Sarah Tollemache

I'm on the edge.

That's appalling.

You get Hamas now.

That's how I felt too.

He says it on the thing. Wow. That's Trump's age, I believe. Yeah.

Okay. I'm the greatest therapist of all time. That's a good soda, Alan. Oh, you're a pussy.

Blue cardigan. That was ugly Ari. Yikes. Oh, mama.

Oh, wow. I had to go to Staples.

Interesting. Massad? Huh? Oh, sorry. Thinking of Ari.

No sleep. It's psychotic. Screaming, shitting.

Really?

Right.

No, that's it. Well, we're all about reaction. You know, we want to kill, we want to do well, and you're just bombing with this baby all day.

Yeah, he's cute. I love it. Doug Key has a six month old?

Yeah, something like that. And he's like, you get a smirk of a smile and you're like, oh my God.

But what about when you see the pre-check line is longer than the other line? And you're like, how did we get here?

Well, it sounds like you might start.

Yeah, that's true.

That is tough. Don't you ever think, how the hell did babies survive in the Middle Ages? Because they need so much. A lot of them didn't. I think you have eight. You have like a lot of babies. Oh, you have eight. That's true.

Yeah. They would just work. That was the other thing. Back in the day, you had a staff. Yeah. It was like eight kids were now plowing the field and milking the cow.

We're thinking about fucking a baby, because people, they diddle babies, but like... Yeah, fucking a baby, I hope. You can't. How are you going to fuck a baby? I always wondered that. Like that b-hole is like, it's like a thread in a needle.

Now we're a sponsor.

Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by HIMS. Guys, we don't always know when that intimate moment's going to come up. Make sure you're ready with HIMS. HIMS is a treatment that can help you stay hard and last longer, giving you confidence wherever you need.

You'll get access to a range of doctor-trusted ED treatments, chewable hard mints, like Viagra, Cialis, or the generic versions, but for 95% off. Whoa! You never know, folks. Take that pill. I love hymns. Rock hard. Plow in the pregnant wife. She's loving it. Thank God for hymns. This has got to be the thing old people are the most mad about.

Like back in my day, we had to walk eight miles uphill and we had no boner. Now everybody's got a boner. You don't need insurance. Pay one low price for treatments, online visits, ongoing shipments, and provider messaging. Don't let ED get you down. Get it up with HIMS. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash drunk.

That's H-I-M-S dot com slash drunk for your personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash drunk. The product mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply.

See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.

That's much easier to fuck.

Yeah, of course. No one thinks they're going to be the parent who shows other people the kid photo, but every parent has done it in my existence. Yeah, and you know when you do it. I'm going to do it, I guess.

Of course.

Yeah. Wouldn't you love to do that just once? Because everybody goes, oh, my God, how about that? Just go, eh, I don't care. It's ugly. It's like every other baby.

You know? I thought about that.

Yeah, just go with it. Now it's a fantasy.

Yeah. Great movie. Both of them. What about strippers? You go to a strip club. Do you kind of go, ah, that was a baby. Where's the mom? Where's the dad? Are you still cool with that?

Yeah.

What about when a baby goes by? Decent ass.

But what about the fact that it's your baby?

How do you know it's actually cute? You're going to be biased.

I've seen some ugly babies out there. I've never heard a parent go, damn, my kid's pretty ugly. They can't say it, but they... You think they know? Of course they know. I don't know about that.

It is.

Big blues.

This is the best baby.

Yeah. The Admiral. The Admiral. The fish. Yeah, that's the Admiral Fish guy. And then there's Mr. Bean all the way on the back right.

Which one?

Yeah, he's cute.

I can see that.

He kind of looks like Truman.

Oh, there is Mr. Bean.

Oh, that one looks like a ball sack. It's all wrinkly. Look at the Today one. Good lord. Yeah, some of these are bumming me out. That's like a nose job. The black one's not bad.

As Gillis.

I feel like I could sell some tickets. Throw in a baby page. Yeah, you're like, I really... What about modeling? Would you be down for that?

No.

Begrudgingly, but he still comes. That is true. Finding Your Dad's podcast is the new Finding Your Dad's porn, because it's just like, you're going to be like, I love getting jizzed on by men. I know.

Right. Or all of our. It's going to be pretty common, I think.

Well, there is a microchip in there, obviously.

Good point.

