Terry Real

Oh, my God. I mean, I would say the house is burning. That's not a metaphor. Our planet is burning. I started off my last book, Us, with the father of family therapy, the great anthropologist Gregory Basin, Margaret Mead's husband, who is truly the creator of family therapy. Basin called Western civilizations philosophical error. And that's this, that we stand apart from nature.

Oh, my God. I mean, I would say the house is burning. That's not a metaphor. Our planet is burning. I started off my last book, Us, with the father of family therapy, the great anthropologist Gregory Basin, Margaret Mead's husband, who is truly the creator of family therapy. Basin called Western civilizations philosophical error. And that's this, that we stand apart from nature.

That's individualism. That's what the word individual means. We stand apart from nature, that's what I call toxic individualism, and we control nature, that's patriarchy. And whether the nature we think we can and should control is our bodies, our marriages, our kids, our country, the planet, the delusion of dominance is suicidal at this point.

That's individualism. That's what the word individual means. We stand apart from nature, that's what I call toxic individualism, and we control nature, that's patriarchy. And whether the nature we think we can and should control is our bodies, our marriages, our kids, our country, the planet, the delusion of dominance is suicidal at this point.

It's a backlash. It's a resurgence. And frankly, I think it's sort of the last gasp of a model of power and masculinity that— Relationality is the card I've got in my back pocket. And that's what we're born for. That's what we're designed for. And that's what will keep us in this planet alive.

It's a backlash. It's a resurgence. And frankly, I think it's sort of the last gasp of a model of power and masculinity that— Relationality is the card I've got in my back pocket. And that's what we're born for. That's what we're designed for. And that's what will keep us in this planet alive.

The dominance model makes for miserable people, miserable marriages, miserable families, and will choke the planet Earth.

The dominance model makes for miserable people, miserable marriages, miserable families, and will choke the planet Earth.

Well, it is gaining steam in the moment. I believe that an accurate reflection of reality will prevail the dysfunctionality of this approach will become more and more clear and people will move into something more mature and nuanced. The issue is, you know, how many generations is that going to take and what kind of shape will we be in?

Well, it is gaining steam in the moment. I believe that an accurate reflection of reality will prevail the dysfunctionality of this approach will become more and more clear and people will move into something more mature and nuanced. The issue is, you know, how many generations is that going to take and what kind of shape will we be in?

What I work with with the guys I work with is what I call learning to become family men. And what I say is a boy's question of the world is, what do you got for me? It's gratification. What do you got for me? A man's question of the world is, what do you need? What do you need? And being a family man means what's central here is not you and your needs.

What I work with with the guys I work with is what I call learning to become family men. And what I say is a boy's question of the world is, what do you got for me? It's gratification. What do you got for me? A man's question of the world is, what do you need? What do you need? And being a family man means what's central here is not you and your needs.

What's central here is the team and what they need from you. I talk to many of the men I work with about the distinction between gratification and what I call relational joy. And gratification is just what you think it is. It's a short-term hit of pleasure, taking a drink, smoking a joint. A pretty girl flirts with you. You make a killing that day in the stock market. Your kid gets an A. Great.

What's central here is the team and what they need from you. I talk to many of the men I work with about the distinction between gratification and what I call relational joy. And gratification is just what you think it is. It's a short-term hit of pleasure, taking a drink, smoking a joint. A pretty girl flirts with you. You make a killing that day in the stock market. Your kid gets an A. Great.

I like pleasure in its place. Relational joy, which I have to teach so many of the men I work with, even what it is, relational joy is a deeper down pleasure that comes just from being in the relationship and being connected. And sometimes it's gratifying, sometimes it's a pain in the neck. You know, I tell a story of my beautiful Alexander, now 35,

I like pleasure in its place. Relational joy, which I have to teach so many of the men I work with, even what it is, relational joy is a deeper down pleasure that comes just from being in the relationship and being connected. And sometimes it's gratifying, sometimes it's a pain in the neck. You know, I tell a story of my beautiful Alexander, now 35,

And when he was little, I was giving him a timeout and we didn't have locks. And so I was holding his bedroom door shut. I mean, this guy was like maybe two foot three. And that door on the other side trying to get open, I mean, it was like poultry. There were lightning was coming out of that. I mean, the earth.

And when he was little, I was giving him a timeout and we didn't have locks. And so I was holding his bedroom door shut. I mean, this guy was like maybe two foot three. And that door on the other side trying to get open, I mean, it was like poultry. There were lightning was coming out of that. I mean, the earth.

That little guy is trying to get it open. And I'm telling you, it's all. So a part of me wanted to just throw – truly, I talk about normal hatred in families. A part of me wanted to just throw them through the window. I was so mad. Yet a deeper down part was like, you mighty little spirit, you. Wow. You're going to do great.

That little guy is trying to get it open. And I'm telling you, it's all. So a part of me wanted to just throw – truly, I talk about normal hatred in families. A part of me wanted to just throw them through the window. I was so mad. Yet a deeper down part was like, you mighty little spirit, you. Wow. You're going to do great.