Tara

So my question would be, how do I get my husband to be interested in trying new things in the bedroom?

So currently in my relationship, I'm the one who wants to be intimate daily. I'm the one who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. I've talked to him about this, and he feels like I'm implying that our sex life is boring because I'm asking to try new things. I assured him that I don't find it boring, and I would just like to add some variety.

And I've talked to him about it, what I'm interested in or would love to explore. I met with disinterest or a no. He says he's fine with what we're doing. And I feel like we're just kind of at a stalemate.

Yeah.

So he just implied that, or he felt that by me sharing that I just wanted to try new things, that I was implying that he was boring or not a good lover. And I was like, no, no. And I tried to give him an analogy of when our kids try new foods. you know, they can't say they don't like it if they've never tried it. You know, they need to try it first before they can say, yeah, they love it.

No, they don't. And so he understood the analogy, but he was still kind of like, it's not the same thing. And I'm just not interested.

So I talked about role-playing or just you know, having sex in a different place in the house because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable. It's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting. Sure.

And so for him, I think he's just like, why, why would I do that? I'm fine with our bedroom, you know, where we don't have to worry about our kids walking in. And I think he just likes the privacy of it.

He would say, like, he's just not a guy that's excited about much. Like, even if we have a trip planned to, like, Disney World or whatever it is or his daily things, he's just not excited. Like, he just doesn't get excitement, which I don't really understand.

Yeah, I want to rebuild something new for sure.

I've been married for 17 years. 17 years. Do you get kids? Yes, we have two. They're teenagers.

I guess everything just feels, I guess a lot of people, it just feels very mundane. Like every day is the same. You go to work, you... 10 to your kids, you make dinner and every day is kind of like a repeat. So it's like in the bedroom, we can do whatever we want. We can have fun. It should be playful. We can do anything.

And it just feels like if that's also mundane and also the same, it's just like, it'd be nice to try something new and feel excitement, I guess.

And I've talked to him about that and you know, I've, I've shared, you know, what I'm interested in and whatever. And he said, I'm just not that guy. Like if you want me to do X, Y, Z, like I'm just not into that or that doesn't do anything for me or like, that's cool that you're into it. But like, I just won't ever do that. Like I'm not that guy. Like, you know, role playing does nothing for me.

I don't want to pull over on the side of the road and have sex in the car. Like I just, I'm not going to do those things. And so then I just feel like, is there some common ground? On things that we would do together?

Yeah, he wouldn't want to because he's like, that's not comfortable. Why would I do that? He doesn't even want to have sex. He doesn't want to be intimate downstairs because, again, it's like what if the kids get up to get a drink of water and they hear us or see us or he just doesn't want to have risk at all.

So I talked about role-playing or just, you know, having sex in a different place in the house because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable. It's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting.

Yeah. And I told him that like, like this is, you're the only person I get to do life with. Like, I don't get to do this with anybody else. I can't seek, you know, what I'm desiring outside of our relationship. And I wouldn't do that. And so it's like, this is it. And so it's like, if he's not willing, not interested, it's kind of like I have to, I guess, mourn that it will just never happen.

Like, I don't know. I think for him too, sex is deeply uncomfortable to talk about because we both come from a conservative background. And so to even talk about it, especially for me initially, and to be vulnerable, like you said, and to put yourself out there, it's terrifying. And so for him, he's like, man, you're comfortable talking about sex.

I'm like, not really, but I'm tired of keeping it inside. I need to say something.

Right. Right.

Right. That's his, I guess that's his thing is if we're talking about something hard, whether it's sex or whatever it is, he just kind of shuts down or disengages or whatever. just kind of leaves the room. Whereas I'm the person who's like, let's talk about this now. Let's dive into it. Let's fix this. Let's repair. And he's very much the avoidance.

No, I'm telling you, even his grandma, I mean, we couldn't believe how he was really good at memory match when he was little. Did he call you before this to say this? No, you can call his grandma and ask. He would beat us, legit beat us at memory match. I don't know how, but he was really good at that.

I'm hoping he was really good at it at a very young age. I don't know if he still is, but he was good.

Make him play with a deck of cards and see if he's still good.

All right. Well, thank you. Hey, Grandma. Okay. Bye-bye. How you doing?

That's crazy to me.

where I could do billing from home. So I do insurance billing and I run co-pays and things like that. My husband is a licensed therapist and just this year he became independently licensed. So he started his own private practice where he sees patients on Saturdays. And so he works at his 40 hour a week job and then Saturdays he sees his patients.

And I want to be involved in his business's finances. This is what I do from home for other offices. Like, I understand insurance and co-pays and deductibles. And he doesn't want me to touch his business at all. Why? And it's not so much that I don't trust him.

Yeah, he says he's worked for companies before where, like, the husband and wife have both been in charge. And he's like, I just see that their marriage isn't great and they're fighting over business things. And he's like, I'd rather not. have business conflict in our marriage. So he kind of wants to just have that.

He's like, you can manage all the money I take home, but I want to run the business myself. I mean, did Sharon help you when you were starting your business?

Yeah. I mean, he's not a marriage therapist, but yeah.

Hi, I'm Tara Schmidt, a registered dietitian and host of On Nutrition, a podcast for Mayo Clinic, where we dig into the latest nutrition trends and research to help you understand what's health and what's hype. There's a lot of wild stuff out there, so we'll be keeping it science-based, research-informed and practical.

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