Randy Graff
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
There's no need to shout, okay? Don't keep shouting at me. As a gun-owning former Marine, John Laredo is hardly qualified to evaluate gun laws, unlike Randy Graff, whose views are informed by his experience as a golf pro.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
If the Arizona legislature passes this bill, I'm sorry, can we go back for a second here? Did he just compare the constitution to a book of golf rules? Oh man, I love this guy. The majority of the people that we've heard from are very opposed to this legislation. So aren't you just kowtowing to the majority of Arizonians?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I think any reasonable, rational person... You're kowtowing to me, aren't you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
What are you going to do if a bear walks into a bar and you're unarmed? you're gonna get eaten by that bear. So how will this law affect those on the front lines? I spoke with Ernie Ross, who owns the Steel Horse Saloon, a local drinking establishment for motorcycle enthusiasts.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Arizona State Legislator Randy Graff values our Second Amendment right to bear arms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
If, yeah, if you're a pussy. If you're a pussy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I would say if you hit me over the face with a beer bottle, then you're being a pussy. To prove to the pussies that guns and liquor do mix, I conducted a... I conducted a scientific experiment. I'll be right back. I did find that a small amount of alcohol made me somewhat more aggressive. But with the appropriate dosage, my behavior changed completely. You. Shut up. Oh man, come here, come here.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I headed back to the Steel Horse Saloon and had the time of my life. That is until I reminded them that they're all a bunch of pussies. If only I'd brought my gun.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
John, the vice president is going to be just fine. What... What happened, Ed? Well, as you know, the vice president only speaks at conservative-friendly audiences. The American Enterprise Institute, Opus Dei, the Whitington Oil and Jesus Society. This time he spoke at the Heritage Foundation.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
We're not quite sure how it happened, but he was somehow exposed to a small amount of dissent and suffered a mild reaction. dissent. Yes, John, the vice president is extremely allergic to dissent. That's why he only speaks to friendly crowds. It's not that he doesn't want to hear the other side. It's that people who disagree with him actually disagree with him.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
You remember his near death experience after Katrina got as I was talking to the mayor. In those areas, one of the things you gotta figure out what to do with all of the breed. That one made his head swell up like a medicine ball. John, they actually had to stick Cheney in the neck with an epinephrine pen. But this time it wasn't so bad. That's right, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
They think he was only exposed to a trace amount. Apparently, one of the busboys at the luncheon voted for Nader in 2004. Where's the vice president right now, Ed? At the moment, he's back resting comfortably in his sensory inundation chamber.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Yes, John. An ergonomically designed, fully catheterized, velvet-lined sarcophagus that nurtures the vice president on a constant stream of ideology-reinforcing audio and video. He's removed very infrequently for speeches and the occasional wipe-down. They coat him with talc first, but he still builds up one heck of a stink.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
I'll show you, John. This is what Cheney sees while he's resting inside.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
You heard him right. For some insane reason, bars in Arizona are currently gun-free. Is there anything more terrifying than a room full of people without guns?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Last year, Massachusetts became the first state to allow gay marriage, and critics feared the worst. If gay marriage is legalized, madam, then you're going to have to legalize polygamy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
A breakdown of the family, children being born out of wedlock, and communities and cultures in decay. Now, just one year later, Massachusetts pro-family activist Brian Kamenker believes those fears have become reality.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
So the quality of life has decreased.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Yeah. Why take time to do the research when saying it is so much faster? Besides, the statistics are clear-cut. Now that gay marriage is legal, Massachusetts ranks dead last in illiteracy, 48th in per capita poverty, and a pathetic 49th in total divorces. Somehow, Don and Robert, one of the state's first married gay couples, don't see the problem.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Name one thing in Massachusetts that's not ruined.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Easy for them to say. How does legalized gay marriage affect your relationship with your wife?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Is it hard to stay interested in your wife with temptation out there? I mean, come on. What are some other gay activities you haven't indulged in?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
The damage isn't limited to straight marriages. Has legalized same-sex marriages led to more homosexuals?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Of course, the Broadway has always had its share of homosexuals. But in a broader sense, just how gay has Massachusetts become? To find out, I'll be using this gay detection device. It's kind of a radar for gayness, or gay radar. It's called a homometer. I calibrated the meter and began my investigation. Ugly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Graff's bill to allow guns in bars has already passed the House. But even common sense ideas have their opponents, like Democratic Representative John Laredo.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
This thing's up. What does the insidious infiltration of gayness mean for the state?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
That comparison's a bit extreme, don't you think? I mean, what did the Nazis do that was so bad? Perhaps no comparison captures the perversity of what marriage means to gays.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms
Drinking and driving is illegal because cars can crash and kill people. A gun is hardly a car.