Sean

My wife. My chef.

Yeah, Sean.

Please take off my sweater. Oh my God, this is so brutal.

Well played.

I mean, when are you going to drink it?

You're on fire.

You're going to have to have the fifth best guy here.

I knew that was coming.

You don't want to be at what's called a party. Everybody in the world wants to do something except sex.

Pandemic. He celebrates the pandemic for six months every year. Part of his new ritual to not see anybody for six months.

Have you put your order in? J. Cal, what did you put your order in at?

Oh, sweetheart.

She's like, you speak to me so much more kindly than Chamath does.

I'm the world's greatest house guest. He's put together his own gift bag. Love you, besties. Love you, boys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

In my defense, they were in green garbage bags.

I tell you what, I'm doing okay. Thank you. You want to know something so bizarre? Yeah. I have that painting of the Great Dane. You do not.

You have that exact one? The exact same one. No. How did you discover yours? My mom. Oh. Wow. I had a house for a long time with nothing on the walls and she's like, here's a great Dane. And it's the exact same one.

Well, it is. I would probably get some stock in it if I could.

Just outside of Phoenix, but I'm originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, very much. I think we did a little bit better in the Rust Belt, but hey, what can you do?

You got that right.

This is a long time ago, 89 to 91. Not even sure if I remember. But on New Year's Day, there's the Polar Bear Club. And my friend, Billy, had a house with an in-ground pool. So he had a party every year, as you can see.

So we hop in, swim to the wall and back and out. Oh, God. A bunch of us did this and kept going back inside, drinking a lot of tequila, a lot of Sierra Nevada pale ale in a keg back then, which was like unheard of. especially in Pittsburgh. That's an expensive K. We had to special order it in. But anyway, got his fireplace going. We're having a great time. We decide, hey, let's go do it again.

Hop back in. We're having a blast. We come back in, drink more tequila, throw more firewood in the fireplace. Then the next thing you know, there's smoke pouring into the house.

We don't know what is going on, but there's about 12 people

drunk guys i mean really a mess obliterated drinking this much tequila and beer have no clue what is happening so anyway we end up trying to get people out of the house and of course you know i'm bulletproof at 22 years old so i pull the attic open figure that's got to be where the fire is okay so i peek up in there and then the whole roof just starts to go emblazoned

Oh, okay. So we get everybody out of the house. You know, other than the house burning, everything seems to be okay. But it doesn't stop there. My friend, Billy, whose house it is. Now, back then, he had a Nissan Pathfinder. So Billy said to me, please move my Nissan Pathfinder. So sure, I go out there, put the key in the lock, and it snaps off.

So not only did his house burn down, but the pathfinder melted along with the house. Oh, my God.

Well, yeah, we put too much wood in, but he barely ever used his fireplace and there were cracks in the flue up top. So the sparks were going up. And going out through the... Oh. Attic. Yeah.

All the fire trucks show up. Everybody's outside. I see the fire chief's Suburban, and I just crawled into the back seat and took a nap. Oh, went straight to sleep. I am done. Wow. Wow. So the last thing I remembered... was the fire chief waking me up saying, hey, you can go back in the house. All that was left was the two brick walls on the side. Oh, jeez. Oh, fuck. It burnt all the way down.

All the way down. Oh. He did rebuild. Every year after that, he had the burn the mother to the ground party. Oh. Oh my God, this guy, is he alive still? No, you know what? Sadly, he passed away from alcoholism addiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Years ago. Yeah.

I'm very moderate. You know, I like a beer now and then, a glass of wine now and then, but that's it.

Oh God, yeah. It was just incredible. When I saw that you guys wanted stories about winter holidays... I figured. She can't even look.

Yeah, you've lost all material items. You've literally lost everything. Yeah. It does suck, though. I have a son. He's an addict. He's in recovery over in Oceanside right now. He's doing great, though. He's doing the steps. I think he went through step eight, finished up this weekend. Oh, awesome. So very proud of him doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah.

But I found out about you guys through Bridget and Crystal, two beautiful souls that are in my life. They say hello and they love you. Oh, wonderful.

No doubt about it. I appreciate you guys. Happy holidays to you.

Happy holidays.

And are you still in Cincy? For the past three years, we were actually living in Seattle. I was finishing up my doctorate work at University of Washington.

Yes. Just this past year, we moved to Wichita, Kansas. Got a job up in central Kansas up there in Bethany College. Shout out. So yeah, we've been bouncing around a little bit. We're loving it.

Elevated.

Let's pray.

Where'd it get you?

Oh, how exciting. You guys are so cute.

We are. We're vacationing in Colorado Springs, actually, and building a fort at your Airbnb. Talking to Dax and Monica was not on our vacation bingo cards, but we love it.

Just a little bit, but they bounced right back up.

I agree with that. And just as a side note, my mom also works at King's Island. Even another layer on top.

Well, not surprised me.

I love all of this.

My main instrument was trumpets. I still play. Shout out to the marching band folks. It does happen. Yeah. But I actually teach college music now.

She was. We both saw each other's and everything was all mixed up except for the number one spot. So both her and I, we saw Megan and Sean.

Well, I was talking to some folks, same question, like, do you guys know this Megan? Like, oh, wait, you matched with her too? Let me talk to her and we're going to set something up. It was a lot at once. It was a very big day.

Right. You're looking for a first kiss. Within that meeting, all of our friends were just surrounding us.

Together, in total, 15 years, been married for eight. Needless to say, best five bucks ever spent.

Hello, Drew. Thank you for having me on.

So the prosecutor says it's a logical inference from the facts of the case that Mr. Jennings, after he shot his wife, before he called 911, he washed his hands and washed his forearms. And blood evidence.

The prosecution at trial wanted to show that she was intent on leaving him. And she had an application at an apartment complex where Lacey had lived.

The state presented witnesses that said she was in good spirits, and it's unlikely that someone who has cosmetic surgery and is feeling good about themselves would take their lives.

It's initially ruled a suicide. Her sister went to the Missouri State Highway Patrol to express their belief that this, in fact, was a murder.

The defense attorney in his closing argument said they had that thing for two years. I don't know why they didn't test it for gunshot residue, but they didn't. So we could wrap this up in a heartbeat, whether he did it or not, if they had tested that.

Coming up... She went to the Missouri State Highway Patrol to express their belief that this, in fact, was a murder. And an investigator's prime suspect, Brad Jennings.

But Lisa's younger sister, Sean, was talking. She saw a rocky marriage, and her sister would not be a person that would have committed suicide.

In early January, she went to the office of the Missouri State Highway Patrol to express their belief that this, in fact, was a murder. She looked into a highly experienced detective named Dan Nash. Long-time investigator who's been involved in several high-profile murder cases in the Ozarks.

He was just struck by the fact that if Lisa Jennings had shot herself using her right hand, that there would be more blowback from that wound than one drop of blood.

and wanted the bathrobe that Mr. Jennings was wearing that night.

Apparently it had not. Mr. Jennings had spent a little time going back into that bedroom, where from his perspective, his wife had taken her life.

I'm 4% Nigerian. That means I can say the N-word every 50 days or so. I'm married, I do most of my own laundry, I do all the cooking, I do most of the cleaning, and I pay most of the bills. The only reason I'm still married is because of the sex. The wonderful sex I'm having with her sister. I don't want to screw that up. I've got a real... She's not even that hot. I've got a real creepy uncle.

My mom hoped that he wouldn't rub off on me. But he did it anyway. I don't like to text and drive. It makes it way too difficult to watch porn and masturbate. You will never catch me drinking and driving, because I'm that fucking fast.

I heard some of the questions you asked the other guy. The gayest thing I've ever done, I won a skipping contest. Really? Yeah. Like in the fifth grade, I was awesome. I was fast.

Let's see who's the gayest.

No, I'm not. Oh, you made that up. Well, I had to change it from McTickles to Tickles. McTickles. No, that's not you either. My real name's Sean.

You have warrants? No, you know, just don't want people to know me as Tommy Tickles. How many DUIs have you gotten? Ha! Never been caught. I have never been caught. Never. You pled not guilty.

I'm 50. I just turned 50. You just turned 50.

I've seen a lot of shit, yeah. Yeah? What have you seen? Oh, you know, I've been everywhere. I've been all over the world. You know, you see it all. Yeah. I've been on 6th Street. Shit, some lady tried to sell me a scooter for like 50 bucks. That sounds like a pretty good deal, honestly. I know. That's what I said.

I couldn't figure out how to put the gas in the motherfucker, but I've got a scooter now. So you bought it. Yeah. Amazing. I'm from the country. Yeah, where? Outside of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours from here. Okay. Out in the middle of nowhere. All right.

Yeah, I was raised there. Okay. My dad was in the Navy. I was born on a Corpus Christi Naval base. And then after all that, you know, I ended up out on the farm and ranch out in Fredericksburg.

That's what I'm doing right now. I'm a farmer, rancher, and construction manager. Okay. Yeah.

It's like 16, 20 fucking hours a day milking goats and sheep and fucking cows getting in the neighbor's pasture. And then you do all that during the nighttime, farming, you know, plowing fields and planting oats. And then in the daytime, I go build fence and fucking barns and shit.

Everybody knows that goats wiggle around more and have bigger tits.

I can do a cesarean. I can perform a C-section on a goat or a sheep or cow. That's not very sexual, but I can stick my hand all the way up in there. And you've done that before? Yeah, you got to. If you got big old hands.

I've been married for 13 years. That's right, yep. What does she do for a living? What's his name?

She cleans bed and breakfasts. She's a housekeeper, and then also she takes care of the ranch. I mean, it's a full-time job. We have 12 bottle babies right now, little tiny goats and sheep, and she has to bottle feed them three times a day, so it's busy out there.

No. No, you gotta love it. You know, I love it. You love it. Well, kind of. I'd rather make some money, but... You wake up to, like, what wakes you up? Like chickens or something like that? Chickens and geese, and then we got about 15 guinea hens that live above our house, so it's like a fucking bowling ball.

What are they, guinea what? Hey, wake up down there! Hey! Oh! Oh, fuck. No, it's hard to fall asleep, and it's not hard to wake up.

Free use, gorgeous, you know. What was that last one?

Free use. Free use? Yeah, you know, you're just wandering around and there's some chick there and she's like, you can do whatever you want.

Hey, it's your question. You know, you wanted to ask it.

A hydraulic connection on a hydraulic hose that goes to my skid steer.

You've got extremely big teeth. I bet horses love you. Maybe they don't love you. Maybe they're scared you're going to eat their corn. That is true. Your face should be at the end of a conveyor belt in a James Bond movie. Just like chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Yeah. These are all very good. Red Van, if I said, right turn, Clyde, would you know what to do?

No, is that barnyard material? No, same generation from a Clint Eastwood movie. He'd go, right turn, Clyde, and some chimpanzee would go, blink, stick out his arm and knock somebody out. Okay. You have that on, like, VHS or something somewhere. Probably.

