Santa Claus
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
So you get presents from people? Oh, I do. I do sometimes. People are so thoughtful and so nice. My absolute favorite thing to get as a present is something that a child has made on their own. I love people, and I'm very lucky. The world comes to visit me, and I'm very happy that people trust me enough to let me see them a little bit.
Merry Christmas! This is Santa calling from the North Pole, hoping to speak with Stella, and I couldn't wait to chat with my special friend. How is your big sister Lily doing? Good. And how about your best friend Ellie? Have you two been having fun together? Yeah. I remember you telling me some lovely things about her. Well, my dear, it's time for me to get back to the North Pole.
I'll see you soon.
Well, let's just say Santa got higher than the North Pole. As I was thrust into the first of eight Jewish-themed stoner miracles, Bernie had no choice but to step up and become my designated driver, or be forever known as the Jew who ruined Christmas.
Let's get fa-la-la-la-lit!
Bernie! You lit? You having fun? You're charged? Let's go!
Vibe check. Oh, you seem stressed. Oh, oh, oh, I know what you need.
Time? Bernadoodle, I'm Father Time. Check your watch.
When the sleigh's not in flight, time slows down the night. Stop!
Oh, no. They haven't even played my request yet.
How am I supposed to follow that?
Whoa! I love it when it does that.
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're still not used to it.
Celebrate good times! Come on!
Look what I learned at the party!
What would it have been like? 24-7 rave-a-thon?
Oh, you're a sick double D, Bernie, and I'm having a great time.
I thought we were talking bra size. You're a sick DD birdie and I'm having a great time.
I'm experiencing so much schadenfreude.
Wait. Are you talking about me? I've roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese. But it's been so monotonous, delivering world peace. Suddenly threw your eyes a brand new view. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
I've whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. Chimneys I've been sliding down have given me black lung.
Look, I no longer have the soot flu. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
Oh, that's all right. I'll bring all the jolly.
We fit together perfectly, this Hebrew and this goy. You lit up my yuletide log and it's burning bright.
A holly jolly mitzvah, yes, it's true. Who knew Christmas
What is this? Why am I here? Who are you people?
Christmas? Is Christmas today? Is today Christmas? Oh, I have so much to do.
Ma'am, do not get involved or you'll be in violation too. I will take you both down.
Oh. Kevin Garrity. Nice list since 1986. Monofilament toupee. Number one on your Christmas list. Let me out. Uh, I didn't ask for that. Take it.
You bet your ass it's an emergency. You just committed a Title 49 felony. You're toast, Bernice.
Why is it that a woman who's never used her airline's benefits suddenly, on Christmas Eve, wants to travel to Fort Wayne, Indiana with a man claiming... To be Santa Claus.
False identification? Another charge to be leveled.
Oh, did you eat one of Bernie's special cookies and forget what happened in the first episode? Well, Santa doesn't blame you. I wasn't all there that night either. Our story began at O'Hare Airport, where we met Bernie Gold, a Spirit Airlines liaison with no Christmas spirit, and not just because she's Jewish.
Santa is not real. Okay? He's not. Christmas is about Christ, not some mythical pervert pulling peonies once a year. No respectable adult lets their kid believe and believe and believe. And then they're in college and they still believe. And then infantiles... Infantilizes. Thank you, yes. God damn it, I knew that.
And then they're in college and they still believe and it infantilizes and emasculates them till there's nothing left.
Well, I don't make nice sweaters cause I'm not a sheep. And I won't be fooled twice. Now you're gonna go and tell me the truth or I'm gonna make you wish the yarn you're spinning is long enough to hang yourself with.
Bite the bullshit, Bernie, because I'm not saying this again. Santa is not real!
We've got a 32 PC. We're gonna need backup. Officer down!
Bingo! You melted my snowballs.
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, and Donner, and Blitzen!
After ruining her family's Hanukkah party, Bernie tries to down her sorrows by whipping up Santa's all-time favorite, chocolate chip cookies. Only Bernie added a naughty ingredient, a rare strain of kosher cannabis. And when I accidentally landed at the wrong house, Bernie's house, well, I thought those cookies were a gift for old Saint Nick.
