Rivkah Reyes

I loved cocaine.

coke I thought it was great the first time I did that it was right before an improv show I used to do improv improv is my biggest fear ever so I feel like I also would need to be on a substance to do that that night I remember like the director being like Rivka like that was your best work yet oh

And I had it happen too with a different combination of things.

Like I was in this musical, American Idiot, the Green Day musical.

Love.

There was a show before which I drank a couple shitty PBRs and smoked...

half a spliff and did a couple bumps and that was like our invited dress rehearsal and the director was like Rivka whatever you did do that every night and so I was just like yes I will to use and drink that way to like replicate a feeling is like that's how it becomes addiction you know it's a cycle also it's like rooted in this this thing of

drinking at stuff and using at stuff.

I used to feel like I was a deeply untalented hack, and so I would do cocaine to feel better.

I used to have crippling fear and anxiety, so I used to smoke weed to just not feel it.

I used to lie and say that I was really interested in the science behind beer, so I got a job at a brewery so I could drink all day for fucking free.

And I have the combo of, with alcohol specifically, the reaction that I have to it, which is insane behavior.

And I also have a well-oiled forgetter that forgets that I have a mental illness.

that is only triggered by alcohol that's that's what alcohol is it's like a mental blank spot paired with a physical allergy whoa can you go a little bit deeper into that i've never heard that sure for example i would do this thing where i would black out and then uh the next day i would post on facebook i'm never drinking again the next night i'd be blacked out again i'd be like what how

How did this happen?

The mental blank spot is that space in between, like, I'm never drinking again and the next blackout.

It's, like, kind of that just thing of, like, and you wake up and you're in somebody's car.

Like, and you're just like, how did I get from swearing off forever for the umpteenth time to now?

blacked out again.

By the way, I'm okay.