No.

Yes. And you use it? Oh, yeah. I've got stacks of movies. There's nothing else to do. Absolutely incredible.

Yes.

Internet, smartphone, fucking smart TV nowadays. Just no moisturizer. Okay.

Fuck. This sweatshirt.

All right. Oh, my nephew talked me into getting some earbuds. So now I got earbuds on, so I'm out there on the tractor. I can listen to my earbuds.

Can't figure out the phone, though. People call, and I'm slapping myself in the ear. Now I have a fucking earache. Wow, look at that.

50 years old, I've always wanted to do this, love comedy, but I've just been stuck out on the farm and ranch, and then all of a sudden I find out about your show, it's only like two and a half hours away, and I'm like, why the fuck not?

This is number five.

I can't hardly see anybody, so I'm fucking fine. I'm a little nervous, my legs are a little shaky, but I got a few laughs. That's what I wanted, some laughs.

Cool. Hey, what's up? Hey. I get tired. I get really... emotionally attached after sex, so sex workers hate me. They're like, quit calling. I'm like, I just want to talk. Come on, let's talk. You know, deer lose their antlers because of low testosterone, so don't ever give a guy a hard time for not being able to keep it up because it could fall off, you know? It could be way worse, you know?

And it's not for the deer. They can't hide that. It's obvious to everyone that they're a pussy-ass bitch.

Yeah, I'm nervous around you, you know.

I can walk.

Although, not a pedophile.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A long time, like a decade or more. Fucking good. Oh, thanks.

His dog escaped. We found this out last week or the week before. My brother was watching him. He got out. But luckily homeless people picked him up. The homeless look after their own. He lived in the encampment for like three days, and I don't know what the hell happened, but he's back. He survived.

He probably saw some shit, but, you know, probably. And all he had was fleas, so... Could have been worse.

Yeah, so a lot of people, you know, we can say what we will about the homeless people of Austin, Texas, but go with me. Absolutely.

Yeah, I work with, I got the dog from like a rescue lady who was helping me. And yeah, somebody, she goes, there's a Walgreens where he got out. And somebody was like, yeah, I've seen that dog with a homeless lady. And then her in that purse then dragged down the homeless lady, went to a couple of encampments, and went to the underworld of Austin. The other side people don't know about, you know?

Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't think they would find him, but you know what? He heard the jokes you made about him getting hit by a car, and he wanted me to tell you, fuck you. Right.

And I showed him a picture of you, and he was like, oh, I'm a dog. I know that's a bitch. Oh, my God.

Andy, I didn't say that, Andy. Andy the dog. That's his opinion. You're a cool guy.

She needs love, dude. Oh, thank you, Tommy. She just needs a good fucking hug from a WAP. Greasy Dego fucking hug. How'd that feel?

Just seeing someone so far... You ever been hit by a car? What's this about? You got an excuse for that fucking face? That's crazy.

Another sad fucking story. Are your parents... Mexican, too? Can we fucking pick it up?

This is delicious. I've always seen you from afar, Tom. This is very exciting.

You like that? You guys like that? He asked me upstairs. There's two Italians in this whole fucking city. Me and the lead singer of the fucking band.

Well, what does it look like?

I'd say you're more of a Juan than Anita.

What?

Oh, yes. Express yourself, martini. Guys...

I dropped him in his shopping cart. Fucking pushed him down a hill.

I'm fucking hungry as hell, dude. I'm starving.

You're right.

I'm sorry. I was talking about his outfit. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about it. Looks like you just woke up in a lost and found box.

He's like a joint that fell on a barbershop floor.

Every day.

No, I'm kidding!

Okay, I got a compliment for you. Huh? I got a compliment for you. Okay. How tall are you?

Six foot.

I wish I was six feet and every inch of me looked like a... Like the hue of a pig's asshole. Hold on!

I thought we were done. I thought we were done. I was smiling at you. That's a fucking random shot. I don't know why you took a shot at me.

1,000.

No, I do. I've seen him before. He's fucking hilarious, but I get anxious, you know? I have this, like, weird, uneasy feeling. It's like watching a dog sneeze. Where you stand up like, oh... Is he okay? He's okay. He's okay. Let him sneeze. Let him get it out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bedtime.

My mom.

Go ahead.

And...

you

Yeah.

It must be done.

The pie.

The dad jacked him off, too. You told me about that. He fucked the whole family. He fucked an entire family.

You just get a buzz at the tailgate from people who fucking next to you.

And just to have people be like, yo, for real, dude, this isn't it, all right? This isn't it, so fuck you. It's so fucking funny. I talk to the dude who did it, and he's like, I'm going to fire up three more right away.

And then it's just about Garfield selling pussy and John being sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to find out what's happening. It's so funny. It's just people trying to force John to do gay stuff with him. To find his lost cat. Every time he brings it up, people are like, I fucked that bitch last week.

That's so fucking funny.

Oh, dude. You're thinking what I'm thinking.

That pod squad is like Thomas the Tank Engine.

Yeah.

Yo! I was ready this morning, man. You should have called me at 6.30. I woke up being like, I'm ready to fucking podcast.

Yeah, no little, I mean, I wouldn't mind some little cannon fodder.

The cool thing is, so you get hit, you go out, you can't be hit for six seconds until you come back to, like, your gun makes a noise. So that was like, yeah, if you got hit, you're out. You couldn't get hit again. But there was also these big power-up detonators that, like, if it would be, like, three, two, if you hit it in time, you get, like, your gun would get, like, contra, like, super ammo.

Or you have, like, an ammo count. It was kind of nuts. But, yeah, there was a lot. You could get, like, there was, like, landmines around you. Like, if they went off near you, you were just, it was pretty sick. Yeah.

laser tag man it was yeah even better than i remembered and i played i mean i gave it literally my all like i was yeah first game was a learning curve i had to figure out a couple things about gameplay second game i was ripping dude it was fun you have like rank you come out you see like your stat it's dude i mean it's literally called who was number one guard dog you're claiming you were number one i was number two but tootsie roll was number one and he was on my team tootsie roll was red what

I believe number one of the first game was Rhett.

I got like 11th and then eighth. But here's the thing.

The one thing I don't like, they do kind of reward cowardice in battle.

yeah i was moving that's just i mean that was that was good but i was storming castles i was going in but i was getting hit a lot and i'm just kidding i'm not fucking with you i'm not playing with you i'm not messing with you you have some cowardice but that's fine no i wasn't you were tactician i i was you know i was tactical i have a question for spider when were these farts happening during the game or where was this that the farts was it in the cake room yeah

But he said his music was ass because he was like, I just, it threw off my whole thing. Especially if you're rapping using the N-word and you take it away.

Yeah, exactly. Although I'm sure laser tag fog doesn't help. That's probably... Probably traps the farts. By carrying the fog. And Guardian, I'm just kidding. You didn't... You weren't playing like a character. You fought bravely and you fought well. I'm just being jealous.

Liv Morgan was just.

Oh, my God. Shane Gillis is breaking into the thing. Shane Gillis is smacking a diva. Oh, my God.

I mean, it's definitely useful.

Yeah. That'd be tight. I mean, everyone wants to have McConaughey energy just rub off on them. It was awesome. It's just like looking people in the eye. I'm like, ah.

But yeah, so then he came back after the shit wasn't working. He goes, I'm going to do it. They're like, no, no, no. I'm going to do it again. He's back on his bullshit.

I was just having fun Damn after the diva fucking was that after the diva told you I thought I could get him I thought I spent the rest of the night pretending to be angry

That is a heavy lad activity, though.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, they fucking invented wrestling. They invented fake wrestling. It's luchadores. Yeah, luchadores, dude.

That should be... The WWE should change their slogan to, let's get retarded in here. Like, for real, just like... It's awesome. Just throw off the weights of the world.

I mean, I'm active right now.

It'd be crazy if you're like, yeah, actually, I'd like to see this in like two weeks.

Goddamn, dude. That was one reality show when I used to watch reality shows with my ex. That was when I liked the Divas show. Yeah, they were like, I kind of liked that. Usually you watch kind of reality shows like Vanderpump Rules. I'd watch Divas and be like, these seem like good down-to-earth people. These are good Divas. These are good Divas.

The bros, just pro wrestler boyfriends, just being kind of supportive. Yeah.

Is he really?

What's up with Vince McMahon's freaky ass?

He lives in a castle. I mean, that's got to be crazy in a castle in Kentucky with like a goblet just thinking about the time he said the N-word. I mean, imagine though, because a lot of business heads are like really stoked on cursing. That's like a high level CEO thing. Because they're bad at it. I don't give a fuck.

Put him in the Undertaker casket for a weekend. See if he comes out and just kind of like trad, straightens out his weird sexual things. They did it the ultimate. It worked on the ultimate warrior. What'd they do? They just put him in the casket and he chilled? You remember they put him in the casket? The Undertaker put the ultimate warrior in a casket. He was never the same.

Back in like 94, they put the ultimate warrior in the casket for like a weekend. He came out and he was, bro, he was fucked up. That's not good. I remember being little and just being like, holy fuck, dude.

He'll never be the fucking same.

Something like that. I think they just snagged his ass.

You really think you watched a guy die?

I gotta go to school tomorrow. He buried him alive?

Damn, what about the guy who died? Didn't the guy for real die?

Were you watching that match, Lamer?

Okay, so they edited it out.

But people in the arena were like, oh. Yeah. Did they continue on with it?

I mean, you really can't stop it. That would be a vibe crusher.

Wait, hold on. He got kicked in the neck and he died? No.

Yeah. Dang, so what happens? What's a mega fan like you do when a wrestler dies in the ring?

I didn't mean to say Raven Serial killed that guy but yeah we know what you meant well I didn't know yeah I thought it was just that one guy who died it was a shame more people died how about that and then no one ever talks about all those pussies Vince McMahon fucking straight up killed dude after damn hell yeah yeah it was awesome that was a fun time nice man

Oh, yeah.

He's got FF catch.

Yeah, the Rock is loaded, dude.

That's where it's at.

Dude, hear me out, dude. What if you start a new Fast and Furious franchise, but just take a different vehicle? What are you thinking? Lime scooters. Jailbroke lime scooters. Cruise.

that's what i'm saying so yeah you gotta think you gotta think of something cool you can like pass underneath like a truck that's all you need is one one cool lane switch to set off the whole 10 movie franchise that was big that was i was done after that i was like yep sign me up for 14 more of these things yep they haven't gone in space yet have they yeah fast and furious is in space they launched uh ludacris and tyrese into outer space in a car i'm not fucking joking dude

Did they? I got to ask. Did they ride dirty into outer space? They did. Why'd they launch him into outer space? I have no idea. I didn't see the movie. I just saw that clip. That's got to be... I mean, dude, that's got to feel crazy when you're like your 10th movie in and you're just like... You know it's like a trope and a cliche to like, all right, we got to go to space now.

