Sonja Lyubomirsky

And so

It's like she's not feeling loved by his response.

She's asking really to be seen and heard.

She needs him to kind of, yes, make her feel loved.

I've totally been in that situation where I've complained like, why?

And like my husband used to say, and he's like, look, I'm helping you do the dishes, like literally with the dishes, like I'm doing it.

Like, I don't need to be happy doing it was his response.

And I'm like, no, but I want you to be happy doing it, which is really the same kind of thing.

And I'd like to broaden it, not just physical attractiveness, but sort of other characteristics where we think like, if only I were more physically attractive, then I'd be more loved.

If only I were more successful, I would feel more loved.

These are called extrinsic goals, right?

Which is like beauty, fame, power, money, popularity, right?

If only I had those things, I would feel more loved or I would get more love.

And then we try to show that off, right?

Sort of broadcast those positive qualities.

And, you know, and it doesn't work.

It might work to impress a person, but it doesn't work to actually make us feel more love.

And if you're kind of broadcasting this, you know, if you're just, it's all about physical attractiveness for you or about your accomplishments, it doesn't really show the person your kind of true self, you know, if you will.

It's just showing them this sort of outside little positive, shiny part that isn't really you.

Exactly.