much of that was close to me, I always had to look at it. And it behooved me to understand it in order to survive. So when I see cruelty, I look closer and I say, where is this coming from?

And I remember a group of 15, 20 kids. It was just so many of all ages. And they went up behind him. pulled his shirt over his head, and then they just went in. Just a flurry of fists. But I think because so much of that was close to me, I always had to look at it. And it behooved me to understand it in order to survive. So when I see cruelty, I look closer and I say, where is this coming from?

And a lot of times it comes from fear and vulnerability. You know, you're too scared and you have to strike first.

And a lot of times it comes from fear and vulnerability. You know, you're too scared and you have to strike first.

Yeah, and so in a way, I have great compassion for that because the doorway through violence has always been suffering. I've never seen anyone commit violence and feel joy after. And it's interesting, you see the doorway in front of you and it feels so immense. It feels like the only path.

Yeah, and so in a way, I have great compassion for that because the doorway through violence has always been suffering. I've never seen anyone commit violence and feel joy after. And it's interesting, you see the doorway in front of you and it feels so immense. It feels like the only path.

But when you step back, if I can borrow a metaphor here, it's almost like the doorway is in the middle of a field. And you're like, oh my goodness, I can step back and I can just take one step to the side and go around and the whole world is before me. And there was a threshold in front of me that I could always pass through after that day with Big Joe.

But when you step back, if I can borrow a metaphor here, it's almost like the doorway is in the middle of a field. And you're like, oh my goodness, I can step back and I can just take one step to the side and go around and the whole world is before me. And there was a threshold in front of me that I could always pass through after that day with Big Joe.

And in a way, my career so far has been a slow attempt at stepping back and stepping aside from that door.

And in a way, my career so far has been a slow attempt at stepping back and stepping aside from that door.

I didn't get it back to get my bonus. But I didn't make it to work. I still think about the feeling of that. And I just think, why did I rage out that day? And I think it was just that all that hope was robbed from me. I think that was what it was. I felt entitled to that bonus. And when someone else took that out of me, I think I lost sense of control.

I didn't get it back to get my bonus. But I didn't make it to work. I still think about the feeling of that. And I just think, why did I rage out that day? And I think it was just that all that hope was robbed from me. I think that was what it was. I felt entitled to that bonus. And when someone else took that out of me, I think I lost sense of control.

And I think about that, like, you have these epiphanies when you're kind of in a helpless state.