And it's being like, it's got to be actually kind of a sweet moment. We're like, dude, we've made literally so much money. We have to go to space.

We're taking the franchise into space. And you're like, everyone just clings glasses and like, dude, our descendants will never have to work. We've taken a movie franchise into space. Now we have a billion dollars.

We were at a happy hour when he called our one co-worker. Wow, wow. It was so awesome.

Yeah, this is against my religion.

They also got to miss me with that other stuff, bro.

I know. Heavy Pauls on the last paragraph. Join me in the fun this Sunday. We're going to have big runs. I like that. Big scores and obviously big buckets of brewskis. Yo. Can't forget the brewskis. What can't you forget? Big buckets of brewskis, bro. Big buckets of brewskis. Big buckets, dude. and hopefully big wins on prize picks. Combine up to six picks.

Picks are what the Chiefs will be throwing all day to create your lineup and you can win up to 1,000 times your money instantly. Who's writing this? Real players. Who wrote this? Bring me their fucking head. Who wrote this?

That happens when you're in an office. You're like in school forever, essentially. Yeah. Like, you can't say bad words. No bad words.

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Oh, I have to do a... Please come to Dania Beach, Florida. That's a big one. Dania Beach, Florida. I'll be there next weekend, I believe. And the Bang Bus guy. And the Bang Bus-er. Oh, yeah, I talked about that.

Bang Bus-er, don't come get me. The Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio, February 21st. Comedy Castle, Royal Oaks. The Funny Bone, Omaha, Nebraska. Laugh Out Loud. San Antone, Cobbs Comedy. In Sacramento, California, Seattle, Washington. That's everywhere I'm going to do until May.

That might have been the first. That was, I think, the first set of tits I saw in an actual movie was Leprechaun in Space. Yeah. Bro, I'd be so mad if I was in Space and there was an evil leprechaun. Was Jennifer Aniston in that? She's in one of them. She might be. She's in a fucking leprechaun, bro. Is she really? Yes. It wasn't her tits, though. Leprechaun was a big movie franchise.

I mean, I've totally faked them.

i'd go no i'm fucking jennifer aniston i'd be leaning into him i was like yeah while you guys thought i was killing my gay chef and smoking crack and doing all that other stuff i was actually plugging aniston so fuck you guys dude for saying that'd be sick i would support him if you had if you were obama and you had to own up to two rumors which would you own up to uh drone striking all those civilians way before i admit to killing my gay chef

Mike handled my fucking light work, bro. I watched. I just diddied out and watched.

Bro, they were attacking him, man.

I don't like... I don't know why it's acceptable. There's this guy from Denver who like... He's asking questions, and the whole thing is supposed to be like, all right, did you say these things in the past? And then RFK's like, well, like, kind of said that, but let me clarify. And he's like, I don't care what you're saying now. I want to know what you said then.

It's like, well, why do you care what he said then if you don't care what he said now?

I mean, I get it, because it's like, you're just saying that to get into this position. But it was just so lame to be like.

Yeah. That part.

Yeah, he was like, I don't want to hear that part. You're like, dude, what the fuck?

I can't stop watching videos about that white rapper who keeps saying the N-word. He's like, I'm ready to punch on it. He's ready to punch over it. If you even think someone's looking at him sideways, he's like, I'm ready to punch about it. I think that's the only way he's a giant man.

Does it have a butt flap? Yeah, dude, I that was like really insane, dude. I watched a good amount of it. I didn't watch, I listened to it, but my video was playing while I was driving on the way over here. And I was just like, dude, just let the guy talk, man.

You can hold his feet to the fire on stuff, but they do that, I hate to say, kind of like girl stuff, where they'd be like, no, no, no, that's what you said, okay. And you're like, oh, hold on, what the fuck? What are we doing here? Oh, that's what you said. No, that's what you said.

Yeah, and it's also like, what I think a lot of it is, is like, all right, let's just get the clip of us making him seem like he doesn't know what he's talking about, bang, and just go.

He had someone handling his light work, bro.

Okay, video game lying.

Yeah, I mean, I will say there's like an age. It's like if you commit a crime when you're minor and forgiven.

But there's a threshold. Into adulthood, if you're video game lying, it's like, bro.

I always get so scared to sleep at work. I've tried it. I did it in an office. There was one guy who wouldn't come in on a certain day and I would go to his, like, office. It was all, like, dark. There was no lights on. I would just lay in the corner and try to sleep. That fucking rules, though. But I'd be so fucking, like... Oh, yeah. If I get caught. Yeah, I was worried about getting caught.

Hiring a guy to be like, yo, get nice in this video game.

See, if it's just for a passion project where you're like, damn, that level's really hard, I'm a billionaire, why am I sweating over this? I'll hire someone to beat this level for me and come back. Just so I can watch the storyline. That would be sick to get briefed. You're a billionaire. So what happened? Briefing on Diablo. Yeah, briefing on Diablo. I was like, that's so sick.

I didn't think it was going to go that way.

If that's true, that is truly insane.

So he paid to... Mr. Musk, did you use Game Genie?

Dude, that's kind of fucking terrifying.

Or just be like, I like to play video games every now and again. You don't have to be a world-ranked player. That's crazy. That is crazy. Although he is. I don't know. Is he the first case of unchecked autism? Pretty much. Have we had autistic billionaires before? We had to have had a couple.

Yeah. That's actually a good point.

I feel like you... What an autistic video game liar. That's the fundamental question here. You know what I'm saying? I don't think they lie. I feel like there's a code. Those bros... Especially on the vidges. That's what I'm saying. That'd be like being like, I know I could quote the whole Sonic movie back and forth and being like, bro, bro, you're lying, dude.

It's like I hired somebody to fucking read me the Sonic lines so I could be autistic. Yeah. I hope that's not true. The thing that's been freaking me out about that kind of stuff is like, and again, I don't know if this is real or not, but like people hiring, like being their own hype man in the comments.

I've like, I've seen multiple stories about different people doing this where it's like busted. They like bust up the comments, bro.

That would feel good to like anonymously be like, actually, he's actually pretty fucking sick. I don't know, but he was on laser tech. He was number six. But yeah, people, they like the screenshots again, you know, whether or not it's true or not, you never know. But it's like, there was like a screenshot of them busting up their Twitter account. And then you saw the alt underneath it.

Sleeping at work, if you can somehow pull it off, I mean, that's the ultimate.

And it's like, that's the, and then they'll show the top comment and like, yo, this person's

Yeah, that's crazy. Or if like you hire someone to do social media, like, you know, while you're at it, set up that other account. How about you say a couple of nice things about me?

It's like I'd rather be caught fapping accidentally on Zoom than have somebody catch me hyping myself, dude. That's devastating. Be like, actually, he's like really fucking cool.

If that's true, I pray that's not true.

Night shift is like people do sleep. Night shift ruled. It's kind of accepted to sleep on night shift. I liked night shift. Yeah, it's kind of acceptable to be like, dude, I'm going to go fucking take an hour long nap.

Yeah.

Yes, I could imagine that being a gigantic waste of money.

You're the DEI instructor. You come back with like hard PTSD. Get out of here, you fucking gay bitch.

They're the best. It's a shame we can't get along better, man. It'd be so cool to just like... We can get along with Africa. We do, for sure. Yeah, we can chill with those. But I'm saying, we gotta stop fighting. Every other country, so all of our, like, think about our enemies, dude, abroad. China's, you know, like it or hate it. China's hilarious. They're funny as hell, dude.

Yeah, they're funny as fuck. They're funny as hell.

That's their, like, remember how the soldiers got, like, peanut butter, German soldiers got peanut butter for the first time in World War II? They're just watching fucking Fail Army, like, holy shit, everything I've ever been told is a fucking lie. This shit is awesome.

yeah that's gotta be crazy man especially getting tossed into russia and having russians be like oh you didn't know about this shit yeah check this shit out blue jeans check this shit out although tucker was saying russia's chill as hell i watched that one video where he went to a supermarket yeah looked like an aldi's where he was just like this is amazing they have everything here fresh produce

yeah they have stuff there although apparently uh you're never gonna believe it russia has stuff russia has stuff or they apparently putin called i think putin is trying to rile up the right wing bros he's like yo actually send falchi over here i'll deal with his ass and everyone's like yeah we'll fuck on twitter like i'll send him over here right now you'd be surprised he's uh it's pretty it is pretty massive they also said the biden administration tried to kill him

I'm just watching fucking RFK get in there, and they're like, you think fucking kids... You don't like Pop-Tarts? You don't fucking like Pop-Tarts? Fuck you. All the kids are going to die. It is crazy. He's like, look, it's not working. Health-wise, we're not doing well. They're like, we understand that, but didn't you say that... And it's just like, dude, let it go. You guys had it.

You guys held down the fort. They held down the fort. You had fucking... Fort sucked. You had the Fouch Man in there. You guys got your... How long was he in there for? Fucking forever. He's in there for fucking ever, dude. It's like, let's fucking roll the dice, man. We're all fat as hell. Let's roll the fucking dice. I got type 2 motherfucking diabetes almost.

I wouldn't mind switching things up a little bit, dude. Switch it up. Yeah, I was over here like, dude, I'm probably one of the healthiest guys I know.

Damn it, I got type 2 diabetes.

This is truth. But yeah, hopefully we come out of it. I think after two more years we might come out. All right. They do got to stop fucking lying and doing Nazi salutes. I just wish. I just wish they'd stop. Video game lying is what you wish. Video game lying, no Nazi saluting.

Heart goes out to you. That's a gray area up for interpretation. Video game lying is... It's black and white, man. It's cut and dry like... Oh, man, I pray that's not true. You guys looked at it. I need to know. Yeah, he did. It is true. He admitted it.

Have guys play under his avatar.

Tom Fuller. Yeah. There's like money in those open world games that like becomes almost like real money. Like it becomes like you could, you know, it's like a tradable commodity.

Really? A little inside rim job. Yeah.

It is sick to have a storm being like, I got to get a higher fucking Diablo rank.

Yeah, that is the ultimate. I mean, that's like the click remote of being able to just be like, I'm going to accelerate time. Let me just lose consciousness for a while. Wake up.

Whatever. At least he owned up to it. At least he's fucking... That's good. Holding it down. That'd be crazy if he held it down Watergate style. I was like, I'll never fucking admit it.

Yeah, true. I would have been like, we got to invade Vietnam again, actually, just to distract the whole population. Fucking bomb Vietnam.

Dude, that's like reading a fucking book. Yeah, it was a lot.

That's a sick move, actually. That does create like a little sanctuary blast zone. I'm just watching this thing about a horrible... Watching Vietnam, you guys are not going to watch it. Yeah. It is like one of those frequencies. It's a scarecrow. It's a scarecrow.

And it'll all run.

Nick Bryan.

Yeah, it's tough. It's tough to lay on the floor in business casual and take a nap. Here's something like a sweater vest.

Damn.

