Sarah Sherman

I never saw him. My dad called me at like nine in the morning the next day and I was so hungover that I was blind. And I don't even drink. But I was like, I just met Paul McCartney. I'm going to get blacked out. So my dad was like, did you meet Keith?

Like for my dad's birthday, me and my brother got him this giant like four foot by four foot like Keith Richards photo that's like hanging in his living room. Oh, wow. And my dad loves Keith Richards and like, oh, he was like, did you meet him? And I'm like, no, I don't know where he went.

But you didn't see him after.

Can I tell you guys what I did to Paul McCartney?

I saw Judd Apatow talking to him at the after party. And I literally grabbed him by the scruff of his back and I was like, Judd, you need a Paul McCartney now. And so thank you, Judd. I owe you my life. He was like,

paul mccartney sarah sherman and i was like hi paul mccartney i know you can't tell because my hair was in this like crazy hairdo for charity or whatever i was like paul i know you can't tell from my hairdo right now but i usually have a mullet like from your wings era and i was actually listening to temporary secretary in the shower today when i wrote that you know i thought of a secretary you know typing away

Thank you for saying that. I'm actually way older than that.

Your sketch just dropped.

Your karma points were low. God was fucking with you hard.

Dana, I wish you were there, but also I feel like you got the most fun experience of the 50th. Why?

No, just like the 50th, just coming and like hanging out with us. Like it's like at the 50th, you didn't get to like actually talk to anyone.

thing going on because it is almost like this is your life he's seen people from the 70s and it and the gush of emotion i i what was the vibe at the good nights it was just i the good nights i was like i didn't want to even go on stage like i didn't know we had to go on stage and i felt overwhelmed i was like i like saw ben stiller and i like almost passed out i was like

My eyes started welling up with tears talking to him, and I was like, I look insane. I look like a crackhead. But I saw Warren after, and he looked so stoked. I think the show was great. I can't really remember what he said to me right after, but it was something like, you get it now, right? You get why the show was awesome? And I was like, totally.

When we went back to work on Monday, it was like, we were all like... We're still here?

It was just like in a finale or something and we were all like, hello everyone. I think it's composure like him at the end because it's like, you know, if he was up there being like, oh, it's good. Suck it.

We moved the tablery from the big scary stage to 17. Oh, you went back upstairs. And I totally get it now. It's amazing. It's like sleepover vibes.

In Spain, I just see one hand coming up, like, Sarah, help, help.

Wait, can you telepathically communicate?

I felt weird going up there. It was like the fucking Mount Rushmore of comedy.

I couldn't be. I was so in the back, I was in a different building.

I'm not even joking. Like, I legit... No. I liked when you were there. I want you to come back again. Like, that was really fun, I thought.

You didn't know. You were like, I didn't know you actually dressed like that. I was like, yeah.

That's like the most fun part of the job. It's just like, because that is Halloween.

Someone should, should someone give me her number and I text her or something?

Oh. That was awesome. Oh, look. I love being the fugliest bitch in the picture. Jesus. I don't know. My God. I don't know. Next to the woman who's famous for being gorgeous. I'll say. At a Rangers hockey game.

I was like, hi, and I was with my brother.

We were just in the mind, body, and spirit of Hooters Waitresses.

You introduced everybody to her? I walked into the sport room or whatever, and she was like, hey, Sarah. I was with my brother and my dad, and my brother was like, oh, my fucking God.

like some orc by the way hockey is amazing you don't know anything you have a hockey haircut you don't even know about hockey i know i didn't know well because i saw they were like beating the shit out of each other and i was like is someone gonna do something oh that's like the whole game the whole game she's like why don't you pick up the puck and throw it it'll go faster

Listen, if any hockey players are listening right now, I'm not single, but call me.

They like, I just can't believe they really hit each other in the face for real. It's like, you don't even really do that in like boxing, do you?

You're on like your shoes are knives and you're punching each other.

That was fun.

And Spade did the same thing when he was drowning in a sea of people. He would go, Sarah, help, where are you? And then you could see him crawl his way to the front of the group at the end in that last final. Oh, right.

And I just hear him in the back going, Sarah, help, help. And I drag you in.

It's so crazy how little. Dana, that's like why I liked when you would come because it's like, I think there's this like, being my fourth year, it's like there's some misconception that I would be like, I would know how to do the job or whatever. It's nice having you there. It's like, no, this guy knows how to do it.

She's popping. This is dorky, but I got this like aura ring that like, cause I'm a hypochondriac and it like tells you like, I was interested in that.

it don't do it because it turns you into a basket case but because we moved for the listeners at home who don't know we moved the table read to a smaller more intimate room and it really fucking scared the shit out i got really nervous because like table reads the scariest part for me because i feel like you're like on this thing in front of all of you it's here nerve-wracking you are all these things are true you are they're all judging you they are

We used to be in this big room where you're really far from people. So if you bomb, you can just like slowly sink into your chair and then like disappear. But like this room was really small. And so like all of your mistakes feel like inescapable or something.

And I was so terrified that when I got, I checked my like ordering app and it said that I was like, it basically asked me if I was running an eight hour marathon because I was like full. Your heart rate is like 120 sitting in a chair. Yeah. Seven hours straight. Fuck.

And like, I don't know, like my instinct is just like jump up and flail around, but that's not the vibe of that.

But I really liked it because like stuff like, you know, Ashley Padilla, who's like, it's her first season. Like, you know, so we've worked together less. Like I used to be really, really far from her at table read. And it's like, maybe I got to get my eyes checked. I'm like, I can't see or hear anything.

And then yesterday I got to like, see her like up close, do like a lot of really small, subtle, like facial expressions and stuff that were really, really, really making me laugh. But I think, And I'm like, it's just so much better. Like you get to actually like experience people's like little, like micro choices and stuff.

You know, it's like, it's Lauren calling me. I don't know.

He's on the other side of Lorne. And so I can like, I have like periphery vision of Lorne, like while I'm doing my bit.

He laughs more at 17, I think.

No, but I have to turn the TV off because you can see like... Look at this fucking outfit.

