Simon Rex

Oh, yeah. Little guy, right?

Oh, yeah. Little guy, right?

Just got a lady pregnant. Yeah.

Just got a lady pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

All right. At least Pacino, you've got to just let him go.

All right. At least Pacino, you've got to just let him go.

Oh, that's incredible. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get the photo?

Oh, that's incredible. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get the photo?

You want that photo, but you don't want to ask. It's a tough spot. It's funny you said it, too.

You want that photo, but you don't want to ask. It's a tough spot. It's funny you said it, too.

That's true.

That's true.

If he dies, though, I mean, he's going to forget the photo a bit later anyway. He's just saying that. He's never going to die.

If he dies, though, I mean, he's going to forget the photo a bit later anyway. He's just saying that. He's never going to die.

That was awesome. Yeah. He was great as, what's it called? Billy the Kid.

That was awesome. Yeah. He was great as, what's it called? Billy the Kid.

Old Henry. That movie. That was awesome.

Old Henry. That movie. That was awesome.

Shane wrecked it to me, and I watched it.

Shane wrecked it to me, and I watched it.

Oh, yeah. He's great in that, too.

Oh, yeah. He's great in that, too.

That's right.

That's right.

What's it like going to walk around Vegas with Pacino? You've got to feel like a boss.

What's it like going to walk around Vegas with Pacino? You've got to feel like a boss.

Thanks for having me back.

Thanks for having me back.

Wow. Yeah. I'm a fan out of the gate. I mean, when I saw him in Swingers 30 years ago.

Wow. Yeah. I'm a fan out of the gate. I mean, when I saw him in Swingers 30 years ago.

Oh.

Oh.

And he did his own court case, which is kind of sexy.

And he did his own court case, which is kind of sexy.

That was fun. What's that? P. Diddy. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Put him on the wish list of, like, all-time guests. Yeah, P. Diddy. Get him on there.

That was fun. What's that? P. Diddy. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Put him on the wish list of, like, all-time guests. Yeah, P. Diddy. Get him on there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Right, right. And he escaped from prison. Pretty impressive.

Right, right. And he escaped from prison. Pretty impressive.

Oh, so there's a new White Lotus.

Oh, so there's a new White Lotus.

I like him.

I like him.

That's a good point.

That's a good point.

That's Shane. Is that Pizzolatto?

That's Shane. Is that Pizzolatto?

Good name for R. Kelly.

Good name for R. Kelly.

Wow.

Wow.

Beat up the vet?

Beat up the vet?

You're going to listen to the director after that. Maybe we should do something different here. Fuck you.

You're going to listen to the director after that. Maybe we should do something different here. Fuck you.

Interesting. Oh, he was a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah, there we go.

Interesting. Oh, he was a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah, there we go.

So it's a vet versus a vet. It's two.

So it's a vet versus a vet. It's two.

Binoculars, camouflage.

Binoculars, camouflage.

Yeah, he's got some QAnon stuff cooking.

Yeah, he's got some QAnon stuff cooking.

That's a good question. QAnon.

That's a good question. QAnon.

That's great. They let him smoke in the theater?

That's great. They let him smoke in the theater?

And there was no Google. So he would just kill a bunch of people in Utah and then take a bus to Florida. And he was just back on the scene.

And there was no Google. So he would just kill a bunch of people in Utah and then take a bus to Florida. And he was just back on the scene.

Pretty much, yeah.

Pretty much, yeah.

Oh, yeah, there we go. He did an eternity war, just like, hey, everybody.

Oh, yeah, there we go. He did an eternity war, just like, hey, everybody.

What, does she get beaten up by a guy in the beginning?

What, does she get beaten up by a guy in the beginning?

Yeah, shirtless, cowboy hat. What was that, California? California with a K? Yeah, with a K, but this might be before California.

Yeah, shirtless, cowboy hat. What was that, California? California with a K? Yeah, with a K, but this might be before California.

Back on the scene.

Back on the scene.

Wait, is that his wife or his daughter? Where? Daughter. Oh, it's his daughter, okay. He's got the arm around the waist, looked a little chubby. Yeah, it was funny.

Wait, is that his wife or his daughter? Where? Daughter. Oh, it's his daughter, okay. He's got the arm around the waist, looked a little chubby. Yeah, it was funny.

Third one? I think it is. Holy shit. Wow. You had a solo, then you had a Halloween, and now here. Yeah, that's right.

Third one? I think it is. Holy shit. Wow. You had a solo, then you had a Halloween, and now here. Yeah, that's right.

To be abstinent, you either get a ton of pussy and pull back or just get none. That's it.

To be abstinent, you either get a ton of pussy and pull back or just get none. That's it.

Oh, yeah. I can see it. My Dahmer joke. Did you watch the show on Netflix?

Oh, yeah. I can see it. My Dahmer joke. Did you watch the show on Netflix?

Nice, a little oral distraction.

Nice, a little oral distraction.

Oh, watch it. Hey, hey, Joy Mode. We Might Be Drunks brought to you by Joy Mode. If you're struggling in the bedroom, it's time to check out Joy Mode. Their sexual performance booster is an all-natural science-backed supplement to give you Johnson all the tools it needs and nothing it doesn't. Joy Mode also supports your blood vessel, cardiovascular, and heart health.

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Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty well done. Super creepy, but it's set in the 80s. So at one point they bring Jeffrey Dahmer's dad into the police station. They're like, we got crazy news. Your son is gay. He's a serial killer, and he's a cannibal. And the dad's like, he's gay? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty well done. Super creepy, but it's set in the 80s. So at one point they bring Jeffrey Dahmer's dad into the police station. They're like, we got crazy news. Your son is gay. He's a serial killer, and he's a cannibal. And the dad's like, he's gay? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Athletic performance, blood pressure... erectile function. You never hear about function. All you hear about is dysfunction. So they're bringing back function. Functioning alcoholics over here. Oh yeah. Just mix it up with six to eight ounces of water and drink up to 45 minutes before you get it on.

Athletic performance, blood pressure... erectile function. You never hear about function. All you hear about is dysfunction. So they're bringing back function. Functioning alcoholics over here. Oh yeah. Just mix it up with six to eight ounces of water and drink up to 45 minutes before you get it on.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. And bring a kid, or they won't let you in. I had to learn that the hard way. But, yeah, this stuff's great. And, you know, a lot of these pills, you look like a psycho. A buddy of mine was at a restaurant with a girl on a date, and he liked her, and the pill fell out of his pocket. And he went to the bathroom, and two people said, get away from this guy.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. And bring a kid, or they won't let you in. I had to learn that the hard way. But, yeah, this stuff's great. And, you know, a lot of these pills, you look like a psycho. A buddy of mine was at a restaurant with a girl on a date, and he liked her, and the pill fell out of his pocket. And he went to the bathroom, and two people said, get away from this guy.

