Sarah Silverman
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Hey y'all, it's your old pal Sarah Silverman and I'm back in New York City where now weed is so legal they have stores. Stores with weed. I mean, what is this, 23 other states? Great, but could I find someone to smoke this fancy new legal weed with? Do you guys smoke pot?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
You buy it from the store now or do you guys still, are you loyal to your old dealers?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
I noticed a couple of you have walkie talkies. Is it for work?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Hey, this is Sarah Silverman. I just want to let you know that Curtis has diarrhea and he might be a little bit late. Okay, well, these guys didn't get stoner comedy, but maybe I'd find some bud buddies at one of the new licensed dispensaries, like the Union Square Travel Agency, where buying drugs feels like, well, a little bit like making an appointment at the Not-So-Genius bar.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
I love it. When I first moved to New York City, the way I got weed was I'd call my dealer or get into his Toyota Yaris and have to sit in a smelly car while I listened to his band's demo. And here, I mean, are you in a band?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
It's refreshing. Instead of dealers without professional boundaries, these new dispensaries have weed baristas, aka bud tenders. I want the giggles and the creativity of a sativa with the feeling like I'm being held by a 16-foot man, cradled like a baby. We have something for that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Do you have anything that I can put up anally, like as a backstory of some kind? Not with weed in it, just anything. Not here. Are you high right now?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
I'd like to speak to a manager, please. Non-high weed dealers? What a strange new world. At least the customers were just like in the old days. What are you guys gonna do when you're high?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
What's brownies? Is that some kind of sex euphemism?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Oh, that sounds good. That's right up my alley. Can I get high with you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
When it's time to get intimate, you know. One of you guys will have to leave.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
We'll pick straws. And people aren't just using weed to enhance their eating and love making.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
It's like I feel like you smoke pot and you realize that nothing you're worried about matters. Yeah. I mean basically we're already dead. These users were so stoked on their legal weed, it seems like anyone could sell it to them. Notes of hickory. Like anyone at all. What ills are you trying to solve with drugs?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Yeah, just ultimate high. We can do that with this. That's going to be $738. For an ace? It is expensive, but it is cheaper than therapy. All in all, it's crazy to think that something you can buy now for a lot of money in a fancy store used to get people sent to prison. And many are still there. There are people here that were put in prison for weed crimes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
It would be great if there was a radical exchange of wealth with people who have served time for something that politicians are making millions from now. Absolutely. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm stoned. I still hadn't found anyone to smoke with besides the horny brownie lovers, but as usual, New York City didn't let me down. This is crazy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
We're actually doing a story about people smoking weed in New York.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Yeah, if he has a picture of it, it's definitely true. Which led me to address the most serious question that this issue had raised. I've got a dog at home. Like, do you think she loves me, or do you think it's just like I'm the person that feeds her, so she just plays ball?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
I guess it doesn't really matter whether you get your weed from a fancy dispensary or as part of some tragically misguided drug war, as long as you smoke it with a friend. My dog is love. I could cry. That's so beautiful. Love. My dog is love. Love made a mess on the carpet.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously, why do we give people roses? They are already dying the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a hospice patient. Love them while you can. Just try to keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than Rose's, stealing people's money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
That's right. You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And she said another red flag is if the person has an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh, my God. Am I a scammer? Well, for more on these romance scams, we turn to Michael Kosta. Michael, it's... It is so sad to hear about this, especially on Valentine's Day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
You're very smart, Michael. But let's focus on the romantic scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
You're catfishing your own grandmother?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
I'm sure the dogs are grateful, but how does catfishing your grandmother even work? Take me through this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day
I guess in its own way, this is actually like a loving thing, Michael. I hope all the men out there love their grandmas enough to seduce them.