Well, I really hope my stuff doesn't get cut because I really like it.

That's new though, Spade.

That's new. I used to have a lot of free time on Saturday.

I, I literally pick up the phone. If anything, I pick up.

I would just pick it up. That's too heavy for me. I can't be on the phone.

Marcelo really doesn't answer. I have to call him and be like, hello, excuse me, I'm speaking to you. Dana, when I saw you and I was having a rough time in the first couple of weeks of the show, it's this thing of like, I wanted to respond to that because I think we can have something interesting to talk about. Yeah, go ahead.

It's like, you know, you have, like for me, like my summers are like, I'm on tour and I'm like doing my own stuff and... the readjustment period working again here can be really intense.

I don't know, like, you know, whatever. And, like, Dana, I, like, was, like, crawling on my, I was, like, crawling on, like, a single strand to Dana being like, help me, what do I do?

And it's so much pressure. Like, you know, oh, like, Shane's a comedian. Like, fucking, I don't want him to think I'm not fucking funny. Or like, then it's Lady Gaga next week. And it's like, I don't want Lady Gaga to think I'm a fucking loser. Yeah. Besides the fact that the job is hard.

That's why I'm like, fucking... There's so much of comedy right now is on the phone. And I'm like, y'all don't know what it's like to really... put yourself out there and fail in a big way. You know what I mean?

Yeah, there's like, you can bomb on the internet, but you don't feel that in like your marrow the same way you do when you're bombing a lifestyle.

But you're, Dana, you're like the Zen Buddha. Like I can't do that thing of like going off car. Like I can't even switch from card to card in the middle of a line without getting like vertigo and feeling like the horizon line has gone completely off.

Yeah.

I am reading them. I'm reading them. Yeah.

You were effing around during rehearsal. I know. Sneaking around.

You know what sucks? I don't bring my phone to the floor because I want to like focus and be present. But then I don't have any pictures for my entire experience on Saturday Night Live. When I joined the show, I saw Jimmy Fallon in the hallway and he was like, you have to keep a journal. And I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. And I'm like, wish I did. Don't remember a thing.

Didn't take a second to do it.

Stop threatening to get rid of me.

A couple things, but you know how it goes. Sometimes you're legit in seven things. There was a show a couple weeks ago where all my sketches were cut, and then my part was cut out of...

And so like at the end of the day, you're in one thing. And I'm like, I was like coming in like I think I'm the hot shit with like eight things. Why don't you do an update where you just talk about legit.

Hey, Mr. Gillis, can I please have some more jokes, please?

Oliver, the street urchin of SNL going up to writers going, please, Mr. Streeter, can I have some more lines, please?

Someone comes out dressed as Santa Claus.

You just have a big thing in your... I have a really... I don't want to say it on the podcast because I really want to do it.

We can edit it out. Here's a note to Greg, the producer. I think you guys have to edit out when the full Tate McRae performance was happening on the mirror.

I know, just blur it or something. Oh, I see it.

Your viewers at home. Eagle-eyed viewers.

And my mom. Shout out to my mom. Does she watch?

Robin. Hi, Robin.

Yeah, live and in the flesh.

Of course.

Because that was people were- That was really funny.

It was really funny.

It is like the most spade thing ever.

Yeah. You're good at that. I don't know how to be subtle much to everyone's chagrin. Spade's so good at that. I don't know.

But it's not. It's like cheating because I had my eyebrows taped triangularly.

It was Klingon.

You got to go through life and go on.

For the past 30 minutes, he's like, we're going to have to do that.

You didn't even party, dude. We like legit, like I don't drink. And then I got like so blacked out.

Like legit anything anyone gave me. Oh, man. Go to a bar and be like, what do you want? I'm like, whatever you're having. I was blind for three days.

I know I did look nice.

There were like five floors, like- At the plaza. Old bars at the plot. Like, it was just like, it was nuts.

Oh, you had to fly. You did get to feel for it. He left as soon as I walked in. I was walking in. He was like, oh, perfect. That's my cue to leave.

No, Dana, I'm telling you, you got the more fun thing.

The weekly hangout.

That made me cry. That was sweet. Oh, I was by you.

What did I say to you when he was on stage? I was like, where's Ringo?

Because he just is like... That's what I really respect about him. He's just like... It's like, he takes like every day as it happens. Like, it's like, he doesn't think too much far forward because the show is so immediate. So he's like really like present, you know what I mean? And like, maybe this is spilling too much tea, but like at that like dinner, I can't tell, whatever.

there was that like cocktail dinner thing. And like the, some exec was giving a speech about how like they were offering to throw Lauren this like giant party just for him. And he was like, it was like the Friday before show. And he was like, no, we got a show to do. I'm not doing a party. And I was like, respect. This guy just cares about the show.

He's like, wants to get to work and do the show.

Can you imagine giving a funny speech in an intimate room in front of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld and like, And Chevy. Chevy Hackle, of course. I have to go to my rewrite table now, by the way. Say what? I do have to go to my rewrite table now. Oh, don't act like you have to go anywhere. Oh, good. Now we're okay. Yeah, I have to let you guys go.

All right.

Thank you.

It's I, you know, my big theory is that I'm afraid there's like a chemical in here that I'm inhaling and it's like going to kill me.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Did you guys not? Nothing in there.

Were you just like always worried you were going to get fired? I don't think it was dedicated to us.

I know. Mine's like claustrophobic. Well, I got a fucking small ass fucking room.

Well, you can stash up your little area. You've got like nothing on the walls there. We have nothing.

I know.

Yeah. And then, by the way, everyone got COVID.

No. They got it all right.

Oh, was it the poop one?

On your private jet, Spade?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Why do you have skateboards behind you?

Wait, whoa, Spade got a crazy new haircut, kind of.

Look at this shit. That's cool.

Is that starting to get it?

Go Dirt 3000. Go Dirt 3000.

What?

I legit feel like I beefed that Matt Gaetz bad.

I know, but then I was like, and then I looked at the camera, and then when I opened my mouth, it falls apart.

