Thalia
Appearances
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Well, I would say for people to imagine what your finger looked like yesterday, take a condom and fill it completely with water and then take a hair tie and tie it around as tight as you can the base of the condom. And that's what your finger looked like yesterday with this ring on it. And I had to beg you, Monty, please let me cut that off of you. I know. It was as bad.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You've got a pattern in life, Monica. You're this very weird mix of hypochondria. And then when real stuff's happening, you completely ignore the real stuff.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Your finger was going to fall off your ear. It's shocking. You still have your whole ear when I had to remove those earrings. That's what I'm saying. It's this wonderful contradiction between fear of things. And then when you have things, you don't care at all.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You got to meet me in the middle here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It's like when you crash your motorcycle and your first thought is like, is the motorcycle okay?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You can get it put back on. It's not ruined.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay. It was really nice. You put half your eyelid down. So I didn't even get to get to my interstitial. We'll save it for the next one. That's okay.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Stay tuned. If that's in, stay tuned for my interstitial between Thalia. Talia. Talia and Annie. All right. Mine was very timely to Kyle's story.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Mine might be too. I'll figure out between now and then.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'll figure it out. I'll come up with a segue that is seamless.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I know. And that's, you're right too. It's not like I enjoy seeing other people spit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, that's a cute Nike Air sweatshirt.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I want that. Thank you. I just got it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I would give it to you. It's vintage. My girlfriend gave it to me. She's so sweet. Oh, it's incredibly cute.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Very cute. The Nike is in pink and the Air and the Shoosh are in copper or gold?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Could you pronounce your name? I don't want to mess it up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Thalia, wonderful. Where did mom and dad get Thalia?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
My mom named me after a news reporter. Oh, cute.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I don't know if she was local. My mom just told me that she saw the name on TV and liked it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, I like that. Where are you from?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Originally, I'm from Illinois, but I live in San Diego right now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
San Diego style. You're close by. Okay, this is a wild card. So feel free to do whatever you want and tell us whatever you can. Give Monica your sweatshirt.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yes, I would love to give you, please. I would send it to you immediately. I could never. Don't tell my girlfriend.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, thank you so much. So I actually got selected for a different prompt and I missed the email.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It's so unfortunate, but Emma was so kind and reached out to me recently for this episode and was like, hey, I remembered your story. Do you want to do it? for the wildcard episode and I was freaking out. I like ran into work. I was like, guys.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I wonder if you've had an impact on like many thousands of people that listen.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, hell yeah, she is. I feel like my email sounded so crazy, but I was like, oh my God, oh my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
We are now, yeah. That's now our official. What have we changed from Messiness to Human Being to a podcast about second chances? Oh my God, it's even more grotesque. I know. Yeah, puke.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Well, I'm really excited. The story takes place in Illinois, where I'm from, in my college town, Charleston, Illinois, EIU, if anyone knows.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You're a youngster. Yeah, you are. I am 25.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You're either a youngster or a dum-dum.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, like it could have taken her 12 years to go through college. Those are the two options on the table.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
That wouldn't necessarily mean she was dumb. I'm not happy to be labeled as either.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Hey, I'm proud of you. It took me four and a half, but that's close.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. So I was just getting back to Charleston. My senior year of college was about to start. It was going to be a few weeks until the school year started, but I was in a sorority at the time. So there were some obligations I needed to do. Like we had like a little video shoot for rushing. Oh, wow.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Because of their infections. Yeah. That their body told them to get out and spit into a bush, which no one cares about. Okay. This is wild card. We love wild card. And this was wild. It delivered on its.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. I get to Charleston and I'm not feeling super well. I had just gotten back. The last thing I had eaten was cheese curds from Culver's and I'm lactose intolerant. So I was like, okay, I had a tummy ache. So I go to the sorority thing. I tell everyone, hi, I'm not feeling so good, but I'm here.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I got a belly full of cheese curds. Are you Asian?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