He's trying to rue for you. And it was a dick pill. Damn. So this is way better. So, yeah, put that shit in your cocktail and snort it. When it comes to your sexual health, you don't want to skip corners. Forget those sketchy gas station ED meds, too, and get Joy Mode. Go to joymode.com and get 20% off. Use code DRUNK at checkout. That's 25% off free shipping with code DRUNK at usejoymode.com.

He's trying to rue for you. And it was a dick pill. Damn. So this is way better. So, yeah, put that shit in your cocktail and snort it. When it comes to your sexual health, you don't want to skip corners. Forget those sketchy gas station ED meds, too, and get Joy Mode. Go to joymode.com and get 20% off. Use code DRUNK at checkout. That's 25% off free shipping with code DRUNK at usejoymode.com.

Sorry, U-S-E-J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Great sex solved naturally. Yeah. Like I was abstinent in high school.

Sorry, U-S-E-J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Great sex solved naturally. Yeah. Like I was abstinent in high school.

Yeah. But it's still good to just get it over with. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was actually blown before. Oh, me too. No, wait. I had sex before blown.

Yeah. But it's still good to just get it over with. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was actually blown before. Oh, me too. No, wait. I had sex before blown.

Whoa. Really? Yeah.

Whoa. Really? Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. What song is that? Perry Como? No.

Hell yeah, dude. What song is that? Perry Como? No.

My Dick. Like herpes.

My Dick. Like herpes.

Keeps popping up.

Keeps popping up.

Yeah, the jumping from roof to roof. I love all that.

Yeah, the jumping from roof to roof. I love all that.

Oh, yeah. So that's pretty great. What's another good sequel?

Oh, yeah. So that's pretty great. What's another good sequel?

Dumb and Dumber. No.

Dumb and Dumber. No.

Fast Five 11. Come on.

Fast Five 11. Come on.

It was unbelievable. I put a podcast in on a plane and John Wick on silent just because it's a great visual. Just the kicking ass and the knife fighting and the shooting.

It was unbelievable. I put a podcast in on a plane and John Wick on silent just because it's a great visual. Just the kicking ass and the knife fighting and the shooting.

By the way, that's so funny how overstimulated we all are. I know. I know. The pod isn't enough. I got to fucking. I had a porno going the other day while watching a documentary. I was like, what am I doing? I'm getting like the worst and the best kind of entertainment.

By the way, that's so funny how overstimulated we all are. I know. I know. The pod isn't enough. I got to fucking. I had a porno going the other day while watching a documentary. I was like, what am I doing? I'm getting like the worst and the best kind of entertainment.

yeah well i what'd you say about white noise sopranos oh yeah or i actually put on brown noise i do that just uh what's brown noise it's like white noise but different octave or something it's like a yeah oh all right noise more violent i got it all right well i was just in martha's vineyard and i'm like all right here i am the most relaxing place on the planet i'm sitting on a porch in a rocking chair looking out at the ocean there's boats the seagulls and i'm like

yeah well i what'd you say about white noise sopranos oh yeah or i actually put on brown noise i do that just uh what's brown noise it's like white noise but different octave or something it's like a yeah oh all right noise more violent i got it all right well i was just in martha's vineyard and i'm like all right here i am the most relaxing place on the planet i'm sitting on a porch in a rocking chair looking out at the ocean there's boats the seagulls and i'm like

I wonder who's texting me. What's on Instagram? Hey, let me check my For You page and watch some whore twerking. Yeah, we're fucked. So I put the iPod in. You got to leave the phone in the room.

I wonder who's texting me. What's on Instagram? Hey, let me check my For You page and watch some whore twerking. Yeah, we're fucked. So I put the iPod in. You got to leave the phone in the room.

I know. They're interacting. I see that all the time.

I know. They're interacting. I see that all the time.

It's hard. If you can get over the hump, like you're like, all right, I'm going to pick up this book and read it. And everything is telling you, fuck the book, get the phone. But if you can get over the hump of the boredom, you'll get into the book.

It's hard. If you can get over the hump, like you're like, all right, I'm going to pick up this book and read it. And everything is telling you, fuck the book, get the phone. But if you can get over the hump of the boredom, you'll get into the book.

Yeah, and I would say the same with sex with the wife. She's like, I don't want to. I'm like, give it five. I'll be done. She's reading. Yeah, she's reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, fuck me. But, yeah, got to push through. You got to do it.

Yeah, and I would say the same with sex with the wife. She's like, I don't want to. I'm like, give it five. I'll be done. She's reading. Yeah, she's reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, fuck me. But, yeah, got to push through. You got to do it.

And when you get to the other side, because they say if you go, they have all these retreats now where you go for two weeks and you don't use your phone, and the first four days you're like jonesing, and then you're like completely cured. You just got to get through it.

And when you get to the other side, because they say if you go, they have all these retreats now where you go for two weeks and you don't use your phone, and the first four days you're like jonesing, and then you're like completely cured. You just got to get through it.

Sure.

Sure.

No, that sounds like hell. But they'll get there. I bet kids, too, in the future will have a thing where they're like, going off phone is cool. Yeah.

No, that sounds like hell. But they'll get there. I bet kids, too, in the future will have a thing where they're like, going off phone is cool. Yeah.

Good.

Good.

Yeah, it's going to be weird when rap is corny. I know. You know, because we like rap. Right. So my kids are going to be like, oh, rap sucks. Yeah, that's like oldies.

Yeah, it's going to be weird when rap is corny. I know. You know, because we like rap. Right. So my kids are going to be like, oh, rap sucks. Yeah, that's like oldies.

Well, it's better than when the guy brings his own boombox.

Well, it's better than when the guy brings his own boombox.

Famous story. I used to work at the Rec, so it's just old people and poor people and me. And one guy would have the rap music blaring every day. We all hated him, but, you know. Radio Raheem. Yeah, exactly. But there's a racial component, so you let it slide. And then another guy brought one in one day, and they just played it together, and they hated each other.

Famous story. I used to work at the Rec, so it's just old people and poor people and me. And one guy would have the rap music blaring every day. We all hated him, but, you know. Radio Raheem. Yeah, exactly. But there's a racial component, so you let it slide. And then another guy brought one in one day, and they just played it together, and they hated each other.

And they're like, fuck you, fuck you, this is my music. And he's like, but this is my music. And now everyone else in the gym is going, now you get it. We hate all of you.

And they're like, fuck you, fuck you, this is my music. And he's like, but this is my music. And now everyone else in the gym is going, now you get it. We hate all of you.

Yes, the Larry David. Oh, is that a Larry David? Yeah, he's at dinner one time, and a guy's on this phone like, I know, right? Then the guy said this, and then Larry David just starts going, oh, man, the other day I was doing this. And the guy looks over, he's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing?

Yes, the Larry David. Oh, is that a Larry David? Yeah, he's at dinner one time, and a guy's on this phone like, I know, right? Then the guy said this, and then Larry David just starts going, oh, man, the other day I was doing this. And the guy looks over, he's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing?

Well, you got ADD.

Well, you got ADD.

Well, his wife was of age. He pushed her. So it was fine. What is it with serial killers and the three names? Is it because we identify them as three names or is it just a coincidence?