You like how they built in though? Like, you know, cause it's like John Mulaney comes up to me and he's like, Hey, Michael Bloomberg. And I'm like, I am Jewish. And then it had built into the script, his line after to be like, yeah, nice impression. Cause he like already knew it was going to be shit.

I was legit thinking about texting him today. Saying what? I want someone to post really badly.

Should I just text him and be like, yo?

Shane, Shane.

Gillis. Oh, the Shane Gillis.

Wake up, Dana.

I know you're in your decor-less monk cell. Yeah, boomer.

It's okay, bud.

Don't let the shirt betray you. I'm standing with my straight girl.

What did I say about your shirt?

Tell them. It's giving Spongebob.

Cause look. Oh, that's what you meant.

Oh, you thought I was calling you like random person.

I take back what I said about how you guys feel about women.

Gay guys. What about us?

I'm obsessed with you guys. It's crazy.

I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I just want to sit here and smile. I just want to go, guys.

I'm not kidding. I don't take that lightly. You shouldn't.

He's getting sworn in.

Was he serving? Can I tell you something?

Really?

And are you a Carrie girl or...

Yeah, yeah. The vibes have always been weird. But does this make you go buyer's remorse on Bo Bice? Do we as a culture need to bring Bo Bice back?

Von Zell, we love Von Zell.

Wait, who was long hair? Bobice. I got my first period while Bobice.

And then I acted like it wasn't happening because I was afraid.

Wait, do you remember what song he was singing?

He had a brown jacket.

It was always some variation of, Oh, little mama, let me get your handle because mama, I'm so hot to handle now I guess around.

Was it that? Because the way that just sent like a reptilian like chill to the base of my spine. He had a brown suede jacket on and was holding a guitar.

On a week like this? I used to dream of better days. I used to dream and I hoped I'd never wake up.

When you guys said Bo Bice, I thought the guy with the gray hair.

Do you know what I think it is? I want to preface this by saying, I think because I've been a lot of prefacing and pretencing today. I think because my boyfriend...

I come in peace, gay guys.

I come in peace, Kyles and Katie's alike. And Mariah's and Shania's.

That was like deathbed vibes. When y'all are on your deathbed, like this perfect angel style, you can go like, we did that. Yeah.

Unless.

When we're 79.

We tore. Deathbed for you two is going to be 115 years old.

He's going to look the same.

Honey, I'm so old. I'm Nosferatu 3.

The perfect man. Oh, the perfect man. I think because my.

Taylor Hicks.

I think my beautiful, long-suffering boyfriend is so... He's so beautiful. He's so, like, standard, cute, attractive. He's so lovely. And, you know, he invented a new term. What? It's cute-iful. It's when something's cute and beautiful.

That's really good. Isn't that crazy?

South side of Chicago. All right.

And like, he's from a town called Flossmoor. So you, of course you get built in jokes. Like I wish you'd floss less. Bleeding.

You don't. You're a liar. You have the nicest teeth in show business.

Oh, but did you ever have braces?

You're lying.

With a smirk. Like Rachel Maddow, something I found out when I had to do my research, of course.

No, by the way, you know, at the second my toe came off stage, every single person was like, hey, you messed up all your words. Fuck off.

Try saying MSNBC 10 times fast.

Well, okay, I had to say it one time and I said M-F-N-B-A-B-C.

I think that's what happened. And then my brain just started like fritzing out.

Literally, thank you.

Because, I mean, not to be like this. Who do you think, besides David Lynch, built culture as we know it? Gay guys. Literally gay guys.

Does anyone know?

Okay. I dreamed this or it was real. And I'm not going to look it up because that's, I don't need to be like interfacing with screens right now. Didn't she have an episode where she had a bunch of pedophiles on?

I just have this strong memory of her being like, I was like two or whatever, like this big, and there was a bunch of pedophiles on, and she was like, it sucks that you guys want to have sex with kids. And then I was watching being like, that does suck. Oh my God.

Meanwhile, me being eight, being like, I wish an adult wanted to have sex with me. I was in love with all my teachers. Hey, really? Of course. I was like precocious little bitch.

It is just like, I'm afraid.

Jesus. Hello, nurse. I'm afraid of saying his full name because you could find him. Don't say his full name.

I had an English teacher. This is going to send you guys to the moon in a not SpaceX rocket ship, in a normal rocket ship.

English teacher. He had a gray and red long beard.

Red, gray hair combed over to the side, much like our president. Combed over.

Like legit 100 years old. Every day would wear like a Snoopy tie. The character Snoopy? The character Snoopy.

A funny little tie. And he, me and my best friend in high school, Emily, would sit in the parking lot and watch him smoke his pipe in his car during lunch break and just be like, that is so funny. Fucking hot.

It's giving, what's the guy's name? The Giver. It's giving the Giver.

Not dissimilar. He actually quite looked like him.

Moore.

With a Snoopy tie.

And he would smoke a fucking pipe in his car and me and Emily would just like watch him in his car. Are you still in touch with Emily? Oh, of course. Yeah. Emily, hello. If you're listening.

This is the thing about Long Island is that y'all keep in touch with high school.

Oh. And said, let's go to Roosevelt Field, get our ears pierced.

I have to give respect to you because, like, Honestly, something crazier, even more iconic to say than you're a gay icon, you are an actual Long Island legend. You are not from, we're fucking around Long Island. You are from Long Island, Long Island.

You're new to this. He's new to this.

No one knows what happened to us. It's so crazy, the things that we saw and the things that we did.

Nikki Blonsky. Nikki Blonsky.

Jeez. Her mom once came up to me.

Wait, I actually have the chills.

I think she came to my school. I felt like they were scouting. For hairspray?

Yeah.

What did she say?

What did she say?

Sarah. I didn't know I would die for Kinky Boots.

Well, because I have an explanation as to why I'm sitting like this.

We had a Kinky Boots sketch.

You come out with glitter on your feet. You're clearly putting on the kinky boots. What is it?

It's so rare to channel.

To let the muse visit you.

I know that. How could a bastard orphan?

That's not, you would love it.

Really?

It's a great show.

Yes.

I don't, don't get me started on that. Cause I'm feeling really emotional about production value lately.

