Ronny Chieng

But we'll never have to apologize for Barclay stealing the rock four times against Brazil.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

Walking on the moon now just reminds us of the conspiracy theories destroying the fabric of our nation.

But how about this fabric?

The big head t-shirt of the dream team.

Man, that shirt was cool.

I had six of them.

The end of the Cold War collapsed our political consensus, but the Dream Team collapsed everyone's defense.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this backboard.

The Dream Team has no dark past to revisit, no statues to tear down, just absolute dominance by the greatest basketball players of all time.

And Christian Laettner.

Were they perfect?

Was their top competition Valderamas Komicis of Lithuania?

Did some of them have a gambling problem?

Did Michael Jordan's son end up dating Scottie Pippen's ex-wife?

Which sounds even weirder when you realize she must have known him as a baby?

Well, shut the f*** up, okay?

Don't take this from us, too.

Just enjoy this American exceptionalism.

So happy birthday, America.