Ryan Lawrence
Appearances
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
It's incredibly hard to talk about this for many reasons and even harder to find the words to explain such a horrible crime. It's with all of my heart that I convey my sincerest apology. to everyone for taking Maddox from her family and everyone who loved her. I'm also utterly sorry for denying Maddox her chance at life.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
I can't expect your forgiveness, but I tell you now that the sorrow I feel for what I've done is complete and comes from the deepest depths of my being. This sorrow I feel has nothing to do with being in jail. But for the pain, for the loss of Maddie, I miss her so bad. Max is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
I'd say that to her all the time and to anyone else who'd listen. It was amazing to have her everywhere I went, including all the times I brought her to work with me. When our baby was diagnosed with cancer, we were in shock, but hopeful that the doctors in New York City would cure her, as indeed they did.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Even after enduring countless overnight trips to the hospital and fruitless attempts at suiting a baby who couldn't possibly understand why she couldn't eat for hours before invasive treatment procedures, the threat of her cancer returning was very real. Our work schedules were arranged so that one of us was always with the baby, but there was very little time for the three of us together.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
nor enough money for a sitter or much of anything else. Still, we treated her and fed her better than we did ourselves, and loved her far more than anything else we've ever known. In no way can I justify my actions, and there is no one to blame but myself. There is no good explanation for such a horrendous crime, and regret is too simple a term to describe what I feel.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
What I can say is I've never felt such strong emotions towards anything in my life than my ever-growing and unconditional love for Maddox, and now I'm completely distraught by overwhelming grief and anguish for what I've done. I was never jealous of my daughter. Both our families know I love Maddox. If anything, I only wanted more for her.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Maddox was always at the top of my list and is constantly, to this day, the focal point of my thoughts and actions since she first came into my life. I'll never overcome this feeling of loss. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how I got to such a dark, irrational state. She was my life's purpose, and making her happy was my job.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Such strong feelings of love, however, brought equally strong feelings of fear and uncertainty when it came to my responsibility for her happiness.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Although I blame no one else for my acts, as the pressures to save, to give her the perfect life built up, I also struggled against relentless waves of negative emotions every day, bearing witness to the pain and sadness in many of my wife and daughter's interactions.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Yet no reason and no psychological diagnosis seemed plausible to me to have made me commit this act against my very nature, taking the one thing I love most. This Easter, my father, weeping, asked me what I was thinking. In despair, I gave him the only answer I could. Although these pressures led me to this unthinkable act, I cannot now make sense of what I did.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
There's no valid reason for why our daughter Maddox had to die. Not a second goes by when I don't wish I could take back what I did and that Maddox would still be alive. I pray all the time that she's in a better place and that God and my mother are watching over her.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
But being in this cell with nothing but my thoughts is... Tormenting. So, I mean, I can't close my eyes. I can't sleep. Just having to, having to live this life that I've created for myself is hell. Hell exists. It's real. I know that. And I've created it for myself. You don't have to die.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Yeah, I told her goodbye.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
I told her, Max, we're going on another trip. I'm gonna see you soon. Daddy's just got something to take care of real quick. I told her I loved her and she was the best baby in the whole world.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
Yeah, I was crying.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
I'd say that's ridiculous. I pay for it every day, even if I wasn't out. I still wake up hearing her voice. Every time I close my eyes, I see her and what I've done. I have to live every day without her.
True Crime with Rachel Shannon
BARBARIC: EVIL Father Does Unthinkable to Baby Daughter Because he was JEALOUS?!
To live this life that I've created for myself is hell. Hell exists. It's real. I know that.