Shalom Auslander

The Seamus box in the prayer hall filled quickly. My homework, my test papers, my what I did this summer, even my highlights for children. And, buried at the bottom of the box, a pair of underpants my mother had written my name on with permanent marker. It seemed I couldn't go an hour without making something holy. and I wasn't the only one.

The Seamus box in the prayer hall filled quickly. My homework, my test papers, my what I did this summer, even my highlights for children. And, buried at the bottom of the box, a pair of underpants my mother had written my name on with permanent marker. It seemed I couldn't go an hour without making something holy. and I wasn't the only one.

Every morning, my mother wrote my name on my lunch bag, the name of God in bright red magic marker with a quickly drawn smiley face just below it. And every afternoon, Rabbi Breyer would grab my lunch bag, shout name of the creator, dump the food out onto my desk, and send me upstairs to the Shamos box with my suddenly sacred lunch bag. It didn't end with writing.

Every morning, my mother wrote my name on my lunch bag, the name of God in bright red magic marker with a quickly drawn smiley face just below it. And every afternoon, Rabbi Breyer would grab my lunch bag, shout name of the creator, dump the food out onto my desk, and send me upstairs to the Shamos box with my suddenly sacred lunch bag. It didn't end with writing.

I was standing at the urinal one day when Avi came in. "'Hey, Shalom,' he said. "'Name of the creator!' Rabbi Breyer shouted from inside the nearby stall. "'Name of the creator!' We heard him fumbling with his pants and ran back to class. Later, as we sat with our heads down as punishment, Rabbi Breyer explained that speaking God's name in the bathroom was also forbidden.

I was standing at the urinal one day when Avi came in. "'Hey, Shalom,' he said. "'Name of the creator!' Rabbi Breyer shouted from inside the nearby stall. "'Name of the creator!' We heard him fumbling with his pants and ran back to class. Later, as we sat with our heads down as punishment, Rabbi Breyer explained that speaking God's name in the bathroom was also forbidden.

And then, a few weeks later, it suddenly all clicked. I began spelling my name with an apostrophe without even thinking. My mother stopped writing my name on my lunch bag, and my friends stopped saying hello to me in the bathroom. It had been a hassle at the beginning, but now the whole God thing was growing on me. My classmates were named after rabbis and forefathers. Abraham? Isaac? Jacob?

And then, a few weeks later, it suddenly all clicked. I began spelling my name with an apostrophe without even thinking. My mother stopped writing my name on my lunch bag, and my friends stopped saying hello to me in the bathroom. It had been a hassle at the beginning, but now the whole God thing was growing on me. My classmates were named after rabbis and forefathers. Abraham? Isaac? Jacob?

Please, I was named after God. So I was surprised a few days later when I heard Rabbi Breyer, in the middle of an exam on the first chapter of Genesis, shout, Name of the Creator. I turned around, expecting to see him standing beside me, but he was on the far side of the classroom, standing behind Shlomo's desk, pointing a furious finger at Shlomo's test paper.

Please, I was named after God. So I was surprised a few days later when I heard Rabbi Breyer, in the middle of an exam on the first chapter of Genesis, shout, Name of the Creator. I turned around, expecting to see him standing beside me, but he was on the far side of the classroom, standing behind Shlomo's desk, pointing a furious finger at Shlomo's test paper.

Name of the creator, he shouted again. And he slapped Shlomo's hand, grabbed him by the ear, and dragged him to the front of the class. Shlomo isn't technically a name of God, but it means his shalom, his peace. And for some reason, that day, Rabbi Breyer decided that was close enough.

Name of the creator, he shouted again. And he slapped Shlomo's hand, grabbed him by the ear, and dragged him to the front of the class. Shlomo isn't technically a name of God, but it means his shalom, his peace. And for some reason, that day, Rabbi Breyer decided that was close enough.

But instead of feeling relieved that someone else in our classroom would share the burden of a holy name, I was disappointed. It was a pain in the ass being named God. But it was my pain. And it was my ass. Rabbi Breyer handed Shlomo his test paper and told me to take him upstairs to show him where the Shamos box was.

But instead of feeling relieved that someone else in our classroom would share the burden of a holy name, I was disappointed. It was a pain in the ass being named God. But it was my pain. And it was my ass. Rabbi Breyer handed Shlomo his test paper and told me to take him upstairs to show him where the Shamos box was.

I still didn't quite understand God's reasoning behind the third commandment of thou shalt not use my name in vain. But I suddenly had a pretty good idea of the reason behind the first. Thou shalt have no other gods besides me. It's one thing to be the only God. It's quite another, lesser thing to be one of two. I headed upstairs with Shlomo two steps behind me.

I still didn't quite understand God's reasoning behind the third commandment of thou shalt not use my name in vain. But I suddenly had a pretty good idea of the reason behind the first. Thou shalt have no other gods besides me. It's one thing to be the only God. It's quite another, lesser thing to be one of two. I headed upstairs with Shlomo two steps behind me.

I wanted to push him down the stairs. I wanted to shove him out the window. As we walked toward the prayer hall, I remembered that Rabbi Breyer told us that Moses had killed an Egyptian by uttering the name of God. Shlomo pushed his way in front of me and hurried to the Shamos box. Adonai, I whispered. Nothing. Yahweh, I said. Nothing.

I wanted to push him down the stairs. I wanted to shove him out the window. As we walked toward the prayer hall, I remembered that Rabbi Breyer told us that Moses had killed an Egyptian by uttering the name of God. Shlomo pushed his way in front of me and hurried to the Shamos box. Adonai, I whispered. Nothing. Yahweh, I said. Nothing.

I couldn't bear to watch him violating my Shamos box, so I turned and headed back to class, Shlomo running behind me, trying to keep up, using my name in vain and calling, Shalom, Shalom, wait up! As I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered, one last time, Elohim. Nothing. Nothing.

I couldn't bear to watch him violating my Shamos box, so I turned and headed back to class, Shlomo running behind me, trying to keep up, using my name in vain and calling, Shalom, Shalom, wait up! As I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered, one last time, Elohim. Nothing. Nothing.