People think that all the time. I am just white.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I kind of thought it. And then when I heard lactose intolerant, I remember 90% Asians are lactose intolerant. Then it all added up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I know. Are you astounded that I'm still in business?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Wait, which part? Did she look Asian or that Asians are 90% lactose intolerant?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
We didn't need to know that. That's so good. No, a lot of people do ask me that, so don't feel bad. Nobody believes that I am white.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Win-win. I ended up going home early from this thing. And then progressively over the next four days, my stomach is getting worse. I'm constipated for sure.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, so you weren't dealing with Honus Reus those four days.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Say that again? That's Dax's word for diarrhea.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, Honus Reus. It sounds a little more something.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It sounds cuter. It's beautiful. I wasn't going to the bathroom like at all. So I went to the pharmacy and I was like, okay, I got to figure this out. So I kind of explored multiple different routes over this four day period. I took a bunch of laxatives. I drank a bunch of black coffee. Nothing was working. And I was like, damn, this is the worst constipation I've ever had in my whole life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Are you someone that had dealt with constipation frequently or is this out of the blue?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Pretty frequently. As a lactose intolerant person who loves everything dairy, my fate's sealed. But it's not getting any better. I felt so bad I didn't want to eat anything. And I don't know why I just kind of ignored that part. And I was like, nothing's working. I don't know what's going on. At the end of this period of time, I'm with a friend and I wake up in the middle of the night.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but can people listen?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I turn over to her. I nudge her. I'm like, I don't feel good. I quite literally have a terrible gut feeling. I think it's time I go to the hospital. And like, I had never been to the hospital really before. And she's like, I've had constipation. That's really, really painful. Like, you're probably fine. And I'm like, I'm going to go. So she's like, OK, let me know what happens.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So I go to the hospital. Let me know what happens. Why doesn't she go with you?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
What's she going to do? She's not a doctor.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It's nice to support your friends. My God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
She's not a cab driver. She's not a doctor. She's not a paramedic.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So I drive to this ER and it's so quiet. It's 2020. So you have to go up to the door, tell them about your symptoms and ask to be let in. Or they like assess you there. They take your temperature. Basically, they're like, why are you here? Two nurses approach the door. They're like, what are your symptoms? Take my temp. And he's like, well, there's not much we can do for a stomachache. Oh my God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, fuck. Yeah, this is a sincere warning. There is a child that gets injured in the last story. Not fatally.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
He said, do you want me to leave? Should I go home? And the other nurse was kind of like, sorry about him. No, please come inside. I'm like, okay. Oh God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
We haven't seen a patient in a week.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Anyway, it was wild. So they let me in and like no one's there. Was it really so much trouble?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
That's good. You should guess out loud. That's a good guess.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
She thinks your appendix are in trouble.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I don't know. Sometimes yes and sometimes no.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I will say that was not on my mind in any way. I also was 21 years old and I was like, my tummy always hurts. I'm a girl and I eat a lot of dairy. Like I wasn't even worried really. I just was like, I don't feel good. Please help.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You just want an x-ray, right? That's what you're looking for. Yeah. Like take a picture of my insides, please.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. So I go in. I am there for about eight hours. They give me an x-ray. I get a CAT scan. But I found out through this process that it's incredibly hard to get like an IV in my arms or even draw blood at all.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
not at all so they couldn't give me i think it's iodine when you go to a cat scan through an iv which is quicker but i had to drink it over hours and then i had to go get my cat scan so it took forever after like eight hours has passed the doctor comes in but he's like i don't know how to tell you this your appendix has ruptured and your entire body is infected oh my god
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Holy shit. I was beyond septic. I didn't know that at the time. I also didn't know what septic was at the time. He didn't say that. He just was like, we have to get you immediately to a hospital and you're going to have to go get an emergency surgery. He's calling all these hospitals in the area and nobody has a bed for me because it's COVID. Oh my God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