Yeah, that's fucked up. That's crazy. The book I read, the Born Again book with the guy Chuck Colson, who was like his dude who went to jail for Watergate or one of the guys who went to jail. I remember him claiming like they had these peace talks going. They got like sabotage. But that was before he even got in there.

Oh, yeah. They don't talk about that. That's pretty bad.

They didn't want to break bread together?

Yeah, this is not a good idea. The idea was they were under the threat of becoming communists and we were supposed to go in there and be like, hey guys, come on man, don't do that. Then we just started shooting people.

What was the upside for America, though? I don't know.

Right.

You're saying we won.

I didn't even think about that.

That is a giant psychological victory to be like, yeah, I don't give a fuck.

yeah but i just don't understand i never i can never understand how it started like world war one was archduke ferdinand they're like oh fuck like i get the beginnings of that i've never there was was there like in like the civil war there was like fort sumter was the first battle i never understood like the first battle where they're like hey oh shit well vietnam didn't have like it did have battles but it was another it was like it was a weird war there wasn't like uh

Dude, I had possibly, so I went to laser tag for my birthday. I didn't want to do anything. Brittany asked, like, so what do you want to do? I was just like, dude, I just want to like eat like dinner and just go to sleep. I'm like, kind of, you know, she's like, we're going to do, we're going to do laser tag. And I was like,

So you have to just like, you have to like just take out the communist leaders. That's like the military objective.

That is pretty exciting. I mean, dude, I never really knew. I knew it was like a. Yeah, I never knew anything about Vietnam.

I mean, it does, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I still, I got a, I did Marty Ben's podcast on Bitcoin. Nice. Yesterday, so I had the same experience.

I'm a little bit clear. I don't know what it is. It's like one of the greatest technologies man's ever done. I can do that. I can do that. So, dude, he was explaining it yesterday. How do they mine it?

So, this is my understanding of it. Somebody tell me. This is my hard-earned, and I don't know if this is even correct, but... So there's like a computer network that is somehow securing Bitcoin by solving this like mathematical equation the founder set out to where like it increases in difficulty. So if like a lot of Bitcoins are being mined, You're mining a Bitcoin.

You're being rewarded for dedicating computing power that then secures the network itself, which is just this weird mathematical function that can be solved. And then for solving it, you get a little Bitcoin as a reward. But then the network knows the problem's being solved, so it ups the difficulty. And then it tethers back and forth. It was weird as fuck. Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, not really. I don't understand it either.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it can't be... The big thing is the fiat currency.

True. The fiat currency is the big port of... Where it's like any currency is... like the policy dictating like the worth of the currency is dictated by a centralized government body. But Bitcoin, the network through which it's exchanged, that is somehow bolstered by like voluntary computer power that is given Bitcoin as a result, as a reward.

Alright, I actually might be kind of sick dude then I made I I wouldn't I don't know if I'd call it a mistake But I was like I'm gonna get like really stoned and just go to laser tag. That'll be kind of fun, dude So I'd like I said I ate a little edible and they in on the before I went in there I was like smoked a joint in my car.

allows for it to never be centralized and dictated in a way where like you know if you own if you have all your money in usd and they're printing out tons of us dollars it fucks up your money like your money in a bank is of course literally dissipating if it's not if you're not investing your money's disappearing under inflation like a part of it is just disintegrating yeah and bitcoin's argument is that it won't do that because they're not they're only going to ever put out 21 million bitcoins that's like the whole thing it's just and but i'm like yeah but like

So you can just save it. I guess you can just save it and just put it, use it as like a savings account. That was the whole, let me just talk about other stuff, but it was cool to hear about like hash point. I still don't understand that. He's like, well, then it reaches the hash point. The hash point dictates the difficulty level. And it was just like, bro, let me know.

I hope it goes up to 200, man. That's all I know. Yeah.

They don't like it, dude. No. They don't like it. Well, because it apparently just totally undermines the way Wall Street functions. I don't know. Again, I'm out of my depth on that, too. But I did get a little bit. Now I understand what mining Bitcoin is. It's like dedicating computers. You have a computer, and it just does math problems, really hard math problems all day.

And then every now and again, you're like, damn, you just got a fraction of a Bitcoin. You're like, yes. It's Math Castle. It's stupid. It's literally Math Castle. I don't like that. You have Math Castle. You have like a huge rack of computer servers doing Math Castle every now and again. Yeah. Yoshi or whatever his name is. Yoshi is like... You get a Mario coin and you go, yes!

I am kind of mystified by how it works.

The network. The network having its... The network just gets bigger. Yeah. Bigger and more secure. So it's like with the more computing power you have dedicated for some reason to doing these math problems, that way like when an exchange happens, it's somehow validated within the thing. It's like, yep, this definitely happened. It's like a...

kind of a worry-free way to exchange money like they're saying you can't scam it from what i've heard i don't know if you can or not so it was pretty cool i got i got bitcoin pill yesterday and i was like damn it's kind of sick i always wanted just to know because i don't know literally anything about it and these dudes are like you seem to have an idea of what bitcoin is

What was the coding thing?

What, the math problem?

What's the math problem, dude?

I'm like, dude, how hard is this math problem? And how the fuck did a guy... It's 13 times 7.

Yeah, we got into quantum computing. I was like... That makes no sense, quantum computing. No sense at all. Because quantum mechanics has to deal with the teeniest, tiniest specs of matter possible. And I'm like, okay, I understand that, but how the fuck does you have a computer dealing in that?

I guess instead of megabytes, it's minibytes. And you go, oh, shit. It's minibytes. It's just unparalleled computing power. What do you have? They're called qubits. Qubits? They're called what?

Dude, the battle was great. What really rocked me was pre-battle administrative stuff with the laser tag employees because I thought Brittany was going to handle all that. We forgot the cake. So I was like, oh, fuck. So she was on the phone trying to get someone to bring the cake to the laser tag place, which I had a kid's party room, which was the fuck. It was so funny.

So it's not 0-1. The program's not 0-1-0-1. Yeah. It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

It's fluid. It's just like 1-2-3-4-2-5-6-9-9-9. Oh, shit. I didn't even think about 2s.

I said a little sequestered room with purple chairs.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nom, dude It was totally knowledge now, but I when I walked in there the mayor go first like they did in Vietnam You clear out the tunnels you're black you scout So it was like the bros some of the bros from the neighborhood and like so we all go But I was me and Brittany were like there first and she was like you talked to like set it all up I gotta figure out this to cake and I'm like pretty fucking high and

Yeah, there's dirty. There's my punch over this. They could punch over it. But there are. So I've met a couple of dirty white boys who were just like casually not like they're just casually drop the N word in conversation. I just be kind of like.

And I don't know how to... You're trying to figure out a cake. Well, I'm trying to figure out rules of combat. Logistics of getting a cake. I'm trying to figure out logistics of battle.

It was like maybe in their mid... This is what bugged me out. So I'm like very high. Bernie's handling, obviously, the fucking food. Yeah. She's like, that's like, you know, slop, just rations for the soldiers. And then it's like, I got to figure out logistics. So I go in and I'm talking to this... I mean, maybe in her mid-20s or 30s. There's, like, just ladies.

Well, that's what I thought. I didn't want to, like, sound shitty, but I was so high. The lady was talking to me. I couldn't hear a word she was saying because I was like, damn, you work at laser tech. Like, not, like, in a condescending way, but I was, like, fully the reality of working at Lasertag as an adult. Exactly.

I was just being, like, completely untethered by it, being like, what the fuck, dude? And then in there, it was a slow night. It was Monday night. So there was, like, Lasertag and then, like, Slash Arcade. I was just like taking in the whole ecosystem of being like, who owns this place? You two fucking work here at laser tech. I was like, damn, this is crazy.

And then there was like, like a couple of, but then there was like, then there were these, like, you don't a casino. You'll have like the real card sharks and like card counters. There were like weird, like cat, like nerds walking around just quietly by themselves. Just pulling tickets out of machines. That's where I saw that video.

Dude, it was.

He almost didn't make the first battle. He almost deserted. I searched all over for him.

Dude, you know the level of nerds, like you'll just see them somewhere and they're just sitting like this? There was like those level of nerds.

Just just sharking. Yeah, like fucking arcade games like devastating this fucking business You jack off like that

A little bit. It's a real delineator where you're like, yeah, shit. They're like sussing me out. They're like, I think I could. Yeah, it was kind of like one of those things where like, yeah, I'm not really about this life. You guys are living.

How do you steal tickets?

Me, I left them there. Never mind. I was crushing basketball and I got like a gazillion tickets and I left them down. I was like, there was a couple of kids in there. I'm like, yeah, maybe the kids will take these tickets.

It was a 38 year old man.

We were driving home.

LaMare and Nate were in one car and Gardini was in his and me and Brittany were behind them and we just see them, those two pull up at a light and I just see fucking, or it was like getting on a highway and I just see LaMare's sword come out of the window.

It was so funny. Dude, the gameplay. And we're going to go back, too. I'm going to. I got to play again. Laser tag rules. Dude, this is the biggest indoor laser tag place. What's it called? Down south. Blazer tag.

okay dude i'm not gonna it was the aliens on the yes yeah yeah yeah i drive past it all the time and i'm like oh i need to get that is the mothership bro i'm telling you it's it's 10 times more fun than you i like that was the thing i was like i got in there i'm like just standing there all high being like what the fuck dude this is like embarrassing everyone's gonna play laser tag for me

And then I got in there, and I'm like, this is maybe the most fun I've had. It's so fun. Bruh, and the fucking, the action of those things was good. Some laser tags, kind of bullshit. These things were kind of precise, bro.

Oh, that's the best. Bro, there was little cutouts you could kind of hide and snipe.

You could storm. And there was three color-coded teams, so it was like red, blue, blue.

green and then like you would have to run around see someone's vest you'd see your your fucking your allies then you end up like taking over a chunk of like a base and just battling across and like i would try to storm the castle dude it was were you running yes yeah i i broke the rules i was running i knew you were running my name i was worried i'm gonna talk to that woman sliding i was sliding you're not sliding yes i did this is a call dude there is a ramp there's there's like down ramps and shit first of all my my name was butt stuff because you bet to make your own name

James tried to be 69 and she's like, you can't be that. So he's like, I'll be thick daddy. And I was like, I'll take B-U-T-T-S-T-U-F-F. And they just walked away real quick. Butt stuff.

Yeah, Lemaire Spider.

Lemaire walks in late. There's this whole group. It's probably like 18 people. Lemaire, you got to give the lady a name. He just goes, is Spider taken yet? She's like, no, you're good. He's like, yes.

There was one point where I'm, like, ducking. You can, like, duck and come up these things. And, you know, I'd see people over there. And I, like, I knew someone was, like, right around the corner. So I, like, crawl up a ramp. And then I jump slid out sideways.

Yeah. It was just Lily going, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, my bad. I'm sorry. Yeah, dude, I was belly crawl. Because you crawl on your belly, you're blocking the whole front. Crawl on my belly, pop up. And then my cousin was up high, hit me in the back on balls. I was like, dude, what the fuck? Damn. Yeah, it was. We have to go back and do that again, dude. It is.

