Steve Carell

You're a total freak. Good evening, I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell. In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging our country. Hurricanes on the coast, tornadoes in the Midwest, and flooding everywhere in between. Billions of dollars of damage paid for by you, the taxpayer. Tonight's topic, weather, good or bad? Bad. Good. Bad.

Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate-class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather. Balderdash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.

Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate-class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather. Balderdash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.

Today, they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows? Federal income tax. I bet you and your friend Stalin would like that. You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children. No, I hate you.

Today, they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows? Federal income tax. I bet you and your friend Stalin would like that. You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children. No, I hate you.

If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes. I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly. Clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather. All right. All right. You, sir, are a racist. Damn right. And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read.

If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes. I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly. Clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather. All right. All right. You, sir, are a racist. Damn right. And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read.

Well, thank you very much, Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes kill people. No. No. No, Steven. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Puppy dogs and ice cream!

Well, thank you very much, Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes kill people. No. No. No, Steven. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Puppy dogs and ice cream!

I'm Steven. And I'm Steven. And this was... Even Steven.

I'm Steven. And I'm Steven. And this was... Even Steven.

You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Thank you. Tonight's topic, Halloween. Nope. Yes. Nope. Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows' Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation.

You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Thank you. Tonight's topic, Halloween. Nope. Yes. Nope. Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows' Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation.

And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord. Steve? Come on, Steven, it's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats, and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soap some windows, or set a few fires, and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Steven, it's about fun.

And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord. Steve? Come on, Steven, it's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats, and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soap some windows, or set a few fires, and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Steven, it's about fun.

It's about frolic. It's about candy. Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steven. Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup?

It's about frolic. It's about candy. Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steven. Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup?

Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes. Yes, I do. Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.

Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes. Yes, I do. Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.

Well, that must have been very hard.