Theo Vaughn

I'll help you. Put a period out for the word Jesus and don't question my faith. Wow.

Don't question my character.

Oh, it happened. It happened. I said it would. We got to sit here. We got to sit here. I got it on video.

I just couldn't believe that I was sitting in there and I'm at the damn, they're doing the inauguration. You know? And then the chair broke and I'm like, oh. And you're on the floor and you're like, oh, this isn't good. And then you just, I thought I'd, I was like, please let me fall through to another world or whatever.

Like I looked over at Sam Altman and I was like, designer, you know, I was like, send me into the matrix right now, man. You know, don't make me have to just get up and just be human. So that was a lot. I don't know. Was it a lot? But anyway, it is just is what it is, man. And the best part of it was some rich lady scoffed at me. She's like, as if she had to watch one of her own dogs.

You know, those people that are really rich, they have someone else walk their dogs. So they never really know that their dogs or whatever. She was like, she grabbed her husband's arm or something. I'm like, yeah, you got it right. You're sitting in the wrong section. You're in section eight, boo-boo. These chairs busted as hell, brother. It's just so good.

All they did was sit in a thing. That's literally all these bitches did was sit in a little pod and then float. They did nothing. They didn't do a damn thing. They didn't build the fucking rocket. They didn't, like, these bitches got invited on a trip. You got invited to your friend's lake house and you had fun going tubing and eating s'mores.

You don't go back to your other friends on the block and say, they're like, yo, you got back from Bill's lake house? Yeah, it was an important moment. We went tubing and ate s'mores. We stayed up till 3 a.m. And we realized that the unity that we built, it's like people be like, dude, you suck. What is wrong with you?

They're trying to make you believe that these pointless, rich adventures mean something to your life. You're just doing rich shit. That's all you're doing. This is the problem with that Imagine video during COVID when they were all standing in, like, mansions going, Imagine all the people. And people were like, bitch, I live in a f***ing...

Tiny apartment and you're standing in the back of your yard and you don't care about a quarantine and you don't care that you can't work and you don't care that your business got shut down because you're like walking around your yard picking fruit and singing Imagine, but we're all f***ed here.

Really?

So I would say, look— So this is right before this whole truth conversation with Sam Harris that got stuck in the mud. During.

What was it doing to you?

Oh, yeah. Not good.

How did you get addicted? No, I would just do cocaine. That was really, yeah. So not just, yeah.

Yeah. And this is, yeah, this, I mean, it was, yeah. But you don't anymore? No, I don't do it anymore, man. And I'm not doing it.

Some of the stuff started to get a real rattle in it too. I don't know where we were even getting it from in this country, but. Yeah, it started to make me feel like I was a mechanic or something.

Right, yeah, but what I want probably is cocaine, but I know that if I have a drink, then it'll give me, it'll be like, okay, well, I had a drink, then I can do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cocaine will turn you into a damn owl, homie. You know what I'm saying? You'll be... you'll be out on your own porch, you know? You'll be your own street lamp.

Well, it's a miserable feeling. But you do it anyway, just like the guy you're saying with the scotch.

Big time.

I like gold.

It would be great if your AC or whatever had like a Caribbean setting or whatever. And you could have set that and suddenly like some great music came out. And then some guy's trying to get you to gamble offshore. Suddenly you're like, what temperature is this? I think all British people are always just writing war letters and stuff. That's how I kind of always envision them.

They're always just looking out the window and writing about the war to each other.

Of course, yeah. And then even Paddington Bear, their bear has a coat. He's not even – like, our bears are naked. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not saying that that's the way to do it, but if you – bring up an American teddy bear real quick. Let me see this topless bastard. Yeah.

Yeah, now some of these are obviously some pretty right-wing bears. Bring up a politically neutral teddy bear.

Bring it up. A fascinator.

I want to see him spell it, too, because that's even... He sounds like a gay superhero, kind of. That's how I feel. Oh, and it's just a dude that shows up and it's like he doesn't have any specific powers like any of the other superheroes. He's just like more like exciting. He's like, oh, there's fascinating Randy or whatever.

OK.

Pikachu short tail. Let me think of him. Yeah. Oh, God, he's nasty. He had short little tail. That lady scoffed at me when I fell out of that chair at the inauguration. She's like, oh, oh. Like I was a fart that had come out of her. Oh, look at this gross. This thing from steerage that climbed up here somehow. This thing I would never get in a lifeboat on the Titanic. That kind of.

I think it's become both sides of the aisle now just see that human people just feel like this is – that it's just wrong. Of course. What's happened is wrong. Like probably a year ago, people were afraid to even say that, and now it is what everybody is saying. Like even Piers Morgan is saying it on his show now.

Like people are saying it's obvious that you can't go and annihilate and genocide this culture and make them disappear. And then Trump to come on top of it and say they're going to build – who's gonna, you're gonna go on a lazy river where there's bodies of like, who could even go to that?

Me, I do a double hamburger, which isn't on the menu, but you can get it with pickles and ketchup.

No. I don't know who's making it back there. It depends. Okay. If Big Mac himself is back there, I'll take a couple ounces.

Yeah. It's kind of sad, though, but I'll tell you this. I used to get two milks with it. Milks? Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah, boy. What? see me in the streets you don't know me I'm the T.I.

of Mickey D's look at that little milk jug right there and that's what he used to call my sister little milk jug he's the only person that's ever used to call my sister little milk jug she built like that click on the third one right there nobody in the history of McDonald's ever got the milk jug but Theo Von they kept that on the menu for Theo Von you can't order more than two that's the crazy thing what?

yeah

So if you order more than two, they've been sitting in the... I'm just saying we get it how we live.

Oh, double milk jug, baby. And the lady be like, you really want to? I'd be like, yeah. And then we would laugh a little bit. I'd tip her.

I don't know if ever in my life there's been like a like a lot of organizations where it's like, hey, men need help. You know, it's like everything is that women need help with this. Children, you know, and it's certainly that makes sense. I always think back to like women and children first, like when the Titanic was sinking or something, you know, and something like that.

It's like women and children first. Right. And that's probably what most men would want as well. But at a certain point, you're like, hey, we exist. What are we doing here? You know?

I don't know if ever in my life there's been like a like a lot of organizations where it's like, hey, men need help. You know, it's like everything is that women need help with this children, you know, and it's certainly that makes sense. I always think back to like women and children first, like when the Titanic was sinking or something, you know, and something like that.

It's like women and children first. Right. And that's probably what most men would want as well. But at a certain point, you're like, hey, we exist. What are we doing here? You know?

You saw this? I like the French, I'll be honest with you. If you put 70 French people in front of me, I don't like them. I don't like it. They just, the way they do it, they're like... It sounds like... You just want to... Just pat him on the fucking back, boy. I just want to spray paint my hand red, white, and blue and pat them bitches on the back and get the fucking truth out of them.

What are you trying to say? It sounds like Japanese, but they fucking got their, but they're nasaled out or something. It sounds like somebody hit a bunch of cotton in a Japanese dude.

Aw, dude. You just can't get it. It sounds like somebody's just ejacking. I don't know. Somebody just got stuck ejaculating.

Bobby. Sorry, let's do it like me.

Without her, ain't nobody care about WNBA. Okay, let me show you this.