Shep

It's like that cat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Avi, Avi, Avi, they're going to eat it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wow, wallpaper.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepard.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability. We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown.

And it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network. So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Look at that. We'll tell you in a second.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dax Shepard.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk. Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network.

So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

Hello, I'm Dak Shepherd.

And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human.

We love it here.

Also, we're friends.

Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondery Network. So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube.

36.

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Exactly.

I will say, I just have to say that backstage at one point, Austin organically at one point said, it's insanity. And I was like, yes.

But like, what do you want me to do as a friend to Austin that I wasn't doing before?

But like, that was Austin's whole point. That's why he went to your house. Cause he's like, we're, it's like business. We do like, we work out and we record a podcast and it's like, we're not friends. We're like business partners. And now Craig is like, wow, I just feel like I don't even know him anymore. It's like, yeah, that's the point. That's why he went there.

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24 hours of my day now working watch i can turn my fireplaces on with my phone it's work and also craig saying i feel like he takes our friendship for granted weren't you the one like wasn't he the one who said let's go play golf and then you bailed the night before so that way you could go gardening i like this scene just happened like two weeks ago like i remember all of it yeah

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I have a sweet, sweet goldenrod light jacket that I got from Quince. I got a bracelet. And, you know, we're about to go on tour. And so I'm going to need to get some cool looks for when we hit that stage. And guess what? I'm going to go to Quince to do it.

so now we go to JT's apartment and he's like doing his typical like JT having a scene in the apartment scene and now he's like trying to bring a match across the room and hope he doesn't fall and it falls oh my god what a wacky guy so he calls his mom bunny and she's like Hi, sweet angel. How are you doing? Did you ostracize yourself from another group yet? He's like, yeah, mama, I certainly did.

Well, I'm going to go to Augusta to play golf with some friends since I think my friend group's not doing so well here. If that doesn't work, I'll go to my middle school friends and then my high school friends. Mama, God, I love you, mama. I'd never call you the B word.

Yeah. You know, it's weird to feel like you've done nothing wrong except be honest. And it's like flashback to him telling Taylor like Gaston, Gaston was cheating. So he's like, and somehow it gets turned upside down to where you are evil. And I mean, I think the part that hurts the most here is like, why flame me?

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Well, because you're an outsider and you came in and you're trying to have TV moments and you overplayed your hand. You did a pretty good job last year, but you fucked it up with the reunion and you've been on a losing streak ever since.

And to think that he did have a second chance.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, I don't feel like you get to be the one to declare that. And, you know, he was, he was getting a second chance to this group. And the fact that he like sacrificed it all over Taylor, that's what's, that's what's so sad. And like when Taylor went storming out last week, he should have been not like, what is the truth? I'm just telling the truth.

He should be like, I'm sorry. Like he should have just gone to apology mode and be like, I didn't mean to upset you. But instead he was like very much about like, I'm telling the truth. And then Craig got on his ass. And now, I mean, like, he's just, it's, it's over for him.

So Bunny is like, yeah, well, while you're away, I'm going to come to your apartment. And he's like, all right. You know, you also have access to my assistant, Shannon, right? And she goes, and your fiance, Vanita. He's like, mother.

Bless his heart. Bless his diluted heart. So now we go to Vanita's house and she's putting together some snacks and Leva comes over with some herbs and they're going to make some spritzers. Vanita's like, I'm going to give myself a little pat on the back. I'm a great host and I think everyone can benefit from a Vanita Aspen hosting class.

I can teach you how to set the table, pour the drinks, cocktails, and make snacks. The timing, the attire. I was like, good for you, Vanita.

uh because you know you're probably not gonna last after this season so set up your post show plan i love it get those glasses in do you think they're gonna fire vanita i mean vanita is so lovely and likable she's got great style she's beautiful she's she's smart she seems great but like on this show, like, it just seems like no one pays attention to her.

And I mean, this is the most storyline she had this episode. And I just think she's just not messy enough to be on this show.

She's like, I'm sorry, I can't have your lunch. I just had another batch of cookies that I made with my child in my kitchen. And then I went to the best restaurant in all of Charleston Republic. So anyway, good to see you, Vanita. And Leva says that Vanita, well, she says that Vanita is giggling a lot. And when she does that, it usually means that she likes someone.

So Vanita's like, oh my God, there's so much to want.

