Tim Key

They had fish tacos, braised beef, peri-peri chicken, shrimp in jello, jalapeno smashed potatoes, eggplant, Caesar salad, wild garlic and basil pasta, chocolate chip cookies, sautéed spinach, wild rice and butter bean salad, red velvet cake, ice cream, and an array of cheese and butters.

Once it was all on my plate, I scuttled under a trailer and devoured the lot like the most disgraceful hog you can imagine.

It's quite true, this one.

Occasionally, actors or producers would come by and whack my legs with a strap.

I begged them to throw more fish tacos at me.

I was helpless in the face of the magnificent sense wafting towards me from the trestle tables.

I thought that would have been a disaster.

You know, I don't like someone's take on fish and chips.

I take on anything else, but fish and chips sort of has to be from the fish and chip shop, in my opinion.

Well, the annoying thing is I keep doing it, but I know I don't like it.

What's really good about this is today I've had haddock chowder and really hard grapes.

Oh, congratulations.

I'll go to the fruit shop, or whatever it's called, and I'll press the grape through the cellophane, if that's a phrase.

And if there's no give, then...

I'm taking it.

Well, I once had beef rendang in, I was living in Kuala Lumpur for a bit.

And there was a... What were you doing there?

Um, filming.

I mean, I think probably post your French house debacle, a ham and cheese toastie the next lunchtime would have been good.

Perfect, yeah.