Your mom? Yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, she doesn't even get fruit baskets.

Oh. So I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. All right. I guess I am. Remember we went to London? Yes. Yes. Me and him did a TV show in London. They got us free first class tickets. And the wife was like, I want to go to London. And I was like, all right. And it was the same thing. So she sat in the way back of the plane. And I'm in the international first class. It was a whole other ball game.

Yeah, of course. And on stage, you're heightened and you're trying to be funny. But you forget that people don't really talk like we talk in the real world.

Isn't that weird?

Yeah.

No. And you're talking about a phone.

Look at that face. Don't be a twat. Yeah.

but it's so true i did a show in uh louisiana my whole family came out mom dad cousins aunt uncle it was brutal i'm trying to clean it up in real time i'm like and that flipping cum shop you know like oh what am i doing and then we all had dinner later and it was so quiet and weird it was brutal damn it was do you think they didn't enjoy it or they were just too proper or

I think we just were waspy, you know, Gentiles in Louisiana. So we all just pretended it didn't happen and kept going and talked about Trump getting shot.

You know who else did this?

I know. You know what's the deal with these rappers? You ever listen to a Cardi B song? It's like, then he put his dick in my ass and I screamed fast or whatever. I can't rap. But do they go to lunch? I guess they don't have parents, rappers. I assume.

Yeah, but those songs, those Nicki Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion. She's pretty good. Is she? I mean, I'm not saying they're not talented. I'm just saying it's filthy stuff. I mean, Wet Ass Pussy is the name of a song. That's the title.

Who knows what's in the tune?

And that was a fight. Did you bring her back a roller? I did. I gave her a pat of butter. Just the butter. But yeah, that was a rough plane ride. Yeah, what can you do? Six hours later, we made up. Well, she should grab herself by her bootstraps.

It was for someone else. But in their world, it's on the internet.

As your mother.

But at least we have an outlet. I'd rather deal with some of this backlash and have awkward dinners with my folks every now and then than just keep it buttoned up for the rest of my life at some bank job.

Yeah. And it's just who we are. I don't even think we're trying to be that outrageous. No. I'm actually dialing it back.

Yeah. Can you imagine going through life in a cubicle and all that? I mean, I used to work in corporate America. It was not easy.

Oh, it was terrifying. She was not happy. It was a risk. It was a real risk. It was a risk that paid off.

Oh, she flipped.

She flipped, but we got the clip.

I think it was the bed. I'm on his bed.

Yeah.

Well, I'm a comedian. I love it. You take risks, but yeah. That is a big swing. Well, remember that Curb episode where he's like... Your wife? Oh, no, your kid. He's got a pretty big dick. And he's like, how could you say my kid has a big dick? He's like, you can say my wife has a nice dick. And then later, Jeff is like, why would you say his kid's got a big dick? He goes, I took a risk.

Yeah. This is pre-pregnant. Good point. That was a great time. Great trip. Horrible TV show.

And I've never related to a moment more in that show.

I don't know.

He's good on Twitter every now and then. Like he'll zing Lewis or something and it's pretty funny.

Oh, great. All right. I can't wait to see him.

I'll feel it out. I'll steer clear, and I won't follow him.

He said so. Oh, all right. You guys got any peeves?

Oh, I got peeves. I got big peeves. I wrote down some peeves. I got one. I blew my wad on the last show, but I got a couple left. I think I got one. How about this? Please.

Oh, I can't wait.

Piece of shit. It was trash. It was a bad show. It was bad. But boy, they whipped us into shape. I remember I showed up and you're like, you're in for it, fatty. They're going to kill you. And I hadn't done a lick of work.

Interacting is a bummer because you've got to do a bullshit small talk. But I'm with you on this because I think people want to sit in their car. They like the car. I notice people will go get food in my neighborhood and sit in their car and eat it, which to me is so sad. Yeah, I'd rather stand on the sidewalk and eat it.

Yeah, me and Salicus went to In-N-Out in L.A., and he wanted to do drive-thru, and I said, park it. The In-N-Out line is like a mile long in that driveway. God, it's a line. It's a little line.

Don't take a cruise then.

That's crazy.

Yeah. How about those people who they bring you up and they wait a little? They want to absorb some of that applause and they start walking slow and you're like, what are you doing? How long do you expect these people to applaud you?