This is Manny's fault, because he up and left Vanita, and now she's just spiraling into a rebound. And Manny, just so you know, just know the damage you cause when you do these things. When you go off to Broadway and leave your lady behind, you don't know where that vulnerability and that heartache is going to send her. And it's sending her towards JT, and that's just not nice.

That's a cruel thing to leave in your wake, Manny.

She's like, it's like, I'm what's he's in the show right now. Um, what is it right now? I forgot. Oh no, he was in Illinois, which I think closed.

So any who, so Benita's just talking about having a crush on JT, which is as fascinating as you can imagine. And Lev is like, well, have you ever told JT that you think he's cute? She's like, no, but I plan on having JT over for dinner. And I guess we'll hopefully talk it out while we eat Branzino on my sofa. Could not be more of an awkward seating arrangement for an awkward date.

Hmm. So, um, and then she's like, when I'm interested in a guy, I'm not going to wait for him to make the call. I'm going to be the first one to say, Hey, how are you doing? So today at 1230, I expect you to pick me up. Like you answer to me. Um, I'm all for that. Just, but also if you're going to do that, pick it, pick better candidates. Yeah.

So Benito's like, yeah, he's a marriage guy. He's not like the rest of the boys. Like if he finds the right girl, he's going to get married immediately. Well, he actually was married. And I think we all saw how that turned out.

So anyway, now we go over to Sally, who goes to a place called Bevy Benny Brewing, which I guess is better than frothy beard or sweaty crotch microbrews or whatever they're called. And so Molly arrives and they haven't seen each other since the tuba. I was kind of wishing that Molly just brought her little tuba and they just poured beer into it and she just drank out of the tuba.

so they sit down in chairs that are like oh my god this chair was like much lower than i was expecting i know it was like really low dude wasn't that so funny how low it was it was really low oh my god oh my god did you get botox today i got on my chin you got on your chin i got on my lips oh really i got on my forehead oh my god i got on my elbow oh my god we got botox everywhere i got filler too oh you got filler where'd you get your fellow so they just sort of compare notes on everything they've they've done to keep things fresh

yeah um so then molly explains that her boobs are from like she has thighs and her boobs from a fat transfer because she uh she says you know my anchors were my ankles were a little thicker than your average person and i was always a bit bothered by it so i finally i got ankle and calf liposuction and i shot the fat into my boobs because i had new movies it's amazing

That's amazing what we as humans can be insecure about.

When she said that, I was like, oh, Ronnie is going to be in bliss. I was like, Ronnie's going to love this.

I knew you were going to say that.

So then Sally's like, by the way, she's like, I think it was Ryan was trying to tell me that you seem like you'd like be a good fit for Shep. Like he's kind of hot. And Molly's like, yeah, Shep is hot. Shep's a hottie. And I was like, girl, you have to get out of Charleston. You are JTing the bar as in lowering it. And so Sally's like, yeah, I mean, he is hot.

And well, he wasn't hot when I got with him, but you know, he's looking hot now. Now he's taking ayahuasca. And then we see a rare Ryan clip where we're at the symphony and Ryan leans over to Shep and it's like, Shep, by the way, I think Molly likes you.

cause I would look like a fricking idiot. So, um, Sally's like, yeah, but y'all would have a cute, cute couple though. You're both tall. Yeah. We have, we'll have giant children and great personalities. Oh, at least one would, the half good personality, the other half personality. I don't know, but you can play tubas. Your kids would play tubas.

So Shep now goes over to a restaurant with little Craig. And Austin shows up. And little Craig wants to get involved in the action and stuff. And they're just catching up. And Austin's like, so anyway, what's been going on? And he's like, well, gosh, it's been like a really hard week for me.

Gosh.

Gosh, where the fuck are you? Gosh. So Shep is like, I mean, yeah, she could have like been rushing her, but whatever. But she was like, I'm in the Bahamas. And I said, I don't like not talking to you because I love you.

Well, because Sierra had the good sense to make herself unattainable, as opposed to Taylor. Because Shep is always going to be, he always loves the chase. And Taylor made it too easy. Now, I'm not saying that's right, because I don't think in a relationship you should have that at all. And I don't think it's bad that Taylor likes a guy. So if he's like, hey, where are you? She responds.

I'm just saying that Shep is a dog. And so he's really in it for the chase. And Sierra's keeping the chase on. She literally went to Africa.

