Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

A surreal report that could turn immigration into a TV show. The Trump administration says it's in the very beginning stages of the vetting process for a reported immigrant reality TV show where immigrants would compete to prove they are the most American with a chance to win U.S. citizenship.

A surreal report that could turn immigration into a TV show. The Trump administration says it's in the very beginning stages of the vetting process for a reported immigrant reality TV show where immigrants would compete to prove they are the most American with a chance to win U.S. citizenship.

A reality TV show for citizenship is somehow the most un-American and most American thing I've ever heard. Although we already have a contest to prove who's the most American, and it's called the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. What's more American than eating until your colon explodes and then going bankrupt from medical bills? But let me be clear, I hate this idea.

A reality TV show for citizenship is somehow the most un-American and most American thing I've ever heard. Although we already have a contest to prove who's the most American, and it's called the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. What's more American than eating until your colon explodes and then going bankrupt from medical bills? But let me be clear, I hate this idea.

Unless they're looking for a host, then I love this idea. And I'm available on Fridays. I... I will say, it might be a nicer way to get deported. Instead of ICE agents disappearing you up in unmarked vehicles, Ryan Seacrest walks into your living room with a TV crew and is like, Carlos, we're taking you out of the USA.

Unless they're looking for a host, then I love this idea. And I'm available on Fridays. I... I will say, it might be a nicer way to get deported. Instead of ICE agents disappearing you up in unmarked vehicles, Ryan Seacrest walks into your living room with a TV crew and is like, Carlos, we're taking you out of the USA.

But meanwhile, Kristi Noem was testifying in Congress today about whether her administration is deporting people without habeas corpus, which is their right to due process. If you didn't know what habeas corpus was, don't worry, Kristi Noem didn't Google it either.

But meanwhile, Kristi Noem was testifying in Congress today about whether her administration is deporting people without habeas corpus, which is their right to due process. If you didn't know what habeas corpus was, don't worry, Kristi Noem didn't Google it either.

Okay, look, if Kristi Noem was just a random person on the street, I'd get it if she was like, Hapius Corpus? That's a Harry Potter spell, right? Makes you invisible? But the Secretary of Homeland Security should know that Hapius Corpus prevents the president from deporting you without due process. Not that it lets the president deport you without due process. That's the opposite.

Okay, look, if Kristi Noem was just a random person on the street, I'd get it if she was like, Hapius Corpus? That's a Harry Potter spell, right? Makes you invisible? But the Secretary of Homeland Security should know that Hapius Corpus prevents the president from deporting you without due process. Not that it lets the president deport you without due process. That's the opposite.

of what it means, and I didn't know you could have dyslexia for laws. Either way, Noam whiffed hard on that question, but unfortunately for her, the quiz was just beginning.

of what it means, and I didn't know you could have dyslexia for laws. Either way, Noam whiffed hard on that question, but unfortunately for her, the quiz was just beginning.

It was in one. It was the first... You didn't even read the first one. So can you stop? We get it, okay? Stop asking her harder questions. Like, how would senators like it if Kristi Noem asked you questions that she was an expert in, huh? Hey, Senator Kim, do you know how to trick a puppy into walking into an open grave? No? Not so smart now, are you?

It was in one. It was the first... You didn't even read the first one. So can you stop? We get it, okay? Stop asking her harder questions. Like, how would senators like it if Kristi Noem asked you questions that she was an expert in, huh? Hey, Senator Kim, do you know how to trick a puppy into walking into an open grave? No? Not so smart now, are you?

Anyway, Kristi Noem, you still don't know the basics of American law, so I'm sorry to say... we're gonna have to take you out of USA. But luckily... I know. Won them back after the dog killing jokes. But luckily for America, Christine Noem isn't the only one in charge of keeping the country safe.

Anyway, Kristi Noem, you still don't know the basics of American law, so I'm sorry to say... we're gonna have to take you out of USA. But luckily... I know. Won them back after the dog killing jokes. But luckily for America, Christine Noem isn't the only one in charge of keeping the country safe.

We also got Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, two guys who look like they should be henchmen in a Ninja Turtles movie, but are somehow running the FBI now. And before he took over, Dan Bongino wasn't afraid to tell us the truth about what the FBI was covering up.

We also got Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, two guys who look like they should be henchmen in a Ninja Turtles movie, but are somehow running the FBI now. And before he took over, Dan Bongino wasn't afraid to tell us the truth about what the FBI was covering up.

Yeah, exactly. Epstein killed himself? Bongino knows the truth, and now he and Kash Patel get to see all the files. So on Sunday, they sat down for an interview to tell us what really happened. Because we know Epstein didn't just kill himself. He killed himself. What? He killed himself without air quotes? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard, all right? I was a single-issue voter on this.

Yeah, exactly. Epstein killed himself? Bongino knows the truth, and now he and Kash Patel get to see all the files. So on Sunday, they sat down for an interview to tell us what really happened. Because we know Epstein didn't just kill himself. He killed himself. What? He killed himself without air quotes? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard, all right? I was a single-issue voter on this.