I mean, I couldn't believe, I couldn't get over how fun that was. Played two games.

Yeah, he was Australian Special Forces in there, dude. He was. He was.

Yeah, it was pretty nasty. Nate was unking around. It was pretty funny.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, I mean, he... I mean, his name's Gene Lee, by the way. That's his rapper. That's his rapper. Yes. Gene Lee. and uh he's just like the problem was he stopped saying it because he like started getting some success and he had like people like managers being like you gotta stop saying the end that'll happen He had managers like, yo, you got to stop.

And I said, I literally told her, I was like, I have a suspect, but I don't want to be unfair. I have blazer tags most wanted.

I got back that night and I was just reflecting on my 39th birthday.

i was kind of the kids were there right no it was just oh my god my kids could i would never put them in battle like that i thought for sure this was a family affair no this was an adult just adults adults only was it but there was definitely just little kids in there with you it was no it was private oh it was private we didn't rent the whole thing out but it was our group and then there was another group between ours we got like a 15 minute break and then our group went back in oh that's awesome

Wow, wow, Wes. Hello. Yeah, damn.

Download the app today and use code Drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. Run your game. Oh, yeah. Now it's time to plug shows. July, I'll be going to... I added a bunch of shows, so please come to them. I'm going to go to Oklahoma City. August 8th, I'll be in Louisville.

But yeah, Oklahoma City and Louisville are the ones I'd really like you to buy tickets to. I thought the OKC Thunder fans would be fucking... to let loose for a comedy once they're done with all these playoff games. You know? Yeah. They're very stressful. Now it's time to let loose with a comedy show there. Totally agree. How about you, Sean? Do you have anything cool coming up, bud?

Yeah, true. You're a millionaire now.

The link is below? I don't think I ever told you you could post your links.

Yeah, hell yeah, bud.

And I've seen the new hour, and it's very good. Thank you. It's your best hour yet. I'm excited to see it again. Thank you, bro. I'm excited to get it over with.

Live panties in the mouth.

Are you guys going to do a baby of the year award, or what's going on here? It's just month still?

Okay. And then you have a tournament in front of a live audience. And they put a cookie on the floor. Horny pieces of shit. If you want to go to the speakeasy and meet with the horniest guy, there's a horny guy meetup at the speakeasies.

I thought about, yeah, the evil being spewed yesterday when I left the green room at the mothership. What happens? Like as soon as I leave this room, I guarantee. Yeah. Evil fucks up there.

It probably is bugged. It probably is. I think the CIA is on Joe Rogan's ass, dude. I was talking to him. I was talking to him. It was funny. Last night I was like, we should go to that Oasis concert in Mexico City. And he was like, yeah, so I can go get kidnapped? Good call. I was like, yeah, I forgot. I forgot. He was like, I'll get kidnapped right away.

Oh, we didn't even get to talk about the Mexican Navy. What happened?

You're going to love it.

No.

Yeah, they tried to attack. They got stopped by our first line of defense, our bridge.

Bro, did you see the footage of it? They were standing on the mast. There were dudes everywhere. They had someone in the crow's nest? The whole gang. I don't think there was one person piloting the ship. Everyone was standing on the mast. They were like holding hands on the mast. The first time I was like, I don't think they know how to ride a boat. They're standing on the wrong part.

They shouldn't be up there.

Oh. Just... I thought it was the Mexican Navy. Yeah, they were fucking stunting on us. What the fuck, man? There was a little show of force. They said, you guys want to talk shit on Mexico? Check this shit out. We got fucking cannons. We got a pirate ship.

They were trying to plunder. They fucking... We just ran up on fucking ground. Oh, man.

They did come for the gerbs, but then I'm hitting the fucking verge. The Brooklyn verge.

Yeah, that's our new Iron Dome. The Golden Dome is so funny. I didn't know he was calling it the Golden Dome.

It's Notre Dame, dude. He's exactly right.

The Golden Dome.

The Mexicans standing on the mass. It's crazy. That's insane. Where were they going? Where did they think? I think I heard they were headed to Iceland for real. They were like, all right, this ship's headed to Iceland next. What? They fucking got hit by a fucking bridge. I felt bad for the Mexicans. When they crashed into the bridge? A couple of them died. Did they really?

Yeah.

You disrespected me in front of my friends. You disrespected me in front of my friends. In front of the openers. That's something I cannot have.

I didn't know people died.

And everybody, you know, there's like influencers underneath taking pictures and then a boat comes and everyone was laughing when they got hit. Literally, everyone was down there laughing and running.

And the lads were hanging from the mast. They were tied. I think they were, like, tied up there. You're probably tied off.

That sucks, too, because you're up there fucking hanging onto a mast. You're going, I guarantee we're going to hit that fucking bridge. You had a lot of time to be like, we're headed right at that bridge. There's no way we're getting under that.

I'm going to set an example for the openers.

The biggest. He must have been going nuts.

Oh, they'll run the light. Gardini?

He's like a Jack Russell. Yeah, he is. It's like a car comes in front of his house. He must sprint around the house.

What's going on here? Who is it? Who's here?

They died. They're probably like, oh, this is the hell. This is the devil. What were you guys even thinking?

Yeah. I saw that joke you did last night. I'm going to do the same joke. I have a joke that's just like that. It reminded me. So I'm going to open with that tomorrow. I love it. Not to go off track, but that is the best. Oh, yeah. When an opener hears you do a joke and then the next show you hear him do a different joke. That's fucking the same topic.

I think about that jet a lot. Oh, God. That thing came steaming right along.

Exploded.

I think I'd rather be on the rocket than the fucking Mexican boat, though. The rocket was fast. The boat, you just fucking harness to a mast, seeing the Brooklyn Bridge come at you for fucking 20 minutes. Yeah. I don't know.

Yes, with older pilots and young. Yeah, this is a common thing where they can't speak up against an older guy that's fucking up.

I don't know how true that is because I've heard it. Really? Yeah, it's like an urban legend, I think.

I knew it before you told me it. I've heard this. I know it's their culture, but I don't think it's true. I really doubt it's true.

I don't think they've been doing that for a long time. They don't stab themselves in the bellies. They stop doing that. I think if you're in a plane crash or something's fucked up, In 2025, I think honor goes out the window. I hope. Dude, they got like K-pop and shit now. They're not... You're thinking old Asians.

No, but they have that. That's in the world. They have fucking anime and shit now. True. They're all about disrespect. They've turned bad boys. I don't think so. The hat's turned backwards. They're bad boys. Isn't all anime about like a young guy being like, I am no longer your fucking pupil.

It's time for me to fucking rise up and go, please hit that button.

The left engine's out.

Now he's too rich.

Yeah, he's too rich and powerful. God, he's too rich and powerful.

They are moving in on us. They've been fucking gaining strength. He's gathering a small army. He is gathering. They're moving in. They wait patiently. They go, well, these guys are about done.

You guys bet it. LeMaire had some freak-offs when I was gone. What?

Oh, yeah. Have you been following that trial at all? A little. I've been hearing it. Yeah. I haven't. I heard, did he like to clean up? Say what? Swapping the, you're talking about swapping the decks?

It's like, oh, yeah, your joke reminded me of my joke about that same topic, and I wanted to go before you. Yeah, all right. Perfect. You've had some disrespect as well. I've had this exact experience. Remember I sat down at a cheesecake factory, and they were like, where did you get this seat? Who are you? I was like, I don't know. I didn't just pick this. Somebody fucking walked me in.

I didn't hear that from the trial. Somebody told me that that was in the trial. So I don't know if it is. I think he swabbed the decks. I think that was one of his things. But we were laughing about it earlier. Just that poor lady's husband's in the trial. He's listening. I know, bro.

Now, obviously, he's into it. You think? Definitely.

Day one you would have went, I'm out. Yeah. He's obviously like, I knew this about her.

I would like a, you know how they do those courtroom drawings? It'd be funny to have him in the back, like dark red face with smoke coming out of his ears.

Saying she liked it. Getting freaky. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. She was saying like, yeah, and they called them FOs. She would be like, when's our next FO? She would be like, yeah, we need to do a freak. She would like be like, did he please? Did he?

You ever have sex for an hour?

Three minutes. You better get yours because I'm going to get mine.

I'm about to freak off. I'm a freak. I had a couple of freak offs. I've been in a hotel for a week. I was having nothing but freak-offs down in Atlanta.

I was fucking just jacking off in a hotel room for ten days.

Sometimes you got to swab the deck like a cat before bed. Oh, man.

The hostess was like, I've never seen this person in my life. I was like, what the fuck did you do that for? Why'd you just lie?

We get a little... I feel like we throw around sex trafficking a lot. It's definitely brought in... State lines are really...

So if I call a lady from, you know, Montana, and I don't explicitly say, I want to have sex, then we have sex.

Trafficked. Congratulations, you've been trafficked by the best. I thought we were going to game. You just got tricked by one of the all-time traffickers.

He's going to have to.

I mean, either way, he might have to become a Nazi if he goes to jail. Or if he did it right now, he's in full Nazi territory. He just has to be a Nazi. Yeah. I wonder if Kanye's music has reached the prisons. I think so. I think they're getting. I wonder if he could unite the ABs and the blacks. Whoa. And the Latinos are in trouble if the blacks become Nazis.

Yeah, you're right. I don't think it's that.

I'm not in the hot seat, but I'm pretty sure he sampled All Quiet on the Western Front. And that's all it took for me. I've been waiting for somebody to sample that fucking noise. It happened to be in the worst song possible.

but first time i listened to it i heard the dan and i was like oh here it comes and then it went right into i was like oh when that when that den and n kicks in i remember i saw the video being um premiered on one like the guy straight one of the streams yeah and i remember being like fuck but then it goes right back into just all quiet on the western front something oh that's kind of tight i think that's it right

I haven't heard anyone bring it up, which I'm surprised they haven't.

As soon as I heard it, I said, it has to be this one.

I could feel it.

All right, I can't play it, but...

If I open Twitter, it's playing. Oh, yeah. It's everywhere.

Yeah. Now he's yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. People were wondering how he was going to top. I suck my cousin's dick.

no one's even talking about that people are going there's no way he can top that yeah imagine announcing that to the world and then the next week everyone's like yeah yeah fuck that check this out and you're like it's pretty wild people aren't bringing that up he might have regretted i suck my cousin's dick song and gone we gotta hurry up and get in the studio we gotta make these people forget about suck my cousin's dick song yeah but dude where did he find the guys in the video

No, those were real Nazis. Those dudes...

That's got to be tough for you, Lamar, with your fucking Whoopi Goldberg view sensibilities.

I know.

Yeah. The problem is with the new song is it does get stuck in your head a little. It completely does.