Yeah, it could be. But I think that fuckboys are inherently all about the chase. I think it's like for fuckboys, it's just about getting those notches and they're just going to, you know, it's all, it's about conquests. And I think that's, that's what I see in Shep. I see someone who is, I see him going to, I think when he knows he can have it all, he gets restless or at the very least it's that.

So maybe it's not about chasing. It's about not, it's about being restless. Who knows? All I know is that this relationship is not going to work out. Yeah.

This is so, this is too much. This seems like someone who is like cracked out of his mind, like spiraling. Like if I got that text and I was here, I'd be like, yeah, sorry. So the president of the Bahamas called and they said, I'm not allowed to leave the country and you're not allowed to come into it. So I guess we can't see each other anymore. Bye.

So Austin's like, yeah, well, what did she say back to you? And Shep says, okay, well, she wrote this. She said, I'm sorry.

It means that you are like a 47 year old man baby who clearly was on something, texting her, love bombing her. And she was like, too much, too much.

Yeah, well, gosh, I really feel so bad for Shep having to finally feel what it's like to be in a relationship with himself, like every other woman who has had to deal with him. So he... Like, how many women has he done what Sierra is doing to him, too? Right? Like, it's... Turnabout is fair play, okay? Yeah.

It is a lot. It is a lot. Shep, for the longest time, told me that it's not like manly to be sad about a woman or to be sappy. So it's interesting to see, you know, the change. And I like it. It's like a humanizing quality to Shep. But at the same time, it's like, how can you love a girl you've only met like three times? It's insane right now.

And also, this is also a moment where Shep is... I do think the ayahuasca thing played into this, because I think he's starting to realize, like, oh, I'm a mess. I'm 67 years old, and I don't know really what's happening with my life. And I'm kind of immature. I don't have my shit together.

But if I get into a stable relationship with someone, that will prove that I am mature, and I'm an adult, and everything will be fine. And all the doubts I have about myself, all my insecurities, all the nagging feelings... that all my intelligence and all the money that's been poured into me is not turning into anything.

That will all go away once everyone sees and once I see that I'm capable of having a relationship. So therefore, this is what I've chosen. I've chosen this beautiful woman in a different country, and this will work out, and everything will be fine, and the illusion will maintain. And that, I think, is where his head is at right now.

I have a counter. I have a counter, which is all of you.

The answer is all of the above. Everything you said, everything I said. It all works together. It's all part of the package.

Just pick your meat. But like from Trader Joe's. So it's not from Bristol Farms. It's not a nice charcuterie. That was the biggest burn you've ever gave in this entire episode. It's not even Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's charcuterie. It's just that standard thing, the plastic, you peel it off, and there's some cheddar wedges, you know? Yeah. So that's what's going on. So where were we in here?

We had a really fun time, and I have to say, I have never seen someone receive the attention of so many women as Austin Kroll. The amount of women just coming up to him all night long, giving him numbers. I mean, it was insane right now, man. It was insane. I've never seen anything like that.

shep trying to trying to do this faux humble thing like some quote-unquote big shot's gonna come in when jeff is like see this see this county we own it you know like you come from old old old southern money okay you are a big shot i think that's what he's saying i think he's like i'm a big shot but this other guy's probably like pretending to be some big shot maybe he's a bigger shot

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Yeah, and then Austin's like, oh, yeah, well, I love the initiative. Yeah, it's first time I've really seen it from anyone in this cast, at least in the men.

And, you know, it's like, honestly, I just want to see. Oh, so they start talking about Craig. I'm sorry. And because Craig calls, that's who Austin says, I like the initiative because Craig's like, hey, what's going on? I want to hang out this week. Oh, love the initiative. Yeah. Okay, bye. So then Shep is like, you know, this is good. You guys can become friends again.

When was the last time you saw him?

Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap. For part two, keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half. Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine DiBernardo has our heart-o.

Erin McNicholas. She don't miss no trickless. Jamie. She has no less namey. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo.

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Have a heck of a time with Rebecca. She sure is swell, it's Raquel.