You're like a bullshit comic, and they're like... No one knows you. Looking up to the risers. Yeah. I hate that. I also hate when comics do this.

Oh, that's not good. That drives me fucking crazy. What are you, Hulk Hogan?

I was like, the problem's Louie. I don't want to put it out there like he was mad, but... He doesn't like a good behind-the-back gag.

I can see that. He's, like, goof-trooping behind them. That is actually pretty infuriating. It's crazy, but also hilarious. Yeah. Well, isn't it funny how comedians want to get laughs, but they don't want to be the butt? We don't want to be the butt of the joke real bad. Of course, yeah.

I stayed up all night. I did it all night or I crammed all day. I had books open.

That's true.

These are good peeves. I'm with you. You've got to get off the bus, get some air. We're not taking a lot of buses these days. That's true. Thank you, folks. The cruise, though, I did a cruise, the Burt cruise, and we docked in the Bahamas. So you're like, I got to go see the Bahamas. But you do have that crazy fear of that thing. And you're like, no, it's pulling away.

And you're stuck in the Bahamas picking coconuts.

It was like that times 10 for like two weeks.

Right.

Yeah, what do you got there, Stripey?

Oh my God. It's the best.

Ooh, Texas gal.

Yeah, well, they gave in smaller. I mean, there's some real, it's like a tub. Right. Like a rectangle this big.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you get a toe in, basically.

Didn't he just die?

Yeah, yeah. Also, there was a guy who was a famous walker from New Orleans. Famous guy who was a walker. His whole thing was walking, and he died walking. He had a heart attack. What's that guy's name? I can't think of his name.

We're comedians. Remember that breakfast though at that hotel? Woo! That was something else.

Paul Walker. He did die. Maybe he flipped his car. His whole thing was like the walking guy. That was like his thing. You got to get out and walk. You got to get steps. And then he died. Got a heart attack while walking.

Is the kid cool with it? Or is he doing it while he's sleeping?

Oh, I have seen this guy.

Yeah, he's too smooth. Yeah, it's a little weird. He's like an android. Yes.

How old is he? Don't die, don't die, don't die.

Oh, he looks good. Wow.

Yeah.

No, definitely not fun. This guy's a nightmare to hang out with, I guarantee you. Hand this guy a Dorito. He probably goes to bed at like 7 p.m. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is that Grandpa? Jesus Christ. These guys are all fucking. Yeah, it looks sexual.

Oh, I hate the international lounge. It's just different. It's different. Yeah, I don't know. But it makes you realize we're number one, baby. We got a croissant, which I guess is French. But we got all kinds of good stuff. Look at this pile of miscarriage over here.

You're living long, but horribly. We had a friend... We all died 63.

Wait, bless you. I loved a rotisserie. Me too.

I don't even remember that. Yeah. All right, I'll leave this for a pee. Ah, that worse. Oh, here he is with some Kardashians. Man, that guy is smooth.

Well, this one's kind of easy and hacky and we've all seen it, but it happened to me so bad the other day that I couldn't... The lady at the restaurant who orders a ton of shit on the menu and has to take a photo of every food item.

Oh, he does that? Yes. Oh, my God. Like, I couldn't eat. She's like, hold on, hold on. It was like six of us at a restaurant. And she's like laying it all out. So then she stood up on the chair and did one of these to get all of it. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to eat the food. Everything came out. She had to get up.

It was a very pretty presentation. I think she just wanted it. We were at this dim someplace in Midtown. Yeah, really good dim. That's what I ordered. And it was, the food was great, but it was very cool looking and they'd open it and like smoke would come out and all that shit. They're inviting it.

Yeah. Like, imagine if you were in an orgy and you're like, let me get those tits. Like, no, I want to squeeze them.

Right. So it ruined the whole sum.

Yeah, take all the photos you want, but let me eat normally. I had to wait and be like, you good? Am I alright? Can I go in on the dumps now? So that was a problem. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. And I guarantee she won't even post anything. I think she's just like, you never know.

Quite a stream on that.

Of course. Yeah. And a hook shot. Yeah.

And I also do.

openly next to each other well it's very efficient when men are all about in and out efficiency it's not about feelings or privacy our line does move but i heard this statistically ariel elias has a joke is because something about you guys don't wash your hands matter is that no who does not after urinating i do what you're a lady

One night I did Alaska. I think I drank too much. Philippines. Now see, I have a theory. You go to some towns, and there's these urinals. See the white ones there with the red? What's that red writing to the right? Oh, yeah. You see those all over, like very white towns. You get the partition in Mixed Town, because I think black guys came in, and you had to... You can't compete.