Well, his wife was of age. He pushed her. So it was fine. What is it with serial killers and the three names? Is it because we identify them as three names or is it just a coincidence?

So he hated tennis the whole time.

So he hated tennis the whole time.

Whoa. That's like Pryor marrying Joan Rivers, you know? It's crazy.

Whoa. That's like Pryor marrying Joan Rivers, you know? It's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great movie. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Never saw that.

Great movie. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Never saw that.

No. D'Onofrio. No. Oh, shit.

No. D'Onofrio. No. Oh, shit.

History of violence. Yeah. Viggo Mortensen. Viggo Mortensen. We didn't Google.

History of violence. Yeah. Viggo Mortensen. Viggo Mortensen. We didn't Google.

Where? The cartoon. Oh, yeah.

Where? The cartoon. Oh, yeah.

Really? Oh, my God. What the fuck? Is that the dog? I'm trying to keep it low when I don't want to interrupt.

Really? Oh, my God. What the fuck? Is that the dog? I'm trying to keep it low when I don't want to interrupt.

Oh, yeah, the mom. Yeah, that's funny. Thomas Matthew Crooks. Get down here. You got to find his name.

Oh, yeah, the mom. Yeah, that's funny. Thomas Matthew Crooks. Get down here. You got to find his name.

Oh, she's hot.

Oh, she's hot.

Muchy, muchy. Now, is she related to Moira tyranny? No. Okay.

Muchy, muchy. Now, is she related to Moira tyranny? No. Okay.

No doubt about it. Why is that?

No doubt about it. Why is that?

I think people were rougher. There wasn't as much health stuff going around. No one was like vegan or gluten free. Vegan Mortensen. Yeah.

I think people were rougher. There wasn't as much health stuff going around. No one was like vegan or gluten free. Vegan Mortensen. Yeah.

Well, they always show him versus Tom Cruise. Yeah, he's 22 right there.

Well, they always show him versus Tom Cruise. Yeah, he's 22 right there.

He was never a kid. No. Look at that. Wow. I see Paul Rudd. They got him next to Paul Rudd. That's not fair, though. At the same age.

He was never a kid. No. Look at that. Wow. I see Paul Rudd. They got him next to Paul Rudd. That's not fair, though. At the same age.

That's crazy. You look good, man.

That's crazy. You look good, man.

That'll do it.

That'll do it.

He's 51 in Cocoon? Wow. What? No way. That's hilarious. No one ever checked in on him? Like, maybe this guy's got some problems with health? He looks rough.

He's 51 in Cocoon? Wow. What? No way. That's hilarious. No one ever checked in on him? Like, maybe this guy's got some problems with health? He looks rough.

Oh, sure.

Oh, sure.

I know.

I know.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I bet we've had them, but we just don't know it. There's so many, they kind of go under the radar now.

I bet we've had them, but we just don't know it. There's so many, they kind of go under the radar now.

All right. I can't wait. And they read our script and liked it.

All right. I can't wait. And they read our script and liked it.

oh yeah what uh who who Netflix did uh these churning brothers who wrote this oh nice yeah yeah all right I'll check it out check it out it's all it's so good but yeah there's a there's an Instagram account called kids in the 80s and it's high school kids and they all look like they're 71 it's fucking weird man I don't get it that it wasn't that long ago I don't understand what happened

oh yeah what uh who who Netflix did uh these churning brothers who wrote this oh nice yeah yeah all right I'll check it out check it out it's all it's so good but yeah there's a there's an Instagram account called kids in the 80s and it's high school kids and they all look like they're 71 it's fucking weird man I don't get it that it wasn't that long ago I don't understand what happened

So we're getting better looking. Look at J-Lo.

So we're getting better looking. Look at J-Lo.

That's true. Didn't she just get divorced again?

That's true. Didn't she just get divorced again?

No. No. No, and neither does Affleck.

No. No. No, and neither does Affleck.

There you go.

There you go.

But she's laughing at like sucking someone's soul. Yeah. That's not a real laugh. Yeah. And no one is allowed to look her in the eye. So maybe that keeps you. No way.

But she's laughing at like sucking someone's soul. Yeah. That's not a real laugh. Yeah. And no one is allowed to look her in the eye. So maybe that keeps you. No way.

Yeah. That's on a writer. That's a real thing. That's out there.

Yeah. That's on a writer. That's a real thing. That's out there.

I want to put that on my writer. Fuck it. I like it.

I want to put that on my writer. Fuck it. I like it.

geez eye contact too intense i think that's when you lost this when you're drinking your own cool egg when you can't have people look at you get over yourself right i mean what the fuck are we talking about yeah i mean what's that all what did uh bill burr had a thing where he's some one of his favorite rock stars puts a hood up and that means don't talk to me and then hey if the hood's down i'm um i'm willing to socialize god what's his take on that

geez eye contact too intense i think that's when you lost this when you're drinking your own cool egg when you can't have people look at you get over yourself right i mean what the fuck are we talking about yeah i mean what's that all what did uh bill burr had a thing where he's some one of his favorite rock stars puts a hood up and that means don't talk to me and then hey if the hood's down i'm um i'm willing to socialize god what's his take on that

He said it's a good move because you don't have to look like a dick. You know, if you're like, I can't talk right now, I'm going to go in my room and lock the door. But if you've got the hood up, everybody just goes, ah, he needs a minute. He's an introvert.

He said it's a good move because you don't have to look like a dick. You know, if you're like, I can't talk right now, I'm going to go in my room and lock the door. But if you've got the hood up, everybody just goes, ah, he needs a minute. He's an introvert.

The hood means. I was trying to think of a joke that you got me. Yeah.

The hood means. I was trying to think of a joke that you got me. Yeah.

No.

No.

Oh, I do that with a bar. You ever on a date with a girl at a bar? Yes, impossible to not look at the fuck. Oh, here's a peeve.

Oh, I do that with a bar. You ever on a date with a girl at a bar? Yes, impossible to not look at the fuck. Oh, here's a peeve.

Oh, man. That's so cool.

Oh, man. That's so cool.

Good peeve. Yeah, they do that.

Good peeve. Yeah, they do that.

And I used to watch TV to go to bed when I was a kid.

And I used to watch TV to go to bed when I was a kid.

I got to rewatch it. I haven't seen it. It's Marty Brest.

I got to rewatch it. I haven't seen it. It's Marty Brest.

He's great. I love Roden. Was he a comic? Where did he come from?

He's great. I love Roden. Was he a comic? Where did he come from?

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Well, you're going into comedy. You could be ugly. Exactly.

Well, you're going into comedy. You could be ugly. Exactly.

All right, I got a peeve for you. Please. Now, I was just in Martha's Vineyard with the lady, so it's a lot of lady time.

All right, I got a peeve for you. Please. Now, I was just in Martha's Vineyard with the lady, so it's a lot of lady time.

It was great. It was great. We had a great time. You can't not have fun there. The beach all day, drinks at night, the food, the shrimp, the oysters, you know, it's great.

