Shankar Vedantam

Here's another story of acceptance that we received from listener Nakia, who's been married for nine years.

So I think Nakia makes a really important point here, James.

When we're trying to get our partner to do something, we often assume that if they don't like doing a specific activity in a given category,

they're going to dislike every activity in that category.

So if your spouse doesn't like running, it must be that he doesn't want to work out at all.

Or if your partner doesn't want to go dancing with you on a Saturday night, it must mean that she only wants to stay home and be introverted.

What are your thoughts on Nakia's story here, James?

You say that one benefit of acceptance is that it tends to generate what you call intimate safety, the sense that you can be fully yourself with the other person.

What does this feel like, James?

Mm-hmm.

I understand that you yourself had a powerful experience of intimate safety in your relationship with your wife, James, when she went away on a trip and you were very unhappy about it.

Tell me what happened and how it turned out.

I'm wondering, James, whether separation can be useful in some cases to give a couple a break from their issues and gain perspective on their relationship.

We heard from a listener named Ellen who says she and her husband were married for decades and that she was the fern and he was the cactus in their relationship.

She writes, I was desperate to have a loving marriage, but I think that all my striving pushed him away.

Finally, after about 35 years, I was in so much pain, I asked for separation.

We were apart for three years.

When we came back together, we could appreciate the things that brought us together in the first place.

During that time apart, we both learned and changed.

It was as if we had pushed a big reset button.