The child's totally okay. But I can imagine if you've had a similar experience that it would be a real bummer to hear. So, yeah, the last story does have a kid getting inadvertently injured there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Because I needed an interventional radiologist, but I also needed a specific kind of surgeon because there was also like an abscess from the rupture and my organs were failing, leaking.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Dahlia, I would also say, could you go grab that nurse that almost didn't let me in? I'd like to talk to him.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I feel like his name is Nick. I don't remember, but I did tell him he was an asshole.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
The nurses were helping me out. And I was like, you know, the short guy, the short nurse in the front. I'm short, too. So no hate. But I was like, he was so mean to me. What if I would have gone home?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You would have died. You died on the car ride.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I would have died. And then he comes in later. I told them not to tell him, but they did. And he came in. He's like, so you think I'm an asshole? And I was like, yes, I do. They had given me so much anti-anxiety meds at this point. I'm gone. Oh my God, he's trying to flirt.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, he really thought I was into that. They call the nearest hospital. They don't have beds for me. I have to go to the next state over because they're the only hospital that has the surgeon and the radiologist that I need. I get in the ambulance and they're like asking me all these questions. I'm in and out of consciousness.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I don't know if it's from literally dying or from the drugs that are in my system. The last thing I remember is just them asking me the questions and then I wake up and I have had surgery. I think that I just had an appendectomy and I'm going to go home. I did not know, but I was fully septic, if not beyond. My white blood cell count was so far beyond the qualifications for sepsis.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
The doctors were like, did you not feel pain? You're like a miracle. How are you walking? How are you here? And so I just was like, yeah, I felt pain, but I thought I was constipated. Yeah. So I spent about 10 days in the hospital with a lot of morphine, a lot of antibiotics, a lot of fluids, a lot of drugs. Drawing my blood was absolutely necessary and they just couldn't do it sometimes.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And they would just come back and keep trying and keep trying. Oh my God. That was worse than anything else. Trigger warning for needles everywhere on my arms and my hands. It was so bad.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So they did and it didn't work. I was able to get fluids in, but they couldn't draw blood out of it. Oh my God. It was like a sick joke. I was so ready to be done. And I had a PICC line or a midline or whatever they're called in this arm.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I was able to get my antibiotics through it, but they installed it specifically to drop blood because they were having so much trouble sending all these people in trying to get it out of me and they just couldn't. Maybe you didn't have any blood.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
What if someone came in with like a pocket knife at some point and a cup and they're like, listen, we're just going to have to cut.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Honestly, it probably would have been less painful than what I'd already experienced anyway. I didn't fully process how sick I was even until like a year later. I had no idea that I was dying and my organs were failing me. Scary. My infection continued after I got out of the hospital. It was not gone.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It was to a point where it was like manageable and that I would just have to do a couple weeks of IV therapy, daily antibiotics for, I want to say like two to three weeks. I missed the beginning of my senior year. So I got to go home, but because of licensing issues across state lines, they couldn't authorize any doctor to administer my IV antibiotics to me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, and you called it. Yeah. All right. Anyways, please enjoy wild card.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
They had to get a home health care nurse to come teach me how to do my own IV. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I got to do this, too. And then I taught my girls how to do it, how to flush the line, put in the first thing. It became a little thing they would do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, I mean, I played doctor for a couple weeks. It was cool. I remember saline, blood thinner, antibiotics, saline again, close it up, clean it, do it again the next day. I was immunocompromised as well because I was so sick. So I couldn't go anywhere.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I did. I lost so much weight. It's funny because when I showed up at my sorority photo shoot, my belly was like humongous because it was so... Inflamed. Destroyed and inflamed and sick.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It was summer too, so you could see the shape of my body. I'm 4'11". I'm a pretty small girl. So someone had told me that I was like looking thick and I was like, that is an insane thing to say, but I'm going to ignore that. That is an insane thing to say. I look back at it and I look at photos from that time and I'm like, I can't believe my appendix was just ruptured in this photo.