Yes.

You don't want to see the dick and you don't want him seeing yours. He's coming in there with that thing with a fucking magnum light.

Absolutely, yeah. But I think it's newly diverse. I don't think they've upgraded.

That's all white. Okay. There's no partition in deep Alabama. Huh. Check it out. Get your head on when you go to these towns, and I guarantee you there's no partition in Salt Lake City.

Yeah, bad food, bad weather, bad teeth. Vaginas are bad, too. Dry.

Oh, those are classic. Yeah, yeah.

That's a lot of piss bit on those urinals. You want to do bits? Sure. Or Rex.

But that might be a totally different Lone Star. It's a common term. Was it a Texas cop?

That's a good feeling when you buy it off a shot and it turns out great.

This is the whole movie.

So it starts about a record store, but he actually goes inward on himself.

Hit me with it.

I can't wait.

What?

That's a slug right there.

She's big.

82.

Yeah, yeah. Here's some tips.

Yeah, I hear she's a nightmare to hang out with, but great jugs. Yeah, that movie's good.

That's my rec.

Good one. I gotta tell you, I just watched Going Clear. I've been on a Gibney doc. That's a good one. Love Gibney. Yeah. Did you see the Paul Simon? Yeah. Snoozefest. Yeah, it wasn't the best. It wasn't the best.

Oh, man.

Really? Well, you guys both watched the Pete Rose. Yeah.

I got to watch that.

That should have made me laugh that hard. No, that was just sitting there.

Oh yeah, that's great. Love a good doc. You ever seen the exit to the gift shop? Oh, yeah.

He's the funniest guy.

Ah, were you able to?

In the grand scheme of movie making, pretty cheap.

Do you get like a nickel? I guess that goes to Louis.

We were on a curve.

Oh, thanks. Everybody liked it that saw it.

Boy, they throw that box office USD right up there, don't they? Yeah. Good Lord. I really kind of nailed it.

Yeah, I hate a fruit basket. You ever gotten an edible arrangement? No. It stinks. It's just like mangoes on sticks and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Same thing happened with Horace and Pete. I think everybody was like, what the fuck is this thing? And then he sold it for millions to FX or something.

That's going to sell out.

You think you got a hot new 50? Yeah.

Wow. What the hell?

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

oh for sure yeah those ones that kind of shot in like studios yeah what a weird place to shoot this and that regan improv with whichever one that is it's one of the i walked the moon my number one all time yeah one of the great specials and you feel like you're at the club it's so good yeah so i'm uh yeah i'm excited we'll see what do you got tolamash i got my special coming out that one's old i should update my website god you look gorgeous sarah

It's bad. Now they got these boxes of food they send you, and they put like an ice cube in the bottom. But the ice cube always melts, and the food goes bad.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Think of this.

Matt, can you crack a window in the car? All right. Maybe I got one that's similar, but it's got no ending. Oh, perfect. Okay, sorry. Oof. Ugh. So I got this idea where I saw a guy puke on the subway car, like puked right on it. A guy saw it. He puked because, you know, he's like, oh, you know, and then I got a whiff and I almost yacked. And I thought it's weird a puking makes you have to puke.

And I thought, why can't orgasms be like that? And that hits. And then I go, that would actually make the guy rubbing around the subway like a good thing. You know, now you see a guy like rubbing out. You're like, look at this piece. Yeah.

that's funny but then i don't know where to go so i got the two laughs there and then nothing well i would start rubbing it out too in order to get an orgasm like it's only a smell right oh like what are you yeah i guess i i went off smell it's just like i saw a guy puke but yeah orgasm why yeah that's that's that's a good point i would go the other way though i'm like then a guy drinking up the subway would really be a problem

Right. I'll break my wife. She can finally get off.

I like that it's a problem more. Yeah. Because I went with, hey, this is great. Right. But that's less funny. Okay, okay.

All right. Anything, Mom?

Oh, yeah. It's a tip, right?

It was like granola and yogurt. It was $40. Just go boop, boop, boop. And they get used to it. Then if you don't do it, they give you a look. Right. You're the asshole.

