Todd Royce

What is up, Austin? I don't know. I have a weird relationship with my mom. Does anybody else have a weird relationship with my mom? My mom never understood boundaries when it came to me. Like, she never understood that there were things I don't want to hear my mom say. Like, I remember one time she came home and she said, hey, Todd, I got a joke. I go, what's that?

And she goes, why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? I said, why? And she said, because at 69, she gets a little fog in her throat. I was like, mom, that's disgusting. Also, I think it should be frog. She goes, what do you mean frog? I go, at 69, she gets a little frog in her throat. It's a frog like Kermit. She goes, no, no, no, it's fog like cum. And I was like, mom.

So now I'm a 16 year old virgin arguing about the sexual habits of two Muppets with my mom. It's probably why I'm still in therapy. It's probably also why I get an erection every time the Muppets come on. Or I talk to my mom. That's a joke. I'm kidding. I've never gotten hard watching the Muppets grow up. Thank you guys.

Six years ago. That's a long time. One full pandemic.

That I survived.

Yeah. You don't look a day over 450 pounds.

People do say I look young for my age, but that's just because I'm a health nut.

Yeah.

I live in Las Vegas. I just started a show in Las Vegas and downtown. Oh, you're in Las Vegas.

That's right. The dead is inside me right now. Because the Grateful Dead, they're doing a show out at this... Never mind, you got it. Okay. You're doing good, Todd. You're doing good.

No, this was just a tarp in the backyard. We just had it. Okay. And so I put it on. No, but seriously, where do you get clothes? I go to a place called DXL. Which, by the way, if you don't know, a lot of people think it's Deluxe XL or whatever. It's Destination Extra Large. If this is your destination, you fucked up in life. Yeah.

I thought about it, but there's a lot of running. in football, and I'm not much of a runner, believe it or not. No, I never really did football, I did wrestling, but that was, never played football. If you wanna take me under your wing, and maybe I could start another career.

I, right now, you want to know how much I weigh? Oh, I want to know. Do you guys want to know how much I weigh?

Last time I checked, I was two... No, four... I'm going to need AB's helmet. This thing's going to shatter. Glass is going everywhere. I was only 412 pounds. Okay.

I'm sorry. No, no, absolutely.

I thought I heard that you just died, but that was, I guess, someone else. It was a different Pope. Okay, thank you. This is Tommy Pope. Are you fucking done? You're thinking of Pope Francis.

Not anymore.

Do you want the full turnaround? Black dudes usually like me from behind.

That is correct. Give me a book, give me a book! Yeah. That is a much better reaction than my doctor usually has. Your doctor needs to be fired.

I am trying to get my Instagram followers up to over 500,000. Uh-huh. You need more grams? Yeah. I'm at 9,000 right now, so it's going to be hard. But if you guys could help me out, that would be awesome. I also got shows coming up in San Antonio, Seattle.

Think anyone's watching this show? I'm kidding. Don't ever insult the show. It's Todd Royce. That's T-O-double-D. Royce XXL. Wow.

Motherfucker.