Sophie Gee

When I was in primary school, so elementary school, I actually don't remember my misdemeanor.

It might have been that I stamped quite hard on another child's hand, which is a backstory to why I did that.

I found myself in the principal's office, Mr. Sinclair, and he had, yes, a long, thin cane that sat on a shelf above his desk.

And he got the cane down and I was caned on my fingers, just as in today's book.

Yeah, it wasn't very hard.

I don't think he...

I don't think he really went for it.

But yeah.

And actually, I was also hit with a ruler by my fifth and sixth class teacher.

That I think was, you know, de rigueur.

Like, who didn't get hit with a ruler?

Yes, because in those days, unlike now, blackboard wipers were board-backed with felt rubbery things, whereas now a whiteboard eraser is just a foam object.

But they were seriously heavy.

They could really inflict damage.

No wonder you have such a traumatized relationship with physical activity.

Quite right.

That was what I was about to say.

This is The Secret Life of Books.

I'm Sophie Gee, a youngish single mother living in the Midlands in England, in South Yorkshire.

And I'm getting ready to go out on the town, pressing a red lipstick to my lips and then placing the lipstick canister like a bullet on the mantelpiece before leaving the house wearing laddered stockings.