Tim Stifler

Just before I hop into my minute, I got to do a quick ad read.

Just gonna get the other one out of the way and then I'm gonna hop into my minute. Do you guys like pets? Come to Pedophiles. Okay, I'm gonna hop into my minute.

Oh, my God.

Just a little over two years. A little over two years. Where at? I started in San Diego for nine months, and then I'm here for the rest. How long have you lived here? A little over a year. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work? So I was in advertising, and then I quit that, and now, I mean, I'm starting a comedy club.

It's got the highest ceilings, even higher than yours. Are you really starting your own comedy company?

So it took us six months to find the place, finally found the place. We're in the negotiations back and forth for the actual contract, the leasing contract.

I owned an ad agency and then I got bought out because I found stand-up and just got too obsessed with that.

Yeah, I'm telling you, it's a bad idea, dude. There's like a hundred comedy clubs here.

I am so nervous. I did not know I would be this nervous.

I thought it was going to be fine. But, yeah, no, thank you. Thank you for saying that. What's up, guys?

He's got a funny face, that guy.

Oh, thanks, man. You too. 5'10", probably. You're not 5'10". Yeah, you're right. I think with these fucking combat boots, I'm like 5'11", probably.

No, no, 5'10", but I was like, these, you know, have some girth, so I thought maybe, like, 5... I don't know.

Nothing really going on right now.

You're a fisherman.

I had a really quick crazy thing like a month ago.

This has never happened to me. This girl slid into my DMs. Literally never happened. I was like, what the fuck? I looked at her and was like, oh shit, she's pretty hot. Ex-model. I was like, what the fuck? Then I met up with her and she was cool. We vibed. Probably the most passionate, crazy week. And then really irresponsibly, we're just like, yeah, let's get in a relationship.

And then immediately after that, she just like was nuts. Like she just.

I didn't say love, but I did say, yeah, we should do a relationship. And I'm 35. I'm older. So she was, like, 26, and that was super irresponsible.

No, honestly, fuck her.

No. No, she had a normal butt hole.

Yeah, there was a hole for sure.

That wasn't weird.

It wasn't that exciting. It was actually kind of sad. Like, she... That night, she, like, had a panic attack, and she's, you know, like, all of a sudden... It was like Gone Girl.

She was perfect. Oh, yeah.

No, probably not.

And I don't judge that. That's totally cool. Totally cool.

No, she was like, I told you this was gonna happen. And I was like, no you didn't. What are you talking about?

She was wet for sure.

And then she, yeah, just was like, I'm freaking out.

What's going on? And then she... You're still trying to fuck.

I mean, we got through it, and then there were, you know, then it was, like, every day, and she was just like, yeah, this is how periods work. But then the period, like, never ended, kind of.

Yes. It was like, it was, you know.

Yeah, it was for sure. Right.

Sure. Like the relationship? Yeah. It was like maybe two more weeks, a week and a half after that. Okay, so how did you let her know that you were no longer interested?

No, it just kept getting worse. Right. Yeah, she definitely lied about breaking into my apartment while I was gone. Oh, within a three-week span, she broke into your apartment once. Yeah, then she started dating other comics after we broke up.

She, okay, so I left for a trip. She was the only one that had, you know, access to the apartment. And then she said that she went in there and there was like a Whataburger bag and like all this shit. And there was nobody else besides her that could have been in there. Like there's just nobody.

Well, she said somebody else broke into the apartment and then left all their stuff and made a mess. And then, okay, this is going to make me sound like such a fucking psycho.

Don't stop. I never lock my apartment. I never do it. I just am a very trusting boy.

I never lock it. Never lock my apartment. It has a gate. What's your address exactly?

um and then yes i don't know i i never lock it and then somebody sorry i don't know what i'm saying anymore i i never i never lock it nobody's ever broken in i've been there for the entire time that i've been here and then when i'm gone and she's the only one that like has access all of us somebody for okay yeah That's fair, that's fair.

No, I mean, it's not that interesting. No, go ahead, finish it. Yeah, I mean, she's the only, the only person that could have actually gone in was her. That's right. Yeah.

It's gonna be called Dumb Comedy Club. Dumb.