Peter Bregman

But it's not being framed that way at all because you're coming off as sort of a critic of their behavior as opposed to an ally working with them.

Sure. And you know what I'll do? I'll give you an example that fits your category of something where I want someone to change, but they don't necessarily want to change. And I'll up the ante and I'll make it my daughter who's 19, right? So now I want to change one of my kids.

Sure. And you know what I'll do? I'll give you an example that fits your category of something where I want someone to change, but they don't necessarily want to change. And I'll up the ante and I'll make it my daughter who's 19, right? So now I want to change one of my kids.

Sure. And you know what I'll do? I'll give you an example that fits your category of something where I want someone to change, but they don't necessarily want to change. And I'll up the ante and I'll make it my daughter who's 19, right? So now I want to change one of my kids.

One day I went downstairs in the morning and I found her eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast and she looked up at me with this guilty expression and she said, yeah, this is the last one. I stayed up till four o'clock in the morning and baked a plate, baked a sheet of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all.

One day I went downstairs in the morning and I found her eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast and she looked up at me with this guilty expression and she said, yeah, this is the last one. I stayed up till four o'clock in the morning and baked a plate, baked a sheet of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all.

One day I went downstairs in the morning and I found her eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast and she looked up at me with this guilty expression and she said, yeah, this is the last one. I stayed up till four o'clock in the morning and baked a plate, baked a sheet of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all.

And, you know, my instinct is to immediately criticize, like to be like, what are you thinking? Like, you don't want, you know, you told me you want to lose a little bit of weight and you're, this is how you're doing it. And like, seriously, chocolate chip cookies, is this what I've taught you? Chocolate chip cookies in the morning for breakfast?

And, you know, my instinct is to immediately criticize, like to be like, what are you thinking? Like, you don't want, you know, you told me you want to lose a little bit of weight and you're, this is how you're doing it. And like, seriously, chocolate chip cookies, is this what I've taught you? Chocolate chip cookies in the morning for breakfast?

And, you know, my instinct is to immediately criticize, like to be like, what are you thinking? Like, you don't want, you know, you told me you want to lose a little bit of weight and you're, this is how you're doing it. And like, seriously, chocolate chip cookies, is this what I've taught you? Chocolate chip cookies in the morning for breakfast?

But I immediately shortcut that process because I knew that that would instigate a resistance, denial. When we criticize someone, we come at them, or even when we give feedback to someone, we're eliciting their shame. We're telling them there's something you're doing that I'm pointing out that's bad. And people will do almost anything to avoid shame. So what do we do?

But I immediately shortcut that process because I knew that that would instigate a resistance, denial. When we criticize someone, we come at them, or even when we give feedback to someone, we're eliciting their shame. We're telling them there's something you're doing that I'm pointing out that's bad. And people will do almost anything to avoid shame. So what do we do?

But I immediately shortcut that process because I knew that that would instigate a resistance, denial. When we criticize someone, we come at them, or even when we give feedback to someone, we're eliciting their shame. We're telling them there's something you're doing that I'm pointing out that's bad. And people will do almost anything to avoid shame. So what do we do?

We go into either denial or defensiveness because those are the easiest ways to avoid, which is to say, I'm not doing it or I don't even know what you're talking about. And then that's a non-starter conversation because now we're in a conflict. I don't want to be in a conflict. I'm her ally, right?

We go into either denial or defensiveness because those are the easiest ways to avoid, which is to say, I'm not doing it or I don't even know what you're talking about. And then that's a non-starter conversation because now we're in a conflict. I don't want to be in a conflict. I'm her ally, right?

We go into either denial or defensiveness because those are the easiest ways to avoid, which is to say, I'm not doing it or I don't even know what you're talking about. And then that's a non-starter conversation because now we're in a conflict. I don't want to be in a conflict. I'm her ally, right?

And so what I said instead, I followed the first step in the four-step process is to shift from critic to ally. And we have a formula for doing that, which is three steps, which is empathize, which is express confidence and ask permission because it always has to be up to them. So I said, hey, I totally get it. You eating a plate full of cookies at 4 a.m.

And so what I said instead, I followed the first step in the four-step process is to shift from critic to ally. And we have a formula for doing that, which is three steps, which is empathize, which is express confidence and ask permission because it always has to be up to them. So I said, hey, I totally get it. You eating a plate full of cookies at 4 a.m.

And so what I said instead, I followed the first step in the four-step process is to shift from critic to ally. And we have a formula for doing that, which is three steps, which is empathize, which is express confidence and ask permission because it always has to be up to them. So I said, hey, I totally get it. You eating a plate full of cookies at 4 a.m.

when you're exhausted and especially your cookies are awesome. Like there's no way I wouldn't have eaten, but I would have just joined you. I'm glad I wasn't up at four o'clock in the morning. So I totally get it. And I also can see the guilt in your face and how frustrating that must feel.