It was great. It was great. We had a great time. You can't not have fun there. The beach all day, drinks at night, the food, the shrimp, the oysters, you know, it's great.

We get like a little hotel right on the beach. Oak Bluffs.

We get like a little hotel right on the beach. Oak Bluffs.

and it's great and her sister's there with their kids so they have a pool so you can pop it on that do a little barbecue jump in the pool poke the kids and then get get the hell out uh but this is my my wife will do this one we'll walk by we'll be like hey we're gonna go get lunch let's go get lunch and we'll walk by a restaurant she'll go you want to go here or you want to go somewhere else

and it's great and her sister's there with their kids so they have a pool so you can pop it on that do a little barbecue jump in the pool poke the kids and then get get the hell out uh but this is my my wife will do this one we'll walk by we'll be like hey we're gonna go get lunch let's go get lunch and we'll walk by a restaurant she'll go you want to go here or you want to go somewhere else

And I'm like, well, I guess we're going here now. Those are the options already. We can go here or we can go anywhere else. But you're pointing to here. So obviously, I'm like, just tell me you want to go here.

And I'm like, well, I guess we're going here now. Those are the options already. We can go here or we can go anywhere else. But you're pointing to here. So obviously, I'm like, just tell me you want to go here.

Yeah, exactly. She wanted to do something else. But yeah, so it drove me crazy. I was like, just say you want to go here. She's like, I don't care. Well, you pointed this one out out of all the thousand restaurants. So just say it. Just own it.

Yeah, exactly. She wanted to do something else. But yeah, so it drove me crazy. I was like, just say you want to go here. She's like, I don't care. Well, you pointed this one out out of all the thousand restaurants. So just say it. Just own it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean? Like Asian, like sushi, Indian, sushi, pizza, fucking three. Yeah.

What do you mean? Like Asian, like sushi, Indian, sushi, pizza, fucking three. Yeah.

I know, right? It's crazy. Oh, they say the calories on there? Oh, I hate that. You have to. But everyone in there is fat as shit, so you're fucked if you're in there. If you're in there, you're getting fat.

I know, right? It's crazy. Oh, they say the calories on there? Oh, I hate that. You have to. But everyone in there is fat as shit, so you're fucked if you're in there. If you're in there, you're getting fat.

It's the last factory in America. They're all going away.

It's the last factory in America. They're all going away.

Oh, you see? He's addicted. He can't stop. I'm just kidding.

Oh, you see? He's addicted. He can't stop. I'm just kidding.

You want to do wrecks or you want to do something else?

You want to do wrecks or you want to do something else?

It's hard to pocket dial now with the iPhone.

It's hard to pocket dial now with the iPhone.

But it happens, yeah. It happens.

But it happens, yeah. It happens.

No, he's doing the same thing.

No, he's doing the same thing.

This one's Whisper. It's always at an 11.

This one's Whisper. It's always at an 11.

Get a life. Hey, nice.

Get a life. Hey, nice.

Yeah, but along with the butt dial, you ever done this one? I'm on Instagram, and, you know, sometimes a little notification will pop down. Oh, my God. So I'm like, hold on. Yep. So I'm like, oh, how about that? And you click on it, and it's actually Godfrey's doing a live video right now. And you're like, oh, shit, I don't want to be in Godfrey's live video. Ah.

Yeah, but along with the butt dial, you ever done this one? I'm on Instagram, and, you know, sometimes a little notification will pop down. Oh, my God. So I'm like, hold on. Yep. So I'm like, oh, how about that? And you click on it, and it's actually Godfrey's doing a live video right now. And you're like, oh, shit, I don't want to be in Godfrey's live video. Ah.

This is a brilliant observation.

This is a brilliant observation.

I don't want to watch Godfrey work out and talk to the camera, and so you have to click out, click out, but he probably saw you coming in. He's like, hey, Mark.

I don't want to watch Godfrey work out and talk to the camera, and so you have to click out, click out, but he probably saw you coming in. He's like, hey, Mark.

And I like Godfrey, but I don't want to watch somebody's private video or whatever.

And I like Godfrey, but I don't want to watch somebody's private video or whatever.

Great guest.

Great guest.

He doesn't laugh. I'm trying to picture it. Yeah, I can't do it.

He doesn't laugh. I'm trying to picture it. Yeah, I can't do it.

That was smart.

That was smart.

That's like having a card counter in Vegas. You got a gay fashion guy helping you dress. The gay fashion guy. The guy.

That's like having a card counter in Vegas. You got a gay fashion guy helping you dress. The gay fashion guy. The guy.

All right. I'm not just going to keep telling the story when I see what's coming. Couldn't get it out. I had to do the weird not shit. Like the end of New Jack City. He's like, fuck you, man. I was doing a lot of dial gauging down there. Like, don't open it up too much, but keep it closed so it makes a noise.

All right. I'm not just going to keep telling the story when I see what's coming. Couldn't get it out. I had to do the weird not shit. Like the end of New Jack City. He's like, fuck you, man. I was doing a lot of dial gauging down there. Like, don't open it up too much, but keep it closed so it makes a noise.

That's fascinating. Oh, my God. Your body knows as the keys open. You have a full 90s comic there. You ever notice? Yeah.

That's fascinating. Oh, my God. Your body knows as the keys open. You have a full 90s comic there. You ever notice? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But nothing better when your ass hits that scene. It just...

Yeah, yeah. But nothing better when your ass hits that scene. It just...

Yes. Yeah, I get a pod going on the sink, and I'm just shitting like a toddler.

Yes. Yeah, I get a pod going on the sink, and I'm just shitting like a toddler.

Etymology.

Etymology.

There you go.

There you go.

Shitting at the hotel room. It feels good to shit. Check your ass. There's a rec.

Shitting at the hotel room. It feels good to shit. Check your ass. There's a rec.

Etymology. Oh, man, there was something. Colonoscopy.

Etymology. Oh, man, there was something. Colonoscopy.

It's a good beer.

It's a good beer.

Milk in the prostate?

Milk in the prostate?

So did I.

So did I.

i guess same thing i got a book in there too so i'll mix it up yeah just like i guess you limit your time sitting there because your body like interview books like in the in the bathroom and you just read a passage interview books yeah like oh yeah you know like an interview i brought in the cheesecake factory man well remember as a kid i was reading ajax i had the you know the the like the scrub shit mr bubbles i'm just reading anything because you're so bored shitting

i guess same thing i got a book in there too so i'll mix it up yeah just like i guess you limit your time sitting there because your body like interview books like in the in the bathroom and you just read a passage interview books yeah like oh yeah you know like an interview i brought in the cheesecake factory man well remember as a kid i was reading ajax i had the you know the the like the scrub shit mr bubbles i'm just reading anything because you're so bored shitting

Yeah. He didn't like that either.

Yeah. He didn't like that either.

But then it's the great debate of like, did I think of more shit when I was just wandering out the window? Or do I think of more shit because I'm being stabilized by the Gaza, by porn, by fistfights, by animal attacks? Who knows?

