Tom Dustin

Hear ye, hear ye, the good people of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. The boys are coming for that Back on the Block tour. We added second shows and they're selling fast.

Did you put in on that? Were you one of the owners? Yeah, I was one of the owners.

That's all highway, too. Garage cab. Kev, let's talk about acorns. Shout out to acorns, gang. More importantly about that, acorns early. Let's go back a little bit. Who taught you about money?

Who taught you how to save? No one. Did you have an allowance? Did some of that get put away? My brother does a smart thing. If the kid makes a little money, he puts it away for him. Smart. I'm talking about this Acorns Early, get a little cash going, get a little dividends going for him. Gang, Acorns Early is a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of a dollar.

Acorns Early chore tracker teaches kids that hard work pays off. Man, that is smart business right there.

Kip, let's talk about Tushy. Shout out to Tushy Tushy. Because Kippy's got a dirty butthole. That's not nice. Dirty butthole. Stop poking around back there. You need Tushy is what you need. Gang, what are you doing? Are you still wiping your ass like a goddamn caveman? Do yourself a favor. Get over to Tushy and get that butthole nice and clean. You could eat off that thing.

It's going to be in select theaters. And if you're in Philadelphia, it's going to be at the Ritz 5 in Philly starting May 9th. And if you're in New York City, it's going to be at the Quad Cinema starting April 25th. Do yourself a favor.

It's a good time is what it is.

I mean, it's like not, it's like living back in the 1800s and I didn't have a shower.

Okay. All right. So take us back to the beginning. You guys grew up in, was it a single family home?

Okay.

Wait, that's where you were getting the strippers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dirt bags.

Wait, they had to go inside?

Go and see it. It's beautiful. It's heartwarming. It's funny. It's fantastic. And we have the star and the director here today, and we couldn't be more excited. Yeah, I don't like star. I'm the subject.

What? All right, go. No, I was going to say, so your mom basically worked with your dad when you were a kid at the lot. Okay. Doing various things.

Okay. Very honorable work. Yeah.

Stop and Shop. Or Super Stop and Shop. Yeah. Not bad. And you had your own room. I had my own room. You had your own bedroom. And how were you as a student in school?

Right.

It has to be in there somewhere.

Oh, man.

Oh, you're still alive? Yeah, I checked that one. Gotcha.

If not, why not? You're a good-looking kid.

So there wasn't an adult section in the back, like a proper adult section?

Yeah, I don't know.

They're moving cassettes in there.

Who would go on that vacation with you?

I had an 88 or an 89 Chevy Spectrum. Very similar. Stick shift. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know the Chevy Spectrum. Sold tons of them back in the day.

Were you allowed to just take cars? Yeah, yeah. Was there anything nice on the lot? Like, say you had a date in your high school. You had a date or something.

What's consignment?

Okay. But you never saw it.

I got you.

Gotcha. Okay. All right. Man, it's wild. Christmas-wise, how were the holidays? Oh, I loved it. Yeah, I loved Christmas. Eggnog.

Yes.

And we had never met you. That was the first time we got to meet you. And you are a legendary figure in the comedy world.

You dirty bitch.

Would you guys do a real tree or would you do a fake tree? Real tree. Real tree. And my dad would steal the tree. Okay. From where?

Tom, what about family dinners? Would you guys have dinner every night together growing up? When we were very young.

You should be something like that. Mysterious. Not for me. How did this come about, by the way? How did you guys you guys started together in Boston? Yes.

Were you were you allowed to eat in your room? And did you have a TV in your room?

And don't mention Santa Claus. Okay. Huh. You go to Belgium. That's pretty fancy. I went a bunch, and then from there you can get to Amsterdam real easy. And how were you swinging those tickets and all that stuff?

Right, how to get there.

And they let you drink over there. The family let you booze. Well, yeah, in Belgium there was no... Can't stop me.

That's where people from the Northeast go.

Were you a Crystal Light family growing up? Crystallite, no, not really. What was on the table when you were having dinner? So probably iced tea.

Brian Regan did that. Great.

Cran grape. When we were sick, we always got cran grape, cran apple, ocean spray, home run.

I really like Santa Claus. When you're down there in Key West and you're in your routine, is it you get up and you're having a cocktail?

What was the first concert you went to? Oh, New Kids on the Block. That's okay.