What's what's going on? What do you think?

It's just like, give it to me. And I'm not, you guys know who you are, who aren't giving it to me. Just in general, I want to see lights, camera, sound, sets, costume.

I basically loved it more than words can even express.

Her fucking holding the camera, running backwards, hosing everyone down with blood. I'm like, if you want to know how it's done, that's how it's done.

Literally, let this be a message. Do you want to talk about this? Coralie, I love you. And what you've done and what you will continue to do and what has happened and what will soon to be happening all over until like the perpetuity, until the end of time, like... What was I saying?

You did that. When it kept going, when it just kept going, and then the teeth, and then the ears, and then the blood hose, and the music, and the lights, camera sound, costume, whatever, as we were just saying, it didn't for one second stop. It gave us everything relentlessly and more.

It's incredible. It's a perfect film.

It's a perfect film. It's hilarious down.

Yeah. Down.

It's, as you say, a feast for the eyes.

It's everything. She's my favorite. She's everything.

We met one time.

And I was struck by her beauty. Yes, she is. She's gorgeous. She's stunning. And she's hilarious.

At a luncheon. I've been, like, stalking her for real. Because I just, like, I'm like, you're amazing.

I love Revenge. Yeah. And I love every... You know, when you like see someone's movie and you're like, I hope see words escape me. That's how much I care.

Yeah.

Oh, that's like, you could just see like, it's like, she's such a like fan of horror movies too. And so it's like, as a fan of the thing, as a fan of like basket case or whatever, you watch that movie and you're like, yeah, thank you. This feels like a Christmas tree.

Yeah.

I know. And just like, I, yeah. Yeah. She's just, listen, I'm free. You're at a loss for words. I'm at a loss for words.

Both of them fans. Yeah. Both of them fans, but like now I am on my knees forever in their debt, basically.

I have to sit like this because as you know, I came to the studio today with a triangle head.

Who's calling?

We had a huge day for Union Hall. Union Hall truly won. Oh my gosh.

Isn't that wild? Should I come?

Wait, you're going tomorrow?

No, no. This comes out Wednesday and then I'm going to be, I'm literally leaving read through and catching a plane to LA. And then Thursday morning, 5.30 AM PT, we're announcing. And then I got to fly back for Block It.

No, I know.

It's like literally the coolest thing.

He smallens things. He always does.

You smallen. Because you go like-

Who gave us a laugh? If we're talking about the laughing.

Oh, he gave us a laugh.

Just a couple laughs. It's like, oh, I'm going to be announcing the Oscar. Like, that's how he says it. This is how he delivers it.

That's not how I deliver it. Well, yeah, it might be.

But you, I know you have to small on it because you're just trying to keep your head on your shoulders and you're like clocking in and clock. Like, it's like, if things were too big, like you would almost be scared to do it.

But it's like, that is, that is major.

I just like, no, if you guys were my friends, you'd be like, girl, you do have triangle hearts and I, but that's okay. And just rock it. I told you what you have.

Right.

Oh, Matt.

No, it's not on.

Triangle head, leaf head.

What's going to be yours?

I'm changing that.

Oh my God. I thought you were kidding for being hilarious.

What? Say this. Say this. Say this.

What's all this then?

When you say this, something that's just coming to mind is like peeling dirty underwear off the floor. What is this? Yeah, a wife coming home, peels a woman's underwear from the bottom of the basket and going, what is this? To my husband, I've been working all day and whose is this? You would just say, what is that?

No, again, to the directors out there, I'm free.

Okay, now say that. Sorry.

See, I'm not threatened by that.

I had a drink the other night, a sauce cigar.

Well, by the way, I don't want to say anything disrespectful, but it's like, let's get her out there more.

Do you think... I'm going to say something on behalf of all women.

Is she so... Is she so... Is she so stunningly Jessica Rabbit that people are afraid... And this is just about misogyny on a larger scale. Are people afraid to give her, like, challenging roles? Because they're like, she's so bodacious, we couldn't even...

Yes.

It is the craziest thing ever.

And then you see Twin Peaks and you go, that's okay. Some crazy things are happening here that are basically like defying all like logic between like the living and the dreaming and the dead. Right. And then you're like, and still Zubi Zubi Zoo. And still Zubi Zubi Zoo.

You guys are actually going to lose your gourd, basically. The top of your hat is going to fly off.

It's like the most devastating thing. And the Laura Palmer's theme, like the music, that score is crazy.

I think once you enter episode two, then it's full lubrication and it's a nonstop roller coaster. Like, I don't think you're going to find any resistance there. I think it's just like slipping in that second episode. Allow it to just it's just it's the way it feels all over your body when you're watching it. It's it's astounding. And I will say and not to belabor this point. Belabor.

No, I just am going to be needing a PhD tonight.

If you saw who I was talking about, you'd go, oh, okay.

Taylor Hicks. Taylor Hicks. No disrespect. Billy Bob Thornton. Now. Because I think my beautiful, long-suffering boyfriend is so conventionally cute, cutiful, that it's like, I think it's like, it's allowed. Yes, it's a counterweight.

In fact, if he's lucky.

You let it stink up the place?

The expiry date is long past.

When was the last time you smelled one? Me? Face to face.

I've never seen a vagina up close.

It's one of the, and they cover this in many movies. It's one of the most craziest things you could see.

How would we know? I didn't bring mine today. It's in the car.

Oh, interesting. This is going to be a surprise. I don't like, as someone who loves blood, guts, shit, piss, boogers, I'm like, what are we, two?

I love nose.

I think it's like we're older than that.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's so, I love this.

There's an edit. That's so chic.

And I love, I love mucoid membranes. So I love like a slick mucus.

Again, it's like, guys, really?

No, I do this.

I think it's a medical procedure. You have to clear that out.

That's actually crazy.

No, no, you have to get in there. Sometimes you have to get knuckle deep and that's okay.

Oh, I was going to say they should make a nasal bidet, but that is what a neti pot is.

That's what a neti pot is. That's what a neomed is. You know, of course.