But then it's the great debate of like, did I think of more shit when I was just wandering out the window? Or do I think of more shit because I'm being stabilized by the Gaza, by porn, by fistfights, by animal attacks? Who knows?

There you go. They were wearing full burkas. It was a bummer.

There you go. They were wearing full burkas. It was a bummer.

We have thousands of hours of footage of him from over decades, and I can't picture him laughing.

We have thousands of hours of footage of him from over decades, and I can't picture him laughing.

Let's see. Yeah, no auditioning. You got any audition tips, by the way?

Let's see. Yeah, no auditioning. You got any audition tips, by the way?

Natasha Lyonne.

Natasha Lyonne.

All right, that was the last one. I have to lean my way. Lean my way.

All right, that was the last one. I have to lean my way. Lean my way.

I hit him last time.

I hit him last time.

Yeah, exactly. That's just a good motto. You're enough.

Yeah, exactly. That's just a good motto. You're enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A very good note.

A very good note.

Just you're enough. That's heavy. I know.

Just you're enough. That's heavy. I know.

Because I have the same thing. I always think I've got to be on and do this. And then you'll watch some guy. I'm like, that guy's never on. But he's enough. I still like him here. Yeah. Yeah. That's good advice.

Because I have the same thing. I always think I've got to be on and do this. And then you'll watch some guy. I'm like, that guy's never on. But he's enough. I still like him here. Yeah. Yeah. That's good advice.

No, because the jokes are good enough. Yeah.

No, because the jokes are good enough. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just want the writing to be enough. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just want the writing to be enough. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. This is about as far as I'll go. So I was digging the other day. That's something. That's an act out.

Yeah, yeah. This is about as far as I'll go. So I was digging the other day. That's something. That's an act out.

Same with an orgy. One lady versus ten people. You're going to bring a different energy.

Same with an orgy. One lady versus ten people. You're going to bring a different energy.

To your point, you ever seen UFC fighters? Like the relaxed guy, you know, he's just kind of like this. And he's like looking at the other guys. Yeah. That guy always loses.

To your point, you ever seen UFC fighters? Like the relaxed guy, you know, he's just kind of like this. And he's like looking at the other guys. Yeah. That guy always loses.

Scarier.

Scarier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

I know.

Yeah, smaller.

Yeah, smaller.

Yeah, you do what you can.

Yeah, you do what you can.

Did you do the garden? I've only opened for people there. But you did the garden, technically did the garden.

Did you do the garden? I've only opened for people there. But you did the garden, technically did the garden.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Definitely.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Definitely.

You guys listen to that? I'm sorry. No, no.

You guys listen to that? I'm sorry. No, no.

Oh, it's way harder. It's weird. Because comedy is all about a conversation and connecting. That's right. And now it's so much easier to lose people.

Oh, it's way harder. It's weird. Because comedy is all about a conversation and connecting. That's right. And now it's so much easier to lose people.

It had to be.

It had to be.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, you had to be broad because no one knew who you were. So you had to appeal to everybody.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, you had to be broad because no one knew who you were. So you had to appeal to everybody.

Yeah. I do it too.

Yeah. I do it too.

right let me fucking bring out this fucking safe one for the corporate one so i don't totally die yeah point yeah it's like i remember going to see the stones and they're like we're gonna do a new song and no one cared they want the old shit give us the old shit well it's funny how rock and roll or music is the opposite you know in the beginning they're playing their niche cool punk songs and everybody goes they sold out man they went mainstream whereas comics are mainstream in the beginning just to get some traction and then you can become you

right let me fucking bring out this fucking safe one for the corporate one so i don't totally die yeah point yeah it's like i remember going to see the stones and they're like we're gonna do a new song and no one cared they want the old shit give us the old shit well it's funny how rock and roll or music is the opposite you know in the beginning they're playing their niche cool punk songs and everybody goes they sold out man they went mainstream whereas comics are mainstream in the beginning just to get some traction and then you can become you

Ah, it must be nice.

Ah, it must be nice.

I can't even do Vince Vaughn, but he has such a distinct style of talking.

I can't even do Vince Vaughn, but he has such a distinct style of talking.

You can learn the math of a joke a little bit, but you can't. Funny is funny.

You can learn the math of a joke a little bit, but you can't. Funny is funny.

Right. Right, right. Whitney Houston had pipes. Just put that together. Too bad no drain. All right, I'll tell you. All right, you're all right. He took a bath on that one. Okay.

Right. Right, right. Whitney Houston had pipes. Just put that together. Too bad no drain. All right, I'll tell you. All right, you're all right. He took a bath on that one. Okay.

Yeah. I thought that's what we were doing. What the hell? She died in Bed Bath & Beyond. Horrible tragedy.

Yeah. I thought that's what we were doing. What the hell? She died in Bed Bath & Beyond. Horrible tragedy.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

It was Asian hype.

It was Asian hype.

Amazing. He's a badass.

Amazing. He's a badass.

What, they were talking shit, so they stepped it up? I missed the beginning.

What, they were talking shit, so they stepped it up? I missed the beginning.

Beautiful eyes. Is he mixed?

Beautiful eyes. Is he mixed?

Oh, so the mom is already mixed. Pre-mixed.

Oh, so the mom is already mixed. Pre-mixed.

Can we pull up the parents? I want to do a little eugenics here.

Can we pull up the parents? I want to do a little eugenics here.

Unbelievable. Steph Curry.

Unbelievable. Steph Curry.

Man, the basketball people love golf, it seems.

Man, the basketball people love golf, it seems.

Maybe I'm just thinking of Jordan.

Maybe I'm just thinking of Jordan.

I think they do, man. I think they love golf.

I think they do, man. I think they love golf.

That's true. Not me. I like being a comic and a white male. Life is good, man. People always say comics want to be rock stars. I'm like, I don't want to be a rock star. Some douche with tight leather pants on and long hair.

That's true. Not me. I like being a comic and a white male. Life is good, man. People always say comics want to be rock stars. I'm like, I don't want to be a rock star. Some douche with tight leather pants on and long hair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what am I? I'm going to be Steven Tyler out there? No, thank you. I like sitting at a bar, telling a joke, and making fun of fat people.

Yeah, what am I? I'm going to be Steven Tyler out there? No, thank you. I like sitting at a bar, telling a joke, and making fun of fat people.

There you go.

There you go.

What's his name in that? It's so likable. Oh, the tall guy for the comedy guy. John C. Reilly. Nazi Reilly? John C. Reilly.

What's his name in that? It's so likable. Oh, the tall guy for the comedy guy. John C. Reilly. Nazi Reilly? John C. Reilly.

Yeah, he's great in it.

Yeah, he's great in it.

Tom Cruise is awesome.

Tom Cruise is awesome.

Phenomenal. That's his first one.

Phenomenal. That's his first one.

Oh, that's my favorite.

Oh, that's my favorite.

Yeah, I just love that movie. But I saw Inherent Vice on a date, and boy, was that a shit show.

Yeah, I just love that movie. But I saw Inherent Vice on a date, and boy, was that a shit show.