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It was ruptured for four days while I was just walking around. You're so lucky. I know. I don't know how I managed.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I want there to be some kind of contest you can enter. It's a pain threshold contest. Like maybe you could be a world champion.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Some of these Japanese game shows, do you ever see these, Monica, where it's like they torture people? No, I have not. You know these game shows? Maybe that could be. You could endure like some...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I feel like I've won the contest by like being here. Yeah, by living. Being here and being on the podcast as well. This is so exciting. So I'm like, oh, if that didn't happen, then I guess I wouldn't be here. So yippee for me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Maybe Nick's listening too. Let's hope Nick's listening.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I hope he's not a listener. He's a dick. I hope he's out there. I hope his name is Nick. I don't know if that is. I feel like it was. So I wrote in for the near-death prompt. Oh, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Thank you for sharing that very harrowing story.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yes. Nice meeting you, Thalia. Tell your mom we really like the name and she did well.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Thank you. She will freak out if I even tell her you said that. Have a great day. Bye.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
10 days. Have you ever stayed in the hospital, Monica? Knock on wood. So no, and then knock on wood? Yeah. Okay. I did three days. By day three, I was like, oh my God, I might just leave. I can't imagine 10 days.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Or Jeff Bridges, what was it? Five weeks. Five solid weeks. Time moves so weird there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I do like the attention. They come in all the time. Hey, what's going on? They got a chart.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'm going to now kick it down the road between Annie and Caitlin.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Here comes Annie. Here comes Amos. Well, Amos Moses lived by himself in the swamp. Haunted alligator for a living. Just hit him in the head with the stump. Some Louisiana gator going to get you, Amos. Hi, Annie.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Are you a car lover or is your lover a car lover?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Wild card. I'm enjoying making that noise today. Do you think it's a good?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Sure enough. And where are you, Mustang owner?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
They have a Brigham Young University there?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay. How old are your kids, by the way, in this story?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
That's ripe age for some mischief.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, they'll go on mission and your daughter will miss him so much she'll convince herself that they should be married.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
One quick second. To me, if I'm the parent, I'm like, there's more to this story than someone came to your window and brought you coffee. Were you suspicious and just letting it go? Or what was happening?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
She's got no choice. She's in a corner.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Was there any grandma or was he just coming to stay at your house? There was no grandma, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four days he stayed in it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I know. I couldn't get comfortable. I'd be so nervous the whole time.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
They were like a wall of fire will not stand in between our love.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, they're just fine. What did Michael land on as a consequence?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Into the storybook. What do they put the princess up in the... Yes, in the tower. In the tower. Yeah, you put her in the tower.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
We want that out of a sister. Yeah, you gotta respect that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I have questions, but they're best not asked, I think.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Were they making love down there? And is the fact that he's LDS? That's what I feel like. He's like wrestling. That drive home for him is probably like, oh, my God, the parents know. Oh, I'm going to tell my mom. Oh, my God, I probably sinned.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. and michael they both say no there was some keen and asian as my mother would say heavy petting snuggling okay that's so gross it is really gross wow well you guys made it through i really like your personality a lot i give it a 10 out of 10 in fact i can't even believe you were angry it's
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Sounds like you have too good of a sense of humor about life to ever get really that angry.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It was an opportunity for you to grow.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, that's significantly better than yesterday. Yeah, it is. Middle of the night, it started itching you?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Until Michael finds him driving one of his Mustangs, then it's a whole new. New prompt. Well, lovely meeting you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, do you want to hear my story now?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It's a very short story. You and I returned home from Austin two days ago, and I weighed myself yesterday morning, and I was 202.4 pounds, which means I gained like eight pounds on that trip. And this morning, 24 hours later, I was 195. I lost seven and a half pounds yesterday through many, many, many harnesses. Okay?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