What about with the iPad? Just to throw it back on them, she's like, it's going to ask you a question, and you go, I can't read. Yeah. So now she's got to say it.

I'm blind. I'm so stupid. I'm blind to something. I'm Amish. I don't know what this is.

Yeah, no less tipping. You're like, oh, there's a 20. Give him a dollar. That's not bad.

We all are. It's an epidemic.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah. And then people go like, well, these are hard times for people. The economy is out of control. You're like, but it's out of control for me, too.

I don't know that.

See, when hobos get hip to factor, they're going to be eating like kings. They're already porch pirates stealing everything. When they find a factor box, that's food for a week. You need a microwave, don't you? No. Hobos, they eat out of the trash. They're not going to be like, oh, this is going to need a microwave oven. They're eating garbage. Sorry. What was that factor?

Comedian.

That's a great comedy town.

Hell yeah. All right, folks, get some Bodega Cat.

It'll be back by then.

Hey, coming to St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Come out to that Newport, Rhode Island for that Rogue Island Comedy Festival, Monterey, Oakland, Winnipeg, Pegme, Cleveland. I'm also doing hilarities before Sam, so I'm sneaking in. He's getting sloppy seconds.

Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater. That's a fun one. Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, wherever that is, and Charleston, Nashville, Nola, Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood. So yeah, check it out. Get on the Punch-Up. Watch Sarah's special. Go to Town Hall. Check out Amazon. We all got stuff out there. Give it a go. Give it a look.

Yes.

Hell yeah. Yeah, good Soundgarden song. Thanks, folks. Get a bottle. We'll see you in hell.

It does.

Sorry. Butt pirate. Classic. I haven't heard that one in a while. Porch pirate would be, I guess, black?

That one's actually worse than pirate.

Yeah.

You pull out the telescope and then you put it in him. A vast ye penis. Yes. Hey, look at that butt pirate. There you go. Pillow biter is pretty clever. Whoever came up with pillow biter, that guy deserves a high five.

Or, you know, whatever. True, true. Whoever's biting the pillow. Well, a cocksucker would be a woman, too. Absolutely. Right? Unlike Sarah. Yeah.

No way. Maybe a birthday. Maybe. Remember the hookup coupons? Is that a thing?

Right. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. You know, like this is good for one hand job, one BJ.

Ooh. That's how you should do it.

Some lipstick on. Yeah. I would give one to my mom, not a hookup one. When I was a kid, I was like, here you go, one free clean the kitchen, one hug, you know, one foot rub. You never did that?

No.

You gave your mom a foot rub? What the hell? Yeah, I gave my mom foot rubs all the time. Great son.

You can't get down there.

Washcloth. I mean, I know of jizz rag. I've never heard of a washcloth. Yeah, I don't have one either. Who am I kidding? Weird.

Hey, we're here. We might be drunk. Look at this. We got old Sammy the Bull as usual. And then our special guest, the prom king and queen. Absolutely. Joe List and Sarah Tolomash.

I never do.

It ages you.

What about these stogies? That can't be helping the crackle.

That's a nice epidermis you got there.

Sober.

Goosebumps? The great book. The pricklies. Yeah. I'll go stubble because I know that she's been shaving. But if you get a full on hippie chick with the Robin Williams arms in there, that's not happening.

There's a hot, smoking hot waitress at one of the comedy clubs. I'm not going to get specific, but she's very hot. And the other day she did one of these. Yeah. And I saw a big old Richard Simmons come out of there. I almost quit working that club.

Yeah, exactly. God damn it.

No way. Yeah. Pull it up. Playboy?

They put it right on the crease of the page. That was smart.

I get it that it's like counterculture. She's pushing back on the man, but not a fan. But I think, though.

Yeah.

Well, Ari also gets a Mohawk, you know, every two months. He's riding a skateboard. Yeah, exactly. It's like Bart Simpson. Yeah, he's wearing a suit like the Riddler.

I thought that was his most offensive look.

Which one?

The one where he had the bald man. Oh, that was for the bachelor party.

With the mustache?

yeah handsome's a stretch obviously it's weird because he looks better wow that's rough he looks like uh like a terrorist osama bin laden yeah jesus he uh he looks better now than he did in like the early 2000s when he had that kind of jewy curl yeah with the crazy glasses he looked really bad even before that because that's he's getting it together here