Rusty Irani
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
And if I can make a few Americans cripple and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. I'm starting a startup called Includetrip.com. It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. That's interesting. That's a very cool idea.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I'll take your word for it when you're around here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you. You made my day, my year, my decade since 1993 when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
The first godfather. By Preparation Edge, Raymond. Oh, my God.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I am born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the U.S. since I was 13 to find a cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called psoriasis. Spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Well, I hope we... And you guys are awesome too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys. Like, you know, like you made it worth like pushing through the pandemic. Oh, thank you. You made it worth my while. And like, you know... Yeah. I mean, I just put in this, like, you know, everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Wow. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Long days, pleasant night, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care. Have a lovely, lovely, lovely day. All right, guys. Take care. Bye-bye.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because I don't fall under the compassionate user program. So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that helps my nerves to create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophy bit. And yeah, I was a kid.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
So I could walk as a child. And then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine. Go figure. So yeah, met with a bike accident. And I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years. And I've driven different wheelchairs since then. And I went to school here in Mumbai. And then I went and studied English from a college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my first degree in English.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
And then I had this bug up my ass because I loved films. And during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid, my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books. And because I could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as I'm speaking with you guys here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I used to only speak with the head nod and like speaking like this guy, like all every typical Indian, how we usually tend to talk. And so my mom opened, like, the whole world of books to me and, like, cinema. And cinema, that is not meant for, like, a nine-year-old. Like, you know, I was exposed to, like, all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I'll be honest with you, Rusty. You know what? I'm very impressed, though, because... And I thought, like, all Americans spoke like Arnie. Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on reality television with an inspiration porn story. I don't even have those kind of stories. All my life, it's all about these wackadoo incidents that have been happening with me. It's like one crazy adventure after another.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I can't see myself sitting at home and moping about this shit, but I'd rather joke about it and crack a smile and go on with life because... It's hilarious to me. Like, you know, I don't know how some disabled folk can, like, you know, just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life. And yeah, self-entitled pricks, but like, you know, me, I'm like different.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
So I like, you know, like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh. Like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes. So, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a... Like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode. So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in Thailand. So the moment I step out of my home, either... And I'm a big guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I'm like almost like, you know, 56 inches across and I'm like six foot two. So I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride. The... The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Like, you know, when I speak like this and when I'm like sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize like, you know, I'm like, I can hardly function in terms of like my motor skills and my ability to like, you know, even transfer myself. But when I'm out there, like from the local, Transportation buses to guys on the cows and the dogs. Everybody chases me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Someone's trying to run me off the road. It's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I'm sure you guys also know about this, because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, like, you know, the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the U.S. had to go through to get the kind of facilities that you got. Exactly. It was like such a, like they actually went and like, you know, took over the town hall in San Francisco.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
You know, I wish I could do that, but nobody here would like even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So like, you know, that would be like a challenge. Right, right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
The first thing I do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. Like, you know, we just, I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair. Hey, hey, easy there, buddy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
I mean... Have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards like any person with like pale skin? Like, you know, you would be like the star attraction here. Like, you know, like I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like going over ramps like Evel Knievel. Hey, this isn't a circus.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have like an audience of 15 to 20 people. Like, you know, if I had charged them, I could have earned enough to like, you know, pay for some medicine for my disease. Like, you know, that's the first thing I would do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
And the other thing I wanted to do is like, you know, I want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture, like crap that's full of my like experiences. I want to start my own YouTube channel. Like, Oh, okay. I've already trademarked a name called Wheelie Vision. Wheelie Vision? I don't think... Wheelie Vision, yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
It's a channel by the disabled, for the disabled, and it's got nothing to do with, like, side stories. It's all about one day dedicated to, like, you know, doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do, like, a car review. A day dedicated to doing... It's cool. A day dedicated to doing, like, a talk show.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Oh, I mean, from everything from like a key and peel kind of like a skit comedy show with no holes barred, like, you know, like like two blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in Braille. So you get to learn new things as you're having sex. OK, I'm writing these ideas down.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yep, and then, like, you know, somebody with, like, a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition, and the interpreter does the singing, but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because, you know, well, they're, like... So you're just sitting around thinking of this stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yeah, I think about... I wake up at night thinking, what if it's the next zombie apocalypse and I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie? I wouldn't be able to operate my wheelchair, like, you know? I mean, I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and like, you know, going way over the limit and I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Like, you know, how does that work? Like, you know. So you're suggesting. And to be honest, like, you know, I go to like a pharmacy in the U.S. Here it's all over the counter prescription. I go to a pharmacy in the U.S. The first thing they hand me is like a pill. like a bottle full of pills and it says, don't operate heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy machinery.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Like, you know, what are you supposed to do? You know, it's shit like that. Like, you know, it's funny. It's, it's, I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way. You know, it's, it's, I think you want them to laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on video games. Like I said, if you are on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do, though I gave it a shot. But yeah, video games were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing Pong with that big joystick thingy. You know, then moving on to like knockoffs, we didn't get like American game consoles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. Like you get ripoffs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names, like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system, like, you know, for some reason.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans, and they put them into the Indian version of the game. So every tanned NPC player... I made it into the Indian version of GTA.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
That was insane looking. To give them due credit, it's still in the prototype stage. It's still a pilot project.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
From one cartoon character come to life to another, I would expect.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet. But it's still called Grand Theft Auto. No, no, no. It's got some Indian name. It's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
They are my caregivers, my best friends. Nice. I'm on a first-name basis with them in that sense. They know everything about me, and I know everything about them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yeah. They don't throw potatoes at me. Okay, all right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yep. No, but my dad, he's never given up. He's 72, and he always thinks there's a cure right around the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
i will tell you how mr conan my father thinks that every woman i meet is an ideal mate for me like you know like he couldn't do better than this like you know this is the one for him and so the moment i strike a conversation again i'll give you a movie reference you've seen the seventh seal with the god of death playing chess with that knight right the german surrealist from matt you know about this right yeah the
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick. Oh yeah, that's a great line, Rusty.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Yeah. I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already like had like a few too many and like meets a very attractive woman who like has shown some promise towards it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
And my dad comes up and then he rattles off like all the assets I own and that how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I would, I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and like, you know, giving her as many kids as she wants.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Sorry about that, Rusty. I'm not even caffeinated yet. I'm not even caffeinated, so can you believe that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Grand Theft Rickshaw
Were you playing with your joystick when that happened?