That was my story. Worth it? Oh, yeah. Her zoo name says Katie. Okay, we'll see. Caitlin or Katie? Or Katlina. Can I call you Katlina? She punched him in the stomach. Good for her. Hello. Hi. Hi. So let's bring you into the argument we were having when you were signing on. And do you go by Caitlin or Katie?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Much better than my spitting. Remember when I was fake spitting?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, Katie. What is your thoughts on females being physically violent towards young males that they find in their closet? I kind of like this.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You're a woman and you find a man in your closet. The woman punches the man in the stomach. That is not the scenario at all.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, great. So where are you calling from, Katie?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, I got to say, and this is no dig on Oklahoma, I almost never meet anyone from Oklahoma. They love it so much they don't leave.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Because you're what? Did you just speak in tongues? Why are you?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, job shadowing. That's not bad. Yeah. Okay. So there's a wild card story. It could involve anything. Where are you in this story? And what year is this? Set us up.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Do you want me to cut your whole finger off today? No, thank you. Okay.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay. All right, let's do it. Oh, wow. What a fun little environment you've created. Look at you're in a little tent.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, yeah. That's a 5,800 pound vehicle right there. Oh, my God.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, I got to knock on wood. Hold on, Katie. I got to knock on wood. Okay.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I wanted my big screen so I could see your faces. So I had to go tent instead of closet.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Or they find out you're drunk, you're on drugs.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really quick, when you were looking at this baby, when you first saw the baby, was the baby moving?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Beautiful. Not nearly as orange as I was expecting from the Keegan-Michael Key conversation.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Uh-huh. Eight hours a day. Now, they took the toddler to the hospital, presumably. And how long was he or she in there?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Now, this may seem like a stretch of a silver lining, but I am going to say it. No one should run over kids. But when you're a new parent and you're like so concerned they're going to fall off the couch, they are fucking durable.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You would assume a 6,000-pound vehicle driving over a 25-pound baby.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
But they're saved by the rubberiness.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
His head. Oh! God. Yeah, it was crazy. This is such a nightmare. Yeah, how long before you calmed down? Was it like days later? I mean, I got to imagine I would just keep thinking of getting out of the car and seeing that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I can already see you're on Team Monica with the tent and the orange. That's not unfair. Okay, so Kyle, this is one of our favorite prompts, wildcard. We have no idea what's coming.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, when you do something like that without any notion that there was something wrong, you have to permanently consider that that's on the table.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
We're blaming all the wrong people. It's the two-year-old's fault.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I knew something like that was coming.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Did word get out in high school that you had run over a child?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'm sorry that happened to you. Me too.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, we would never be audacious enough to put out a prompt. Tell us about a time you ran over a kid. You almost killed a child. As dark as we are. Yikes.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, we very much appreciate it. And I hope we're keeping you company on the road while you're driving around nonstop.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Thank you. All right. Well, be well. Great meeting you. And I'm sorry that happened to you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Do you want to hear an uplifting story to right size?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, so we got home from Austin on Sunday night, and I got on the scale Monday morning.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So let me ask, have you guys heard other wildcards today already?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And I was 202.4 pounds. Bye! I love you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I think I am like a stage setter. So set expectations appropriately. Okay, wonderful. In my story, there's a bit of guessing. Hopefully you guys can take part. Oh, exciting. A mystery. A mystery. So I grew up in Western Washington, like Everett area. I took every summertime to go out to Maryland at my Nana and Papa's for like a month without my parents, me and my sister.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, I guess it was that or adjacent. Or just disgusted with spitting as you are. You've really got in my craw, I gotta mention.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
