Spud

It's a hot dog for adults. And they make a half hot, half sweet, too, dude. So if you can't decide, that's the both of us.

Have you seen his piece?

He's going to sit right there, I think. Sit right there. He might stop for you. We're going to stand around him.

can confirm i went and they took me to an 18 year old party 18 year old uh birthday party for may because you only have to be 18 yeah this is byo other side 21 yeah and uh i was just like don't just don't put me on the fucking stage and then they say john don't call her to the stage and it's the woman with the biggest hits i've ever seen that have ever existed and she's doing the whipped cream i eat the whipped cream off her off her butt and her fart

And then I'm like this with my belt holding my hands back and I'm like, why do they call you Bubbles? Because I like to blow and I was like, oh God. They beat the shit out of you too.

No, I think it's if they serve alcohol. If it's BYO... They can get completely naked. If they serve alcohol, they can't take their bottoms off, and I think they have to have the pasties on the top. A la Pleasure Dome. E as well, Delilah's.

Delilah's serves beer, so they don't get fully naked.

We'd have to ask our forefathers about that.

I think it's safe to say I'll never see a Brazil nut in my entire life. Really? I'll never be able to identify a Brazil nut now.

It's supposed to be a coffee shop that has scantily clad women, but you can see in the reflection of the guy's car, the woman is fully clothed. He's trying to beat his dick to a lady in a full-on jeans and a t-shirt, and then she catches him on video and he drives to another parking lot and blows his head off.

He's trying to get a quick beat in while he gets a hot coffee.

Yeah, if I don't have to get out of my car, then I don't have to stop masturbating. That's the rule at a coffee shop.

Well, they're like also a scumbag realtor company, aren't they?

Yeah, if you're coming off of spine surgery, do you need to go to this two-year-old's birthday party? That's what I'm saying.

I'm sorry. You're saying you haven't orgasmed? No, no, no. Jerked it.

It is. It can be rough. There can be months of like, oh, wow, I guess I just have been beating off and forgetting that I live with a lady for a few weeks here.

That's terrible. Shot by rival porn stars.

Just know you let this happen. You stood by idly.

When Eminem says it, it is over. He never will. We won. We finally won rap.

It's going to be on his last album. You think so? He's going to be 80 years old and on his deathbed. It's time to say it. I don't think so. I think he voted for Hillary Clinton or something.

Hot guy makes bops. Love him.

I've only heard the Twitter clip where he's like doing like beating hearts. It's all right. It's all right. It's got that emo vibe from the mid-2000s.

How'd he die? It was a murder-suicide with Chester. Yes, that's what they say.

Anne Hesch, the lady that... Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you're standing at the podium, you can say anything you want without saying anything.

Is that a pre-cum?

Wait, are you out there actively searching for your dick queen?

Yeah, not everything's... He was wearing pretty tight jeans in that performance, that famous performance. I think somebody would have zoomed in on his piece if it was something to write home about, write a song about, you know?

You can probably get his personal information and then you guys can probably exchange pictures of your hard penises. With a certain can or bottle next to it to make sure you're both sized up equally. True. And we don't even have to do this in public, you know? You can just be private. Well, the gauntlet's sewn down.

Gonna be in Austin anytime soon. I'm at a urinal right now and there's nobody next to me.

Like slurping out the old juices?

That guy really likes it both ways, it seems. What do you mean?

I mean, he likes lady juices and guy juices, it seems like.

Once you fuck every hot lady, the next thing is boys.

You can't be angry and do that. If you haven't fucked 1,000 ladies, four-digit ladies, and you fuck guys, you're gay. If you fucked 1,000 ladies and now you start fucking guys, you're just the fucking man.

I'm more of a DeSoto guy myself.

Old fellas, too. She's including the old guys. That's nice. They're all including the old guys nowadays. That's very nice. Really?

I don't like seeing it, but I'm very happy for the guys. True.

Subgirl? She got her clout stolen?

Well, there's three really running gunners. You got Bonnie, you got Lily Phillips, and you got Wisconsin Tiff, who's in the mix now. Wisconsin Tiff? What? Is this like the slut presidential primary? Yeah, she apparently... From what I've heard from a friend who's into this kind of thing. She's banned from a bunch of old homes because she was going in and fucking all the geezers.

Also, the orderlies that she wasn't fucking.

I wouldn't wear pants either if I was you.

You told the rock you were going to tie his hands behind his back. That is not a nice thing to say to Dwayne Johnson.

I was confused. The Rock just made the fucking coolest movie. God, rewind that. Cut that out. San Andreas, that's what I was trying to think.

Yeah, Red One is actually pretty good. Oh, it's his Marvel movie, yeah. For real? It was $250 million to make. And do you know how much The Rock got paid for that?

It was like The Rock is a secret service for Santa Claus. Okay. So if people are trying to attack Santa Claus, I thought it was a Marvel movie.

Isn't he a Marvel dude too? Yeah, he's Black Adam. Yes, that one flopped.

I mean, he's not even excited about saying the power, so it must not be great.

He has super strength, super speed.

Oh, so he was willing to cut a baby in half to find out who the right mother was. So wise.

Yeah, he finds out that she also has the operating system for millions of other men.

And destroy me. I want to kill myself in less than an hour.

Yeah, that's not a hack. Why would you not be allowed to do that?

I just wanted you to call something gay. What is the big deal?

Which is a very funny thing to be on around Trump.

He's annoying and he's very lame on Twitter.

He's in charge of rocket ships. I think the cyber team is cool, though.

Yeah, just draw a swastika on the back and fucking man up.

I just keep a cup of gasoline in my Tesla so I can smell it.

You have a Tesla? I don't even have a fucking car. Does my girlfriend have a Tesla? Then I don't.

Yeah, those things are fucking sick. They sell them now for like 5Gs that just already look like it.

I don't really like driving that much anymore.

So did he not need to eat all that raw meat?

Because he hasn't had a fucking proper meal in the past three years.

If I have a second sentence.

The suicide queen or king card thing.

You had a Netflix or a Nextel all of a sudden?

A Nextel phone all of a sudden?

There's male testicles. There's grown-up testicles that look like that too, buddy.

So I was about to say, you're on the last item, and then you're like, I actually have to return all this.

They're feeling pretty good right now, but my ego just took a hit from you.

Yeah, a real contractor just eyes it up.

I love it. He was putting energy on the grid after that.

Hashtag. So, wait, did you convince that guy who was clearly about to paint his house to get Gorilla Tape instead?

Next time you need to go in there with the tape measure on and the wireless headset, but it's clearly not plugged into anything. It's just dragging on the floor behind you. I think you're going to want a different kind of tape, actually.

That's what everyone says. It is not bad. It's a fine sausage and pepper sandwich. You can't fuck it up.