Professor Steve Peters

And I found that very powerful in my life.

And I found that very powerful in my life.

Is that because sometimes the suffering has to... Yeah, I mean, it's sort of self-evident. If you're, for example, in a bad relationship and it's really not doing you any favours and it's not doing them any favours, but it's not bad enough, then you struggle along and struggle along. But if suddenly something happens where it becomes untenable and it's painful now, then you move.

Is that because sometimes the suffering has to... Yeah, I mean, it's sort of self-evident. If you're, for example, in a bad relationship and it's really not doing you any favours and it's not doing them any favours, but it's not bad enough, then you struggle along and struggle along. But if suddenly something happens where it becomes untenable and it's painful now, then you move.

You think, stop the relationship. And then you look back thinking, why didn't I move earlier? And the answer was because it wasn't painful enough. And the same with like untidiness. You leave it and leave it and leave it. And then somebody comes in and says... A partner. Yeah. Blimey. I can't live with this. And suddenly you think, wow, suddenly it's painful.

You think, stop the relationship. And then you look back thinking, why didn't I move earlier? And the answer was because it wasn't painful enough. And the same with like untidiness. You leave it and leave it and leave it. And then somebody comes in and says... A partner. Yeah. Blimey. I can't live with this. And suddenly you think, wow, suddenly it's painful.

Is there a way to get there without the person needing to point it out?

Is there a way to get there without the person needing to point it out?

yeah there is i mean when i talk about relationships are critical to us and i say to people the way we move is we've got to i have the triangle of change which is really the three key things that cause us to move and with the one you've highlighted is either it's got a massive reward or there's going to be massive pain and suffering so if you're trying to you want it you're courting someone you want to form a permanent relationship when they say i can't stand untidiness you'll guarantee your flat's perfect when they come in

yeah there is i mean when i talk about relationships are critical to us and i say to people the way we move is we've got to i have the triangle of change which is really the three key things that cause us to move and with the one you've highlighted is either it's got a massive reward or there's going to be massive pain and suffering so if you're trying to you want it you're courting someone you want to form a permanent relationship when they say i can't stand untidiness you'll guarantee your flat's perfect when they come in

Right? Because you're thinking, if I don't, I'm going to lose this person. So the reward is so big. However, then they marry you, and for some reason we take them for granted, and we forget that bit now. And then the flat becomes untidy, and then she starts saying to you, you know, I'm struggling with this, I'm struggling, but there's no threat yet. So now it's not painful enough.

Right? Because you're thinking, if I don't, I'm going to lose this person. So the reward is so big. However, then they marry you, and for some reason we take them for granted, and we forget that bit now. And then the flat becomes untidy, and then she starts saying to you, you know, I'm struggling with this, I'm struggling, but there's no threat yet. So now it's not painful enough.

So she's struggling with it. I love the guy, but this is now what I do. So I say, let's increase the pain. I want you to sit down and imagine... she can't cope and she's had a bad day and someone at work says, oh, come over and chat. And this young man has a tidy flat, naturally. And she goes, oh, wow. And I warn people, how are you going to feel if she walks?

So she's struggling with it. I love the guy, but this is now what I do. So I say, let's increase the pain. I want you to sit down and imagine... she can't cope and she's had a bad day and someone at work says, oh, come over and chat. And this young man has a tidy flat, naturally. And she goes, oh, wow. And I warn people, how are you going to feel if she walks?

Because once they've gone, they very rarely come back. And if you don't look after them, someone else will. If you reflect on that, that can suddenly make reality come to life to say, I'm not there yet, but blimey, this would be painful. So I'm suddenly going to stop and think, let me look after them. Because if I don't, somebody will.

Because once they've gone, they very rarely come back. And if you don't look after them, someone else will. If you reflect on that, that can suddenly make reality come to life to say, I'm not there yet, but blimey, this would be painful. So I'm suddenly going to stop and think, let me look after them. Because if I don't, somebody will.

So you can increase the concept of suffering by reflecting and thinking, what would life be like if she left? There's like the devil's in the detail. Let's say that you go home and you really make an effort. You tidy the house and you really clean it up. And she comes home and she doesn't notice. There's a danger now.

So you can increase the concept of suffering by reflecting and thinking, what would life be like if she left? There's like the devil's in the detail. Let's say that you go home and you really make an effort. You tidy the house and you really clean it up. And she comes home and she doesn't notice. There's a danger now.

And I do advocate that sometimes you say to them, because your chimp needs to get that accolade. So it's no good not helping it. You don't need that, but your chimp does. So it's worth saying, can I just say, because I love you, I've tidied the flat. Because then your chimp goes, right, good, I get the accolade now. So I'm not saying you should knock the chimp out.

And I do advocate that sometimes you say to them, because your chimp needs to get that accolade. So it's no good not helping it. You don't need that, but your chimp does. So it's worth saying, can I just say, because I love you, I've tidied the flat. Because then your chimp goes, right, good, I get the accolade now. So I'm not saying you should knock the chimp out.