Terry Real

When I do experiential work with somebody, first minutes of life through four or five years old.

And that's all feeling.

That's the part of you that just experienced it.

Between this very mature, present-based part of us and this totally flooded, very primitive part of us is the part you call the bad child.

I call it the adaptive child.

This is the you...

that you learn to be, to cope with whatever was going on with you.

And it's knee-jerk, you know, fight, flight, or fawn.

It's automatic, it's subcortical, and it's utterly compelling.

I've got to stand up for myself.

I've got to shut this down.

I've got to fix you if you're upset or I won't.

These are basic, you know, these are animal survival instincts.

And when you're in the adaptive child, you won't use relational skills because you're not interested in relationship.

You're interested in survival.

It's literally a different part of our neurology.

And the work I do, I call it relational mindfulness.

When you're flooded,

You gotta bring the prefrontal cortex back online.

Take a walk, take 10 breaths, go around the block, take a break.