Tom Sainsbury

Hi everyone, I'm Tom.

Hi everyone, I'm Tom.

And when I was first asked to do a roast, I wanted to say no because I'm not much of a roast comedian.

I like to be nice and I don't like teasing people to their faces.

But then I was told I was going to be roasting Breton, Thomas Hill and Clint Roberts and I thought, this writes itself.

But before I roast these gorgeous honeys, and they really are, I just want to address my fellow roasters and bring you, the audience, up to speed on who you're dealing with tonight.

First off, we've got James Musterpich, the oldest twink anyone's ever met.

James' one claim to fame is his mother, Janet.

They do lots of comedy together, and that's the only thing that gets any traction.

In fact, the only person who whores their mother out for content more than James is Brie Thomasill with Poor Diane.

Being farted on constantly by the likes of, Oh, Brianna!

It's uncouth.

Next, we've got Itai Dom, or as my autocorrect likes to call him, Italy Dominant.

I watched a comedy show with him once, and my friend said that Itai reminds her of an adorable koala, to which I said, you've got the chlamydia part right.

Then we've got Liv McKenzie.

Don't let her cutesy, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth looks fool you.

Oh, no, no.

Liv's an empowered, sexy, for lack of a better word, tart.

And how do we know that Liv is an empowered, sexy tart?

It's because that's all she ever talks about in her comedy shows.