Seems like a good gig. There's a bride and a groom sitting in there. Hey, we got to swing by St.

And was this before they really blew up or after they blew up?

Because that's got to be a big concert. That's like the boys are coming home.

It was pretty, you know. That's not bad. That's pretty good. New kids in the block. The limousine. Honest to the other kids and the funeral. Sure. The hers? Probably hers.

Would you do Friday night pizza? Was that kind of a, was that in the repertoire?

Smoke show.

Was she good?

So no.

I don't know. I don't know why that is. What is your nationality? What's your background? English and Italian. Okay. Who's Italian? Your mom or your dad? My mother. Your mom's Italian. Yeah. And nothing with no Sunday sauce or anything like that? She cooked. Yeah, no.

What is the domicile down there in Key West? I live in a killer location.

Okay, and then come back, and are they working when they're down there or just chilling for the summer?

Okay.

Okay.

What do you mean?

She's the only one in Key West that can read, I think. The bank that she works at is your bank.

And this beach that you say you're close to, isn't it a thing where there's not a lot of beaches down there? Well, it's a coral rock island.

Seven years. Okay. Seven years. Tom, you're seven years older. Yeah, yeah. Are you a seasoned vet somewhat in Boston at this time? No. I mean, no.

But you could. You could wake up in the morning and go down and take a swim in the ocean. Every day.

Yeah, yeah. So you're really living that Key West lifestyle down there.

Caribbean lobsters don't have claws, right? That's right. Do you eat them all the time?

And you're very tight with your roommates. You're kind of a family. Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah, I don't have, yeah. So do you guys will you guys have dinner together and stuff like that or on occasion? We will like on occasion.

And what's the rule with the stuff in the fridge? Say you go to Winn-Dixie and you get some stuff, I don't know, some lunch meat or whatever. Everyone's cool. Like no one takes your shit.

But is it OK? Yeah, yeah.

Like a month or two. Okay. And what grade are you in in high school when you start?

Ride a bike. Ride a bike or walk.

Not one with legs.

You gotta tickle it to get in the backseat.

and how much time do you uh like as far as like running the business running the club are you are you working like you know eight hours a day at the club or i mean

As far as, like, the administrative stuff.

So you got people doing all that stuff.

And this is almost every weekend.

And so you're living the life down there. You're living.

You girls like dune buggies? I feel like trim was about to be the next word. A lot of tail running around.

And do you guys, do you travel from down there? Like, do you guys go on vacation?

I got some old schools to settle. Let it go, Tom. It's over, man.

AK-47 and a rocket launcher. Like construction cans. Crane's in it. And then where are you going? You're taking a trip?

Cleveland, lay over there.

Let me ask you this, though. When do you end up in Santorini? April 26th, I think. You might want to take a look at the situation over there.

Well, they evacuated the island less than a month ago because of the volcano.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's back up.

Back to being safe.

There you go.

You're going to love Santorini. It's beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a good time. You're going to love it. All right. Well, that's pretty classy. Go around the world.

He's wearing the Vietnamese outfit everywhere.

You look real sharp in it, too.

I know who you're talking about.

He's getting around the world. He's traveling.

Hostels and everything.

Been to Morocco.

We had to trash it up.

Smoking out of a Coke can.

I think so.

All right. You see your T-shirt underneath the shirt.

Smart guy. You're well traveled. You're living your life down there. You're doing your thing. Yeah. I mean.

You pee in the shower?

Brush your teeth in there?

It's from Anchorman.

And what are you guys going to do when you guys get married? And when is the wedding set? The wedding is not set. Okay.

Really?

Really?

You had a bird in a hotel room. It was made of stone. Okay.

What's going to happen when you guys get married? Will you move in with her? Will she move in?

Oh, she's one of the roommates. How many people are in this goddamn house?

So it's you, her, and Dora?

Oh, all right.

All right. That's a little bit different. That's how it stops. It's a bedroom.

The landlord won't fix it?

Sure. Yeah. No. Hey, please don't. I don't want to.

Bob Dole is on the label. Can you whistle with your fingers? No. Are you double jointed? No. What are you sleeping in? Underwear. Just boxer's briefs? What do you do? Boxer briefs. Boxer briefs. Gentlemen.

Okay.

Are you flying from here to Hanoi or are you going home?

So you brought all the stuff that you need with you for this trip and then for the world.