No, just boring and the date wasn't going great. I made a move. I got shut down.

No, just boring and the date wasn't going great. I made a move. I got shut down.

Yeah, that's not fun at all. But man, what a movie. Saw that in the theater as well. How about Tom Cruise and those tighty-whities looking pretty good, huh?

Yeah, that's not fun at all. But man, what a movie. Saw that in the theater as well. How about Tom Cruise and those tighty-whities looking pretty good, huh?

Now, Kamala, I've only heard laugh. Yeah. I've never heard her say anything. She laughs too much.

Now, Kamala, I've only heard laugh. Yeah. I've never heard her say anything. She laughs too much.

I think he's got... Yeah, I think he's hiding something. I mean, he's a Scientologist for all these years. Something's up.

I think he's got... Yeah, I think he's hiding something. I mean, he's a Scientologist for all these years. Something's up.

But look, I'm glad to have him as an actor. He is a great movie star. Great movie. He's the movie star.

But look, I'm glad to have him as an actor. He is a great movie star. Great movie. He's the movie star.

Yeah, Top Gun... You know he wouldn't take his Taiwan patch off on Top Gun? And China's like, we're not going to take the movie if you don't take that patch off. And he goes, leave it. So they probably lost out on billions of dollars selling it to China. But he wanted to keep the patch. Wow. Patch Adams. Yeah.

Yeah, Top Gun... You know he wouldn't take his Taiwan patch off on Top Gun? And China's like, we're not going to take the movie if you don't take that patch off. And he goes, leave it. So they probably lost out on billions of dollars selling it to China. But he wanted to keep the patch. Wow. Patch Adams. Yeah.

I love it.

I love it.

Probably cheaper to go to space to shoot movies, to be honest. Now, how long do we get the first porno in space? That's coming.

Probably cheaper to go to space to shoot movies, to be honest. Now, how long do we get the first porno in space? That's coming.

Just going to hang up there? Yeah.

Just going to hang up there? Yeah.

I got the title. Black holes.

I got the title. Black holes.

Somebody said she's a wine mom, which is perfect. She's laughing too much, and then she won't talk later because she's too drunk. Somebody nailed it. I can't remember who that was.

Somebody said she's a wine mom, which is perfect. She's laughing too much, and then she won't talk later because she's too drunk. Somebody nailed it. I can't remember who that was.

Oh, so they figured this out. Okay. Wow. I mean, you think these pilots. What was that? Boeing? Those two astronauts are stuck till 2025. You see that?

Oh, so they figured this out. Okay. Wow. I mean, you think these pilots. What was that? Boeing? Those two astronauts are stuck till 2025. You see that?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's supposed to be an eight-day trip.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's supposed to be an eight-day trip.

They don't have enough food. The longest delay of all time. Stuck in space with just 96 hours of oxygen. Holy shit. Are they going to die?

They don't have enough food. The longest delay of all time. Stuck in space with just 96 hours of oxygen. Holy shit. Are they going to die?

He looked like the fucking craziest angry person just screaming at someone on the phone. Does she get mad when you're mad? Is she like... She's always mad. Look at her. Yeah, I got to give a shout out to my buddy. During the crowd strike, you remember that whole thing for a week where they were canceling every flight? Uh-huh. System went down. He got fucked.

He looked like the fucking craziest angry person just screaming at someone on the phone. Does she get mad when you're mad? Is she like... She's always mad. Look at her. Yeah, I got to give a shout out to my buddy. During the crowd strike, you remember that whole thing for a week where they were canceling every flight? Uh-huh. System went down. He got fucked.

He was stuck in Iowa for two days because his flights got screwed up. So he got a hotel. He had to get another flight. His flight home was three grand. So he's like, I'm getting money back from Delta. They're paying for all this. I'm like, good luck. He's like, watch me. That was like three weeks ago. He just got paid. So well done.

He was stuck in Iowa for two days because his flights got screwed up. So he got a hotel. He had to get another flight. His flight home was three grand. So he's like, I'm getting money back from Delta. They're paying for all this. I'm like, good luck. He's like, watch me. That was like three weeks ago. He just got paid. So well done.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

Way better than Twin Tower Air.

Way better than Twin Tower Air.

Baby, were you nervous? I mean, that's a cross-country life change.

Baby, were you nervous? I mean, that's a cross-country life change.

Oh, classic.

Oh, classic.

Oh, never thought of that. Holy shit. Wow, that's good stuff.

Oh, never thought of that. Holy shit. Wow, that's good stuff.

I remember when I first moved here, getting out of the cab. The cab was $45. I was staying at my mom's friends in Brooklyn for the first couple nights because I didn't know anyone or whatever. And she hated this, too. You know, you're barging into someone's New York life. People in New York are already scraping by. And then I'm like, hey, I'm 22, here to do stand-up comedy. But whatever.

I remember when I first moved here, getting out of the cab. The cab was $45. I was staying at my mom's friends in Brooklyn for the first couple nights because I didn't know anyone or whatever. And she hated this, too. You know, you're barging into someone's New York life. People in New York are already scraping by. And then I'm like, hey, I'm 22, here to do stand-up comedy. But whatever.

So all I had was three 20s. And I remember giving it to the cabbie and I went...

So all I had was three 20s. And I remember giving it to the cabbie and I went...

uh it's 45 i got 320s he goes all right thank you and i was like huh and he just took the money and i was that was out of money then that was all i had that was it yeah because i worked $15 tip i worked a restaurant that's that's a fucking hilarious scene in the movie though yoink yoinked me and i he was like well you got a tip but i was like i guess you got a tip he could have given you a 10 it'd be nice a big tip give him a $15 tip i was i was i was a hayseed i was a rube i was a southern you could tell hard yeah you could feel it on me you weren't fucking overalls

uh it's 45 i got 320s he goes all right thank you and i was like huh and he just took the money and i was that was out of money then that was all i had that was it yeah because i worked $15 tip i worked a restaurant that's that's a fucking hilarious scene in the movie though yoink yoinked me and i he was like well you got a tip but i was like i guess you got a tip he could have given you a 10 it'd be nice a big tip give him a $15 tip i was i was i was a hayseed i was a rube i was a southern you could tell hard yeah you could feel it on me you weren't fucking overalls

Yeah. That's the new car parkway. Right, right. You drive on a parkway, you park in a driveway.

Yeah. That's the new car parkway. Right, right. You drive on a parkway, you park in a driveway.

A little straw in your mouth. I got the bag with the stick on it.

A little straw in your mouth. I got the bag with the stick on it.

I grew up in the city, so we don't really have one. We say y'all. Yeah. And we say, we take our T-H's and do a D. How's your mom and them? That's a big New Orleans thing.

I grew up in the city, so we don't really have one. We say y'all. Yeah. And we say, we take our T-H's and do a D. How's your mom and them? That's a big New Orleans thing.

It got purchased. That's true. But then I moved to Crown Heights. Landlord died of AIDS. Yeah. Got mugged immediately. And I lived as a Jewish side, Hasidic Jew and a Caribbean black. One big highway going down the middle, and I lived on the black side. So all the black guys thought I was Jewish. They were like, you're on the wrong side, motherfucker.