It is fun to show people. Like there, I was so happy. He goes, I haven't heard it yet. I was like, oh, you haven't heard it yet? Wait till you fucking hear this. You're literally not going to believe it. While it's playing, you're going to go.

I think he's allowed to have a bank account again. Can he? Yeah. I think they took it away the first time. That's crazy. That was crazy.

Well, that only happens in certain situations. But... Yeah, well, he's... Meh. Wait a second. Hold on. Who's that one group? Matt. All right, let's switch this. What else is going on? Nate was defending Angel Reese with me in a text that was pissing me off. Nate loves Angel Reese. Nate's fucking gay.

Fucking, no, Angel Reese flopped. It was just a regular basketball play. Come on, man. I wasn't defending Angel Reese.

She pushed her hard with it. I got a feeling, I got a feeling Lamise is a Kaitlyn Clark lover.

That is the trump card every single time. Anytime people get, like, a heated argument about this, you go...

Not you.

No, I did not like that. Damn, that is fucked up. You're the only white member of the production, and you're the richest, and the only one that gets paid a million dollars. I'm not white. That's crazy. The other guys get paid in Chipotle every other week. Chipotle every other week is good, dude.

You are. He's the heart and soul of this. It would be funny to edit all this out. Anytime we talk about you being rich, just edit it. I'll never notice it. I'll never know. It's crazy.

Your tricks don't work on me.

It was all Shadur. Now it's... This week it was Caitlin Clark, Angel Reese. Yeah, that was the big one. Because black pundits started going back and forth.

RG3... RG3 was just saying Angel Reese clearly is jealous and hates Caitlin Clark. And then Ryan Clark jumped in and was like, you have a white wife, dude. Shut the fuck up. And then black people had to pick sides. Damn. Yeah. You can speak on WNBA.

You're allowed to.

You're the only one in the room who can speak on WNBA. I know you can't. I know, you can't either.

I was just sitting there like... The only black spaz I really ever absorbed was in our old apartment when that lady came back with her fucking big dog to kick us out.

They do bash the queens. They talk about how white women are subservient. Yeah. They talk about that a lot. I've heard Charles and White go off on it. It was very funny. It was really funny.

He went nuclear because he was wrong. There's nothing wrong with that. Losing an argument and going, you know what? You have braces. I see why RC hit the fucking eject on the combo. I'm going to change the topic right now. Don't you have a fucking white wife?

Yeah, he was out in the cold too long. Whatever happened with that? They're still in court. They're still in court?

I wanted a speedy trial for that. This is not getting a speedy trial.

Matt worked with this realtor and they came back to like evict us. I didn't give a fuck. I had zero dollars. We were getting evicted from West Philly. I was just sitting at the top of the steps, and they were downstairs. They were like, you need to get out right now. And I was like, oh, do I? I was a fucking gargoyle on the steps.

Yeah, they're finally getting pussy, and the goddamn entire judicial system's fucking weaponized against them. Can't lick cum off your wife anymore?

Can't lick a bunch of cum off your wife?

Your Honor, it was his birthday. Hold on. I need to talk to my attorney. It was my birthday. That one was actually my birthday. Strike that from the jury. Disregard that. That was his birthday.

Yeah, male prostitutes are only... Top ten most beautiful women in the world?

Their stock has plummeted.

You're swabbing the deck, and then you get in there, you see Cassie, you go, this is going to be great. And then Diddy comes out of the closet, you go, oh, shit. I'm going to have to fucking swab the deck again. God damn it.

Maybe it wasn't he had too many secrets. He was just like, this trial is going to be so fucking embarrassing.

I have so many texts that just suck. That would keep you awake at night.

Yeah, egg-shaped dong.

That's enough.

Yeah.

It is crazy that it did. I mean, we talked about it, but the fact that every black dude on earth was saying every rapper was gay. Yeah. And we were like, what the fuck are they talking about? I dude, it was like, you guys are crazy. God damn. They nailed it.

Yeah. There's like three that aren't gay and they're chirping like 50 years. It must feel so good. Method man. Just to be like, I wasn't one of the gay ones. Yup.

Even getting caught in the crosshairs of it is just like, fuck. Could have happened to any of us. I would have gone to a fucking ditty party in a heartbeat. Well. Not knowing what was going to happen. If I got there and there was a freak off, I would fucking get the fuck out of there. Yeah. Just because I'd be totally embarrassed and humiliated.

I need a little sunlight. You guys are hogging all the fucking sun. And some fucking male stripper would come over and go, hey, fuck off me. What is this?

Fucking guy tugged me and I ran. I ran out of the house crying. He tugged me. He tugged me. I started swinging like a pig and raced out of the party. Yeah.

That's when my butt plug fell out and I shit everywhere and I had to sprint.

Damn, if your plug fell out and you dumped, freaks would come out of the walls like cockroaches and clean it up. Where am I? Four days of drugs. Dude, what are we talking about? You go on a four-day Bud Lightbender, you go, oh. Yeah, man. Think about doing drugs and getting tugged and butt sex. Do you know how fucking tired you must be?

Your eating must be fucking hell in there, too. Oh, yeah.

They were probably doing that.

Yeah, a lot of grapes. A lot of people handing you grapes.

Yeah, he needs to fucking cut that out.

Yeah, it's Usher.

It's Usher. You're wet. You're horny.

He does have herpes, so allegedly.

I don't know, dude. Are the honks innocent? Are the honks quiet during all this? The honks are awfully quiet right now.

Oh, yeah.

He's been acting out? I don't even think he's acting out. I don't know. I've seen it. He doesn't seem that crazy. He's posting shit on Instagram.

Yeah. A lot of people are, yeah, a lot of people are. I don't understand the Bieber hysteria. He seems kind of crunk.

Yeah, I'm not worried about anything. I'm crunk. Why is everyone asking if I'm all right? I've been crunk this whole time.

Nothing worse than being crunk and someone goes, are you all right?

Yeah, and someone comes up to you and goes, you should go home. You go, oh, shit. I thought I was killing it tonight.

Yeah, he has a lot of money. Well, that's probably worth... $200 million.

And at any point, he can go do a tour and make... That is all better. All this behavior is better than Zuckerberg's outfit. That's a guy who's losing his fucking mind.

I think he bought a tunnel. I think he is, dude.

I don't know if that's his house. Every Jewish man's dream. I'm going to get a beachfront tunnel.

Damn, that is nice when you upgrade your tunnel so much that you have to call it a bunker. Yeah. Finally. The Jewish bunkers under New York sounds a lot better.

Tunnels sucks.

I'm going to the bunker.

down there screaming she can't hear you in the bunker see el chapo just pop into your living room you're like what the fuck yeah the mexican the jews must have bumped into each other what the heck are you doing down here yeah that's nice i understand the tunneling though yeah get down there It's like, you remember when it would snow when you were a kid? You go, I'd love to build a tunnel.

Oh, yeah, dude. It's like the way Billy likes big boy toys. Yeah. I bet Jewish dudes, you're like, why are you tunneling? They're like, I don't know. This is like my favorite thing.

It's fun. It's fun to do sneaky, no one knows what I'm doing now. I don't know what it is. I just like tunneling underneath New York. I could be, you know, in my house. Next thing I know, no one sees me. Next thing I know, I just pop up in another house and everyone goes, who the fuck is this guy? Yeah, we can't. We're never going to move on. Number one, Mexican boat hitting the bridge.

It's never not going to be funny. Alzheimer. Jewish guy coming out of the fucking sewer grate. Sorry.

Yeah, we got to talk at the GOG.

That's probably there. That was kind of ours. Charlottesville was tough for the honks. Yes. I remember that because I vividly remember that. We had a podcast. We had a live podcast at Helium the night before, and I was like, Trump fucking rules. White people are back. I was thinking it was funny.

The next day, Charlottesville happened, and I was hungover laying on a couch watching the news going, oh, not good. We might have to delete that podcast.

The steward. The steward.

We probably had a conversation on the phone, just like, dude, I don't know. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious, but I don't think we should do it. I know. Charlottesville, yeah. Fuck. I know, what an idiot. Dude, the hangover, laying on the couch, watching Charlottesville, just going...

And he was a big... He was a big... He's kind of a big dog. He was a thick gay steward.

It was a death sentence back then.

Getting home, trying to text her.

I am. I am. Yeah, it's a message. One of the babes. Dude, I... Get hit with an away message, you go, ooh.

Was it the kid's name?

He goes... Oh, I'm into that. Yeah.

He was just attacking the teacher.

Just getting home from a long day of school. All the kids are fucking pieces of shit. You go, all right, I'm going to see what's going on on the World Wide Web. Oh, it's followed me home.

Oh, yeah.

Almost like all of the teachers. Really? Dude, my high school was like a poor Catholic school. Yeah, yeah. We had teachers that were making like 20 grand a year. None of them were qualified. I don't even think you had to have a teaching degree. Yeah, there was one lady who was, she was, I don't know, she was fucking blind. But we had doors in the front and back of the classroom.

And when she was teaching and I had a period off, I would see how many times I could walk laps through her class before she noticed. She'd be teaching and I would just be walking through the class. By like the sixth lap, she'd be like, Mr. Gillis. What are you doing in here? She was like a fucking idiot. We had a lady who, big dog. She was funny. She was nice.

But actually, she was our science teacher. We went on a field trip. And she was like, what do you guys want to do for lunch? And I was like, old country buffet. I got a chain on the bus. And she was like, old country buffet. She took us to OCB. That's awesome. Yeah, she was awesome. But I would sing Werewolves of London under my breath at all times.

Anytime she turned her back, I'd go, I saw a werewolf, a Chinese man, and she would go. Right, yeah. And then, oh, fuck, there was a game we played. It was like cow in the pen or something where we would all pick up our desks and surround her. And she was just one of those ladies that was like, what are you guys doing? Cut it out. That's so sick. Yeah. She was awesome.

And he would just jump out of the bed.

It's the only way to combat it. Yeah, exactly. Because if you spaz, it's over. Oh, dude. Because you have teachers that spaz.

We had teachers spaz all the time. We had ladies cry constantly. And then, oh, man, that was the best. When we were growing up, we had a...

teacher that would cry all the time in spaz but she also sang in the church choir and we didn't have a choir but she would sing at church we had like one lady sing did you ever have that yeah it's just one woman they'd play organs and you'd hear a lady but uh we uh we would always tell her how much we loved her singing Gentle woman. Such a good song. He's full of. Yeah.

And her and another lesbian teacher would sing it. They would duet it. And we would be like, can you guys, can you please sing it? And they'd be like, fine. We'd be in the middle of class. We'd be like, can you please sing that song? And she would sing it and we would all laugh. And then she would do it again. She fell for it every time.

Yeah, there'd be some nice ones.

songs and then we just had like you know cantors here and there would come in strut their stuff the uh we've talked about i think before but the one that always got me was at the end of christmas mass they sang joy to the world fired me up every time yeah once it started i'd be like oh it's time to play with fucking my big boy toys this is the most lit song it was charlottesville yeah it was too litty

Church is done, dude.

