Stephan Speaks
speaker
257 appearances
3 recordings
2 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard May 2025
Stephan Speaks’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
what you'll also find is and I'm sure there's probably a study on it where if they broke up with you... You ever see a situation it happens on TV a lot where the person could be like okay, I'm going to break up with my partner. They're planning on it they've been practicing in their head, right.
It took them a couple of weeks to muster up the strength they're about to do it and then the partner breaks up with them. Now it's oh my gosh, I got to get them back. So, it's like you just forgot this whole time that was your plan.
They just gave you the pass to do it but now because we don't like to be the one being let go of now we're fighting hard to get it back.
So, we have to really not fall into these little traps that happen to us as human beings our brains is playing tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions for oh my gosh, I must really love them. Or even like you said you go into that detox and because you miss... I always tell people no matter how bad the relationship was there's always good moments.
So, if you're trying to break free you can't just let your brain focus on the good moments. You have to remind yourself why this doesn't work. But if you keep focusing on the good you start to make yourself think oh, because I missed this good moment I must miss them. And there's this quote that says sometimes you're not missing the person you're missing the feeling.
So, you've got to be able to differentiate those two things. So, getting back to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why were we really there to begin with? You know, could this actually work? The next thing is you know, I'm a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup is a blessing in disguise.
Even if there is a chance that you two can work together or this is the one for you, you may have needed this time to reevaluate and get things in order. Something is obviously wrong. Even if you... It may be something as deep as... Because I've seen situations where everything was going amazingly well on the surface. and the person broke up with them. Let's say the woman lets go of the man.
So, to the man that's really confusing. But what it was is that that woman she had not healed from her past relationships and this relationship being so good was scaring her. And what happens is the better you are the scarier it becomes for her. She's looking for something to be wrong she has to validate her fear somehow.
When she can't find it she'll either sabotage the relationship or she'll run from it. So, to that man it may seem like this is so unfair which yeah, it sucks but if this woman didn't break up with you now you were inevitably going to face this same ending but at a worse time, all right.
This is still best that it's happening now at least if she can go do what she needs to do there's a chance for this to come back around later. But it's hard for us to see it in the moment. So, I think just really we also have to focus on our healing. Whenever a breakup happens The mistake we make is that we think it's about healing from the breakup.
No, it's healing from everything you've been through. You've probably been sleeping under the rug your childhood trauma for years. Maybe the last two, three relationships whatever it is. So, and not healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to get past this breakup. and contributing to why you even chose this person to begin with.
I'm a huge believer that if you haven't healed you are 90% likely to choose the wrong person.
It's just too difficult to pick that person that you truly love and can truly love you and accept that level of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past traumas and past hurts.
So, to me that's the next big thing is just focus on your healing process because in that process you will also be able to see more clearly if this is really for you or not. Like, walking around unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses. You can't see straight no matter how hard you try. But healing will clear up your vision really, really fast.
And now it'll be like oh, wait a minute I didn't belong there.
You know, thank God the broke breakup happened. You know, now I'm in a better place I move forward. So, to me I think and I would say in addition to those things is just have an accountability partner.
Whether that's friend, coach, therapist, someone that can help keep you in check, help remind you what you need to do, someone that you know you have to talk to and update what's going on so that you feel like okay, I don't want to come back to them saying I'm doing the same thing over and over again. It doesn't guarantee success, but it helps. It helps move the needle some.
So, I would highly encourage that.
You need the peace of knowing I did what I needed to do.
Because anytime you feel like, well, I could have done this, but I could have done... That leaves the door open for doubt. Do it all. Exactly. And that's why I'm such a big believer in... There's people who say, well, once they're done, they're done. They'll just move on. And I'm like, no, no, no.
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