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It was such a fun time. And what a wild thing to be able to get to do that. It was cool to see the way Watch What Happens Live works and being backstage and everything. And it was truly wild. And thank you to everyone who's being so nice to us and sending such nice messages and comments. It's just really, it's like a really fun energy to go into this weekend with. So thanks everyone.

yeah oh and don't forget bitch sesh we were also on bitch sesh uh this week our first ever crossover with bitch sesh and also check out virtual reality page sixes um show that we did as well so like go check us out everywhere we're spamming the world with our sit with our faces that's a perfect way to put it we are spamming the world we're basically standing outside with pamphlets like

Those wasps seem totally unbothered, which makes sense because this is basically a show about wasps. So, like, not an issue for them. By the way, the one thing that I was thinking about when Austin was dealing with that, first of all, kind of scary. God, fucking wasps. Why do they always build their nests on doors and door jams? They really have to, like... Just be better at it.

Go somewhere else. Go somewhere that's discreet and then do your living there, but not on a door jam. What was it about seeing a giant creature walking in and out of a door that made you say, you know what? I'm going to build my house there. It's like saying, hey, see that highway? See the 405 highway? I'm going to build my house on the median right there.

Listen, they're very progressive. They like high-density housing, and they will take non-prime real estate.

He just spat the wasps to death. But you know what I was thinking about the entire time? He sprays the wasps and then he runs away. But the cameraman's still there. I was like, what is this poor cameraman going to do? I think it's significantly harder to run away from wasps when you're holding an expensive piece of camera equipment.

that is that is some hardcore camera work right there dealing with austin taking me out of wasp nest so um then we have molly and she is doing one of those i forget what you call them where you go up you're on a machine and you go upside down and it stretches you out whatever it is and my dad has one of those have you ever done one of those it hangs you upside down no it's so good i love those i always pretend i'm getting shaken down i'm like i'm sorry i'll pay you your

It's like an inversion table or something. Inversion table. Yes. That's what they are. I would just be afraid that once I get flipped over, I can't get back up. I know there's probably like a cord and a rope or whatever, but I know my ass. Once I go upside down, I'm just there until someone finds me.

So she's on there and her dog is looking at the camera kind of like, at what point do I become a fan favorite on Bravo? Like the dog's kind of like, I'm a golden doodle. Like I'm a coveted breed and all anyone cares about is like Jiggy still. And then you've got Charles sucking up all the air for the dogs on Southern Charm. And no one cares about Charles, but he just takes it all up. Look at me.

I am ready for you, America.

This dog is the biggest fucking user on the show. It's the biggest fame whore we've seen on this show. Just literally sitting there like, okay, so we're going to discuss. Am I going to get in the main credits or what?

When you get back, I'm going to start calling you Thomas Ravenel because you were in con and now you're not. You're an ex-con.

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Shave it. Yeah, you know what? It's time for brewing companies to also get their shit together with these names. They're just getting annoying at this point. You know, back in the 90s, everyone used to always joke about all the crazy names that the grunge bands would have. And it's like, oh my god, those stupid grunge bands. Well, guess what?

The spirit of that is back alive with these microbrews and breweries. Okay, Frothy, Beard, like, let's just, let's not. I mean, it's bad when you make Trop Hop look like a pretty chill name. Yeah. Let's just get back into good branding. Greasy butt hair.

Excited. So Craig is like, I've been looking forward to seeing you.

I'm like, why are you then friends with the most disloyal people on Bravo? I know.

And also the fact that he was insinuating that Brett was jealous of him. Although Brett was kind of jealous.

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Mm-hmm. All I know is the biggest traitor here really is Madison, because last time I checked, Madison just was always going to take down Austin whenever she had a chance. And now suddenly she's like buddy-buddy with Austin. So you want to talk about a traitor? You're a traitor to us, the audience. Okay, you are our ally on the show.

the only evil empire i will stand you working with is miss patricia yes yes we will support that so craig is like i could not have been more wrong excuse me mom say that again I know, I know. I've been very genuine in my efforts to try to reintegrate JT into the group after I caused him to be banished with my own lies. But I just don't have the energy to help him anymore.

I know Shep especially. I mean, Shep really is like the worst food eater.

And are you going to also watch Severance season two? Because everyone's talking about that one.

And Matt's like, Shep, what are you going to say about that? Shep's like, well, gosh, well, you heard it from Sienna's pretty little freckled lips first that I didn't hear. I didn't hear that. I'm on record set by thing. I did not hear that.

Gosh, gosh, the fair. No, it was, gosh, it was nonsensical. The exact opposite of the Vietnam War by Ken Burns. Honestly, I didn't understand what he was saying.