It was the longest mass of all time. Oh, my God. It was one hour, but it felt like an eternity. It did.

You got a whole bunch of toys at home.

I know, you always have to wait for the fucking priest to go. And then we got to shake his hand out in the fucking narthex. Now, what was it called? The fuck's a narthex?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the narthex. We've got to meet up in the narthex to shake the priest's hand.

It's all in there.

She was kind of like... She was in on it.

Yeah, you got to talk to him. You got to explain to the priest why you were talking during mass today. I was bad.

Getting out to the Narthex was so nice, though. During masks, he'd be like, I have to go to the bathroom. And your parents would be like, no, you fucking don't. I know you don't have to go to the bathroom. Dad, I had to.

Yeah, you just go out in the north exit and go, god damn, it's nice out here. It's quiet. No one's out here. I feel like I'm doing something.

Fucking standing in the back. Yeah, my dad would spend the full hour just the most furious anyone's ever been. Start to finish of mass. He'd be like, you fucking made a noise. He'd be like, shut the fuck up. Come here. Come here. Come here. You had to sit next to him. He'd go, fuck.

by the back of the neck and dig in and go, shut the fuck up. Sing. Sing a fucking song.

You'd get sent down next to Dad. That blows, dude.

It is crazy, man. Every single boy is just fucking rock hard. Diamond hard. You're the most horny you've ever been in your life, and your dad's next to you going...

You should have. That's the only way to break the curse. You got to give it to somebody else. Everyone's disrespecting you. You have to disrespect somebody else.

Knock it off. I wonder, you know, I never got around to asking my sisters, but do you think the ladies get fucking horny in there too?

You think the girls are horny too? For sure. Yeah, they must be.

Get your ass off the pew.

You guys don't even know. It was tight, man. Lemaire hates Catholicism. I went to Catholic school. True, you got kicked out for diddying. You had a free golf that kicked you out. Yeah, it used to suck. Catholic church? Yeah.

What? Yeah. We had church. Did you guys have church during school hours?

Because that would fucking rock. Every class is going to be 10 minutes shorter. Yep. Fuck yeah. Me and my boys would belt out too. It was so fun. Church and school was fucking hilarious.

Screaming as loud as you can.

I'm singing. I'm allowed to sing.

I'm singing the songs. This is how I sing.

This is how I worship. Get off my back. All right, we should switch over to Patreon.

I caught some strays on my flight home this weekend. Did you? Yeah, just some fucking drunk guy sitting next to me or across the aisle, and he was like, I could tell you're somebody because I saw your lady friend that you're with, and then I saw you, and I was like, what? I was like, oh, cool, man. Like, what the fuck was that for?

Yeah, I get hit with that all the time. Last night, we were out, and a guy was like, my friend looks retarded, too. I was like, yeah. Cool, man. Thanks, man. Can I have pictures? Yeah, for sure. Can we look retarded in the pictures? I don't have a choice. I'm gonna. Let's get the picture.

I get it every day.

I haven't seen you in a week, so I miss you. There's another disrespect.

We can't get in.

Fucking mumble through text.

You do have a plus-size squad.

Thank you, babe. Babes with braces, they must be humble. True. Unless they get hit with a fucking... Shut up, brace face. They have to be humble at all times. True. Nice braces, you 50-year-old fucking... Wow, wow.

Now that's something we would say if we were being mean.

If I got attacked by a brace-faced lady. Yeah. I'd go, I don't know who you're talking to with those fucking braces in your mouth.

Adult braces are fucking sick. I love them. I mean, to be rocking braces instead of Invisaligns at this point. It's awesome. It's kind of a power move, honestly. I know. Terrell Davis had braces. Did he really? Yeah, he was the man. Running back for the Broncos, you remember him? He had fucking braces. Game day 98, that was my go-to. Yeah, he was nasty. He was awesome.

Adult braces, they should come back. My friend's dad got braces and it was fucking hilarious. That's wild.

Yeah, you can't wear braces at a construction site.

That's been passed down to Billy.

Billy was talking to me yesterday about it.

He did have a nice answer. I was like, dude, why do you keep buying? Why do you want a huge, expensive truck? He's like, I just like them and they're my favorite things. That's fair. I was like, well, that's totally fair, man. He's like, it's the one thing I like in this entire world. I want a big truck. All right, man. He does love big trucks. He loves big trucks.

hops and he goes damn he's like looking around oh this is a wagon they're so nice dude the escalator is probably 160 it's crazy i'm like stop giving me truck new escalators are sick though are they yeah yeah they're on his radar he's like they're fucking 160 they're crazy dudes oh my dude that's the least practical truck for where his vehicle for where he lives don't get a little beater bro get the bucket get in the bucket that's all he needs is a little bucket i'm surprised you're whipping that uh accord

You're a millionaire, Sean.

You're the richest guy ever. Oh, I'm not.

As a big boy toy. The Fatmobile. Five fat in the Fatmobile. Five fats stumbling out. Everyone's arguing over it.

I don't know. They are suckling off you. All your ad revenue.

Yeah, you could have got a civic. You don't need all that space. But I get it. Once those checks start rolling in.

I love telling the group chat how rich you are. All the New York, we're in a group chat with the most evil New York comics. Vampires. They are vampires. They fucking, they're like, Austin comedy sucks. I just screenshotted the cellar lineup yesterday. I was like, New York's sick. This fucking garbage lineup. They're purists. They're such purists, dude. Yes. Purists.

Oh, man, we might be getting some Chantilly Lace coming up. What's that? That would be so awesome. One of the ultimate vampires is Lev. Guys, this episode is brought to you by PrizePix. The basketball playoffs have been unbelievable, and the action is still heating up on PrizePix, the best place to cash in your favorite sports. Matt, what do you think about the playoffs so far?

Who do you have winning at all?

You've been surprised.

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Yeah.

Who else do you like?

Yeah, that's a good pick.

Shane Gillis Alexander going against the Ant-Man. Yeah. Are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed?

The Knicks are fun.

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Yeah, that would change things. You'd be able to get a bunker. This is what I'm thinking. Sample picks. I'm going to go Caitlin Reese, less points. Angel Reese, less points. More rebounds, though. She does get boards, dude. Yeah, that's what I think. There you go. All right, you heard our picks. Now it's time to lock in your playoff picks with prize picks. Don't miss out on Flex Friday.

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And I was actually still in college when I pretty much started working full time at the Gardner News. I was a correspondent, but I was doing four or five stories a week while I was still in school. I'm also very much like I see something new that I like and I'm all about it, but I can easily get burned out. Things catch my eye and it's like, well, I want to do that now.

That's also hurt me in my career because I think about. I don't want to get sidetracked, but my wife, who I love dearly, she did not go to college, but she's bright. She got a job at a corporation when she was 20 years old. She's worked at that corporation since then. She's a mid-level manager now, and she makes like $70,000 a year. And it only happened because she stuck with it.

That's true.

even now, like I'm super proud of my current position. Like, so Jason, we talked about how I told you I make $26 an hour. Now I started here less than three years ago and I started at $19 an hour. Hmm.

I think I'd like to make like $100,000 a year. Okay, okay. I'm happy with everything about my job except money.

No.

Process something I should be doing.

I love writing. I like teaching. I do like imparting my knowledge on others. And I don't know if that's different than teaching. I don't want to get into semantics. It's different than teaching children, I think. Teaching adults is a different thing, especially if they have the desire to learn. Maybe I've always not wondered, like, are people going to want to hear what I have to say?

Would they value what I have to teach them, I guess, is... The question again, this goes back to not sticking at things for very long. Like I can't say Sean has been a paralegal for 20 plus years. Come learn from him.

I really like that idea. The law firm here is part of an organization that does like seminars and things for lawyers. And during the seminars, they always have people that present their products and things like that. And I could picture myself presenting my products like how to write like a human. Yes.

How to communicate effectively with your clients, you know, or even developing templates that explain processes, you know, like you're getting divorced. Here's what to expect.

Theoretically, I could do that while still being committed to my current job. It's something that you can start and then see how it goes. And maybe it turns out that it's wildly successful and I don't need to be a paralegal, but maybe it doesn't. And it just means it's a way that I can get to that number that I need to be at.

I do not.

I really appreciate you guys today because I was thinking I was coming here and you guys would be like, Sean, don't you know that the hot new field is this? And maybe you could pursue a job in that. You can't just say to somebody like, oh, just go get a better job. Like that's not really a valid thing. You got to look at things differently. You guys definitely helped me do that.

That's exactly it.

I've never heard of it. So I have to go look.

So Jason, I heard an episode a couple weeks ago and you were talking about, you know, the way you got started was coming up with basically inventing memes. And you talked about your Twitter, the Twitter thing, selfies at funerals, stuff like that. But If we go way back, what I remember you getting your start with was scamming the scammers.

And your original website way long ago, the thing that drew me to your creativity was this month long conversation you had with a man from Nigeria. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

It does not.

Thank you, Jason. I've been talking to everybody I work with now, like how I'm going to be talking with a guy today. And 20 years ago, we were like almost in the exact same position. We had both graduated from college. We're both starting our new career in the field of journalism at a small town newspaper. But things have definitely taken different paths for us.

How did we end up in such different ways? And that's not to say your way is much better than my way or that I'm unsuccessful. But there are things that I wish maybe I would have done differently. So my question is now, how could I catch up? I haven't made the best career decisions in the past.

And some other things have happened that have kind of made it so that I'm not where I want to be as far as my career goes.

So if we go to the Wayback Machine to the Gardner News 20 years ago, Jason and I were both young reporters. I felt pretty successful there. If you've had to pick the ace of the staff at the time, it was me over Jason. I agree. I covered City Hall and our main city. I wrote massive amounts of stories. Jason already had big eyes back then. This was his stepping stone for sure.

For me, it was my hometown newspaper. I always kind of feel a connection with my employers, like I'm very loyal in that way. And I had like this idealist view of local journalism and the battle we're fighting and the public service that we're providing. I was happy to be a local news reporter because it was so important.

The primary reason was money. When I started at the newspaper, I think I made $10 an hour. This was 20 years ago. When I left, I think I was making $12 an hour. And it just wasn't feasible. So like I said, I had a lot of relationships in the community from being a reporter. And one of those was at the police department. And they had openings for police dispatcher.

And to me at the time, the pay, I think it was like $40,000, which was significantly more than what I was making. And I liked the people there. I had a good relationship. I'm like, okay, I will do that. So I took that position. I worked overtime. I think I made $50,000 a year. To me at that time, it was good money.

Yeah. So I get the job at the police department. I immediately know I'm not doing this the rest of my life. It was very monotonous. My favorite part of my job is I got to be an advisor for the Explorers program, which was a program that taught law enforcement to local high school kids. I really like working with kids. I said, I should be a teacher.