It got purchased. That's true. But then I moved to Crown Heights. Landlord died of AIDS. Yeah. Got mugged immediately. And I lived as a Jewish side, Hasidic Jew and a Caribbean black. One big highway going down the middle, and I lived on the black side. So all the black guys thought I was Jewish. They were like, you're on the wrong side, motherfucker.

And I'm like, actually, they don't want me either.

And I'm like, actually, they don't want me either.

I could pass, but they were like orthodox.

I could pass, but they were like orthodox.

They'd pull up in their minivan and be like, get in, get in. And I was like, I'm not Jewish. And they'd slide that door closed and Hava Nagila.

They'd pull up in their minivan and be like, get in, get in. And I was like, I'm not Jewish. And they'd slide that door closed and Hava Nagila.

So true. They look Amish. Very similar.

So true. They look Amish. Very similar.

I did a gig in Lancaster. You ever see the buggies, the horse and buggy out there, the Amish people?

I did a gig in Lancaster. You ever see the buggies, the horse and buggy out there, the Amish people?

Yeah. Yeah. It's weird because they're at the Wawa. What's a Wawa? Wawa is like a 7-Eleven.

Yeah. Yeah. It's weird because they're at the Wawa. What's a Wawa? Wawa is like a 7-Eleven.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

But you can see them in there. It's like Disneyland. They're like, oh my God, they got a fucking slushy machine. It's just this red glowing slush going on.

But you can see them in there. It's like Disneyland. They're like, oh my God, they got a fucking slushy machine. It's just this red glowing slush going on.

Oh, they were kids, so they were breaking the rules.

Oh, they were kids, so they were breaking the rules.

And they're like, they'll turn on the lights. Yeah. What's the holiday call where they allow one guy to come into their village and bang all the women? Rumspringer? I don't think it's that. That's where you leave. That's where you leave. Yeah, yeah. This is something else. And I'm like, how do you get that job?

And they're like, they'll turn on the lights. Yeah. What's the holiday call where they allow one guy to come into their village and bang all the women? Rumspringer? I don't think it's that. That's where you leave. That's where you leave. Yeah, yeah. This is something else. And I'm like, how do you get that job?

I'll go to an Amish town and fuck everybody.

I'll go to an Amish town and fuck everybody.

Yeah, because that's all they bring you.

Yeah, because that's all they bring you.

It's definitely full of bush.

It's definitely full of bush.

There's got to be a hot one. Gotta be one.

There's got to be a hot one. Gotta be one.

That's fucking. I've seen Witness. Oh, is that a good one? Oh, it's a great movie. Great movie. I should check that one out.

That's fucking. I've seen Witness. Oh, is that a good one? Oh, it's a great movie. Great movie. I should check that one out.

There's a day where you go in, they let like random dudes go in and plow all the butter churning whores. Sounds good. Oh, yeah.

There's a day where you go in, they let like random dudes go in and plow all the butter churning whores. Sounds good. Oh, yeah.

that was once because we weren't here i do it on my phone everybody's like that's fine and then i get a million comments what do you have recording that on a potato tin can yeah what else anything else to plug some and anything uh geez not really man just uh blink twice is out now go check it out um greedy people's out now and uh Movies are back, baby.

that was once because we weren't here i do it on my phone everybody's like that's fine and then i get a million comments what do you have recording that on a potato tin can yeah what else anything else to plug some and anything uh geez not really man just uh blink twice is out now go check it out um greedy people's out now and uh Movies are back, baby.

I think. You dropped a peg.

I think. You dropped a peg.

How about that Tatum? He's a hunk.

How about that Tatum? He's a hunk.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I try to do the ice cold shower, but it's too easy to get in and out. You need the bath.

Well, I try to do the ice cold shower, but it's too easy to get in and out. You need the bath.

I love that spot.

I love that spot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went there with Tim Dillon once. Talk about a sight. Just this fat gay guy holding court, and he's snapping a twink with a towel. Yeah. Quite an image, seeing him in an ice bath or a Turkish bath. I love the Schwitz, man. Love it. Gotta sweat it out.

I went there with Tim Dillon once. Talk about a sight. Just this fat gay guy holding court, and he's snapping a twink with a towel. Yeah. Quite an image, seeing him in an ice bath or a Turkish bath. I love the Schwitz, man. Love it. Gotta sweat it out.

Should we end on Schwitz or should we end on something else? See how dumb that is?

Should we end on Schwitz or should we end on something else? See how dumb that is?

Yeah, a lot of war stuff, a lot of nautical stuff.

Yeah, a lot of war stuff, a lot of nautical stuff.

Is this the new bottle?

Is this the new bottle?

Break the ice. Break the, what was it? That's when ships show up with the cargo and they got to break the ice to get them in because they're like, finally some more supplies. Break the ice. Let those fuckers drop those diapers off.

Break the ice. Break the, what was it? That's when ships show up with the cargo and they got to break the ice to get them in because they're like, finally some more supplies. Break the ice. Let those fuckers drop those diapers off.

Hey, hey, Orlando, Florida. Bring the kids. Worst flight in the biz. Easily the worst flight. And I'm doing the hard rock, which I've heard are tough for comedy. Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Newport, Rhode Island, Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland. Come on out. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater.

Hey, hey, Orlando, Florida. Bring the kids. Worst flight in the biz. Easily the worst flight. And I'm doing the hard rock, which I've heard are tough for comedy. Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Newport, Rhode Island, Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland. Come on out. Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater.

I told you the Larry David story. no uh i'll be i'll be quick so i'm doing the chicago theater at 7 p.m i get a call from my agent weird request larry david wants to do the chicago theater same day he wants 7 p.m so can you move to nine and i said i'll move to nine but i get to meet him really they said we can do that oh awesome he's gonna hate every minute of it but uh i'll get the photo

I told you the Larry David story. no uh i'll be i'll be quick so i'm doing the chicago theater at 7 p.m i get a call from my agent weird request larry david wants to do the chicago theater same day he wants 7 p.m so can you move to nine and i said i'll move to nine but i get to meet him really they said we can do that oh awesome he's gonna hate every minute of it but uh i'll get the photo

You get the photo.

You get the photo.

Yeah, yeah. What day of the week is it? It's a Friday.

Yeah, yeah. What day of the week is it? It's a Friday.

I agree.

I agree.

That's true. Come to the Oakland one. Scroll up there.

That's true. Come to the Oakland one. Scroll up there.

It's not selling well. I think people there are having trouble with money, but we'll see what happens.

It's not selling well. I think people there are having trouble with money, but we'll see what happens.

But I hear it's a legendary theater.

But I hear it's a legendary theater.

All right, well, yeah, check it out, folks.

All right, well, yeah, check it out, folks.

Thanks, man. Always a pleasure. Thanks, guys. Vince Vaughn, get your fat ass on here, you four-headed freak.