Oh, this was going to be my last on my hands and knees begging for you guys to watch Twin Peaks. In its three season arc, it posits a theory of everything, spiritually, like religiously, metaphysically, that I legitimately agree with in life.

Because there was one episode you weren't on and it just happened to be the episode that your sister was on.

Everything is love, or love is the most important thing. What is it?

Because I don't think this is spoiling necessarily. Necessarily.

Necessarily.

I don't think this is necessarily spoiling anything. Necessarily.

But you have to like then like write it like necessary. S-A-R-I-H. You know how to spell it. Necessarily. Necessarily.

Long Island. Pisces. Runner. Running. We like the same things. I guess when your thing is going to Vegas is seeing Kelly Clarkson. It could be yours.

So like, yes, that love is actually the greatest unifying force in the universe. But, you know, Twin Peaks is the... I'm going to be so serious right now that it's going to make you laugh.

Okay.

That it's, like, the story of, like, who killed Laura Palmer, right?

Right.

And I'm not going to spoil the great reveal of who killed Laura Palmer for you. Because that'll keep you on the hook for at least a season and a half.

Yeah.

But, like, you know, there's so much, like... pain and violence and trauma towards this like young high school girl and towards like all the, the women in this universe or whatever. And there's like great pain and trauma. And while like love prevails, um, Basically in the great episode eight, season three of Twin Peaks, which is like the return, which happened. What was that?

Like 2016.

Yeah. Really? A Las Colterista. You just know.

I don't know.

Don't small it.

Basically, he posits that true evil was unleashed into every dimension and realm of the universe when the first atomic bomb exploded. So that a new kind of man-made evil basically... It fractured all of the fabric of time-space and unleashed a new form of evil in the form of Bob, who is this demon that, you know, whatever, in Twin Peaks.

It unleashed a new form of evil that like wreaked a new form of havoc on every universe.

Every universe of every timeline, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yes. And so like that is the the like central conflict of Twin Peaks, which is said by, you know, General Briggs when he says, you know, there's this Bobby Briggs, hottest man alive. His dad is like a crazy, like military, like general who's like does shit with space or whatever. Oh, I'm not sounding smart. I need to drink Diet Coke.

President Trump wouldn't be trying to buy Austria or whatever.

But then, like, basically, he's worried. He's this, like, general who, like, is, like, you know, in charge of investigating, like, the link between, like, American, like, military hegemony and, like, nuclear mysticism, whatever, whatever. And he's like, my fear is that love is not enough.

So that basically when mankind, emphasis on man, basically unleashed a new kind of evil into the world when we created the nuclear bomb, he's worried that love is not enough. And then that's kind of what, like, the return follows is, like... all these characters that you remember from 20 years ago, feeling this trauma in every dimension and every like time-space continuum, whatever.

Mariah Shania, does that mean I'm available too?

And, you know, and this is why, you know, it's why Oppenheimer won the Oscar. And this is ultimately why, but this is what's crazy.

Yep.

More than ever.

Come. Wait, Vegas?

That's crazy.

Episode eight should have won the Oscar. I'll say that. No, it couldn't have been nominated for Oscar. Maybe if you were announcing the Oscars, you could have just said.

Yes, that is what I believe about the universe and like about religion and everything. It's something that David Lynch put in a fucking TV show that anyone could watch. That's amazing. And that's what culture is for me and for you and for you and for everybody. It's culture that's for everybody. It's not culture that you find in a little box.

The queerdos. It is a culture. It's not just for the queerdos. For once. For once.

And this is what brings it back to traitors.

Yes.

Yes, man.

When you ask me, are people inherently good or evil? It can be answered in episode eight.

The great disruption. And there were so many fractures and fissures in time space that this demonic force can really crawl in kind of whether or not you invite it. Because we've created man-made.

Fissure.

No. Because of sitting on, remaining on the toilet. Remaining on the toilet.

By the way, first of all, never once happens. And number two, guess how much it takes me to black out? Maybe four and a half point two sips of one gin and tonic.

Nobody in this room has more hemorrhoids than me. Nobody in this room.

It feel, it's a disability. I'm not kidding.

Cause you have, if you keep moving, then it won't like.

Stop. Wait, can I even guess what it is? Yes. It's Heather Gay's Mormon book shirt.

What is it?

Come on the pod, Lisa.

At this point, they really are all invited.

Oh, no, not a Sherman tank, as they would like to think. Pancakes on the ceiling after a sip.

Talking about like culture and like caveman time.

Wait, who am I? Actually, Abraham Lincoln had Greek Versace plates.

That was anthropology.

She was on Lost Gulch. She was the last guest before you.

You're so fucking stupid.

You know what's so interesting? Well, I told you this. I actually don't want to say this on the podcast. What? Edit this. I'm only listening to music from now on.

I just am like worried about replacing my inner chatter with outer chatter. And so I have been replacing all talking in the ears with singing.

Well, to black out immediately.

You don't listen to the episode and make sure you don't say anything bad?

You'll leave a pussy on the shelf for too long. It'll start to leak.

My brother, when I was growing up, he said that he thought pussy was a vegetable because my dad said it so much.

Because my dad would be like, get back on the field, you fucking pussy.

This might be Long Island lifestyle.

No, it just means like random sauce.

Girl. Girl. Hey, Peanut.

Talk about it, Arden.

You know how I just said that there's only been one artist who has presented my theory of everything? I was wrong. It's your sister. Yeah.

I was peanut and also yo sports fan.

So I could just kind of like, you wouldn't really see the triangle.

Is that something? Yo sport fan, get me in whatever.

It's a lot of fun.

Bug.

You're about to be like bowing on the toilet.

What color would it be when it came out?

You guys should do a Manosphere episode. All right.

What is a Japanese pizza?

Shit.

Would it be as amazing as Mary Cosby's avocado pizza looked?

What can you say about a philosopher king?

You can say a lot. I get why people join the cult. I just felt like she was speaking with such clarity this season that I thought that she was channeling. spirit. For real.

But then she was like, Angie was like, hey. And she was like, you're right, I have abandonment issues. And it was like, great.

Angie is the star of the show. Yes, I would agree. She's top five housewife for me. Truly for me.