In Massachusetts, you don't have to have a teaching degree. You just have to pass a test. There's two tests you have to take. I passed both of them and I had my teaching license. I had a hard time finding a job for a while, and eventually I found a non-traditional school. My salary is $30,000 a year. I went backwards, but I'm like, that's okay. I'm a teacher now. It will work itself out.

I start to find a lot of success at my job. A few years in, I get nominated for an award, a national teaching award. I created an organic garden for my students. We called it the Fresh Start Organic Garden. It's amazing. And then the school was sold to another organization. The culture definitely changed. Fast forward three years and I can't really do it anymore.

The kids have changed and a former boss of mine is a principal at a public school and they had no opening and I applied for that job and I got it. The salary at that position was $63,000 a year.

Yes.

Not really. So this is my research is I talked to an uncle that I have when my career change is happening. He's actually he's very smart. And he said, you know, what do you like doing? And we talked about things I like doing. He goes, have you ever thought about being a paralegal? He says, I think they make like seventy five thousand dollars a year. And me, I said, well, he's very smart.

He knows what he's talking about.

Yeah.

In my mind, I always kind of find ways to justify like, well, if they're doing the average paralegal in Massachusetts and they're including Boston and Boston's rates are going to be much higher than the rates in Worcester or the rates in Gardner. That's fine.

I'm not going to drive to Boston to be a paralegal because I'd be spending so much money on the commute and my quality of life would be less. Maybe I have a hard time thinking, like, if I look that up, is it going to be accurate for me?

Part of the reason maybe that I hold on to jobs is maybe some of that fear as well. Like, I definitely could have left my job at the private nonprofit school many years before I did. And I think part of it was maybe it was insecurity about, well, I didn't go to school for teaching. Am I going to be able to go to another school and be okay?

Does that resonate? It absolutely does. Because I can even tell you, Jason, I went to school for one year to get my paralegal certificate because I had the opportunity to do so. Applied for jobs as soon as I finished. I took my second job offer and I did that because I'm scared. I need to get a job. And if we go way back, Jason, we talk about how our paths diverged.

I don't want to make a pity party for me, but I think our backgrounds are pretty different as well. I don't know your full background, but I know that, you know, Your parents seemed to be okay. I remember your dad was a dentist.

So my dad passed away when I was 20 years old and my mom wasn't in my life. So I was in college when my father passed away. My stepmother basically kicked me out of my house while I was still in college. Like I came home one weekend from college and she goes, your stuff's packed up. I don't know what you're doing, but you can't stay here. I was in a situation where I needed to have a job.

I needed to know what was going on because I didn't have a safety net where if I went a significant amount of time without working that I would feel like I'd be surviving. But I think that's a big thing. It's like, Jason, you maybe had more of an opportunity when we were starting out back then. Like, hey, if I take a chance and something doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not afraid to follow the things that I want to do. So actually, when I started in college, I was a business major and I started working at the college newspaper, like in the business office, and they wanted to start a business page. And I said, I'll do it, even though I didn't study journalism. And I really liked it. And then so I added journalism as my second major.

It was stark white, which has that almost moonlight-y reflective quality. It came to a point at the top when I first saw it. And it seemed relatively like stable or more physical at that point. And then as soon as it moved, it didn't look exactly the same in any two moments. It just darted into the woods without making any remote sound.

And it almost looked like it was zigzagging between trees to where for a half second it would be closer. And then it would take an angle and then suddenly look five, ten feet further away than it was a second before. This is all maybe from 30 feet away, 40 feet away. For a split second, it would look like it was nine feet tall. Another it would look for, maybe.

But the depth kept changing until it just completely faded into like behind bushes in the distance. especially by the time we got to the point in the trail where it would have been when we first saw it, trying to put it into perspective with the trees around it, it was hard to gauge zigzagging in a way that really doesn't make sense.

And we both froze, and we were just watching it, trying to track it. For a second, especially towards the end, when it was getting further away, it almost looked like like an enormous cattail in the way they kind of bob. And it made no noise. It was after it rained, so the woods are crackling, but we heard absolutely nothing while it's ripping through these bushes, maybe 30 feet away from us.

It wasn't translucent like that's that's actually one of the things that always strikes me about it thinking about it now like it was almost too solid it was very physical especially in being Twilight it was just very stark against everything if this makes any sense it almost looked like something that was overlaid over everything else to be honest now

A lot of how stark white it was is the thing that really sets it aside because of the fact that it was a dark day and this thing looked like it had no bearing on the environment around it. Branches it was running into and like the bramble it was going through, it didn't move. And I've replayed this in my head more than anything in my life at this point.

If this was something I was looking away from at the wrong time, it would have been so easy to miss. But we both locked onto it and just kind of watched it recede into the distance in five or six seconds. Both of us were pretty freaked out. It took us almost an hour to get to that point in the trail.

So my first thought is, okay, well, whatever that was, we have to just keep walking in the other direction. This, you know, kind of unlike the help thing at first, this we really weren't laughing about, especially based on feeling pretty isolated. And the fact that the weird feeling that had kind of hung over the day just felt like it was validated.

And the other thing that's making the whole thing worse is the fact that it is rapidly getting darker, like hitting now the middle to tail end of twilight. So we keep going on and eventually turn on our phone flashlights. It gets to that point. I didn't realize this at the time, but, you know, we were now holding hands, which we were not I didn't realize I was grabbing pretty tight.

I think I was trying to put on a face of not being as freaked out as I was. So we walk on for maybe five, ten more minutes. I'm looking at the woods the entire time. She's looking ahead. We have our flashlights on. And she gives the biggest like, gasp I've heard out of someone. It sounded like the wind got knocked out of her. And I look over to where her flashlight is in front of us.

And in the ground, maybe four feet across, is the word help etched in very scratchy almost threatening letters. At this point, she froze, like mouth to hand. I have never felt my stomach drop harder. My main thought was, we need to leave right now. My creeping thought that kept

coming in was not only that I can't believe this is really happening, it was almost the thought that if this is happening, then literally anything could happen by the time we get out of this trail. If we get out of this trail. We now started really walking hard, not running I think I was stupid enough to even at the time say, don't run. Mainly because I don't, we were still far enough.

I don't think we even would have had the energy to make it out. As we were going, eventually she's able to kind of snap out of it a bit. And now we're both walking extremely fast. And I told her, you look ahead and I'm going to look behind. I mean, it probably looked pretty ridiculous from afar, but I was speed walking backwards, just looking at the woods and flashing a light around.

To be honest, it was probably only something like 20 minutes. I could hear my heart beat the entire time. She asked, should we run? And we pretty much just start booking it from there. I was wearing Timbs at the time and I almost immediately tripped. which again, when you see it in movies, like everybody else, I always thought it was ridiculous when people trip at the worst possible time.

Having experienced it, it now makes a lot of sense. It's almost like I forgot how to run. Honestly, we made good time. I mean, she was an athlete. I am not. So we got to the end of the trail so fucking relieved. we're catching our breath. I even just looked back at the mouth of it for a while and went back to the car. We were the only car there, as we thought.

Got in, caught our breaths, went to drive out. And we didn't really talk about it much on the ride back in specific, but I remember trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the night or where to even go from there. And both of us wanted to be in a loud public space. So we got friends and we went to a bar nearby us. We told them the story, but kind of like

We both told like an abridged version of it because we were clinging to a certain amount of rationalization about it. And even the rationalization was horrifying. I got home and I again gave like a very abridged version of it to my parents. I remember even taking a shower that night and just replaying that same six seconds of seeing this thing over and over again. I actually ended up

you know, taking legal pads and trying to like draw it and be like, no, that wasn't quite that and it's not quite this. The next day I went over to her place and that was when we first started talking about what we think it actually was. We both immediately threw out the desperate sort of rationalizations we had to get through the moment and admitted that

We have no idea, but it was nothing normal. While we were talking, she went, wait, fuck, look. And there was a candle lit by us. And I was like, when she said that, I was like, oh, God, it's back. And it wasn't. She was just staring at the candle. And she was like, that's what it looked like. That's how it moved.

And it suddenly clicked to me that it was like, oh, wait, this, it did kind of seem like a impossibly white, skinny candle flicker. At this point, I was really just trying to put it all out of my head, and I was leaving for this road trip in two days. So I left. I went on a road trip with my friend. I told him the story. He was blown away by it.

I ended up having a panic attack on the trip while I was thinking about it too much. We were in New Orleans and he was like, oh, you should get a reading. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. My ex and I really, she barely will talk about it. She's thoroughly of the belief that this was something that doesn't want to be discussed.

And she's very superstitious about evoking it or potentially bringing it back. She's made her peace with it by putting it away. I find myself coming back to it maybe too often. One of the things that I've made peace with is the fact that whatever this is, and I can't remotely claim to know what it is other than that, it was something supernatural is probably the only thing I can give.

But it has opened me up in kind of a positive way to look at the world with a lot more openness and a lot more curiosity. Because if something like that is possible, then who am I to shut down any other belief? When it came time to move out to LA, I did very eagerly just because since then I haven't been fully comfortable at home. Even going back for holidays,

If I'm out at night and I'm around quiet woods or just in the Pine Barrens, I mean, I haven't been in a trail since.

My name is Sean. I'm from Long Island, New York, 26 years old, and I'm currently living in Studio City, California. Mostly trying to get into the film industry, but, you know, it's ended up being mostly working at bars, worked as a mover, office administrator. I've had maybe like seven or eight jobs in the three years that I've been here, all overlapping.

So when this happened, it was kind of between the tail end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020. It was on Long Island, specifically Manorville, where I grew up. I feel like it kind of has a reputation for being a weird enough place. Maybe I'm biased, but particularly Manorville. It's known as like the gateway to the Hamptons, but it's really just in the middle of the Pine Barrens.

It's essentially like a semi-rural area of cookie cutter development separated by huge swaths of woods. So growing up, I spent a lot of time hanging around in trails because most of my friends, you know, we were all in the same developments and the best way to get to them was through trails.

I mean, one of the best things we even had to do was take like an hour and a half walk to get to 7-Eleven, if that kind of illustrates how really little there was around there. I do think it was a great place to grow up for that reason. Like it did feel like, you know, kids kind of ran the trails. You would run into people and growing up, that was really cool.

I mean, I was really never afraid in the woods at all. The thing is, as I got older, I started recognizing that some of it was a lot eerier. It didn't help that the Long Island serial killer that like got caught maybe two years ago Four of those bodies were found in Manorville in some of the same trails that I was going through all the time as a kid.

There was always this feeling that, like, you could go down the wrong path and, you know, something could potentially be there. I mean, it's kind of like a Stephen King town in Manorville. Like, there's something that feels kind of off. So really where this story starts is getting home for Thanksgiving that last semester of college.

Flash forward 2019, I'm a senior in college and my girlfriend at the time and I had just recently broken up. We had been pretty much together since 10th grade onward. So it was a fairly heavy situation. And she was in New York City. I was in Boston. In hindsight, it was definitely bound to happen. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we had been together that long.