When you talk about Papa Bob's, get away, enjoy my grandparents.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Exactly. So- We went out to Maryland to their river house, which has like an 80-foot dock, a boat. It's heaven for me. The story takes place in the year 2000. I'm 12. We are hanging out with all of our aunts and uncles and cousins. Probably have like 25 people at the house. 90s attire, Monica, you probably remember being roughly that age. Boys were like big baggy board shorts. Oh, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Because you didn't like how it felt? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a little too touchy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, that was a big no-no. You would have been 13. Yeah, I guess I would have been 13. And you had thoughts on boys netting in your board shorts?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I only wore boxer shorts. And then when I would get into a swimsuit with the netting, I felt like I was in women's panties. Like all of a sudden I was in a tiny little tight panty.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And it was confusing. Some parts good, some parts bad.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So we're on the end of the dock doing a dive contest and we're just going back and forth. We're swimming around, having fun. It's my turn. And so I go to jump off the dock. I realize now that I didn't spot my landing, which we always used to do. The guess is, what do you think happened next after I jumped off the dock?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You did. And then I even thought of a counter argument that I believe in.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, if you jumped off a dock into a river and you hadn't spotted your landing, I'm trying to think what obstacles would be in the river.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'm thinking more something roped to the dock. Maybe a watercraft.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Okay, those are our guesses. Rock and watercraft.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I land on top of a steaming nettle or a jellyfish. Oh. Oh.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I didn't even know they dwelled in rivers.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, they come up north in Nanticoke River in August, which is why we always spotted our landings. But I hit with my left foot on the dome of a pretty big jellyfish. And it rode past my toes, up my gigantic board shorts, in my taint, around my crack, everywhere. And then it stopped on my double-knotted waistband.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
But you're still in my craw. You hate spitting. That was on a previous fact check. Yes. So now what I remembered is we have had debates about boogers and your disgust with the notion of eating a booger because your body has made this to be repelled.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not understanding. You land on this jellyfish, and then the tentacles come up around your legs?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
My foot comes down on top of it, and then it just slides itself up my leg.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Like stockings, all the way up to my pelvis. Wow, wow. So immediately you get the shock of a nettle sting. In my mind, I think I landed on something that's gone into my foot. It's just shooting pain. I come out of the water screaming. Probably says something about the kind of kid I was that no one immediately looked for what's wrong with Kyle, but I start swimming into the shore as fast as I can.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Somewhere, In the swim, I realized what must have happened. So it feels like there was a bunch of hair gel in my bathing suit. And I just take it off so that I can get away from the nettle. And then I'm high step running out of the water with 25 people around, including two very cute neighbor girls who I had been talking to throughout the summer.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And you've got your shorts completely off.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Totally off. 12-year-old Hynie just running towards the house. My papa had put in like a shower stall. So I run into there. I lock it. I'm just crying, hiding, embarrassed. And I'm trying to rip off these nettles that are wrapped around my leg. Everything else you can imagine below the belly button.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Will you explain nettles just a little bit? Because I'm not familiar with that term.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Think jellyfish. Think like Finding Nemo, those sort of jellyfish. These are called steaming nettles there. It is what you imagine. Tentacles with the barbs that stick and sting.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So it's like spaghetti, like vermicelli all over your thighs.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yes, but less strong than a spaghetti string. So it's not only falling apart all over the place to see my hands, but it's also sharp. You know, it feels like you're cutting glass.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. So I've got ants banging on the walls, trying to get in and figure out what's going on at this point. I finally let one of them in. She knows what's going on because I'm yelling at her. She brings in gloves and is trying to clean things off. She thinks to turn on the shower, which I didn't think of at all. And it pretty much runs off of at that point.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
The kick to the story is that my papa went to go get the gel they use. It's like calamine lotion for the sting. The grocery store is 45 minutes away. And so I'm about 30 minutes post being in the stall when I just want to go inside and be away from everybody. My aunt convinces me that we can put some baking soda paste on, supposed to help with the barbs and keep it from hurting so bad.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