Carlton.

Ra. Mona.

Singer.

Carlton. Ra.

Angie.

Karen.

That can't be my five.

Oh, fuck. I feel like I have it on my phone. I feel like I wrote this down on my phone.

My favorite karaoke songs.

This is a nice spread. You have Roni, Beverly Hills, Potomac, Salt Lake. You're missing what? You need a Miami girl in there. You need Adriana in.

You know what? Actually, Marisol's mom.

Yeah, Elsa.

Wait, so what do I, Carlton, Ramona, actually Mary Cosby, Angie, and then Elsa.

Rebecca.

Yeah, put her back in there. Because does it count? Does the body cam footage count as an episode of Housewives?

Because that is just like... It's so sad.

It's just like, you don't get that kind of genius anywhere else in this world.

Talk about channeling the muse in the room. Like, be in the room where that happens.

Like, that is a top five.

Wait, your necklace literally not to be like this. Whoa.

You guys, I have an announcement.

It's amazing.

Like this is what happens when you're off your phone. So we're actually referring to someone who literally just made a TikTok. But like when you're off your phone and just being you. And you're not like worried about how people perceive you.

Explain that. Because my mother was like, this is my gift to you in very Latin fashion. I'm going to give you a giant gold.

To all my queerdos and outcasts and vagabonds and dragulators. Dragulators.

Dragulators.

It's like, it's like, that is like, there's so many people who are trying to manufacture housewifedom. Yes.

That game was made about her. That game was silly.

I think it's like we're at a point with Housewives where push has come to shove. And it's like in order for anything to be, I think New York is evidence of this. It just has to be crazy. And that's why I do respect Heather doing that because she's like, well, it's the finale episode. We're all sitting at the table and it has to be insane.

Do you think she scripted that? No, I don't. You don't think she had a notes app on her phone that was like, guys...

Okay. So cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did like it because I just felt like Heather was like, I have I fucking left not a single chrome last season.

She does. Because she wrote that. And it's like she was like the way I fucking tore that last year. Like the only way I can one up myself is if I do the craziest thing possible, which is she did the craziest thing.

Miss Gay.

That's how I feel about Miss Gay. As everyone knows. My straight power fist.

Well, the YMCA, him dancing to the YMCA is like, is Brittany Bateman level.

We are laughing. Give him a standing O. To the village people. You tore that. You tore this. You tore this. And you know this.

But like, Brittany Bateman, they're a perfect cast because they're every archetype.

Yes. Of Housewife. And they're themselves perfect.

But Heather Gay is not. And that is what Mary was saying, too. When Mary was like, Heather, you've changed and you're not, you know, you're not yourself. She's like, you are becoming too aware and too into the fandom and like you're Rihanna's favorite and you're performing and you're producing. But Heather like kind of needs to do that a little bit.

Well, wait until you find out about the power of Sarah Nicole.

Right, because you have Brittany Bateman. Like if everyone was Brittany Bateman.

And she's living, she's truthfully living her life as the wife of a beautiful game.

That's my like alley.

Saying high body count hair, it's like, I actually take back what I said about Ms. Gay. Yeah. needing an Emmy for her writing, it is Angie. Because we're getting lines like, high body count hair, and we're getting lines like, one foot in the grave and another.

By the way, the name.

The text.

Like she looks perfect.

Girl. Then they say, Rome was not built in a day.

She built a hair empire because she was laying brick by brick.

That city!

It is... By the way... A goddamn pillar!

Go, go, go.

Rocking it out. I want a Rebecca nameplate that says Jewish American Princess while I'm Sarah Nicole.

It's there. It's a healing journey. I'm in a real place of healing. I fucking love her.

I fucking love her.

Cause like.

I fucking love her. I think she's the most stunning woman alive.

Oh. Oh. And how did that present itself?

Good for her.

These are our A-listers.

And her scratch cornea really concerned me.

I'm saying this as someone who will be buying her, what is it, pink microphones that she's selling?

Okay, do you remember at the end when it was like during the finale when they put the title cards up, like what they're doing now, and they came by so fast.

Listen, we're all professional readers. Could not read that stuff.

This is my first language.

Sarah Triangle Sherman.

That was it, the triangle. I tried to get it out of the way. Because I knew everybody was going to be like, sorry, your readers are going to be opening the book and seeing that I had a triangle.

You are crazy.

No, she is actually a revolutionary housewife because she is showing you that you can be a positive, loving person and still succeed.

And you could have the most beautiful boobs on TV.

And you're the most gorgeously stacked person to ever be on television. Her body is insane body tea.

Her body is tea. Her body is Celsius. Her body is Diet Coke.

What is going on there with Miss Thing?

Listen, I'm never going to shame an actor who wants camera time.

Say it for the hard-of-hearing Meredith Marks' people in the back.

Oh, my God. iPhone list.

I'm feeling naughty today. Naughty today.

This is what I was saying about the title card. When it said at the end of the title cards, it said that she's coming out with listening, pink listening devices.

Because Brittany had bugged through.

My family.

Oh, fuck, I forgot. Luann and Sonia, yeah.

We can share the list. Sharae.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Sharae Whitfield. This is the list.

And I'm going to say Alexia.

Sonia. Like, how is Sonia not my number one?

Yeah. And it's like, if we're like paying homage to what the show homage for the zoobie zoos in the room, it's like, that is what the show is. It's a soap opera. And she is a soap opera character.

My soul left my body.

I did General Hospital.

But Sarah was on General Hospital.

That is the most iconic thing anyone's ever done.

Well, and talk about- You were on General Hospital? You didn't know this? I bet. I literally, I said, hey, I, hey, please. And they were like, are you like kidding? Cause you're a comedian. Are you kidding? And I was like, I'm 1 million percent.

They were like, so they- She's a speech, she's a speech therapist.

I come in for one episode, can't do a serious face going, cause you know- It is true what they say on soap. Like in soap operas, you know, at the end of a scene, it holds on everyone's facial reactions.

You're being evil.

It's like all reality and like pretense melts away and you forget where it is.

You should get in there. You would be amazing.

