Trish Smart

Red Band looks like he has a black barber.

No, that's a compliment.

Well, it's been a year now. Adam Ray bought me that week of hotels. That's how we get started. It was free, and then I accidentally invited a homeless musician. I adopted him, and he destroyed the hotel room. And I had to call Adam Ray and be like, listen, this guy brought a dog. Like, all this stuff happened. And he thought it was very funny, so that's how that ended.

Well, he was living across the street, and then I was like, all right, you can take a shower. And then I was like, all right, you can do laundry. And then one day he, like, tried to have sex with me. And as a joke, I was like, what's your STD status? And he said it would be an honor to die with you.

And then I was like, you have to leave. Like, you have to go, right?

I'm afraid to say it, but your mustache kind of looks like my panty liner.

I'll paint it later and then sell it.

Nobody? All right.

I don't know if I should say this, but I had a friend pass away a couple days ago. I think I'm feeling pretty strange about it today.

Are you guys familiar with the term ketflix and chill?

That's where you do ketamine, and I'm pretty sure he ketflixed and killed. And I don't know if I should be saying that, but I feel like when something is, like, so fresh that you're just like, I want to talk about it, and I don't know how.

Yeah, I did a show last night.

Damn, I'm sorry, dude.

Mine wasn't going very well, so it's fine.

Ketflix is like a popular term where you do ketamine and just watch TV. It basically means you do it by yourself.

What's up? Somebody outside tried to make fun of me. They were like, is that a black belt in dick sucking? About my necklace? I was like, what do you think happens at Claire's? Like, you can't buy this $8.99 three pack, you gotta go to the back and prove it. I don't know, I started arguing back with him too. I was like, I'd only suck a dick to refuse a UTI. He didn't get it either.

I am dating again, though. I like... I don't get dating. Like, I don't know how many times it takes for you to tell somebody to stop sticking a finger in your asshole till they stop doing it. But it's not four. Every time I get slapped in the face during sex, I think the exact same thing. I'm like... That was unexpected. I don't know why you thought that that was okay. Good, okay.

We made full-on eye contact. I didn't know what else to do.

Okay.

That's it, guys.

It'll be eight years now.

The highlight of my interview was that I was making paintings of myself acrylicly on the toilet to sell at comedy shows.