Old Spice Guy

When I think about Old Spice, when I think about football in general, about the trench warfare that goes on between offensive linemen, defensive linemen, coming in after practice, hot, sticky, upset. You know, you're showering, and even after showers, you've sort of got that, like, I'm still sweating feeling. That's why you need something like a game changer, right?

Old Spice has reinvented the game again. You know, when you think about the deodorant game, you think about how you just apply deodorant. No, no, no. This is a sweat-absorbing, total body dry-filled deodorant here. What are you talking about? You can use it anywhere. 24-7 total body freshness. I mean, pits, sure. Chest, yeah. You know, lower back, most likely for a big guy.

I mean, I'm not going to say that I just keep one on me, but I keep one on me. Madder and sandalwood. It is what it is. It gives you a nice little freshness. You know, I've been walking. Somebody was like, oh, you smell nice. I was like, don't worry, sweetheart. It's just mandarin sandalwood.

No, check it out.

It's going to give you like, oh. It's almost mojito-esque.

It's nice. I mean, when you think about total body freshness, you think about what you want to do coming off of a great game. You want to smell nice as well, and that's going to give it to you.

Apply anywhere. See as you see fit.

It's not a massive box. This is my guy I'm walking around with.

Come on. It's the wise Old Spice guy. Right. Can Old Spice total body deodorant may or may not make my dad jokes hit a little bit better? And there we have him.

Why ask this, guys?

Who do we have winning this game?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I've always wanted to be like, and I'm on a horse. Gosh darn it.

Have you met him before? Absolutely not. Who has met a myth? You don't meet myths?

Yeah, you didn't ride a horse in it, and I'm sort of like, that's why they say never meet your heroes.

You know, it's mini you in a box. You know, when we say Old Spice Guy, now I sort of want to throw this one away because we have the Old Spice Guy.

That's a foul proposition, which we both know the answer is clearly yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you think about the bourbon cherry scents that also have the new scented flavors, come on, you're going to have to think that we're always going to stay fresh. You have to stay fresh, you never have to get fresh.

He is. No, no, no.

I've always wanted to be. The Old Spice guy.

Nobody knows your first name. That's true.

Swan dive. Into total body freshness.

I mean, I also wanted to be Green Lantern, and they just gave that away to a British guy. John Stewart is an American military man, and we gave it away to a British guy. Undoubtedly, he has green eyes, so kudos to him.

I just feel like, yeah, when you think about New Orleans, you think about good times, and you think about hand grenades and the hurricane drinks, right? And of course, King Cake. When I think about Total Body Spice, do I think about Swagger, MVP? Do I think about Cherry Bourbon or Manners Heavenwood? I think about the Old Spice guy.

Nobody wants to be A when you can be V. Yeah.

The answer's no.

It's like he saw the inner depths of my soul. I didn't apply enough deodorant to cover me, and that's on me. He felt your vibe.

Come on. The first thing you have to do, other than marvel at my city, is go find yourself a great king cake. You know, Mardi Gras season is upon us.

So, of course, it's, you know, finding a great place you can get crawfish at. That's fine. For me, I'm a desserts guy. So, king cake is right up there. Ooey gooey cake, elite. Go get you a praline.

You know, if you like confectioner's sweet, I'm not going to say you're at the age where you probably enjoy candy corn.

So yeah, if you're a candy corn guy, you're going to love it probably.

So those are my top three sweets you got to go get you some.

It's like, you know how, like, the emotion, the EQ of kids is so much higher of a threshold than it is when we were growing up, when I was growing up, when you guys were growing up? Yeah. It's just like the sweets. You know, there is an age limit. Like, some guys will never know. Kids born after 2000 are never going to know about Charleston Chews, Boston Baked Beans, and the likes of candy corn.

I grew up watching my parents eat those types of things, and I was like, baked beans. Nobody wants Boston baked beans as a candy.

Like, just go get you a sugar packet, my guy.

For ad-libs, just like that.

I can't even... Hello, lady.

When I grew up and I looked at myself in the mirror, I was like, I'm going to have the most incredible voice ever. I'm 6'4", 275 pounds, as a 17-year-old and as a senior in high school. And I was like, hell yeah, the voice is coming. And then, like... Just think about when it dropped. Boys dropped, so this is where it dropped to. We were up here for a while. Sounded like Mickey Mouse.

And I was like, this is not, this is not.

Again, God gives all the soldiers, you know, every gift.

Yeah, we didn't catch a Calais Campbell. We didn't catch the old Spice Man.

Like, I can't even get that low. He's like, how you doing?

Gosh darn it.

I don't know about that one. The pecs are percolating, you know?

I might take him.

I've got four. His house seems a little bit cleaner.

Two is easy. It's three when they get like a conscientious no. Two, they're just like, no, no, no. Three is like, no, because I said so. If this was 1990s when I was growing up, I would have been cocked back on you. 2000, what do we say? Hey, you don't say that.

Breathe. We do breathing exercises in the 2020s.

We punish them with candy corn. You should. That's what you have to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll say, I reward them. I'm like, and who wants to smell like Mandarin Sandalwood? Any takers? Knowing good and well, you know, my 9-year-old is like, yeah, I love smelling clean. You know, he gets dirty, and at the same time, he's like, Dad, what are we wearing? I'm like, wow. What are we wearing? Choose one, Bo. Is it MVP, is it swagger, or is it now cherry bourbon?

Just in case you need it or just like you'll never need it. All heroes need a cape.

Come on.

Win or lose. He said, but of course my fresh friend. He's on the outs.

I now know what it feels like to have a head coach get fired. Win, lose, or draw.

Wow.

Through nothing but time. Because as the sage of an Old Spice guy I'm carrying, you have to respect the OGs of the game. So if he ever decided to unfortunately just live out his age, I'd be like, and now my son can take over. We'll both be long gone. I think he's calling you old.

I am. And now you're speaking my realm. You know, I drop it in the kitchen.

Yes, there's a team. There's two teams playing on Sunday. Yes, it's going to be a high scoring game. The Old Spice guy told me so. Right. No, you don't have to be nervous about it, because again, if you have a question, you can always apply the total body deodorant that is Old Spice, as well as ask my guy if you have a real question.

I was like, right is always right.

I appreciate you.

I appreciate that. And I love you.

We're going to be very intrepid about the usage of love.

I deeply enjoy your company.

I have a deep affection for everyone. But will retain my love for the ones that I truly love. Damn it.