Wait, hold on.

A couple of, you know... How many pairs of underwear did you bring with you? Eight. Okay, that's not going to work.

Are you doing laundry before you leave for L.A.?

Okay.

I love the subs.

I'm folding. All right. Okay. So you have everything with you. You have the suit for the Vietnamese wedding with you.

Yeah.

Ever been bitten by a dog? Yeah. Yeah.

He's got the long-sleeve shirt on.

Do you like deviled eggs?

Are you a mayonnaise guy?

You like mayo? Yeah. Hellman's or Miracle Whip?

That's a fucking, are you garbage first? That's crazy. Holy shit. Whoa.

They talk about this. That's right. I forgot.

A little bit of the tag.

I don't think that's true. Oh, I had a GED. Okay. There it is. Why didn't you graduate high school?

Gotcha. So you stopped going.

Okay. And then got your GED.

Man, that's wild. Honorary.

What was the talk that you did at the school down in Key West?

That's not the same thing.

Holy shit. Tom Dustin, ladies and gentlemen. 100% Key West trash down there. And the movie, Portrait of a Comedian, directed by Mr. Joe List. Thank you. Beautiful film. As we said, it's going to be in select theaters this spring. Notably, it's going to be in New York City at the Quad Cinema starting April 25th. Go see it. It's absolutely fantastic.

And everybody down in Philly, it's at the Ritz Five in Philly starting May 9th. Do yourself a favor. It's absolutely beautiful. You love Joe List. You're going to love Tom Dustin. Go check it out.

Guys, congratulations. And we can't thank you enough. And Tom, thank you so much for coming in. Thanks so much for having me. This is incredible. This was so much fun.

Do you guys want to plug anything else? You want to plug any more specific dates or anything or let them know? Oh, also, the tickets are information you can get at TomDustinDoc.com. Yeah, that's big.

There you go. And the club down in Key West is Key West Comedy. It's Comedy Key West. Comedy Key West. Have you guys done it? We have.

You guys would love it. It's awesome down there. Unbelievable.

Joe List and Tom Dustin, ladies and gentlemen. Gang, we love you. The cards are on sale, as we said. Do yourself a favor. Grab a pack before they run out. We're going to be adding the fall tour dates very soon. Yes. And we love you, and we'll see you next week.

How were you at selling cars? Pretty good? I was pretty good. I actually... Come on.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a group to be classy. Or if you're just a big old piece of trash.

A couple of high rollers like you.

I'm aware of that.

This is what the two of you were doing?

We were just sitting around. Are you dating this hot chick when you were going to the strip club?

I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new addition. She's out in the backyard burning some leaves. Okay. Getting a head start. Wait, isn't it the spring? Okay. She's a kooky broad. All right. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, asking a lot of questions about Tootie. He is the CEO of RU Garbage.

There's a lot of stories. And where did the birth of the film come in? Where did you decide that you wanted to do this?

Please support Garbage Television, ladies and gentlemen. We'll send you a free tote bag. I just always thought.

Yeah, of course. Shout out to Salicus.

And it's also, sorry, it's also a story about, I mean, it's the both of you. It's your relationship. It's the both of you guys starting out in Boston, and then it's you coming to New York, and Tom deciding to go down to Key West, opens up the club, and lives that life. Yeah. It's very endearing.

He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang?

Yeah.

It's beautiful. It's fantastic.

Yes. No, it's confirmed. It's confirmed. That was him riding by on the bike?

We want to get to the whole Key West lifestyle, but first time we got to put you through the ringer a little bit.

So give us give us the full backstory of Tom Dustin, the origin story. So where were you born? Born in Malden, Massachusetts, just north of Boston.

Nice. She loves it.

A little Jewish lightning, if you know what I mean. I think... Okay. Sorry about the fire. It's Thursday.

Okay. All right.

All right. And so your dad owned a used car lot. He was a used car lot. Mom was a welder.

Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited to have two incredibly special guests here with us today. One is here for the first time. They are the star and director of the brand-new documentary Portrait of a Comedian, Mr. Tom Dustin and Mr. Joe List. Yay! The boys are here. Beautiful film, by the way. Thank you. Thanks, Pastor. We got to go to the premiere.

So was the business successful? Like, was your dad doing well?

Until you got old enough, and when you were running it, was it... Yeah, well, yeah.