And guess what they do? 100 pages of dialogue a fucking day.

It's crazy.

Do your respect speech. Put respect on that with the soap opera actors. What were you saying? Respect speech? That you just did earlier.

I respect the hell out of those actresses.

Lisa Rinna.

I did when I hosted my game show, my hamster game show.

Yes, they were. Yes, they were.

I was my co-host, Kyle. Shout out. Shout out. He did soap operas and he was like, bitch, you have no idea the level of acting talent. He said that all of his co-stars could, when they were like, hey, you know, the director would be like, can we get one single tear rolling down your cheek? They would go, which I didn't.

But it's like they're forgetting that it's a game. No, I love that.

You could do that, though. You could. Which I, you could.

So at the end of every scene, like they literally do the whole, like hold for reaction, hold for reaction. But my crunchy ass literally doing this in my reaction shots. They're fucking amazing. I couldn't believe, everyone is so fucking amazing at acting in General Hospital. It's like in.

Easy.

It is like one take. Done. Everyone's off book. Day of. Day of. They get the script. And then they go, got it.

Wow.

And I've legit never been more nervous in my life. Because you're actually with pros who are like, they do this every day.

Yeah.

What?

Screaming. Hilarious.

I guess not.

It's crazy. Good. Okay. So for those reading, listening, watching. Matt wants me in General Hospital. Badly. Done. Bowens. General Hospital. Done. Substance?

Monstro returns.

And then Monstro Eliassi wants to work at Starbucks and she's just got to be a girl getting her shit together in West Hollywood and like roommates.

I don't know.

But, like, so I went to the movie with my friend Eris, who, like, does, like, amazing. I'm sorry. Eris?

Eris Tor? Oh, wow.

E-R-I-S, Eris, they.

Who left last year because he was so overwhelmed.

Eris, but, like, the Final Fantasy character.

Yes. My friend Eris, who does practical effects, who did all the practical effects, and Sarah Beck. We went, we went together. And when that happened, legit stood up.

Yeah. I didn't think people in the theater we saw it with were like screaming, laughing the whole time, but I don't think they, they didn't, they, they didn't feel like they had permission to stand and cheer, but it's cheer. It's cheering. It's cheering. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wait.

And now this is a circuit.

And that was like the encapsulation of the problem, which is like people, they're forgetting that it's a game and they're like, literally like you're literally being evil. And I'm thinking you're a traitor.

So this is like, you know what I mean? It's different. Yeah.

I was like, this rules. I love that movie. And I loved Demi. Oh, I loved Demi.

Can you believe?

That's crazy.

How old is anyone?

I'm bouncing around. I'm so crazy. But I was like, it just scared me to think that we wouldn't be bringing this up. My neighbor. Wait, this is so back. This is not what we're talking about.

I'm not.

What? My neighbor is a brain scientist.

Legit. Sometimes I am kind of like, should I knock on her door and ask her if it's normal that I can feel the veins in my eyes?

Knock, knock, knock.

Hi.

Not me getting an aura ring and refreshing the app every five seconds.

But everything is. everything is because actually isn't all reality culture number 94 it's not the brain but everything is we've never had a rule like that like the gate itself yeah yeah well all I'm saying is that all reality is consciousness so period wait can you walk through that it's just like we could all be like literally in my dream right now

Sorry, we could all be in like Trump's dream.

It is.

It's like, I just, I'm sorry, I can't get over that he had fucking YMCA.

The movie. Oh, wait.

I pledged to watch that.

And did it get like a little bit where people worried about it?

They're still worried about it.

Why?

And Sebastian Stan's Oscars, I'm sorry, Golden Globes piece was like, we cannot move in fear. Is this leaf distracting?

I just, I have more proof that that's the funniest word in history. Chikorita. The that.

I was your friend and you, I was offended by that. And I was offended by that.

Wait, what was it?

Yeah, I can't quote that. That's one of the craziest moments.

Garbage horror?

Garbage horror.

The fact that she came back from that with, like the fact that- Oh yeah, it's unbelievable.

Wait, so then how have they healed from that?

Girl, when fucking Heather said about Whitney, like that she's a piece of shit.

You're being evil right now. Wait, do you guys think, like it's like Dorinda's acting evil right now.

Oh, two things I want to say. Please tell me when... I'm afraid that when people see me, they see Bronwyn.

Like, when Bronwyn walks into the room wearing Ronald McDonald's... It's a costume.

Mama!

And it's like forgetting the fact that it was, well, that's why they have to say Alan Cumming chose. So that they remember that evil is not inherent. It's a construction. Because then they get lost in the sauce and they go like, they start crying. They're like, I have to leave because evil is afoot. To think that people could possess evil.

But you don't see, that's not what I'm like, right? When I walk in with my eye sauce on his head, it's like you don't see like hot dog on a stick.

I think that you're Lisa and you're Meredith.

Yeah.

I'm crying.

You look like a trampoline with eyes.

Crying.

How can you not laugh? It's like, I feel that way, by the way.

Who's Pagliacci? Can you do me a really big favor? Can you look up Doctor Who. Like a skin stretched out person.

That's trampoline with eyes.

Wait, can you do this thing? Insert image here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop.

Oh, yeah. Subscribe to Lost Culture Recess here.

Okay, my neighbor who's a brain scientist.

If we're brave enough.

We have to go to work.

Me, by the way, me really too.

Pussy grabs back. You thought pussy was sitting on the shelf? Well, guess what? It was sitting on the shelf so long in the cabinet in the dark that it became one of those potatoes with the little arms growing out.

That's actually really good. Scare him off a little bit.

And this actually goes into the other second thing I had to say with coming into the studio with a gun.

I'm going to say the culture that was for me. When the pussy's on the shelf, David Lynch, wish you could drag that.

Okay, so my neighbor's a brain scientist.

She said that global warming.

That's why my brain's always rolling around in my head like a marble. Yeah, exactly.

One time my boyfriend drew a picture of me that was little peanut head and me screaming, pay attention to me. And he called it peanut head bitch.

Or like... Wait, you got obsessed with that one bomber.