So she starts applying this all over me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I basically have a baking soda diaper at that point.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Oh, okay. Can I ask what's going on with your penis at this point? Is your penis fully out on the scene? Are you holding it with your hands?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
My hands are aching and my penis is throbbing. And now I don't remember this vividly. I remember the night after in bed and just feeling like my heartbeat through my pelvis, through my hands, from the nettles being on there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And there's bacteria and why would you eat that?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Was Auntie seeing, I mean, you were just nude, right? She was seeing things. Everything was out there. Yeah, and she's rubbing your thighs with baking soda.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You guys are really focusing on this more than I think I did as a child.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'm just trying to remember being 12 and my aunt smearing baking soda on my upper and inner thighs while my genitalia is out. How can one not think of that aspect?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Monica. Monica. Minimally, you got to say, okay, it's inconsistent.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Cute girls. Yeah. Imagine the cute girls who are applying the baking soda. Now what are we dealing with?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I was not into domination at that age in my life. The pain of those barbs in there, the thought was off the table. So we're walking out, be okay, cousins are laughing. Like any good older cousin, my cousin Matt thought it was a good idea to pull down my towel that was wrapped around me. So everybody, the neighbors included, would come over to have some crab and see what was going on.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Just got to look at baking soda diapers. So Crybaby Kyle was my nickname for the entire summer. And I ran inside, waited for Papa.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I don't think in this case it's boys. I think cousins. Cousins are relentless to each other. They're just like siblings.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Mandy and Callie would have pulled down my towel and pointed at my penis and made jokes.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Which is what they were expecting. The diaper did not make it any better. The diaper.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, could have had a hog under that diaper.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Pull that hog out of that 12-year-old boy. Baking soda diaper. Wow, yikes. That's tough. And you need Papa. You need Papa to return home.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah, and everyone to leave, which didn't happen for another 12 hours or so.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
It's still my favorite place in the whole world. They still have it? No, unfortunately. Anna and Papa are gone now. We went back to Maryland with my kids. I got to take them, just show them the river, go out on a boat, have fun.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. Well, Kyle, what a sweet story. I'm sorry that happened to you. Did it like scare you off of jumping in the river or no?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
No, but it did make me wear nylons when I went skiing because apparently that keeps from getting stung. But I got stung probably a half dozen times. They're everywhere in August and your kid will swim. So never so bad as to get the bits again.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Maybe I should carry a wine silk or whatever. What are those little bags that you put wine in? Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Yeah. Wow. I'm picturing a young man in stockings skiing like a pantyhose. You'd put on pantyhose. Yeah. Wow. Boy, they make it tough sometimes in life. Life's tough. Yeah. Well, Kyle, what a delightful, innocent, sad story. I liked that. That's also cute.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Hopefully a good start to Wildcard. I can't wait to hear what else comes your way today. It probably feels obligatory for you both to hear us say thank you so much at the end of these things, but... It means a lot to me. I was a fan of Rob from Inside of You before you guys started. I like to say to my friends who are also listeners that I'm a before day one listener.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I love you guys. Monica synced is the way that I get to hear like a part of the world that I don't always get to listen to and talk about things that married me with a bunch of kids doesn't always get the perspective on. And I can't thank you guys enough for doing this. Keep it going. Have fun. And thanks for having me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
I'm telling you, her husband's listening to sync to stay dialed into the perspective. Does she deserve you, Kyle? I don't know.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
All I'm saying is if we agree that boogers should leave your body and not be put back in your body, why not the boogers that's coming from your... Get them out of there too.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
And to answer your question, it does not feel obligatory. And we sincerely, every time, are equally shocked and delighted and grateful. Yeah, very grateful.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Well, this asymmetrical relationship is as strong as ever.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Thank you. So nice to meet you. So great meeting you, Kyle. Have a great day. Bye, you guys. Bye. What a sweet pie. God damn.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
Kyle! Kyle, where are you? Come on out. Knock, knock, knock. Kyle! Kyle, where are you? In this interim, will you keep this in? I don't know what you keep in in the middle.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
You keep guessing. I guess that's part of the fun of it all. I can't nail you down.