Santa stands on the bed of the sleigh shouting, I'm the king of the world!
She evaded Santa's helpers and stole the sleigh. I tagged along, stuck in a munchie-themed miracle, and we took off in hopes that Bernie could be the Jew who saved Christmas. Like a typical joke. Oh, that is the funniest. For the record, it is in this script.
You are joining me, aren't you?
Well, if it's all right by you, I could use a hand finishing the job.
Well, I guess I should be furious, but not with you.
You see, Bernie, I've been doing Christmas the same way for over 1,686 years. Turns out, it wasn't just the sleigh that was riding on autopilot. Then you came along and drugged me. You made my eyes bloodshot and wide open. You did that.
Yes, Bernie. It was you who told that little girl about the jolly side of divorce. Oh, it's so good when parents destroy their children. That was it. I would have just given her a toy and erased her memory of me ever being there. But you, you connected with her and helped more than any gift ever could.
And how about that party? I never stop to partake in the jubilance. I'm usually watching the fun from outside a frosted window. I forgot how it felt to be included in a Christmas celebration. I clearly have enough time to indulge every now and then.
And as for the naughty list, the very reason we ran out of gifts for the children. You made me realize that I have been too harsh a judge. You believed in the naughty kids in a way I didn't. And now, because of you, they'll have a real shot at being nice because someone showed them some Christmas kindness.
I've delivered Christmas alone since it's dawn, and I never realized how lonely it could be. I'd really like to finish this year's delivery with you. I guess even Santa needs a little help.
Oh, me too. I'm really glad I went to the wrong house and that I didn't check the list twice.
Bernie, what you did last night would make every family in the world proud to have you as a member.
It was an accident, honey.
You're right. You're so right. Who am I to judge? I'm not perfect. I'm a monster.
Santa welcomes you back to the North Pole. I hope you've California sobered up and can remember what happened in our previous episode. But if not, jolly old St. Nick will egg jog your memory. After a rocky start delivering Christmas, not to mention breaking out of TSA prison, Bernie started to get the hang of stealing my identity. Christmas was going off without a hitch.
Oh, great. So your body's shaming me, too? Everyone talks about my big, round belly like it doesn't hurt.
I'm the plan. I'm Santa.
I am the presents. santa kicks his feet on the dash oh these kids don't need toys they need me i am chris christmas and my presents will be their present you dig no you're saying you're not going to give them gifts you're just going to i actually do not understand the second part of the plan
Oh, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. You are not Santa, and therefore cannot use your human jello brain to comprehend the greatness that is me.
Now, imagine that in a kiddo's bedroom. I've woken them up from a deep slumber. I allow them to post it on Instagram. They're the flyest kid in class thanks to me.
But as I continued on my journey of Jewish weed-themed miracles, the sleigh's autopilot accidentally got turned back on. Bernie and I were lured back to the North Pole by the elves who were not jolly. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. But Bernie, like a typical Jew, refused to do that. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. But Bernie, like a typical Jew, refused to admit defeat.
Want to see a big thing? No. What is that? My **** I'm talking about.
Santa Claus doesn't owe the children. They owe Santa for being an icon.
How dare you talk to the King of Peace that way?
I do. Christmas gets delivered the way it's supposed to. By Santa. And Santa alone.
We fit together perfectly.
And this goy. You lit up my yuletide log and it's burning bright.
A holly jolly mitzvah, yes it's true. Who knew Christmas Christmas needed a you.
I've roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas geese. But it's been so monotonous, delivering world peace. Suddenly threw your eyes a brand new view. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
Christmas feels different. Something feels new. The snow is whiter and so much brighter. And it's all because of you, Noel.
I've whistled all the carols that could ever have been sung. Chimneys I've been sliding down have given me black lung.
Look, I no longer have the soot flu. Who knew Christmas needed a Jew?
That's all right. I'll bring all the jolly.