I mean, this is so double standard-ish. With Craig, Austin talks a big game until it's time to talk the big game. But JT, he's an uneasy target. I stand for justice. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. I'm going to reuse that a few times.

I'm a good little boy. And I just don't, I don't want to interfere with that.

That was as close to feeling like a pinata as you could possibly be. It was like, I was like a big thing stuffed with candy hanging from a tree and people were swinging at me. What I'm trying to say is if you had a child's party, it's like, we get it.

So Shep is like, oh, you handle yourself very well. No, I'm going to fly home tomorrow.

Oh, poor guy.

And I think yesterday, you know, it just all hit me. So, you know, when you guys were like, leave your phone and let's have fun, I think I took that too seriously. So it's your fault. You guys made me get wasted.

Lips with freckles.

Here she comes to the boat. Then great.

No.

We'll hold the boat. We'll stop everything. We won't go on the seas.

He's like, gosh, gosh.

That's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to have fun.

No man is an island unless they have one.

He's like, gosh, it's been a year. It's been a year. I'm doing her a favor.

Gosh, Sienna and I, we went around that point and she was like,

He's like, yeah, it was like a $10 million house. And I was like, I don't know. Hey, do you feel like maybe you're not rich enough for her?

But then to be fair, he goes, but then again, who am I? Who the fuck am I? I'm a fucking wild son of a bitch. Sort of a disaster zone.

Grrr! I've read Shakespeare. I'm realizing that in the past, I was a wild man. But you know what, though? Last night counts as the past, and today is the now. So I'm feeling a bit inadequate because a lot of girls are seeking a stable life. And I'm like, Mr. Todd's wild ride, so I don't know.

Garsh! Garsh, I've been waiting. Oh, gosh. I'm just a garsh waiting in a store.

so food arrives it's all lovely and delicious and chef is like hey molly um not to belabor the point but remember how i was telling you about the text i sent to sienna the really romantic text that will surely win her over the one that ends with thank you for listening to my ted talk and she's like oh my god yes oh okay so what you want to talk about it

And she's like, yeah. I mean, even though you don't have any freckles on your lips, I'm a changed man. Look at me making cute jokes.

I'm going to the Bahamas, but I want to look cool. That's why I came to Kenny Flowers Flagship and Gamana Club.

Where can I get some florals? Where can I get florals? I just want to look cool.

Well, drinks can taste floral. I'll take it. Magic shorts too. Hey, listen, it's me.

Okay.

Fucking relationship. Oh gosh, I don't know how to act all of a sudden. I feel so helpless. I'm a little boy.

I swear I'm gonna have fun no matter what. That's my mantra, fun no matter what.

Gosh, it's been sort of interesting. I mean, sort of dismaying. It's been a while since we've seen each other.

Do not degrade her. Do not degrade her. She's a very accomplished, smart individual.

Yeah.

Well, maybe this is the talk, you know?

So Shep is like, you know, Gaston should come around. He chooses not to.

Gosh, nobody could deter me from coming around. Nobody. I'll always come around. I'm like Carly Simon and I'm coming around again.

So I wish you could dress me up.

And he's like, no, don't go. I want you to watch me change.

Gosh, we haven't seen each other in a month and a half.

I'm Dr. Wonderful.

Gersh. Sienna, I'm Dr. Wonderful. Why don't you call me back? Gersh. I don't have a job and I get money in a mailbox. Dr. Wonderful. Sorry, you're cheating. I'm writing a prescription for three hugs. As long as you return my text, Dr. Wonderful.

But I know you're busy, so I don't want to monopolize your time.

Like, but I want to go to Paris!

Yeah.

Mama, you just hit me up the side of the head with the cane.

being like, finally I can start their Rome website. Rome FK, am I right?

Madison's like, oh, hey, Molly. Nice to work with your beta brass.

Where is Zendaya's press?

Commercials.

So it's indoor golf. Children.

Cockatoos. Having silence.

I did not hear JT called Patricia a bitch for the record.

I'm a boy. I'm just a little boy.

Can I get an old-fashioned, please?

Little Craig is a child of divorce. So Little Craig's gone through a lot.

Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD.

He's like, look at me. Okay, everyone. Here's my book report on the Vietnam War. A transcript that I did all by myself.