There's something like amazing about... No, it's an amazing moment when you transform. I just, it's like ever... It's just like, listen, I am grateful for this job because so many things, but the fact that for a job I get to wear a wig and go, oh...

There was a wig that was so perfect on Sarah that, and I don't mean to like out you as anything like narcissistic.

I texted you guys and I was like, so when are you going to ask me what culture is for me?

Yeah.

I did the substance mirror thing. Yeah. But positive. But positive. You did it, but you were like, oh, oh, oh.

I felt about when I had my Tina Turner wig. I had a Tina Turner wig in that Pongo sketch. It was insert image here.

And one time I had to wear a Reba wig.

And it was like, I was kind of like.

Not per se. But in a way, well, all actresses have, you know, it was kind of channeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was amazing.

When you were singing in the hallway and it was resounding and reverberating, I was like the all funny drained out of my body. And I was just living in like pure, honest moment. And I was just like, wow, that's really kind.

Oh, what?

What did your neighbors say?

Okay, okay. Go pee, girl. How bad is it?

Okay, so my neighbor said that climate change, you really can tell that- Is here.

Trump.

Really, Trump? Come on now, girl. Greenland.

Do you want to talk about it again? And it explains actually how I feel about the nature of good and evil.

Get real. Greenland, really? Leave it alone. Really?

She said that global warming, you know that global warming is happening because dogs have, dog bites are up. Because they're, the ozone, dogs like are breathing in ozone and it's making them go crazy. And the first thing I said was Bronwyn.

Yeah, no, literally. You know what's crazy?

You know those dogs were named after Let Me Be Frank. Like, they're young dogs.

But don't those dogs look like newer than that?

I thought all of her dogs looked really young and I was like, that's crazy that she named them that recently. I am looking at the dogs and they don't look old enough to be from OG seasons.

This is the laughing episode. Well, it can be explained. Let's just take a moment because we're about to miss the worldwide meditation because we're recording this podcast in honor of David Lynch's memory.

They took the substance. Group minds, group minds. Group minds, group minds. When you can get in a rhythm, ride the wave, babe. One foot in the grave and another on appeal.

You know what I mean, banana.

Time was an evil man. Kyle hey girl girl.

Girl, you got to speak truth to power. Yeah.

She's the power.

Just speak. Be honest.

Say, okay, say I'm gay or say I was gay for a second or say Mauricio cheated on me with Dorit. Just say it.

And you know what? You know what? I changed everything. That woman was mauled.

You know what?

You said that like Yoda. The phrase goes, I'll believe. Just someone look at me dead in your eyes. It's too funny. That's too funny.

Kyle by Nosferatu.

Britney could have played that.

My top two of the year are The Substance and The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Period.

It's about to rack up. I think I was literally thinking I was sitting on the toilet as I, you know, as I do, as we all do.

And actually, did you find out? That's what I was going to say.

Did you know you're not supposed to sit on the toilet for longer than 10 minutes? Have you ever?

I really do. And you actually know about mine, too.

Bowen, would you say that you were dry as your mother's vagina?

What am I thinking of What Remains? Is that an Oprah's bestseller?

Of course.

Does anyone know? Could anyone do the stand up set by heart?

Get your lighters up.

Is that an Oprah's bestseller? What Remains.

Yes, that was amazing.

Good.

Does anyone have the capability of Googling?

You think the comedy cellar was built in a day?

Yes!

What Remains.

No, her house is too pointy. I would be afraid.

What else? What else? Your head. What else?

I'm a visual learner.

Oh, awesome. What Remains. Another thing I've accessed in a dream.

When I look at her house, I go, if I was too high, I would fall and hit my head on one of those pointy marble slabs.

Don't bring kids into my refrigerator house.

And then her mom ate guacamole and said, my green ice cream or something.

What was her name? Like, I don't know. Tippi Hedren or something.

I feel like it kind of was that. What was it?

What did I say?

You're thinking of...

Mine's like, you guys are going to have to edit it out. It's going to be so fucking brutal.

And I'm speaking my truth. You know this is true. I know the clock is running out. I'll take my time.

Santa Maria Novella. I don't think so, honey, that you reformulated my patchouli. I have been wearing the same patchouli from Santa Maria Novella for five years. I went to go buy another bottle, spray it on me. I go, I'm sorry, why is it not spraying sticky? Why is it not so sticky? Why is it not coming out smelling like balsamic vinaigrette and stank? and rank. Why does it not?

It couldn't be that.

Why does it smell nice? Why does it smell like a dog peed on me? You changed it. I called the office in Italy. They've been making perfumes there in an apothecary. Monks make the perfumes since the 1600s in Tuscany. Five seconds. I call them and I say, you reformulated. They said, no, we didn't. I go, but when I spray my shirt, it's not stained brown because that was old formula.

You're thinking of The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck.

My old patchouli formulation. You used to spray it on your shirt. There would be a big brown stain like you spilled soy sauce on you.

Just the way I like it. This is just too brutal.

I legit think that's what I'm thinking of.

The bottle would be so sticky, brown, sticky all over like syrup. You couldn't even touch it. I used to be able to walk into a fucking elevator and everyone would go, whoa, whoa. Get a job, hippie. And now it smells nice. And then they gaslight me, and I call, and I was like, hey, you guys.

This Italian woman is like, no, it's the same. I email every email.

Buongiorno.

No.

Mamma mia, that's a patchouli pizza.

No, I'm not. Actra down.

I do think we do have to be taking a moment for Last Culture East to say David Lynch.

Actra.

So you know what I have to do? I have to go on eBay. I have to Google Santa Maria Novella patchouli. And guess what comes up? Bottles literally with one tablespoon of the patchouli left. And I'm buying it for $150 because that's how badly I want it. And everybody knows. And that's why everyone on eBay is upcharging.

Because they're buying and they are trying to upsell thimbles left of this old patchouli formulation. So I beg you, Santa Miranda, I know the platform that this podcast has.

I know what the power of Las Culturitas is. So in conclusion. I don't think so, honey. The gaslighting of women on a day, week like this.

Because remember how upset I was?