Sarah Wildman

You're not supposed to incur joy in some way. You're not supposed to go out of your way to do something that's particularly delightful unless it has to do with your work. As a parent who's lost a child, you can do whatever you want. I found this fascinating. Completely destabilizing. I wanted them to tell me that I needed a policy of abnegation.

I wanted them to tell me that you should be recognized as a mourner every day because in truth, in the modern world, you are seen as a mourner. Someone who's lost a child is seen differently, is sort of outside society all the time. And yet, because these rules were set in antiquity, when unfortunately child loss was far more prevalent— You had no rules. You could do whatever you wanted.

I wanted them to tell me that you should be recognized as a mourner every day because in truth, in the modern world, you are seen as a mourner. Someone who's lost a child is seen differently, is sort of outside society all the time. And yet, because these rules were set in antiquity, when unfortunately child loss was far more prevalent— You had no rules. You could do whatever you wanted.

I wanted them to tell me that you should be recognized as a mourner every day because in truth, in the modern world, you are seen as a mourner. Someone who's lost a child is seen differently, is sort of outside society all the time. And yet, because these rules were set in antiquity, when unfortunately child loss was far more prevalent— You had no rules. You could do whatever you wanted.

And that felt like you were in free fall. And so we started to sort of change things a little bit. And, you know, one thing Orly did really early on after the first brain tumor and that when she got back on a surfboard and got back on a bike, one day she biked off from me. we had been gifted a house, a very, very tiny, beautiful little space on Martha's Vineyard. And she'd biked away from me.

And that felt like you were in free fall. And so we started to sort of change things a little bit. And, you know, one thing Orly did really early on after the first brain tumor and that when she got back on a surfboard and got back on a bike, one day she biked off from me. we had been gifted a house, a very, very tiny, beautiful little space on Martha's Vineyard. And she'd biked away from me.

And that felt like you were in free fall. And so we started to sort of change things a little bit. And, you know, one thing Orly did really early on after the first brain tumor and that when she got back on a surfboard and got back on a bike, one day she biked off from me. we had been gifted a house, a very, very tiny, beautiful little space on Martha's Vineyard. And she'd biked away from me.

And I found her sitting on a jetty, looking out to the sea with a book and a journal. And she said, this is what I needed. This is so good for my mental health. And it was just all this beauty. And she was able to take in that beauty. And I thought, okay, that's what she tried to do. That's what we'll do in this first year morning period in free fall. And when we don't have to do anything.

And I found her sitting on a jetty, looking out to the sea with a book and a journal. And she said, this is what I needed. This is so good for my mental health. And it was just all this beauty. And she was able to take in that beauty. And I thought, okay, that's what she tried to do. That's what we'll do in this first year morning period in free fall. And when we don't have to do anything.

And I found her sitting on a jetty, looking out to the sea with a book and a journal. And she said, this is what I needed. This is so good for my mental health. And it was just all this beauty. And she was able to take in that beauty. And I thought, okay, that's what she tried to do. That's what we'll do in this first year morning period in free fall. And when we don't have to do anything.

We don't have to say a prayer every day. We're not recognized in the community in the same way. So we're going to have to reset this and make our own path.

We don't have to say a prayer every day. We're not recognized in the community in the same way. So we're going to have to reset this and make our own path.

We don't have to say a prayer every day. We're not recognized in the community in the same way. So we're going to have to reset this and make our own path.

I mean, I think all parents feel at some point that they're failing in both spaces. But strangely for me, work was an enormous respite. For one, I leaned heavily into editing a lot of the time during Orly's illness. And I would edit at crazy hours, you know. Ian and I would trade off every day at the hospital, 24 hours on, 24 hours off.

I mean, I think all parents feel at some point that they're failing in both spaces. But strangely for me, work was an enormous respite. For one, I leaned heavily into editing a lot of the time during Orly's illness. And I would edit at crazy hours, you know. Ian and I would trade off every day at the hospital, 24 hours on, 24 hours off.

I mean, I think all parents feel at some point that they're failing in both spaces. But strangely for me, work was an enormous respite. For one, I leaned heavily into editing a lot of the time during Orly's illness. And I would edit at crazy hours, you know. Ian and I would trade off every day at the hospital, 24 hours on, 24 hours off.

But I could edit at 2 in the morning, in the dark, while she slept. And it would allow me to focus for an hour, two hours, five hours, in increments, away from the trauma of my immediate present. And... I also think it gave me a different sense of the world's vulnerabilities. I would often say this to people after Orly died, that I understand loss differently.

But I could edit at 2 in the morning, in the dark, while she slept. And it would allow me to focus for an hour, two hours, five hours, in increments, away from the trauma of my immediate present. And... I also think it gave me a different sense of the world's vulnerabilities. I would often say this to people after Orly died, that I understand loss differently.

But I could edit at 2 in the morning, in the dark, while she slept. And it would allow me to focus for an hour, two hours, five hours, in increments, away from the trauma of my immediate present. And... I also think it gave me a different sense of the world's vulnerabilities. I would often say this to people after Orly died, that I understand loss differently.

I understand pain differently in all forms. I think it made me a hope. It made me a better editor and a better writer. What's really strange is that I sometimes feel that It has been some of the best writing I've ever done, which feels really awful in some strange way that it can write to write beautiful sentences. And yet, in some way, I think it's about honoring her with them.