Thanks, man. Always a pleasure. Thanks, guys. Vince Vaughn, get your fat ass on here, you four-headed freak.

Oh, that's a pet peeve.

Oh, that's a pet peeve.

Look at that. It's a real thing. Look at that bottle. It's strong and sturdy. It really hit a person.

Look at that. It's a real thing. Look at that bottle. It's strong and sturdy. It really hit a person.

Sexy bottle. That's a pet peeve. I'm out in Martha's Vineyard. Oh, you got a whiskey? You guys should do some ready to drinks. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do it. We're on it. All this shit takes time.

Sexy bottle. That's a pet peeve. I'm out in Martha's Vineyard. Oh, you got a whiskey? You guys should do some ready to drinks. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do it. We're on it. All this shit takes time.

I just let a little... The silent one, dude.

I just let a little... The silent one, dude.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, I thought it was the yoke. The yoke was the envelope.

Oh, I thought it was the yoke. The yoke was the envelope.

Oh, yeah. I know, right? Damn, this is a good flavor. Holy shit. I've been eating. I ate half that bag. All right, I'm going to have one. What is it?

Oh, yeah. I know, right? Damn, this is a good flavor. Holy shit. I've been eating. I ate half that bag. All right, I'm going to have one. What is it?

Improv?

Improv?

Laugh Factory. nah it's like a place they do live shows anyway dynasty type i got to perform with triumph oh okay fucking cool all right yeah i'm a huge fan for me to poop on yeah he's that was amazing michael's a man dude yeah that was cool i don't know if you could do half of his uh i mean he would just go call everybody a virgin at comic-con you could do it all right he's still doing it

Laugh Factory. nah it's like a place they do live shows anyway dynasty type i got to perform with triumph oh okay fucking cool all right yeah i'm a huge fan for me to poop on yeah he's that was amazing michael's a man dude yeah that was cool i don't know if you could do half of his uh i mean he would just go call everybody a virgin at comic-con you could do it all right he's still doing it

Oh, yeah. And we're off. The sound of domestic abuse. Here we are.

Oh, yeah. And we're off. The sound of domestic abuse. Here we are.

That's all you need is to see the house because the attic is a little lackluster. Yeah. There's not much going on.

That's all you need is to see the house because the attic is a little lackluster. Yeah. There's not much going on.

She was like, a little more room would have been nice. Yeah.

She was like, a little more room would have been nice. Yeah.

I guess cried and screamed. She wrote. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I guess so.

I guess cried and screamed. She wrote. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I guess so.

We're mental. We're all up here.

We're mental. We're all up here.

Remember going to 7-Eleven as a kid? You're like, they know. They have no idea. They're never thinking about you. You're like a 14-year-old idiot. They don't give a shit.

Remember going to 7-Eleven as a kid? You're like, they know. They have no idea. They're never thinking about you. You're like a 14-year-old idiot. They don't give a shit.

Is this a shit moment?

Is this a shit moment?

17.

17.

Hollywood. Yeah, like always this way. She faces Mecca. Always.

Hollywood. Yeah, like always this way. She faces Mecca. Always.

Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, he's still doing it. We did it.

Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, he's still doing it. We did it.

Big fan. If you ever want to see some shit you can't do, is it Jumbo the Clown? What's that? Oh, don't even pull it up. Really? I might have the name wrong, but he was just like an offensive clown.

Big fan. If you ever want to see some shit you can't do, is it Jumbo the Clown? What's that? Oh, don't even pull it up. Really? I might have the name wrong, but he was just like an offensive clown.

He's a comedy guy.

He's a comedy guy.

Oh, yeah. Little guy, right?

Just got a lady pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

All right. At least Pacino, you've got to just let him go.

Oh, that's incredible. Yeah, it was cool. Did you get the photo?

You want that photo, but you don't want to ask. It's a tough spot. It's funny you said it, too.

That's true.

If he dies, though, I mean, he's going to forget the photo a bit later anyway. He's just saying that. He's never going to die.

That was awesome. Yeah. He was great as, what's it called? Billy the Kid.

Old Henry. That movie. That was awesome.

Shane wrecked it to me, and I watched it.

Oh, yeah. He's great in that, too.

That's right.

What's it like going to walk around Vegas with Pacino? You've got to feel like a boss.

Thanks for having me back.

Wow. Yeah. I'm a fan out of the gate. I mean, when I saw him in Swingers 30 years ago.

Oh.

And he did his own court case, which is kind of sexy.

That was fun. What's that? P. Diddy. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Put him on the wish list of, like, all-time guests. Yeah, P. Diddy. Get him on there.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Right, right. And he escaped from prison. Pretty impressive.

Oh, so there's a new White Lotus.

I like him.

That's a good point.

That's Shane. Is that Pizzolatto?

Good name for R. Kelly.

Wow.

Beat up the vet?

You're going to listen to the director after that. Maybe we should do something different here. Fuck you.

Interesting. Oh, he was a soldier in Vietnam. Yeah, there we go.

So it's a vet versus a vet. It's two.

Binoculars, camouflage.

Yeah, he's got some QAnon stuff cooking.

That's a good question. QAnon.

That's great. They let him smoke in the theater?

And there was no Google. So he would just kill a bunch of people in Utah and then take a bus to Florida. And he was just back on the scene.

Pretty much, yeah.

Oh, yeah, there we go. He did an eternity war, just like, hey, everybody.

What, does she get beaten up by a guy in the beginning?

Yeah, shirtless, cowboy hat. What was that, California? California with a K? Yeah, with a K, but this might be before California.

Back on the scene.

Wait, is that his wife or his daughter? Where? Daughter. Oh, it's his daughter, okay. He's got the arm around the waist, looked a little chubby. Yeah, it was funny.

Third one? I think it is. Holy shit. Wow. You had a solo, then you had a Halloween, and now here. Yeah, that's right.

To be abstinent, you either get a ton of pussy and pull back or just get none. That's it.

Oh, yeah. I can see it. My Dahmer joke. Did you watch the show on Netflix?

Nice, a little oral distraction.

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Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty well done. Super creepy, but it's set in the 80s. So at one point they bring Jeffrey Dahmer's dad into the police station. They're like, we got crazy news. Your son is gay. He's a serial killer, and he's a cannibal. And the dad's like, he's gay? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Athletic performance, blood pressure... erectile function. You never hear about function. All you hear about is dysfunction. So they're bringing back function. Functioning alcoholics over here. Oh yeah. Just mix it up with six to eight ounces of water and drink up to 45 minutes before you get it on.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. And bring a kid, or they won't let you in. I had to learn that the hard way. But, yeah, this stuff's great. And, you know, a lot of these pills, you look like a psycho. A buddy of mine was at a restaurant with a girl on a date, and he liked her, and the pill fell out of his pocket. And he went to the bathroom, and two people said, get away from this guy.

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Sorry, U-S-E-J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Great sex solved naturally. Yeah. Like I was abstinent in high school.

Yeah. But it's still good to just get it over with. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was actually blown before. Oh, me too. No, wait. I had sex before blown.