Plenty of Garsh's. It just didn't work out on. Okay. Garsh. So I moved on to. Garsh.

But your tits are good!

Well, you know, whatever we have, whatever this is, this is a connection, okay? And that's really rare in this world. It's been a whirlwind, a passion, a love, and I haven't even given you syphilis yet.

Now you better learn to make some toast and eggs the way that I like them.

He's like, I hate labels. They're millennial.

He's like, here's what I tell labels. Get off my lawn.

So he's like, I'm just her, I got her a Megalodon.

I gave you a Megalodon, a Megalodon necklace. Do you want to watch? Hey, you want to wear my shoes? They were expensive. Come on.

So Madison's like, so what'd you do today?

A boy who wants a girl. A girl who won't say yes. A girl who doesn't understand the meaning of a Megalodon necklace. Gorsh!

Didn't he give that to you?

He's like, no, yours was a shark. Yours was just a regular shark.

Just kidding. You know, because passenger seat. I do have a car, but it's just a Buick. Probably not something exciting for someone like you wants a $10 million house, which is why you're dumping me in front of all my friends, right?

Cry my ceviche?

I would call it megalon, megalon cally.

You know, we've had a lot of fun. You know, we've had a lot of nice moments together. You're making it sound like it's all Meredith Baxter, Bernie and no Alex Keaton.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to Cuba tomorrow. I prefer communism.

And she's like, well, that might have just been a little too late. Right, Sienna? Because we were in love until the five minutes right before this dinner when you laid all that stuff on me.

Are you taking the Megalodon necklace with you, Garge?

What is that lobster?

And he's like, she was just in the firing line. I just feel terrible.

You know what this reminds me of? Oh my gosh. This reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, where Juliet was just standing on the balcony and Romeo started shooting her with a BB gun.

I'm here to be raw. I'm here to let people know how I feel. And guess what? You're going to hear it.

This is Craig's stand-in. Thanks so much, Craig, for everything you've done.

Fucking terrible, thanks for asking. Yeah, so you know that girl, Sienna? She's Miss Bahamas, right? Yeah, score, right, am I right? Well, yeah, I've been seeing her for a few months.

I'm handsome, I'm young.

You're drunk right now. Oh my God.

And he's like, I'm going to Cuba. Fuck this place. They don't require napkins at breakfast. Stop trying to wipe my face.

What an insane circumstance that I went through, but it's sure good to have my good old friends.

Itchels!

And he's like, it doesn't matter, Craig. It's happening.

So, um... I got you a license plate that says your name to hang in your bedroom. Get the fuck out of here, bro.

Why is that wasp in a bow tie? Evolution's happening too quickly.

She's like, with these tits, I look like a whore.

Hi, are you D'Amico? Talk to me about dinner. Looks like you've got everything under control. Wow, this dinner was supposed to be a coronation of our relationship. Oh, we're supposed to ride off into the sunset. Oh, but here I am, like, entering enemy territory almost. I mean, where do I even stand? What position am I even in? It's so hard to express.

In the words of Macbeth, thou art thouest, and sun is like flowerest.

Keep it in, guys.

Great, wow, that looks great. Oh, you set up a fire pit for my friends? Wow, you know how to light that? Do you have matches?

Sorry. I thought you were coming at me. I'm so scared of you.

Let's see. Take a look.

As Shakespeare wrote in his seminal play The Sisters Rose and Swyde, sometimes at all clouds your judgments, and that's okay.

Shep and I do commercial real estate, but I don't really do shit, gosh.

Wow, you're using words that only half the cast even understands. Hey, Sally, how many minutes is an hour?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, if Craig had been a bit more communicative looking back, maybe he could have sent a long text talking about the freckles on my lips and then making a bum mo at the end like, thank you for listening to my TED talk. Well, then, you know, that would have helped a lot, but you did have your talk with Austin on the beach, and that was very nice.

30-party friendships are very difficult when Apple is tracking your every single move. But I think, do not track! Do not track!

It's like a honey clip.

Now, did they get, were they just quoting each other and sourcing each other? Perhaps. But if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it might just be Ken Burns' seminal documentary, The Vietnam War.

And Andy's like, well, that's an HR issue.

I haven't had a chance to, but I'm healed. I had Ayugarshka and now I'm calm.

And Andy's like, all right, a conspiracy theory that Austin cheated on Audrey Lever.